t w e n t y - t h r e e
“The worst thing you can do if you miss or need someone is let them know it.”
—Sarah Dessen
“I feel like there’s this impossible standard I’m never going to live up to,” I complain at Zach. He’s rifling through his backpack, looking for his history textbook. Zach may be able to remember his lines, but he’s super forgetful of everything else.
“I’m taking a ton of APs,” I continue as I watch Zach struggle. “That work never stops. Then I have campaign events during the week and most weekends. Did I tell you about what Rich was saying to me yesterday?”
Zach zips up his backpack. He’s finally found his book.
“He gave me a lecture about how people are cruel on the internet. Okay, Captain Obvious. I’m in high school. Like I don’t know how nasty things can get online. I’ve seen all the comments.” I almost mention the article about the eating disorder, but then I stop short. I don’t want to bring that up with Zach. Now that I finally have a shot at actually physically going out with him, I don’t want to bring up the big stuff.
“What did he want you to do?” Zach asks.
“He told me not to look. At anything. Mom said the same thing. They think it’s too much pressure. I don’t get why they can’t just let me make that decision on my own,” I say. “How could they expect me not to look?”
“That would be ridiculous,” Zach agrees. “It’s a lie if people say they never Google themselves. I used to all the time.”
“But then you stopped?”
“I couldn’t handle it anymore. All of the conflicting opinions. That stuff’s toxic if you read it without being in the proper frame of mind.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“To laugh at everything no matter what. People, even when they’re being mean, are generally trying to be funny. It’s just that most people aren’t funny, you know? And you have to understand that the people making fun of you are only making fun of an image...a character. It’s not really you.”
I take Zach’s arm as both of us walk down the hallway.
“They don’t know the real me,” he explains. “People who get to know the real me aren’t going to just sit around laughing drawing mustaches over my face. People who get to know me actually want to have a conversation of some kind. So, all that stuff on the internet, or even on TV...it’s all a lie. It’s just as unreal as the public image of you they think they’re making fun of.”
“You’re right,” I say. “It’s just the pressure to fit this image of what everyone thinks I should be according to who my parents are.”
Talking with Zach makes me feel a little better but doesn’t take away this whirling ball of anxiety that constantly lives in the pit of my stomach. Even though I’m feeling a little better than I did at Christmas, I can’t seem to make that feeling go away. It’s something I think maybe I’ll have to deal with forever.
Zach and I say goodbye, separating from each other to go to our classes, which are at different sides of the building. I’m walking down the hallway, thinking about Zach’s comments, when Felicity walks up to me. It’s rare for her to be alone.
“Hey, Liv. Love your outfit,” she says.
That’s a huge compliment coming from her, but I’m skeptical. She’s easily the most fashionable girl at Eastlake—even more so than the girls who do work as models. Since I’ve been hanging out with Zach, Felicity has warmed up to me at school. She and I actually talk during English sometimes. She’s still best friends with Cristina though.
“Thanks,” I say, trying not to raise an eyebrow.
Did Zach put her up to this?
“Remember when I told you about that gallery show a while back?”
“Oh yeah.” I try not to act excited, though my heart is already a wild monster in my chest anticipating what she’s about to say.
“Yeah, the one with LeFeber,” she says. “They changed the date. It’s next weekend now. The first Friday of February. Dad put you on the list. We can hang out. Synchronicity, right?”
I give her an awkward hug. “Thank you,” I say and squeal.
I can’t contain my excitement. I’m in. I’m really in.
Felicity pulls away, chomping her gum. “You’re so cute.”
“Should I bring Zach?” I ask.
Honestly, I would go without him just to see LeFeber’s work, let alone actually meet him. But I’m still hoping Rich will talk to Dad today to get me the go-ahead.
“Cristina will probably be there, but I think she’s finally over him. She’s seeing some new guy. I hear he’s foreign.”
As soon as Felicity walks out of earshot, I spot Sam and Antonia walking together, only about twenty feet away from me. I can’t decide whether I want to hide or say something to them. It turns out I don’t have to do either because—rather than avoiding me—Antonia heads straight for me, leaving Sam trailing a few feet behind her.
“Felicity? Really?” Antonia says. “You used to hate girls like her. Now you’re one of them.”
I’m stunned. She’s caught me completely off guard. Sam just stares at me. He doesn’t say anything. He must think I’m totally crazy after I ran out on him and Nina at the library. I wouldn’t blame him. Nothing I’ve done around him makes any sense.
Before I think of something to say, Antonia speaks up again. “I hear that when you cut off one of the Hydra’s heads, another one grows back. I forget. Is that right, Liv?”
My heart breaks. It hurts how much I miss them. I miss our conversations. I miss the way they used to know what I was thinking before I said anything.
I can’t keep this up. It’ll destroy me.
I miss us.