Louisa
Then
I fucking hate Aiden!
It’s now exactly one week since we kissed and ever since that night he’s treated me like I don’t even exist. I hate him; hate the way he flirts with Stacey when he thinks I’m not looking, hate how he mucks around with the lads, laughing and joking with them like he’s their pal. I’m going to run away! I’m going to run away and I’m never coming back to this stinking dump! I was stupid, stupid and pathetic to ever believe that somebody like him could be interested in somebody like me. I’m a loser, always have been and always will be.
I pull my Groovy Chick quilt cover over my head, another fucking joke! How can I ever expect Aiden to take me seriously when I’m forced to have bedding like this? My pillowcase is already wet with tears, the smell of gunpowder wafting in through the window making me choke. Aiden is letting off fireworks with the kids, but I refuse to join in. Let’s see how he likes being ignored!
It’s New Year’s Eve and I thought this New Year was full of promise. But it isn’t going to be, is it? It’s going to be shit just like all the rest.
‘How come you didn’t stay downstairs to watch the millennium in with us?’ The sound of Aiden’s voice causes my insides to tighten and for a moment I’m certain I’m hearing voices again. I keep my face buried in my pillowcase, not daring to look for fear he’ll disappear in a puff of smoke. I think he’s over by my door, his voice too far away for him to be inside my room. I can smell him, his scent rolling my stomach over and over until I think I’m going to explode. Who am I kidding? I don’t hate him. I love him. I love him so much!
‘Lou, Lou.’ His hand rests on the small of my back, my skin burning even though my pyjama top and the thick quilt are acting as a barrier between us. I didn’t hear him come over, he must have tiptoed or something.
‘What do you want, Aiden?’ My voice is muffled by the pillow. I want to turn around, but he can’t see I’ve been crying. Mum always used to say that if you gave a man an inch they’d take a mile. God, Aiden could take a whole kilometre and I wouldn’t mind. But no, I have to stay strong. Weak girls get shat all over, something else Mum used to say. ‘I don’t want to speak to you,’ I say, hoping to God he doesn’t take me at my word. ‘You’ve hardly spoken to me since Christmas Day. You’re always too busy mucking about with the boys or flirting with that slapper Stacey.’
Aiden rubs my back, causing every muscle in my body to tense. ‘Louisa, look at me, please.’
I shake my head, hating myself even more for not bothering to put on any make-up today. If I turn around with my eyes this puffy and my nose covered in snot he’s going to bolt right out of the door. ‘Just leave me, please.’
‘I’ll never leave you.’ His fingers are suddenly in my hair, his breath so close I can feel it.
I turn to face him, peer up at him, sure I’m somehow dreaming. ‘Do you really mean that?’
He blows out a small smile. ‘Isn’t that what I promised?’
I heave myself up, bring my knees up against my chest. ‘But why should I believe you? That night we kissed…’ I swallow hard before continuing, ignoring Aiden’s hand gesture to keep my voice down. ‘That night you said I was special. But obviously you were talking shit. Do that kind of thing to all the young girls, do you?’
A flash of anger sweeps across his face and I instantly know I have said the wrong thing. I flinch, now more convinced than ever that he’s about to leave me for good.
‘I had to keep my distance from you,’ he whispers, his gentle tone surprising. ‘Do you realise how bad this would look if it ever got out? The other staff, they’d never understand.’
I nod. Of course I do. But I would never tell. Surely he understands that?
He leans in further towards me, so close that I can smell the residue from the fireworks mixed with rainwater on his clothes. I regret not watching the fireworks with the others in the garden now. Last year Sandy never would have allowed us to have fireworks, and I can’t help but feel guilty that I’ve thrown Aiden’s special treat back in his face. I’ve got it all wrong, haven’t I? He wasn’t purposefully ignoring me. He was scared, scared I couldn’t be trusted!
‘And anyway,’ he continues, ‘it’s not like I bought the others a Christmas present, is it?’ His stare is so intense heat spreads across my skin, almost as if I’m bathing in stinging nettles.
