Jonathan wasn’t used to being blown out. Ever since he was old enough to realise the effect he could have on women, and, to be truthful, some men, he’d been able to nurture this ability. It had got him a lot of good nights, some exciting days and the odd bit of preferential treatment on occasion. Whereas his older brother had always unselfconsciously rejected getting his own way by wit and charm alone, Jonathan had turned into a master of it. He wasn’t unusual, he was sure, as a much adored younger child. His mother had spoiled him and his father had always related more to him than Matthew.
Given this mindset, rejection wasn’t something that sat easily with him, so to have seen Gino bloody Marshall slinking out of the restaurant in last night’s clothes made him feel alternately angry and humiliated. Had Caroline really moved on from him so quickly? Had their night meant that little to her?
Jonathan cursed himself; he was obviously going soft. Not a problem the other night, he thought wryly, but then remembered what he’d just seen. Gino was fifteen years younger than him, after all. Perhaps he hadn’t measured up to Caroline’s expectations. Deciding to rethink the coffee, he was picking up his pace when he heard the restaurant door open.
‘Jonathan,’ Caroline called out.
Automatically, he turned round. Caroline was standing in the doorway. She looked paler than usual, vulnerable, the shadows under her eyes more pronounced. Too much shagging, he thought, determined not to show her that he cared.
‘Hi,’ he said, without moving towards her.
Caroline dithered in the doorway, one hand on the frame. Her uncertainty was so uncharacteristic, Jonathan felt a stab of longing and the faintest sense that something wasn’t right. He brushed it aside; she must be feeling guilty that she’d been caught with her young chef.
‘Are you coming in?’ Caroline asked, when no more from Jonathan was forthcoming.
Jonathan regarded her coolly. ‘I don’t think so.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I’m running late.’
Caroline looked stung for a split second before a careful mask of nonchalance descended. ‘All right,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you around, then.’
‘I should think so,’ Jonathan replied. ‘Unless you’ve got something better to do.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Jonathan held her gaze. ‘Oh, nothing.’ He paused. ‘But I wouldn’t go mixing business with pleasure again if I were you.’
‘I’m not sure I know what you mean.’ Caroline’s face was all irritable confusion but at least the fire was back in her eyes.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Jonathan said, managing to sound lighter than he felt. ‘I’ll see you at our next meeting.’ Turning on his heel, he strode off in the direction of the cider farm’s office.
Caroline shook her head in frustration. What the hell had rattled Jonathan’s cage so badly that he couldn’t even share a coffee with her? She resolved to tackle him some other time. She had more than enough to worry about with Paul Stone on the scene. Gino’s presence on the sofa last night had comforted her, but she had many more nights ahead of her when she was going to have to face the reality of being alone and now it seemed Jonathan wasn’t going to be by her side for any of them either.
She wished she felt able to confide in someone about everything that was happening, but the only person she could have told even a fraction of it to was James, and he was long gone. She hadn’t felt his loss this keenly for a while. Perhaps talking to someone was the solution after all, though. She grabbed her mobile and, with only a moment’s hesitation, searched for Paul Stone’s number. He picked up on the third ring, as if he’d been waiting for her to call.
‘OK,’ Caroline said wearily. ‘You win. How much will it take to get rid of you?’ Her face drained of all colour when she heard the amount of money he suggested. It was all of her remaining redundancy money and then some. But what choice did she have? Taking a deep breath, she agreed. ‘I’ll transfer half from my bank account tonight, and you’ll get the other half in cash by the end of the month. And that will be it, Paul, or I will go to the police. I know what you did to my cat.’ Hands trembling, the sound of his self-assured, low laughter rang in her ears as she ended the call.
Briefly, the thought of going to Anna crossed her mind, but she was very heavily pregnant now and had enough on her plate. Although, Caroline thought, perhaps Anna might be able to give her some answers about Jonathan’s sudden about turn, if the man himself insisted on being so fucking cryptic. Suddenly feeling the need to get out of the restaurant, she decided she’d wander over to Cowslip Barn. But she was going to make sure Solly, her remaining kitten, was safely shut in her rooms upstairs first.
*
Anna put her mug down on the table and leaned back in her chair, trying to get comfortable around the prominent bump of her unborn child. The last weeks were the worst, she knew from experience. Once she was as comfortable as she could be, she looked back at Caroline. ‘Do you want to know what I think?’
‘Do I get a choice?’ Caroline replied.
Anna smiled. ‘Of course.’
‘Oh, go on then,’ Caroline said grudgingly. ‘Try and justify what he said to me one more time.’ Caroline had explained a fair bit of the whole sorry story; from the wonderful night to what had just happened on the restaurant’s doorstep. Mindful of Anna’s condition, however, she’d omitted to tell her about Scrumpy, and Gino spending the night on the sofa.
