Chapter Five
Archer
@themacattack I should start charging for relationship advice. #myfriendsneedit #especiallyarcher #expertstatus #therealmacdaddy
Me: I’m thinking of texting Kassidy.
Mac: Who’s that?
Me: The girl I met tonight.
Mac: Too soon.
Me: I’ll just ask how the concert was.
Mac: Lame.
Me: Then what should I say?
Mac: Nothing. Give it time.
Me: I want to text her now.
Mac: Loser.
Me: Takes one to know one.
Mac: We’re using third grade comebacks now?
Mac: Hello? Archer? You there?
Mac: Don’t do it. Don’t text her.
Mac: You’ll look desperate, man.
…
Me: Hey. It’s Archer. Survive the concert?
Kassidy: Barely. My ears are still ringing.
Me: Backstage we wear earplugs.
Kassidy: I could’ve used some, but not because of the music. Because of all the screaming.
Me: Then why didn’t you stop?
Kassidy: Ha! Not me. Everyone else.
Me: Not everyone. I wasn’t.
Kassidy: I hope not. That would be weird.
Me: You figured out who I am.
Kassidy: Hard not to. You and Ross are identical.
Me: Except I’m better looking, right?
Kassidy: Right.
Me: Ah ha! Proof. I’m screenshotting this conversation and sending it to Ross right now.
Kassidy: LOL
Me: Seriously. He has a giant head.
Kassidy: After watching all those girls at the concert, I can see why.
Me: No. I mean he literally has a big head. Much larger than mine.
Kassidy: Ha! I didn’t even notice.
Me: His chest was probably distracting you. I’m more ripped than him. You’ll see.
Kassidy: I will, huh?
Me: Better go before I put my foot in my mouth.
Kassidy: Before you do?
Me: Uh oh. And btw, the ringing will subside. Trust me.
Kassidy: I’ll take your word for it.
Me: Night.
Kassidy: Bye.
…
Me: Too late, Mac.
Mac: You didn’t.
Me: Yep.
Mac: Did you ask her out?
Me: Not yet. I didn’t want to come on too strong.
Mac: You already have.
Me: It was only a couple of texts. She seemed to like it.
Mac: She probably did. You should’ve listened to me.
Me: Huh?
Mac: Girls always expect more. If you give too much right at the beginning, you’re screwed.
Me: I should lower the bar?
Mac: Exactly.
Me: I’m starting to see why you’re single.
Mac: By choice.
Me: That’s what you keep saying.
Mac: Cause it’s true.
Me: Whatever, man. I’ll stick with my plan.
Mac: It’s your funeral.
Me: Btw, I saw your tweet. The real mac daddy? Really?
Mac: You know it.
@archerdev1 The meet-and-greet line is pretty long. Looks like I’m not hanging out with Ross tonight. #dutycalls #celebritysighting #playlistersconcert
…
Mom: Where are you ?
Me: Home.
Mom: We’re taking Ross out for ice cream. I thought you were coming.
Me: Sorry. I left because I’m tired.
Mom: Okay. Get some rest. Love you.
Me: Night.
…
Me: Ross, you’re going out for ice cream with Mommy and Daddy after your big concert? You party animal, you.
Ross: Screw you.
Me: Love you, too.
Ross: Dick.
Me: Is that the lyric to your new song?
Ross: Douchebag.
Me: I think I’d leave that line out. People might get offended.
Ross: I can’t believe you left, man.
Me: Maybe you should take a songwriting class. These lyrics are going downhill fast.
Ross: I’m out.
Me: Ah, don’t be like that.
Me: Ross?
Me: Hello??
…
Me: You may be right.
Mac: You’ll have to be more specific. I’m always right.
Me: About coming on too strong.
Mac: What did you do?
Me: I may have offered to show her my bare chest.
Mac: What? Why would you do that? No one wants to see that.
Me: She might like it.
Mac: Is she blind?
Me: Screw you.
Mac: Sounds like you already screwed up enough.
Me: You think it’s that bad?
Mac: Yep.