Chapter 16

Aurora

I shrieked and ducked out of the way as a massive bug zipped past the end of my nose, nearly smacking me hard in the cheek. I had no idea what it was, had no idea if it stung or bit, and had no interest in finding out.

"Good eye there!" hollered the massive man at the back of the vessel in a southern twang. He winked and steered us to the right, sending the airboat leaning up to one side. I clutched my stomach and groaned. Morning sickness and the everglades did not a happy Aurora make.

"You okay?" asked Brendon from beside me.

Julian had asked to sit on the other side of me so he could be closest to the water. He was determined to spot every alligator in the everglades, and it was only with our stalwart guides assurance that we wouldn't get close enough for one to snap at the little boy's hand that Brendon allowed him to sit so close.

"I'm fine," I said, smiling. "Just don't have my sea legs I guess."

He smiled knowingly and patted my back. "I swear I didn't know he was going to be so crazy," he muttered in my ear.

I laughed. "This is Florida, isn't it?"

"I found me a body out here one time," Miles, our host, croaked out. He pointed to a little secluded alcove. "Right there in them reeds. Coolest damn thing I ever saw."

"Are you sure that's appropriate?" I gestured to our small companion.

Miles gave a deep belly laugh. "You're right. Sorry, miss. Coolest darn thing I ever saw."

I felt too nauseous to argue with the man and Julian clearly wasn't paying attention. He was as close as he could get to hanging over the side, eyes wide with wonder. I just hoped the next wonder he witnessed wasn't me tossing my cookies into the swampy water.

Part of the reason I felt so nauseous was undoubtedly mental. I hadn't told Brendon about being pregnant and it was killing me. I knew I should tell him, and each day that passed made the secret harder and harder to keep. Even if he didn't notice me retching up my breakfast most mornings, he would soon play witness to the amazing transformation of my belly into a giant globe.

Then there was the almost ever-present nausea of early pregnancy. My early pregnancy, anyway. Some women didn't get morning sickness at all. Lucky bitches.

We took another corner and I squeezed my eyes shut. Brendon must've mistaken the gesture for fear as he grabbed my hand and held it tight in his lap, leaning over to murmur soothing things in my ear.

As he did, a tendril of fire worked its way down my spine. I always reacted like this when he was close to me. It was like I could feel the electrical impulses jumping off his skin, and even if I couldn't see him I could always tell when he was there. I often wondered if he felt the same.

"Look!" Julian yelled, pointing excitedly. "That one's huge!"

I cracked open an eye and followed his chubby finger, scowling when I saw the giant alligator swimming in a nearby cluster of reeds. Huge indeed.

"Alligators aren't counted among your interests I take it," Brendon whispered.

I laughed. "Not really."

"Sorry about this, then. I can't imagine it's very fun."

I squeezed his hand and turned my head until I dove into the depths of those honey-brown eyes. My heart skipped.

I gave him the honest truth. "I'm glad to be here. Alligators and all."

The past few days with Brendon and Julian were like a little slice of life I always wanted but never thought I'd get. Even with Nolan I think part of my brain always knew we would never have the vital ingredient that changed an ordinary relationship into something vibrant and unyielding, something that burned so hot it made the rest of the world feel cold. I had Brendon, and I had the delightful little monkey with the alligator obsession. And I had the baby in my belly.

The realization hit me hard and fast, crushing the air from my lungs. I coughed, and Brendon patted my back as I awkwardly tried to resume breathing at a normal pace.

This fantasy was perfect. The child, the pregnancy, the Brendon, but it was only perfect for one reason, because Brendon was a part of it. Any other combination wouldn't work for me. It couldn't just be any charming, handsome, doting man at my side. It had to be him.

Because I loved him.

"You okay?" Brendon's hand rubbed comforting circles on my back and I nodded.

"Just swallowed the wrong way." I offered up a baleful smile.

He grinned. "What am I going to do with you?"

God, I wish I knew.

I told Brendon I needed some me time when we got back to New York, but the truth was I wanted to be alone about as much as I wanted to do a naked cha-cha across the Brooklyn Bridge. The only thing I wanted to be less than alone was with Brendon, since the reason my head was spinning beyond control was due to my burgeoning belly and the revelation I had yesterday afternoon in that god forsaken boat.

I needed space. More importantly, I needed someone to talk to. I called up Amy as soon as I got back into my apartment, but I got her voicemail instead.

