Chapter Twenty-Four – NOW

 

Kyle drives me home just before midnight.  Celia encouraged me to stay when I texted her again to check on Matilda, but it didn’t feel right.  I’m not ready to be spending nights away from my daughter, especially when this thing – whatever it is – with Kyle is so new. 

“Thanks for tonight,” I say as he cuts the engine.

“I had a great time, Liv,” he tells me before cupping my jaw and kissing me tenderly.  “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“That sounds good.”

With one more swift kiss, I climb down from his truck and walk up the path to my door.  Once I’m inside, I smile and wave before locking the door, and only then do I hear him pull away.

I thought I would have some underlying feeling of guilt or regret.  Even though my body has always pulled toward Kyle, I never once thought of leaving Brant to be with Kyle.  My thought process regarding my reaction to him was always more confusion than anything else.  Kyle was around for the first six months after losing Brant, but I was so numb in grief that I couldn’t think of anything more than waking up, getting dressed, going to work, coming home, and convincing myself to be strong for the child I was nourishing inside.

Then when Kyle returned home from war, Matilda was here and life had settled.  Grief wasn’t so prominent because my daughter brightened my days.  That was the first time I let myself imagine Kyle as something more in my life.  More than Brant’s brother.  More than Matilda’s uncle.  More than Celia’s nephew.  More to me.  But still, I never acted on it.

Now, Brant’s been gone for six years and I guess I finally feel that it’s okay to move on with my life.  To explore love with someone else.  Even if that someone else is Brant’s brother.  I think he would be happy for me.  I hope he would be happy for me.

No, I’m sure he would be.  Brant was never a possessive, jealous boyfriend. He was the kind of guy who was confident and relaxed in a relationship.  A go-with-the-flow kind of guy.  When he was with me, he was with me, but he wasn’t, we had our own lives. Our own friends.  I didn’t need to text him and tell him what I was doing or who I was with on any particular day, and I afforded him that same freedom and trust.

Thinking of the possessive way Kyle touches me, his protective aura that surrounds him, instantly making me feel safe, the random text messages that let me know he’s thinking of me, the intense stares, the dominant way he made love to me… I guess I never knew what I was missing.

I like those traits in a guy.

If Kyle suddenly swapped personalities with Brant, I know I would feel bereft. 

That’s how I know I’m making the right decision.  My needs have changed.  I’m no longer the same person I was when I was with Brant.  Maybe I’ve matured emotionally.  Moving forward with Kyle is the right thing. 

No regrets. 

No guilt. 

Just us.

Celia and Matilda are asleep and all the lights are off, so I fill a glass of water and move through the house quietly.  Once I change into my pajamas, I climb in bed and sink down beneath the covers.  Not even in sleep does the smile fall from my face.

 

 

“Have a great day at school, sweetie.”

“Bye, Momma.”  I watch Matilda, smiling and waving at me, until she walks through the school gates and meets up with her little friends.  Then I drive to work.  The instant I step off the elevator, Meg accosts me in the hall and pulls me behind a large potted plant.

“What’s going on?” I ask through a laugh.

“Promise me we’ll have lunch today?”

“Okay.  We’ll have lunch today.”

“Thank god. I’m in a crisis.”

“Are you okay?”

“No!” she exclaims, as if the question is outrageous.

“Okay.” I stop the laugh that bubbles through my lips.  I snap them shut quickly to cut it off.

“Lunch.  Don’t forget,” she warns.

“I won’t.  Promise.”

We go our separate ways to our cubicles, and I start work right away.  I have a whole bunch of emails to filter through, thanks to a server problem that has been rectified.  All the emails that failed to get through prior to today and that have been floating around in cyberspace have all landed in my inbox.  Great.  There’s no way I’ll get through them all, but I start chipping away.  The morning flies by and before I know it, Meg is tapping her foot impatiently by my desk.

“Okay, okay,” I huff.  “One more email and we’ll leave.”  I quickly proof the return email before hitting send.  Then I shut my computer down, sling my purse over my shoulder, and follow Meg to the elevator.  I wait for her to explode with this crisis she is having, but she stays silent until we’ve got our food and found a table at a café near the office.

“Are you going to spill?” I ask peevishly as I stab at my salad with my fork.

“I have a crisis of monumental proportions.”

“That sounds a little dramatic.”

“I met someone.  A guy,” she states.

“That’s awesome!”

“Yeah,” she sighs, focusing on her salad.

“Umm?  I’m confused.  Why aren’t you happy?”

“He’s amazing. We’ve been on four dates so far, and seriously, Liv, he’s so freaking sweet and considerate.  A real gentleman, you know?  Like, he opens doors for me and always makes sure I’m comfortable.”

“I don’t get what the problem is then,” I say with a shrug before shoving a forkful of salad into my mouth.

“We kind of got naked together last night.”

“That’s exciting!”  I reach for my glass of soda.

