Louisa
Then
It’s Christmas Day and for once it isn’t shit!
It’s now six weeks since Billy shoved his fork into Carl’s eye. Sandy pissed off on maternity leave two weeks ago, leaving us with smelly Susan, who I’m pretty sure enjoys seeing how long she can go without a shower. The new guy, Aiden, has been here for about a month and I have to admit he’s pretty mint for a care worker. If it wasn’t for him, this Christmas would be just as awful as all the rest, but with Aiden it isn’t. He’s made Christmas so special, bringing board games in like Twister and Scene It, which we all managed to play without too many arguments. He’s twenty-three and listens to cool music like Nirvana and Eminem. He caught me and Stacey having a cig in my room last night but said he’d let us off because it was Christmas. Billy, for obvious reasons, wasn’t allowed to stay here and has been shipped off to some naughty kids’ facility. I really miss Billy and hope one day I’ll see him again. Carl has been left blind in his right eye and has to wear a patch. He now looks like a scally version of One-Eyed Willie.
‘Louisa, it’s your turn.’ Aiden gestures for me to take the floor. We’ve been playing charades for the best part of an hour and have just witnessed the new boy, Darren, stick three fingers up before dropping his trousers and grabbing his testicles.
‘No thank you, it’s childish.’ I slide my hand through my hair before leaning back against the sofa cushions and taking a sip of my ‘Christmas punch’, which is really just orange and cranberry juice mixed together. The Christmas dinner was pretty nice this year, despite smelly Susan coughing all over the turkey. But I helped Aiden with the trifle and he said I was a natural.
‘Okay, well maybe we have exhausted that now anyway.’ Aiden winks at me before throwing me the remote control. I feel my cheeks flush with heat. ‘You pick something to watch on the box,’ he says, ‘and I’ll microwave the popcorn.’
‘That’s not fair, how come she gets to choose?’ Stacey looks up from the Game Boy she got for Christmas. Every year we get presents off ‘the staff’ but it’s common knowledge the government set them a Christmas budget and it doesn’t come out of their own pocket. I got a dinosaur Tamagotchi, which is possibly already dead, and a Top of the Pops CD.
‘Because Louisa is the oldest and therefore she gets to choose.’ Aiden flicks his eyes over at me, a small smile pulling at the edges of his mouth. He looks just like Kurt Cobain from Nirvana, with messy strawberry-blond hair and bright-blue eyes. Okay, well, he might be more ginger than blond but he’s even got the dimple in his chin like Kurt.
I flick on the television and scan through the channels while Aiden makes the popcorn in the kitchen. Carl runs over and dives into Aiden’s space, nearly sending my drink flying in the air.
‘Watch it, will you! And get back in your own space, that’s Aiden’s.’
‘Shut it, Tango tits. Gay boy can sit on the floorl this is ‘ar ‘ouse.’ His strong Salfordian accent slices through the air, his mouth full of mushed-up chocolate.
‘Move!’ I kick out at him, my foot connecting with his calf. ‘Go and sit back over there with Stacey.’
‘Nah, she stinks of fish.’
‘Well, at least I don’t look like Popeye,’ she bites back.
‘No, you just smell like him.’
‘Hey, calm it. I’ll sit over there with Stacey.’ Aiden walks back into the room, three bags of microwave popcorn clutched between his fingers. He throws one over at me and Carl before making his way across the room. My chest deflates as he sits next to Stacey, her smug grin instantly ruining my Christmas.
‘Oh keep this on, I love this movie,’ he says, his arm brushing up against Stacey’s.
Glancing over at the television, by way of distraction, I feel my stomach flip. The golden yellow-brick road, surrounded by multicoloured munchkins with bizarre moustaches, causes my whole body to shake, a panic attack gripping tightly without warning. I bite down hard on my top lip, desperate to follow my therapist’s advice.
‘Remember, Louisa. One thing you can see, one thing you can hear, one thing you can feel.’
I can feel my fingers and toes tingling, can feel the panic physically rising up within me like lava. I close my eyes, desperate to shut out the pain, the image of Mum hanging from her curtain pole bleeding into my brain, Esther’s blistered skin battling against it for space.
‘Louisa, what’s the matter?’ In the distance, I hear Aiden’s voice, hear the cackling laugh of Stacey, hear Carl chomping loudly on his chocolate.
‘I want to go home, let me go home.’ The sides of my bare feet tap together involuntarily, the smell of Esther’s burnt flesh and my mother’s rotting corpse fusing together, a scream bubbling to the service.
I open my eyes, my mind fuzzy, having no recollection of what has happened. I know I’m in bed and that it’s dark outside but I don’t know how I got here, only that something bad has happened.
‘I’m so sorry, Loulou, I had no idea.’ Aiden’s face floats above me, his floppy hair almost touching my eyelashes. The sweet tang of his aftershave clings to the air, his eyes searching out mine in the darkness. He called me Loulou, like a nickname, like something you call somebody special to you. I smile lazily up at him, no longer caring how I got here, only that I am here, with Aiden, with the only person in the world who really cares about me.
‘What happened?’ I ask him, not really wanting to know but knowing only that I need to keep him here, by my side.
‘Shh, don’t worry about that now.’ He reaches out and lightly strokes my cheek with his thumb, my body tingling in places I never even realised it could.
There is a slight crack in the door, allowing light from the landing to seep into the dark bedroom. Aiden is the most beautiful person I have ever seen, his lips full and red, his eyes the deepest blue. ‘Don’t leave me,’ I hear myself saying, my voice no longer sounding like my own.
‘I’ll never leave you.’ He brings his face closer to mine, so close I can feel his warm breath against my skin.
‘Here,’ he says, as if remembering something. He reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out something fine and delicate, the light from my bedside lamp catching it and causing it to sparkle. ‘I got you a present. From my own money.’
Tears rush into my eyes before I can stop them. The necklace is cheap but that doesn’t matter. A pink love heart dangles from it, a single diamanté pinpointed in the centre. ‘Do you like it?’
I stare down at it, my hand shaking. ‘I love it.’
‘If anyone asks, say you bought it with your pocket money, right?’ He reaches over and puts his hand over mine, almost as if he wants to hide the necklace from view. ‘Obviously I wanted to buy you a gold one but then people would ask questions. I’d get into trouble if anyone found out I’d bought you this and you don’t want to get me into trouble, do you?’
I shake my head, gobsmacked that somebody could be so kind to me. ‘Why me?’ I ask.
‘Because you’re special to me, Louisa.’ He leans closer to me, his lips brushing mine.
‘More special than Stacey?’ I ask, my voice trembling.
‘More special than anyone.’
As he kisses me, I taste sweet popcorn on his lips, hear the blood thundering in my ears and see my own longing reflected in his pupils.
And what do I feel?
I feel like the luckiest girl alive.