Chapter 32
Goodbye
Ella
“What a whirlwind,” I said with a sigh as we sped down the highway. “These past few days went by so fast.” I gave a long, tired yawn. “And jeez, I'm drained from all the drama.”
“I'll say. Feels like I aged 5 years this weekend.”
“In a good way or bad way?”
He looked at me like I was nuts. “There's a good way to age?”
“Yes,” I said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. I looked at Ryan and tried to imagine this rugged, handsome man, five years older and entering his 30's. I started to run my hands through his hair, methodically looking for gray hairs.
Ryan caught on to what I was doing. “Hey, what the hell? Are you looking for gray hairs?”
I giggled. “Yeah, I am.”
“You find any?” he asked nervously.
“Unfortunately, not yet …”
“Unfortunately?!”
“You'd look so hot in salt-and-pepper, Ryan. You'd look all distinguished but macho, too. And you score double points if you're still super jacked.”
He tutted. “Huh. Well … if you say so.”
“Oh! Hey! Found one!” I cheered and pinched my fingers shut on the lone gray hair.
“No you didn't,” he said gravely.
“I'm not a liar.” I plucked it and showed it to him.
Ryan took his eyes off the road to inspect it. “I'll be damned. You really think that hair turned gray because of this weekend?”
“No, that's silly. But I do think we both grew up a lot this weekend.”
He nodded. “I definitely did.”
We drove on for miles, my hand in his. My head was spinning—from today, and last night, and hell the whole weekend, really, and also the things I was going back home to …
Eventually, Ryan noticed I was in my own world.
“What's on your mind?” he asked.
“God, what isn't on my mind?”
“Tell me everything.”
“I was just thinking about us … this weekend … work … how I'm not at all excited to go back to New York … and how nervous I am.”
“Nervous about what?” he asked.
I sighed. “Don't get me wrong. I'm so happy that things worked out, Ryan. But … now it feels like there's all this pressure for things to work out between us. You know?”
He shook his head. “I don't feel any pressure.”
“What if you end up not liking me?”
He chuckled. “Not happening.”
But I began to spiral downwards. “Really? What makes you so sure? What if, the second you put me on that plane, the reality of everything we did suddenly hits you? Everything we said, everything you went through with Lance and the team and everything else, dawns on you in the darkest of ways. And you start saying to yourself,” I puffed my chest up and did my best gruff Radar voice, “'what the hell was I thinking? I almost nuked my career over a girl I'm barely going to be able to see. Plus, why should I settle down? Wherever I go, girls wanna bang me, because my name's Radar, and—'”
He cut me off before I went too far off the deep end.
“Hey, stop that. First of all, you do a terrible impression of me. Second, I don't want to 'bang' anybody else. Third, New York isn't that far from Boston at all. We'll find ways to sneak in visits. We'll make it work.”
“You really think so?” I asked, my voice tinged with doubt. I needed to be reassured.
“I do.” Ryan snapped his finger as if a great idea just came to him. “Oh! Hey, what are you doing next weekend?”
“Pft … probably working.” I rolled my eyes. “Why, what are you doing?”
“The team's got a road trip to New York. If you can take time off, I'd love to see you.”
I squealed with delight. “Of course I can make time for you.”
But then reality, and a small bit of dread, started to soak in. “For this to be a thing, though, I'll have to start taking more time off work in general. I work through the weekends, you know. I've gone months without taking a day off.”
Ryan gave me a side-eyed glare, like I ought to know better. “And from what you've told me about yourself, your 24/7 work schedule has become a problem for you.”
I pursed my lips. “True. You're right. God, it's a hard habit to break, isn't it? I feel so guilty when I take time off …”
“Don't, Ella. Everyone needs to take time off. And I'm going to make sure you take it, by the way. You work too hard. If you keep that pace up, you're going to burn yourself out eventually.”
I rest my head against his shoulder. “Thank you.”
