15

It took April three weeks to decide that she wasn’t going to go away to college. Dr. Sorenson’s analysis of her case had dashed many of her dreams and ambitions. She knew her parents were relieved because they hadn’t wanted her to be far away, but they were also upset because college had been in their plans for her ever since she was born. “We’ll find someplace local,” her father said. “Good heavens, we live in New York, there are plenty of choices.”

“Sure,” April said, forcing herself to sound cheery. “Maybe I’ll take a few courses—you know, the things every freshman has to take, and then transfer somewhere in January.”

Ever since April’s argument with her mother, her parents had been walking on eggshells around her. They had nothing more to say about Mark, which helped her feel less boxed in and defensive, but she knew they’d discussed it between themselves many times. Just as long as they left her alone, she didn’t care what they talked about.

On the morning when Kelli was leaving with her father to drive out to Oregon, April showed up in her friend’s driveway. They stood beside the trailer hooked to the back of Kelli’s father’s car, waiting for him to finish up details inside the house. April eyed the trailer solemnly. “I’ll bet it’s full.”

“To the brim. I didn’t realize how much of my stuff I wanted to take with me.”

“You are planning on coming back, aren’t you?”

Kelli cast a furtive glance toward her house. “If I have a place to come back to.”

“Are things that bad?”

“I think Dad’s using this trip as an excuse to check out his options.” April didn’t know what to say, but Kelli changed the subject. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Same here.”

“You are going to be all right, aren’t you?”

“As all right as I can be under the circumstances.” When she’d first told Kelli about her visit to Dr. Sorenson, her friend had burst into tears, and it had been April who’d ended up comforting Kelli instead of the other way around.

“At least you have Mark,” Kelli said. “I’m glad you do.”

“Me too. At least some part of my life is perfect.”

The front door opened and Kelli’s father came out, juggling a Thermos of coffee and a set of road maps. Kelli’s mother was right behind him. April waited while Kelli hugged her mother goodbye. Then she hugged her friend. “You write me,” Kelli said. Tears brimmed in her eyes.

“I will. You write too.” April sniffed. Saying goodbye was harder than she’d imagined.

Kelli climbed into the car, and April called, “See you at Christmas.” A lump rose in April’s throat. She was supposed to be going away too, and for the first time it struck her how completely her life had changed. She stepped back and stood shoulder to shoulder with Kelli’s mother, watching the car and trailer pull slowly out of the driveway and out of her life.

Over the next several weeks, April said goodbye to many of her friends and watched them head off to college, while she enrolled in only two classes at NYU. Freshman orientation was a bewildering maze that left her tired and short-tempered, but Mark picked her up afterward and took her to their favorite little restaurant, where he soothed her with a plate of linguine and a chocolate torte. “Feel better?” he asked as she finished the meal.

“Much. But if I continue to eat like this, you’ll have to get a tow truck to drive me around.”

He smiled. “I’d love you even if you grew another head.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.” He’d been unusually quiet. “Want to tell me what’s bothering you?”

“What makes you think something’s bothering me?”

“Isn’t something?”

He shrugged, looked sheepish, and said, “I guess I’ve been thinking about you starting classes. And about all the new guys you’ll be meeting.”

“Oh, sure. Right. I’m having to beat them off with a stick already.”

“I’m serious, April. You’re beautiful, and it won’t be long before some guy notices and asks you out.”

Half exasperated, she said, “So what’s your point? Do you want me to say yes?”

“Of course not. But I don’t want you to feel obligated to me either.”

Completely exasperated now, she snapped, “Is that what you think of me? That I date you because I feel obligated? That’s idiotic, Mark! And insulting. Especially after all we’ve been through together.”

“Don’t be mad.”

“I don’t know what else to be. You’re really upsetting me.”

He rested his elbows on the table and leaned toward her. “That is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I don’t know why I’m acting like such a jerk. Forgive me. Okay?”

She couldn’t stay angry with him, but she didn’t want to let him off too easily either. “So, will you please get over your problem already? I don’t know how else to show you I care about you. About us. I don’t know what else I can say.”

He studied her intently. “All right. Fair enough. I won’t question your feelings again.” He paused, stared at her thoughtfully, then asked, “Do you believe in love at first sight? I do. And the first time I looked up and saw you across that hospital waiting room, I was dazzled. I know that must sound stupid, but it’s the truth. When my grandmother was alive, she used to tell me that every time God creates a soul in heaven, he creates another to be its special mate. And that once we’re born, we begin our search for our soul mate, the one person who’s the perfect fit for our mind and body. The lucky ones find each other.”

