CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Carly

I’m gonna puke. I didn’t puke this morning after waking up with my first — and very last — hangover. But now? Now I’m gonna puke. No doubt about it.

My hands are shaking and sweaty. My heart feels like it could explode from my chest, and not from the way I normally feel like that from James. My legs feel like they could wobble right out from underneath me.

It’s been literally decades since I went on a first date. How do I dress? James didn’t tell me what we’re doing tonight so I have no idea. Do I wear a dress? Jeans? Are yoga pants appropriate? Probably not.

I’m pacing in my very small walk-in closet, back and forth, chewing on my thumbnail.

“Mom, I just got off the phone with James!” I hear Jack call to me from my bedroom. “Mom? Where are you?”

“In here,” I say in a small voice.

His body fills the doorway to my closet, and the second he glances at me, his eyes worry, and his shoulders drop. “Mom,” he says in a comforting voice.

“I can’t do this,” I say as I fall to my knees onto the floor.

“Can’t do what?”

“Date!” I shout in a voice much louder than necessary.

“Mom.” He deadpans. “It’s James.”

“That’s the point!”

“I hate to break it to you, but you’ve basically been dating him since the night we ate pizza.”

“Have not,” I defend.

“Ri-i-i-ight. Mom, who did you sit by at all the playoff football games?”

Silence.

Blink.

He crouches down beside me so he’s eye-level. “Who do you text and talk on the phone with every day?”

Silence.

Blink.

“Who came over, on his own, and helped decorate our house for Christmas? Talks to me when I need someone? Stops over to introduce us to his daughter and gives us some killer Christmas presents? Brings you home and makes sure you’re safe when you had twelve too many margaritas?”

“Hey!”

“You may be trying to deny it, and maybe you haven’t been dating in the way you are going to tonight, but you know what I mean. Now. As much as I love your flannel pajamas, how about you change into something slightly less loungewear?” he asks with no room for argument.

“It’s just…”

“It’s just nothing. Relax. I called James a few minutes ago to ask him a question, and he told me to tell you to wear jeans tonight. That means whatever he has planned, it’s casual.”

I blow out a breath and smile what I’m sure is the most awkward smile ever. “Okay.”

“Just okay? Do I need to give you a speech? Pump you up? Motivate you?”

“As much as I appreciate it, I’m not getting ready to take to the football field. I think I’m good now.”

“Good.”

“Thank you, Jack. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I tell him while standing up.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. I’m not the one who got us away from Vince and brought us to Liberty, built a new life, created a new home — a forever home. I’m not the one who found a new job and did all this.” He throws out an arm toward the house. “That wasn’t me, Mom. That was you. Don’t sell yourself short. You are stronger and more incredible than anyone I know.”

By the time he’s done talking, I have tears streaming down my face. He tilts his head back and looks at the ceiling, heaves a deep sigh, and pulls me in for a hug. “You’re such a softie,” he murmurs.

“Well, when you say a bunch of stuff like that, I am!”

“It needed to be said.” He shrugs one shoulder.

“I love you, kiddo.”

“Love you, too. Now, get ready for your date. James will be here in an hour.”

“Oh crap!” I say, pushing him out of the way while I run toward the bathroom to start getting ready.

I turn on the water and strip out of my pajamas. I step into the shower, the steam billowing out when I open the door, washing over me and warming my body before I move under the spray. After scrubbing myself clean, I get out and brush through my blond hair.

I decide to keep everything simple tonight, especially after Jack told me I was to dress casually. I dry and put a few loose curls in my hair then braid my bangs and pin them toward the crown of my head. After applying light makeup, I go back to my walk-in closet where I was recently having a nervous breakdown, and pick out a pair of dark skinny jeans, a white camisole, and a chunky tan sweater cardigan. I put on my camel-colored ankle boots, add gold jewelry, and commence freaking out.

I was fine. Five minutes ago. When I was busy. But I could have won the Olympics in speed getting ready, if that was a thing, because I still have twenty-five minutes left before James is set to be here. And I have no idea what we’re doing tonight.

Is he going to keep it simple and do dinner and a movie? Or will he try and surprise me? Are we horseback riding? Ziplining? I mean, it’s wintertime, so I assume not, but this is where my imagination is going. Do I need to take an anti-nausea pill because he’s about to take me on a boat ride, and I don’t want to risk getting seasick? