I can’t stop thinking about that strange talk I had with Gavin this morning. Our words replay in my mind as I go from class to class. As much as I want to be mad at him, I can’t ignore the fact that he’s hurting. I could see it all over his face.

His eyes, and the pain in them, haunts me as I work on my math test. I think about it during lunch when Erin talks nonstop and doesn’t seem to notice that I’m not adding to the conversation.

I’ve been avoiding reading his stupid letter, but I did keep it in my nightstand. I guess I’ve been wanting to read it, thinking that one day I might actually do it, otherwise I would have thrown it away. But I can’t ever bring myself to do that.

TJ catches me in the hallways before our last class. He’s all energetic like he always is at the end of the day. It’s the mornings when he’s sleepy and sluggish.

“Hey there,” he says, grinning at me from ear to ear. “How was your day?”

“I think I passed my math test.”

“Cool, cool.” He goes to put his arm around my shoulders, but I conveniently have to tie my shoe. It’s not even that loose, but I pull the shoelace and redo it anyway. I don’t want his arm around me right now. It’s so awkward. We’re not together-together. I don’t know what we are, but all the progress I’d made in trying to make myself like him went right out the door after that talk I had with Gavin today.

Only Gavin and I can have heartfelt talks like that. With TJ, everything is so superficial.

“You want a ride home after school?” he says.

I stand back up. “Um, no thanks.”

He looks offended, so I say, “I promised my friend I’d ride the bus with her so she can tell me some crazy story about her boyfriend.”

“Lame. We should hang out this weekend though, when you’re done with that jackass Gavin.”

I nod, but I don’t really feel it. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to care.

On the bus ride home, I sit alone like I usually do, and I text Livi in the hopes that it’ll take my mind off Gavin.

 

Livi: Dude! It’s totally going to snow tonight!

Me: Really?

Livi: the weather app says so. WOOT!

 

I switch to Gavin’s text and send him a message.

 

Me: Apparently it’s supposed to snow tonight so you should stay home and we’ll work on the greenhouse another night.

Contractor: This is Texas…even when it snows, it doesn’t snow that much.

Me: lol, I know but still. Just be safe and save it for another time

Contractor: if you insist

 

I stare at the phone for a long time, wanting to reply. But I don’t have anything to say. At least not right now.

As soon as I get home, I go to my nightstand and pull out the envelope. Before I can talk myself out of it, I rip it open and take out the letter. I push my door closed and sit on the bed, and then I read Gavin’s words three times to let it all sink in.

 

#

 

I hadn’t said anything to TJ when he texted me asking if he could stop by my house to hang out before going to the diner with his friends. I just texted back sure.

And then I waited.

Right around seven o’clock, TJ’s SUV pulls into my driveway. He’s never been inside my house, and I don’t plan to let him in this time. I pull on my heaviest winter coat and I meet him outside.

“Hey, beautiful,” he says, his breath making puffs of white smoke in the chilly air. “You gonna invite me inside, or are we gonna freeze out here?”

I fold my hands over my chest. The air is colder than ever, a crisp winter chill. But there’s no snow anywhere yet. TJ’s golden hair glows from the porch light.

I stare at him so long, his smile fades away. “Well?” he says.

“Did you vandalize my greenhouse?”

The question hangs in the air for so long I start to wonder if I actually said the words out loud, or if maybe I just imagined that I did.

“No,” TJ finally says, but it sounds like a question. “What makes you ask that?”

“Did you vandalize my greenhouse?” I ask again. “With Gavin?”

“What the hell has he told you?” TJ exhales through his nose, his nostrils flaring. “He’s just jealous that you’re mine now.”

“I’m not yours,” I snap. “Answer the question.”

“I didn’t do shit to your greenhouse. Damn.” TJ rattles his car keys in his hand. “If you’re gonna be a bitch, I’ll just go home.”

“If you’re going to be a liar, you should go home.”

He shuffles on his feet. “I didn’t do anything.”

I’ve never seen someone so bad at lying. “We’re done,” I say, taking a step backward. “Don’t call me anymore, don’t text me. Whatever this is, it’s over.”

“Clarissa, seriously?” he says, throwing his hands in the air. “Are you serious right now?”

“Yeah,” I snap, turning around and walking toward my door. “Bye.”

I feel a rush of adrenaline as I walk back inside my house and close the door behind me. I stood up for myself and I told off a guy and it felt great. I lean against the wall and peer out the crack of the window to watch TJ get back in his car and leave.

“What are you doing?” Grandpa asks.

I look over and find him sitting on the couch, the TV turned to the news.

“Just looking out the window,” I say.

“I hear it’s supposed to snow tonight,” Grandpa says. “I wish I could see it.”

“Maybe you can go outside and feel it.”

He considers it for a moment. “That would be nice.”

I smile even though he can’t see me, and I squeeze his hand on my way to my bedroom. Then I call Livi and tell her every single detail of what just happened.

“Whoa,” she says. “But you don’t even sound upset.”

“Why would I be upset?” I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. “I feel like a badass telling him off like that.”

“Yeah, but, he was like…kind of your boyfriend.”

“TJ?” I groan. “Not really.”

“You’ve been sort of dating him for a couple weeks now,” she says. “And now you find out he lied to you and he was part of the greenhouse vandalism and you’re totally fine? No tears at all?”

“I guess I am fine,” I say with a shrug. “I definitely don’t feel sad.”

“Okay, but you were devastated when you found out that Gavin had lied to you about the exact same thing.”

I swallow and run my hand down my face. “That’s…different.”

“That’s the point I’m trying to make,” she says slowly. “It is different. Because you actually liked Gavin.”

“I liked TJ too,” I say.

“No, no you didn’t. I’m your best friend and I know these things. You wanted to like him but you didn’t.”

“Yeah, well they’re both liars,” I say with a sigh. “I can’t deal with liars.”

“I think you should give Gavin another chance.”

“What!” I sit up in bed. “How can you say that? He lied to me!”

“And then he explained it all in his letter,” she says. “You like him a lot. I know you do. He made a mistake and he’s trying to make up for it. You should meet him halfway.”

My eyes flood with unshed tears. I think deep down I know she’s right. I suffered when I found out about Gavin’s lie. I was heartbroken. When I read his letter and realized that TJ also lied to me, I just wanted revenge. I wanted to tell him it was over and then be done with it. I didn’t hurt at all.

“Gavin is the guy your heart wants,” Livi continues. “You should talk to him.”

I look at his letter and think about how he’s been the last few weeks. He’s quiet. He sits there and ignores the world, and then he leaves school for lunch. He doesn’t seem to have any friends anymore. This entire thing has ruined his life lately. TJ still has his soccer team and his friends and his reputation. He hasn’t suffered at all, and yet the guy who was noble enough to admit he made a mistake has had all of the suffering heap onto his shoulders.

When we get off the phone, I send Gavin a text.

 

Me: Hey, are you awake?

It’s only eight-thirty so he has to be awake. But I sit around and wait for a reply that never comes.

Then I pull on the warmest clothes I own and go out to the living room. Mom is asleep but Grandpa is still up listening to the TV.

“Can I borrow your truck?” I ask him.

He frowns. “How late is it?”

“Not that late,” I lie.

“Okay then. Be careful, it’s cold out there.”

“Thanks, Grandpa,” I say, giving him a hug. “I’ll be back soon.”