t h i r t y - n i n e
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
—Jalaluddin Rumi
I wake up feeling like a nightmare has taken hold of my body. There are vibrations beneath my skin. It’s cold. Everything’s cold. I feel horrible. I crack my eyes open though I’m afraid of what I might see.
A white sheet covers me.
Sunlight pours through the windows.
I’m in a hospital. There’s an IV in my wrist.
I try to lift my arm. I feel so weak.
The night comes back in bits and pieces. I snuck out. I drank. I remember Antonia. I remember a Samoan who likes Mamacita Rica. Sam was there. I threw my arms around him. Did I kiss him? I don’t remember anything afterward.
What will my family think of me now? What will the entire school think? Please, don’t let anyone in this room with a camera. I don’t want to be seen like this. I just want to go back to being the old invisible, who’s-that-girl Olivia Blakely.
I’m about to fall asleep again when the door opens. It’s Royce and Jasmine. It’s almost a relief that they aren’t Mom and Dad. I give them a weak smile. They look awful. Like they’ve been up all night. Royce has bags under his eyes. Jasmine isn’t smiling. Are they back together? I hope they’re together. I start to doubt it though. I doubt everything.
“Hi, Liv,” Jasmine says. She has tears in her eyes.
Why does she have to see me like this?
“You poor, poor thing,” she says and takes my hand. “I was so worried. I’ve never been so worried. My brothers wanted to come, I told them maybe tomorrow. I wanted to see you for myself first, make sure you want more guests. But they said to send their love. Mom and Dad too. Lola Cherry said she’ll loan you her cane.”
I crack the tiniest smile.
“How are you feeling, Livie?” Royce asks, sitting down in the chair next to the hospital bed. “You had us really scared. We’ve been here for hours. Mason is taking it the hardest. He really freaked out. I mean, we all kinda did.”
I turn my head away from Royce. “Where is he?”
“The lobby,” Royce says. “He didn’t want to come in unless you wanted him to. He said you’re probably mad at him.”
I think about how Mason wanted to help me, how Mom and Dad wanted to help me, but also how they went about everything in the completely wrong way. Then again, when it comes to these kinds of things, maybe there just isn’t a right way.
“Who else is here?” I ask.
“Everyone,” Royce says. “Mom, Dad, us, Antonia. Sam is here too.”
I feel so awful. Not just physically. I’m pretty numb there, and weak. A lot of it right now is embarrassment. I want to wither away.
“I responded to your text last night,” Jasmine says. She still has tears in her eyes. “When I didn’t hear from you, I called Royce.”
She responded to my text?
I look around the room for my phone, but there’s nothing here. Not the clothes I was wearing last night. There isn’t even a pair of shoes. I couldn’t walk out if I wanted to. There’s no hiding now. I’m sure she knows everything.
“Are you...?” I start to ask.
Royce doesn’t even let the question hang in the air. “We’re here because we both care about you.”
I wish he would answer the question. I wish they had never broken up. Their relationship was always something I looked up to—something that showed me how love could last despite all the suffering in the world.
“I thought I had control of my life the way you always did,” I say to Jasmine. “I thought I could handle everything myself.”
The way she dedicated herself so hard to succeeding. Then did.
Jasmine sighs. “No one has control, it’s just an illusion. We can only control so much, and we need help for the rest.”
I’ve always looked up to Jasmine, and now I’ve let her and everyone else down. I can hardly take it.
“Liv,” she says. “Sometimes we’re strong. Other times we’re fragile, and that’s okay. We have to accept that. This world is so big and we’re all so small that it’s easy to feel unwanted or not good enough. But you have to remind yourself that you’re always loved no matter what. You’re included in your family, my family. You’re bright and smart and sassy. You’re beautiful on every layer, even your most painful ones. And it really hurts to see you like this. But I can tell you, this is just part of healing.”
She kisses me on the head. I wish that and a wave of the hand could take away all of this. I love Jasmine, but I still feel like a failure. Talking to them should make me feel better, but I actually feel worse. All I can think about is having failed my family, myself, school... Everyone will know, and they’re all going to think of me as weak, messed up. That girl.
I pull my hand away. “I’m tired,” I say. “I better rest.”
Jasmine rubs my arm and shoulder. “Okay,” she says. “I love you. If you need me just call.”
“I love you too,” Royce says to me. “You know you’re the best sister ever, this doesn’t change that. I’ll be checking back in. Try not to hate Mom and Dad or Mason. We all love you.”
I can’t say those same words back to him. Not right now. Not with so much pain and embarrassment. “Thanks,” I say.
I watch them walk out, watching the door click shut.
I try to sleep, but I can’t. Everything feels wrong. I feel like I’m in prison. I’m hooked up to an IV. Every little thing is being monitored. I’m just a statistic now.
Soon the door opens again. It’s Mom.
I feel a surge of pain mixed with anger and resentment.
She pours me some water, puts a straw in it. It’s a bendy straw. It’s silly, but I’ve always liked those. I recognize right away this is some kind of peace offering.
I accept it, take a sip. I want to apologize, but I don’t have any words. Mom is crying. She’s obviously been doing that for hours. She stands next to the bed.
“Sit down,” I say. “You’re making me nervous.”
She does and half smiles at me. “I feel guilty that I didn’t help you as much as I could have, or in the right ways. We’ve pushed you too hard. I know you have a complicated relationship, but Dad’s very sorry. He’s heartbroken. You’re his baby girl. He wants to see you whenever you’re ready. He doesn’t want to stress you in any way.”
I sip some more water, considering what I want to say. I don’t think I’m ready to forgive them yet.
Mom waits for my response, then sighs disappointedly. “We’re going to get you all the help you need.”
I put the cup on the tray.
She meets my eyes with hers. “I’m glad you have a friend like Sam in your life.”
I’m so embarrassed about last night that I’m sure Sam won’t ever talk to me again. Not that I remember what happened after we left the bar. I’m sure that whatever it is can’t be good. Not if I ended up in a hospital.
Something occurs to me just then. Is Sam someone I could have loved, could have built something with instead of going out with Zach? If so, is the chance ruined forever?
I’m about to agree with her when Mason comes into the room. This makes me twice as nervous. I can’t tell whether to feel bad for pushing him away or mad at him for lying to me. I guess Mom knew all along, but they hid things from Dad for my sake, which probably made him even more furious. At first, I thought Dad reacted the way he did after the dinner when Cristina outed me because he was embarrassed about what my problems would mean for his campaign, but I realize now that he was angry at himself for not noticing what I guess had been obvious to everyone else for a long time.
And here I thought I was good at hiding things.
“Hey, I don’t want to interrupt,” he says. “I just wanted to check in before I go home for a while. I need to get some sleep.”
He walks up to Mom and hugs her.
She kisses him on the cheek.
He comes up to me too and stands by my bed. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I let you stick it out alone for so long without getting you help. Even if you didn’t want me to, I should have.”
He gives me a giant hug.
I don’t have much energy to hug back.
“I love you,” he says.
It’s like his words are the first that finally reach me. They mean more coming from him. He knows what it’s like to be thought of as the screwup, the do-nothing.
I understand now.
“I love you too,” I say.
I turn onto my side, cry and sleep.