It felt so nice that I'd found a man who was already watching out for me; a man who would firmly tell me the things that, in my heart, I knew were true, but was still too weak to tell myself.
“I don't want to go home,” I said forlornly. “I wish I could stay with you.”
He gave me a sweet smile. “I wish you could, too.”
“I'm tired of New York.”
“Move to Boston, then,” he said.
I couldn't tell if he was serious, but I perked up like he was anyway. “You really think I should?”
“If you think you'd be happy here, sure. I could introduce you to the Brawler WAGs so you could make some connections for your work—”
“WAGs?” I asked.
“Wives and girlfriends. They're like a social and support club. Plus, they're all really good friends. They keep each other company when the men are out on the road.”
“Ooh.”
“Point is, those ladies are great, and more than a few of them are also hard-working professionals. I'm sure they'd help you out any way they can. I can start asking around, if you'd like.”
“Mm. Let's not rush into things too quickly now …” I said, biting my lip. But I'd be lying if I said the idea of starting new somewhere else didn't excite me.
We were nearing Logan Airport and airliners now hung low in the blue afternoon sky. As we drove closer and closer to my destination, an awful sense of loneliness began the inevitable slide down into my stomach.
Soon, I'd have to say goodbye to Ryan—and although we'd weathered our first storm together, now we'd have to weather a whole other storm separately: being apart from each other constantly. And at such an early stage of our relationship, too. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared.
The closer we came to the airport, the harder I squeezed his hand.
And just like that, Ryan was parking the car and slinging my bags over his shoulder and walking me to the airport.
This is it …
***
Ryan stayed by my side through the baggage check-in process. Thanks to the impromptu meeting at the hockey rink, we didn't have much time to spare—my flight was leaving soon. But there was one last thing I wanted to do before we said goodbye.
“I better run to the bathroom before I get on that plane,” I told Ryan, thankful I'd worn a skirt today.
When I emerged from the bathroom, I told him to give me his hand. I made him open his fingers, then stuffed something into his palm, and made him squeeze his fingers tightly shut around it.
“Now don't peek at that until you're in your car,” I said, my heart racing with excitement.
“I know what this is, Ella,” he said, sounding dark and accusatory, but undeniably turned on.
I bit my lip. “I was just wearing them.”
“I know. I can feel your warmth.”
“And what do you think?”
“That's so hot,” he growled. “But I told you, I threw my collection away.”
“Start a new one. This time, they'll be just mine.”
He swallowed, loudly, and a thrill swept over me when I noticed the way his Adam's apple moved hungrily in his neck.
“Do you like that idea?” I asked him quietly.
“Yes,” he whispered. He pulled me near and kissed me, deep and passionately. My body pressed against his, and I could feel his hardness growing in his pants …
“Uh oh,” I whispered, sneaking a hand between his legs. “You're awfully excited.”
“I want you so bad,” he whispered, and he meant it, because his words sent a shiver down my spin, and terrible ideas began to fill my head: did we have enough time for a quickie? What if the two of us turned right around and rushed out to the parking garage for one last moment together? Thinking about riding Ryan in the passenger seat of his BMW, I could feel the stifling, window-fogging heat building between us … hell, who even cares if I missed my flight? I could just get another one.
But I shook my head, and sanity returned. I couldn't just throw everything aside. I had a schedule; I had to return to work.
“I need to catch that plane,” I told him sadly.
He clutched me tighter. “I'm so glad I met you, Ella.”
“Me too.”
“Thanks for making our condo look like nice, by the way. It looks like actual humans live there now.”
“You're so welcome!” I patted his cheek. “So … I guess this is it?”
“Until next week,” he said.
“Next week,” I agreed.
We shared one last goodbye kiss, our tender lips so juicy, sweet and yet mournful.
And then I had to tear myself out of his strong arms.
Ryan stood and watched through the glass partition as I made my way through security. Before I disappeared from view, we gave each other one last bittersweet smile and reluctant wave.
I mouthed the words: next week.
He mouthed back: can't wait.