CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Carly

My hands haven’t stopped shaking since I woke up this morning. When I come to the kitchen from my bedroom and try pouring a cup of coffee, Jack immediately notices.

“What’s up, shakey shakerson?”

“What do you mean?” I say, trying to brush it off, filling up my Hello, Beautiful travel mug that James gave me among the other gifts for Christmas.

He points to my coffee cup that’s trembling in my fingers.

He sets his cup of orange juice on the table and walks over to where I stand leaning up against the counter.

“Let’s go.”

“What? Where?”

“Mom. You need to go beat something up,” he says, grinning that grown-up kid grin of his that makes me smile every time.

“Alright,” I agree, loving also that my boy knows me so well.

I grab a protein bar to eat while I get ready, change into a pair of printed capri-length leggings, a tank top, and my sports bra. I grab my sneakers and socks, throw them into my gym bag along with my fingerless boxing gloves. After filling our water bottles, we head out the door. I am a little worried that I will run into Vince at the gym. No one has seen anything out of him, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still lurking. I also hope James isn’t there working out. Not that I don’t want to see him. But part of why Jack is taking me to go punch things is because he knows I need to relax and calm down, my nerves getting the best of me for our date tonight.

Once again, I don’t know what to expect. Is it just dinner? Do I need to shave? Should I have waxed? Is he planning on something for after dinner? Should I pack a bag for overnight and have Jack make other plans? I don’t know if we are there yet in our relationship, and I certainly am not sure if Jack would be okay with his mom having a sleepover, or me telling him I am having one.

The questions going through my head are definitely plentiful.

“I’m driving,” Jack informs me, not that I had any question. Ever since he got his license, he never lets me drive.

“Of course you are,” I mumble playfully.

We arrive at the gym and walk in side by side. I can’t help but look around for any familiar vehicles as we walk.

Jack pulls me to his side by hooking me around the neck. He kisses the top of my head

I blow out a deep breath when we step into the gym, feeling the calm wash over me. We spend the next two hours boxing before I fade completely. My muscles feel like Jell-O. After too many jabs, hooks, and uppercuts, my body is spent. Tate and I spar for a little while, and because I do it not to become a boxer, he helps me with my kicks too. My entire body, head to toe, is covered with sweat, my chest heaving from the exertion, but I’m grateful. Grateful for a son who recognizes what I need to help calm me down, get rid of my nerves. Grateful for that same son to have realized that learning to box would free me. Free me of my insecurities. Free me of my constant fears of not being able to defend myself or him.

“Thank you, bud,” I tell him as we walk out of the gym doors toward his pickup.

“You’re welcome,” he says. “Feel better?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“I’m glad. Although… it has to be said. I have no idea why you were so nervous this morning. It’s James.”

“I know.” I nod my head.

“Okay, then, why? You’ve been out with him plenty of times. You’ve been together for months now. He’s a good guy, Mom. The best, if I’m being honest.”

“You think so?”

“Don’t you?”

I blush. Blush! In front of my son. He busts out laughing.

“I take that as a yes?”

I nod my head, rolling my lips together. “I do. I mean, I feel safe with him.”

“He makes you happy,” he says, and it’s not question. He’s telling me, even though I already know it.

“He does. But you know, you come fir—”

He interrupts me by stopping me in my tracks, turning me so I’m facing him next to the tailgate of his pickup. “Don’t. Don’t do that,” he says, his voice firm and unyielding.

“What?”

“You’ve put others first your entire life. If it wasn’t your crazy drunk of a mother, or my sperm donor, it’s been me. When do you come first?”

“Sorry to tell you, baby, but you’ll always come first. Just like Lily will always come first for James. That’s what being a parent is. I would lay my life down for you.”

“And you have,” he tells me, his eyes going dark. Knowing my son, he’s remembering the last night we spent under the same roof as Vince.

I swallow, fighting back the tears that threaten, my own memories struggling to the surface.

“Mom, give yourself a chance. You deserve it. More than anyone I know, you deserve to put yourself first for once.”

And I finally believe it. I’ll never stop making sure that Jack has everything he needs. I’ll never be able to stop focusing on him. But James has given me the courage to step back and take something that I want. And I want him.

I stand in my bedroom. It looks like a tornado has gone through my closet. Trying to decide how to dress for tonight is worse than when I was getting ready for Emily’s wedding, and I stressed way too much over that.

James tells me I’m beautiful every chance he gets. Hell, he even changed my ring tone on my phone to Jason Mraz’s “Hello, You Beautiful Thing,” which he seemed pretty proud of. I know I could show up in a gunnysack, and he wouldn’t care.

But tonight is different. I want him to see that he has all of me. And even if I don’t know if I’m going to give him all of me tonight, I still take extra time in the shower. I use every tool I have to my advantage. I loofah, shave, pluck, and scrub. I apply light makeup and put just a few loose curls in my hair. I decide on something comfortable to wear. I realize Jack is sixteen and isn’t oblivious, but I also want to be a good example. Tonight isn’t about a booty call.

Even knowing that, I still throw an extra pair of panties, my toothbrush, and a long-sleeve tunic into my oversized handbag. At least I’ll be prepared if I need them.

I double-check my appearance in the mirror and shake out my still quivering hands. James is the first man since Vince. My first everything since Vince. He picked up my pieces and put me back together again. Just the simple thought of him makes my heart beat faster, my head to spin, but most of all, he makes my soul feel alive again.

Tonight, I will let him know exactly how broken I was before he pieced me back together. And after I’ve given him that one last piece, maybe, just maybe, I’ll finally feel whole again.