10

After her first month of radiation, April returned to the city to meet with Dr. Sorenson. Her mother went with her and, after the routine exam, took her out for lunch and shopping. “I wish he’d told us something,” her mother said as they settled into velvet-covered chairs at the restaurant.

“He did,” April replied, nibbling on a bread stick. “He said there wasn’t anything to tell us yet.” Until her radiation therapy was completed, the tumor couldn’t be measured, nor could she be given a prognosis report. To April’s way of thinking, the visit had been a colossal waste of time. And with only three weeks until graduation, she’d have rather been spending the time at school.

Her mother studied the menu. “Nothing looks good to me. How about you?”

“I don’t have much of an appetite. I think the treatments are affecting my taste buds. Everything tastes funny. Sort of dull.”

“You should have said something to the doctor.”

“It’s normal, Mother,” April said, although she didn’t really think anything about cancer radiation was normal.

“You’ll get through this, honey,” her mother said sympathetically. She lowered her menu. “Oh, by the way, the Stevenses are having a dinner party Saturday evening and they’ve invited all of us.”

The Stevenses were her parents’ oldest and best friends, and April usually enjoyed attending their parties. “I can’t. Mark’s racing this Saturday and I’m going to cheer for him.”

“You’re certainly spending a lot of time with him.”

April felt her radar go up. “And so what if I am?”

“You aren’t dating the boys you used to date anymore.”

“The boys I used to date are pretty juvenile, Mom.”

“They were fine before.”

“You mean before I got a brain tumor. They really can’t relate to me anymore. High-school guys were fine until I got sick. Now they seem immature.”

“But they’re teenagers, April. Mark is a young man. What does he see in a girl your age?”

“Oh, thanks, Mother,” April said sarcastically. “Maybe he actually likes me.”

“You know what I mean.” Her mother looked flustered, and bright spots of color appeared in her cheeks. “It merely seems odd that he’s interested in dating someone four years younger than he is.”

“Four years is nothing.”

“Maybe you should give the boys from school another chance. Maybe you simply haven’t found the right one.”

Irritated, April declared, “Maybe I have found the right one. I care about Mark. And I’m not going to stop seeing him.” Mark had come to mean a lot to her.

“Don’t put words in my mouth. I didn’t ask you to stop seeing him. I only questioned his motives.”

“His motives?”

“Well, I wasn’t born yesterday,” her mother said in exasperation. “I know that young men don’t always have pure and noble intentions.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust him? Or worse, that you don’t trust me?”

“Of course I trust you. I’ve always trusted you. But you’re … well … vulnerable now. You just said so.”

April slumped back into her chair. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. I can’t believe you’re prying into my life.”

“I’m not prying. I’m only making an observation.”

“It hurts my feelings that you think Mark’s an opportunist. He isn’t after anything. He cares about me, and I don’t think you should look for ulterior motives. It isn’t fair.”

April’s mother sighed. “I don’t want to fight with you, honey. I know what you’re going through isn’t easy. It isn’t easy for your father and me either. You’re our only child. A child we’d once given up hope of ever having. I think what’s happened to you is one of life’s cruelest tricks.”

“You feel tricked? How?”

“I’m no stranger to problems, April. I’m not naive enough to think that anybody goes through life without bumps and lumps. But after all we went through to conceive you, I thought the worst was over.” Her mother shook her head. “Your father and I wanted you so badly and when we got you, we believed that you were a gift from heaven.”

“Do you wish you never had me?”

“How can you even ask such a thing? You mean everything to us and we’re so proud of you. I hate seeing you suffer. I’d give anything if it were me instead of you.”

“But it is happening to me. I hate radiation. I hate knowing that something horrible is growing inside my head. It scares me.”

“I’m scared too,” her mother said quietly.

“And that’s where Mark comes in,” April added. “He makes me happy. He makes me feel less afraid. He makes me feel—” she started to say “loved” but stopped herself. Love was such a strong word. She wasn’t sure that was how she felt about him yet. “He just makes me feel good about myself,” she finished lamely.

“Then I won’t hassle you about him. Because I want to see you happy.”

Looking into her mother’s eyes, April reconnected with the strong bond that had always existed between them. It had always been just the three of them, tightly knit with one another—Hugh and Janice and April—sometimes not knowing where one left off and the other began. Certainly she’d felt smothered by them occasionally. And she’d gone through phases of feeling awkward and embarrassed around them with her friends. But she had never defied them, or resented them, or wished she’d had other parents.

But something was happening between her and Mark. Something she couldn’t explain but could only feel. Like a ship drifting away from a dock, her parents were diminishing in importance in her life. Her parents couldn’t go with her. It was a journey she had to make without them.

“Don’t these things look dorky?”

Kelli stood with April in April’s bedroom, staring into a full-length mirror. They were both dressed in their caps and gowns. Graduation was only a week away.

“Pretty dorky,” April agreed.

“So where are Armani and Chanel when you need them? Why haven’t they tackled this fashion-design problem? I mean, anybody can create a dress or a suit, but a fashionable cap and gown—now, that’s a challenge.”

April chuckled. “These do make us look like cows, don’t they?” She lifted the hem of her gown.

“And these hats! Why don’t we just wear waffles on our heads? Then at least we could eat them after the ceremony.”

April unzipped the navy blue gown and tossed it aside. “You know we have to go through with it. My father’s already got the camcorder battery charged and reservations for dinner in the city.”

“You aren’t coming to Blair’s party?” Kelli sounded disappointed.

“No.”

“But why? It’s going to be a blast.”

“I don’t mean to be a drag, Kelli, but I’m still not up to speed yet.” April had completed radiation and it had left her feeling drained and tired. Now she wanted to rest and reorganize her life. And be with Mark. But she hesitated to say that to Kelli. “I feel as if I’ve missed out on the last six weeks of my life. And trying to fit back in at a party isn’t going to help.”

“But everybody’s missed you. I thought that once you were finished with your radiation you’d be right back into the swing of things.”

“It’s not that easy, Kelli.” She did feel bad about isolating herself from her old friends, but it had been necessary. Unlike Mark, who’d desperately wanted to belong when he was growing up, April had belonged, but now wanted to be apart. She couldn’t explain it. She hardly understood it herself. “High school’s over. Nothing’s going to be the same again anyway, so why should I try and recapture the past?”

“What about the plans we made for this summer? Do you want to chuck them too?”

“What plans?”

Kelli looked hurt. “The beach plans. When you missed the ski trip, you said you’d like to take a beach trip with the gang.”

April thought about the beach, the warm sand and lapping waves. She did want to go. “I want to hit the beach.”

Kelli’s face broke into a grin. “I’ll plan everything. I’ll get the group together and we’ll pick a week and find a place down the coast. I hear the beaches in North Carolina are fabulous. Why don’t I check it out?”

“Go right ahead,” April said with a smile. Her parents wouldn’t object to her going. They knew her school friends and how much she enjoyed the ocean. And she figured that Mark wouldn’t mind either. After all, it was only for a week.

But with a start she realized that there was one more person who had to okay her plans. Her doctor would have to give his permission too. Radiation might be over, but she still wasn’t free to take charge of her future. It troubled her. The tiny blob at the base of her skull controlled her choices. And that was the most disturbing thing of all.