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘That’s all right.’ He closes his eyes, as if he’s about to cry. ‘It’s killed me to keep my distance, you have no idea. I’ve been so worried that you’re going to tell somebody about the night we kissed. I have to know I can trust you one hundred per cent. If I can’t trust you then I have to walk away from this and we’ll never see each other again.’ He stops for breath. ‘And that would really break my heart.’
‘Mine too.’ I reach out to him, grabbing hold of the sleeve of his jumper. The very idea that he could up and leave like everybody else causes a physical pain to push down on my chest, its weight crushing. ‘Please, Aiden, I need you, don’t leave me.’
‘So I can trust you? You’re grown-up enough to keep this to yourself and not blabbermouth to your mates like a stupid, immature girl?’
I open my mouth to reply but my words are stuck. So I nod. I nod so much I make myself dizzy.
‘Good girl.’ His shoulders relax and he flicks his eyes over to the open doorway which is ajar. ‘I’m going to close the door, okay? So we can have some privacy.’
A rush of excitement ripples through me. He’s going to kiss me again, I know it. I quickly wipe the snot away from my nose.
He closes the door and makes his way back over to me, his eyes burning holes into mine. ‘I love you, Loulou. You know that, don’t you?’
‘Do you really?’ I manage to find my voice, even if it does stick to the roof of my mouth and come out in broken pieces. I can’t quite believe what he’s saying to me even though I really want to. How can a man like Aiden love me? He’s gorgeous, and clever and cool and everything I’m not. I’m ugly, a ‘no hoper’, a loser of the highest order.
‘I really do.’ He lowers himself back down onto my bed and lightly places the tips of his fingers on my collarbone, sending a painful bolt of excitement through me. ‘I want to show you just how much.’ He leans in, his mouth touching mine, the taste of salt on his lips like nothing I’ve ever tasted. His fingers slide down my cheek and neck until they are resting on my chest. I feel my body tense, my nipples harden.
‘I’m not sure…’
‘Shh, it’s okay,’ he whispers, continuing to run his fingers down my stomach, stopping just short of my knicker line. ‘I’ll be gentle, I promise.’
I nod, knowing only that I have to do what he wants if I’m to have any chance of keeping him. He’s a man, and men have needs, don’t they? If I refuse I’ll only be showing myself up for the fourteen-year-old schoolgirl I am.
‘Good girl.’ He pushes me gently down into the mattress before standing up and pulling down his jeans, his penis straining against his boxer shorts. I don’t know where to look and my scalp tingles so badly I have to reach up and pull out a strand of hair even though he is watching me. ‘It’s okay to be nervous,’ he says. ‘Just try and relax.’ The smell of rubber suddenly hits the back of my throat, making me choke. ‘Do you know what one of these is?’ He holds up a condom, still compressed into its circular shape.
Of course I know what it is. Me and Carl once stole some from Boots and filled them up with water. We stood in the car park above the precinct and threw them at passers-by, which was hilarious. But now I’m terrified, remembering the story Stacey told me last year about how one got stuck inside her cousin. Stacey said her cousin had to go to hospital and have it removed by a big Asian doctor with gigantic hands. ‘I, erm, we don’t need it,’ I say, knowing they are only used to prevent pregnancy. ‘I haven’t…’ I look away, bite my top lip, terrified Aiden will no longer want me if he knows the truth. ‘You know…’
‘Ahh, I see.’ A smile spreads the width of his face. ‘That’s good. These things ruin the fun anyway.’ He places it on my nightstand, next to my Boyzone lamp, which, by the way, I also hate because I love Nirvana and Nickelback. ‘You are sure about this, aren’t you?’ he asks me as he begins to pull down my leggings. ‘I’ll understand if you don’t feel grown-up enough.’
‘I’m sure,’ I say, desperate to show him I’m not a stupid, immature child like Stacey. ‘I’m your girlfriend, aren’t I?’
‘’Course,’ he whispers, before standing up to pull down his boxer shorts. ‘You’ll always be my special girl.’