‘It’s not a justification, or an excuse, I promise you.’ Anna picked up her mug and took another sip of tea. ‘If you want my opinion, he’s terrified of committing to anyone because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of being committed to.’ She shook her head at Caroline’s sardonically raised eyebrow. ‘No, hear me out. He can’t forgive himself for doing what he did to Matthew all those years ago. Even now, knowing that Matthew has forgiven him. So, he goes from one woman to the next, relying on the fact that he can walk away if and when things get complicated, or they want more. He’s never allowed himself to fall in love because he feels as though he doesn’t deserve to be loved. But you’ve knocked him sideways and he doesn’t know how to react. He’s frightened to admit that he might be falling in love with you, and even more frightened that he’ll end up hurting you.’ Anna sighed. ‘Throw a whole bucket load of anxiety about finding his place back in the family and I think you can see why he’s freaking out. The Carters have been so far apart for so many years that it’s taking all of them a while to get used to being back together. And now it sounds like he might feel really strongly for you, too…’
‘Have you ever considered an alternative career as a therapist?’ Caroline said. But what if Anna was right? What if the reason Jonathan had been so offhand just now was truly because he didn’t have the confidence, or the self-worth, to admit to his feelings? Or what if it really was because he didn’t want her as much as she’d always thought he did and now he’d had her, the novelty of the conquest had gone? ‘Fuck,’ she said, realising too late she’d said it out loud. ‘Sorry,’ she glanced hastily at Ellie, who seemed, thankfully, to be involved in her jigsaw puzzle at the end of the table. ‘I just don’t know what to think.’
‘Perhaps you need to stop thinking,’ Anna said gently. ‘Trust your heart.’
Caroline shook her head. ‘My heart doesn’t exactly have a great track record. My last few relationships haven’t exactly been a bed of roses.’ And let’s not even think about Paul Stone, she thought.
‘Everyone makes mistakes,’ Anna replied. ‘But that’s the only way to learn. Trust yourself. Trust Jonathan. I think he’s earned it, don’t you?’
‘That whole conversation this morning was just such a massive let down after getting so close to him.’ Caroline stroked Sefton, who put a sympathetic paw on her lap. ‘I mean, he’s been prowling around for months, coming close and then backing off, and OK, that was mostly because I kept telling him to keep his distance, but when I finally decided to let my guard down… well, you know the rest.’ Mindful of her niece, she left repeating the details a second time.
‘He’s probably at a loss, too,’ Anna said. ‘Now I know that you and Jonathan haven’t exactly been spending a lot of time together as lovers, and you probably do need to back off and let him come to terms with this in his own time, but perhaps offer him some understanding, some friendship. He’s probably as confused as you are right now.’
‘Great,’ Caroline snorted. ‘So not only does the most confident, self-assured bloke in the universe have a whole bunch of self-esteem issues I never could have guessed at, but I also have to cope with the fact that he now doesn’t have a clue what to do around me. That hardly fills me with confidence and boosts my self-esteem, either!’
‘Did he give you any clue as to why he’s being so offhand?’ Anna asked.
Caroline shook her head. ‘Not really.’
‘Nothing at all?’
‘If you knew how frustrating it’s been,’ Caroline sighed. ‘It’s all right for you, about to pop with the offspring of a broodingly handsome multi-millionaire cider maker, but Jonathan and I have got so close, so many times. And the frustrating thing is, I know how good we are together. I’ve been trying to deny it to myself, but I really thought we could give being more than colleagues a shot, despite everything. And now he won’t even level with me.’
‘Give him a bit of time,’ Anna said. ‘He’s worth it, honestly. He kept me sane when Matthew and I were having some difficulties after Merry’s accident, and he’s got a wonderful heart underneath all of that surface charm. He’s just too frightened to admit it.’ She looked levelly at her former sister-in-law. ‘I think he feels quite deeply about you.’ She looked contemplatively at Caroline again. ‘You and Jonathan are quite similar, if you don’t mind me saying so.’
‘We are?’
‘You’re both so alone.’
Caroline winced. ‘Thanks for that.’
‘You know what I mean.’ Anna smiled gently. ‘Even when I couldn’t see past losing James for myself, I knew how much you were suffering; especially after losing your Mum and Dad. You shut yourself off from us for so long, but I knew that was what you had to do. I hoped, in time you’d come back to Ellie and me. I know how rough it was for you and that you handled it in your own way.’ She looked Caroline directly in the eyes. ‘Jonathan’s alone, too. He might have this amazing family pedigree, but he can’t find his place here. He’s been away for so long, but now he’s back I think he’s really struggling. In a way, you’d be perfect for each other; you’d give each other some roots.’
‘Hah!’ Caroline snorted. ‘I suppose that’s your attempt at an apple growing pun.’
Anna laughed. ‘Not intentionally. But I do mean it. Keep the faith, Caroline. It may well be worth it in the end.’
‘Easy for you to say,’ Caroline muttered. ‘I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I’ve still got to see him once a week for business meetings and even with Gino and Emma acting as chaperones it’s going to be awkward.’
‘They won’t know where to look!’ Anna laughed, then winced as the action caused a strong downwards kick from her unborn baby. ‘Excuse me a minute,’ she said, heaving herself up and heading for the downstairs loo.
‘I’ve got to get back for lunchtime service anyway,’ Caroline said. ‘I’ll see you soon.’
She headed out of the kitchen door and it was only when she got back to the restaurant she realised she still had her mug of tea in her hand. Perhaps she was losing the plot as much as Jonathan.