“Yeah, except…”

I take a sip while I wait for her to spit it out.  What on earth could this crisis of monumental proportions be?

She finally drags her eyes away from her uneaten salad to look at my face.  She cups her lips with one hand and whispers to me across the table.  “His dick is really small.”

Okay, that I was not expecting.  I bark out a laugh before containing it and realizing she is serious.

“Like, really small, Liv,” she continues.  Then she holds up her thumb and index finger until they are about an inch apart.  “It’s practically just the head.  No shaft.  His nutsack is four times the size of his cock.  Seriously.”

“That’s unfortunate,” I mutter.

“Yeah.”  She slumps in her seat.  “I don’t know what to do.  He’s perfect… except for what he’s not packin’.”

“Well, maybe it gets bigger when he’s hard?”

“He was hard.  At least, I think he was.  He has no shaft so I couldn’t fucking tell.”

“Maybe he knows how to use it?  Or he’s good with his mouth?” I attempt.

“Maybe,” she agrees sadly.  “It just sucks, you know?  Like, sex is way important.  I like it.  I don’t think a relationship can survive without it, especially in the beginning.  And if the sex isn’t good, then what if I get resentful?  What if I end up hating a perfect guy, all because he can’t satisfy me in the bedroom?”

“Okay, you need to take a deep breath.  I think you’re way overthinking this and you’re getting yourself worked up.  So, he’s got a small dick.”  I shrug.  “It could be worse.  He could be a murderer or rapist.  He could beat women or a whole host of other shitty things.  By the sounds of it, the only bad thing about him is the size of his pecker.”

“Yeah, it could be worse, couldn’t it?” she replies softly.

I pull up Google on my phone and tap on the keyboard quickly.

“See, there are options.”  I hold my phone up for her to see the webpage.

“Phalloplasty?”

“Yeah.  Penile enlargement surgery.  If things go the distance and you find yourself unsatisfied, maybe you could bring it up and see what he says.  But for right now, I think you just see how things go.  You might be surprised.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Now, eat your food.  We have to get back to the office.”

 

It’s just after five and I’m walking to my car when my phone pings with a text message.

Kyle:  I can pick Matilda up if you want.  We’ll meet you at yours with food.

Liv: That sounds great.  I’m just leaving work now.

Kyle: Pizza or Chinese?

Liv: Chinese please :)

 

I decide to stop by the liquor store and grab some beer and a bottle of wine since Kyle is buying dinner.  When I arrive home, Kyle’s truck is already in the drive, so I pull up behind him and walk inside with the drinks.  The sound of Matilda’s giggling in the first thing I hear when I enter. 

“Mercy! Mercy!” she cries through her fit of laughter.

“Should I stop tickling, Aunt Silly?” Kyle teases.

“Yes, stop.” Matilda giggles.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Celia singsongs.

I dump the beer and wine in the fridge before following the laughter up into Matilda’s bedroom.  The sight of them has my heart swelling to the point of explosion.  Matilda is on her bed, squirming in delight, as Kyle, on his knees beside the bed, tickles her stomach.  Celia is standing in the corner by the bed she has been sleeping in since she came home from the hospital, a smile on her face, her eyes twinkling.

“Oh, hi, Liv.  I didn’t hear you come home,” she says.

“I’m not surprised,” I reply through a chuckle.

“I’m gonna pee,” Matilda shouts, still giggling.

“Well, I guess I better stop then.”  Kyle pauses momentarily and Matilda thinks she’s been spared.  Until he launches in again and she’s giggling raucously once more.  When he finally lets up, Matilda jumps up and races to me, not giving Kyle a chance to tickle-attack her again.

“Hi, Momma,” she says, hugging my waist quickly.  Then she lets go and bolts into the bathroom.

“I’ll get dinner sorted,” Celia says, exiting the bedroom, leaving Kyle and me alone.

“Hi,” I say as he walks toward me.

“Hey.”  God, his voice.  It sends a tremor of delight down my spine.  He kisses me softly, only pulling away when we hear the bathroom door open.  I lick my lips, savoring the taste of him, and he growls as his eyes heat, watching my mouth.

“How was your day?” I ask.

“Better now.”

“Me too,” I admit on a whisper.

“Let’s go eat,” he says against my lips before kissing me once more quickly, then we walk out into the kitchen.

We decide to eat in front of the television since there’s a movie playing that Celia promised Matilda she would watch earlier.  My couch is small, so Kyle and Celia take the cushions and Matilda and I sit on the floor, resting our backs against the couch.  Kyle’s legs are either side of my hips and while I’m eating, he sporadically runs his fingers through my ponytail or across the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

The movie is okay, but it’s not enough to hold my attention, and not long after I finish my food, my eyes begin to droop.  Kyle’s strong hands start rhythmically massaging my shoulders, working free the knots and kinks that often plague my shoulders from sitting at my desk all day. My head lolls to the side, resting on his knee, and within minutes, I’m asleep.