"You've reached Tatiana Ivanov. Lucky devil. I'm currently on a yacht in the middle of the Med and I can't get to the phone right now. Leave a message and when I drift back into the real world I'll do my best to return your call."

I groaned and left her a quick message, asking her to call me when she had service next. I hung up the phone feeling deflated, since I had nobody else in New York that I could talk to. Hell, I had nobody anywhere I could talk to. What was I supposed to do? Ring up my mom and tell her how I'd fallen in love with the man who accidentally impregnated me, who also happened to be my boss? She'd have a conniption.

The sounds of the city outside my window were the only comfort I found in my dreaded, empty apartment. I'd never felt so lonely as I did then. I desperately wanted to talk to Brendon, but I couldn't. Not now. Not when I just realized he was the only person in the world uniquely equipped to shatter me into a million pieces. All it would take is a look. If I told him I loved him, or that I was pregnant, or any combination of the two, and saw anger or frustration or sadness or whatever it was he would feel on his face, I'd be through. I needed to gather some strength before I faced him like that.

Strength... Where could I go in this city to find strength?

I grinned. Maybe there was one person I could talk to.

I knocked on the door, shifting nervously from foot to foot. Calypso flung it wide open a moment later, pulling me into her arms so quickly that it felt like being absorbed into a perfumed cloud of silk.

"I'm so happy to see you," she said, giving me a squeeze. "Things have been so drab around here without you, you know."

I doubted that very much but smiled anyway. Calypso had a way of making every person in her life feel loved and wanted, and that was a feeling I wasn't going to throw away too quickly.

"It's good to see you too." I patted her back and pulled out of the hug, even though she seemed like she could've stayed there for another few hours. "Thanks for letting me up on such short notice. I know you're probably busy."

Calypso waved me off with a laugh and pulled me inside, letting the door fall closed behind us. She set me on the couch and bustled over to the kitchen to grab us a couple drinks, and I winced as she placed the beer on the table in front of me.

"What?" she asked, expression wrinkled. "New York changed you so much you're not a beer girl anymore?"

I laughed. "As if. It's more that the, uh, pregnancy has made me not a beer girl anymore."

She clapped a hand over her mouth. "No!"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Who?" Her eyes widened, and when she moved the hand away I saw she was sporting a smile bigger than Texas. It melted the shards of ice that had begun crystallizing in my veins at what I'd perceived was dismay.

When I licked my lip and raised my eyebrows as I tried to think of how best to describe everything that had happened between Brendon and I since she and I last spoke, Calypso somehow caught exactly what I was going to say. She leapt over to my couch and immediately pulled me into her arms.

"Are you okay?" she asked, suddenly serious. "This happens from time to time with my girls and I still haven't figured out the right words to say yet, I'm afraid. But I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

"I'm fine, Calypso," I said, pushing her off me. "Really. The baby is a blessing. And Brendon, well, I'm not sure what to think about him just yet."

Calypso coaxed the whole story out of me, from my first re-meeting with Brendon in Lock Knocks to yesterday's cruise around the everglades. I told her all about my feelings for him, and how I worried he wouldn't return them.

She immediately dismissed my concerns. "It's all fine, my love." She waved a hand airily. "This is clearly a mechanization of fate. You couldn't have avoided this any more than you could have avoided winding up on my doorstep with those big green eyes full of hope. There's only one thing for it."

"What's that?"

She gazed at me intently. "You have to tell him, darling."

I gulped and looked away. "About the baby? Or about the...love thing?"

"Both," she said with a light chuckle.

She didn't seem to think it was as daunting a task as I did. She swept off the couch and strode over to the window. I took that as my cue to follow her.

"Life is so short, chérie. It's barely begun before it's even over, and during the few short years we get in between the cradle and the grave we must jam in every last bit of living we can. Whether you believe that fate orchestrated your situation or not, you at least believe in living while you're alive, no?"

I stared out at the city below, wishing I could feel the breeze on my face. Even though her apartment was incredibly airy, right now I couldn't have felt more stifled.

"I guess so. But what if—"

"No what ifs." Calypso tapped the end of my nose remonstratively. "No what ifs. No buts. Just life. I'm thrilled to hear things worked out with you and Brendon, and I believe they will continue to do so."

I offered up a weak smile and continued staring out at the sprawling urban playground of concrete spires and steel beams. I wanted to trust Calypso's judgement, but she lived up here in the clouds. I lived down there with the dirt and the grime. Could it be so easy as Brendon loving me back and wanting our child? Or would taking her advice mean the end to my life as I knew it even though I'd only just begun to build it?