Moved, she reached across the table and took his hand. “Mark, I know that we have a place in each other’s lives. And no matter what happens, I will never forget you. And I will never feel quite the same way about anybody else again. You are my first—no—you are my only love.”

His eyes filled with tears and, embarrassed, he glanced away. When he spoke, his voice was gruff. “Come on, let’s get out of here. I want to hold you and kiss you and if I do it here—well, we may have to find another restaurant to call ours.”

She stood with him, and arm in arm they walked to the cashier, paid, and walked out into the moonlight.

On September fourth Mark turned twenty-two, and his parents threw a family birthday party. Their small house was filled with aunts, uncles, and cousins. Mark’s mother cooked platters of food along with several desserts, including an enormous cake that sat in the center of the dining room table. Balloons, trailing long ribbons, floated against the ceiling, and a birthday banner stretched from one side of the dining room to the other. “Having a good time?” Mark yelled to April above the noise of the celebration.

“Terrific!” she answered. When it came time to open presents, she sat on the floor by his feet handing him gifts from a large pile on a nearby table. She held her gift back, waiting until most of the others were opened. Finally she pushed the giant, beautifully wrapped box toward him.

“Open it,” April urged, anxious for Mark to see her present.

He ripped off the wrapping paper, reached into the box, and pulled out a complete racing suit made of a flame-retardant fabric. The silvery white material of the coveralls, helmet, and gloves caught the light as he held them up. His jaw dropped. “This is awesome.” He stared down at her. “These things cost a fortune!”

“You’re worth it,” she said, satisfied with his reaction and knowing she’d caught him totally off-guard.

Mark jumped up and held the outfit for all to see. “Look at this! It’s the best stuff made for racing today.”

She grinned, but stopped grinning when she saw the expression on Mark’s mother’s face. She was not smiling. She was not one bit impressed with April’s gift. April realized that she had only been thinking of what Mark would like when she’d chosen the gift. She’d forgotten how his mother might react.

Later, when April was helping to stack dishes in the kitchen, Rosa said to her, “I know what you gave Mark cost a great deal of money.”

“The money isn’t important. I picked something that I knew he’d like. I know you don’t approve of his racing, but the suit will make it safer. I mean, I worry about him too. I’m sorry if it upset you.”

Rosa studied April. “I realize Mark’s a grown man. And I know how much his racing means to him. I’m not trying to be an over-protective mother, but put yourself in my place. When he was diagnosed with CF as a little boy, his doctor told us that he probably wouldn’t live beyond his sixteenth birthday.”

April sucked in her breath. “Really?”

“I never dreamed he’d see twenty-two. Every year now is a special gift from God. What upsets me about the racing is that every time he goes out on that track, he’s flirting with death.”

“He’s a good driver.”

“I know he is. But why court disaster? It scares me to watch him drive. That’s why I stopped going to the track to watch him. When he began dating you, I thought he might give up the racing.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” April replied. “I think the racing sort of balances out the CF in his mind. He can’t change his medical condition, but he can affect how fast he pushes his car. Pushing the car to its limit makes him feel in control.”

“You’re right. But I can’t …” Mark’s mother’s voice trailed off, and April could see that the conversation was making Mrs. Gianni very emotional.

“I understand,” April told her. “But for him, it’s worth the risk. And neither of us really has the right to rob him of that sense of power.”

Rosa slipped a pile of dishes into a sinkful of water. “Life never balances out, April. At best, it simply lets you coast along with the illusion of control. At worst, it wrenches control from you totally and then you have to decide how you’re going to deal with it.”

“Well, I think Mark deals with it by not giving up. And by making plans and acting on them.”

“And you?” Rosa asked. “How do you deal with it?”

April knew that Mark’s family was aware of her medical problems. She replied, “One day at a time. Mark taught me that.”

“You’re a lovely girl, April, but you’ve lived a very privileged life. Mark hasn’t.”

April was taken aback. “Privilege doesn’t make a difference when you get sick, Mrs. Gianni. Or when you get diagnosed with a brain tumor. And all the money in the world can’t make either thing go away. So Mark and I are more alike than we are different.”

Rosa was about to reply, but the kitchen door swung open and a group of relatives entered, chattering and carrying plates and leftover food. April never knew what Mark’s mother might have said, but she did get the impression that it wouldn’t have been approving. And she wondered why, after all these months, his mother seemed against April being with her only son.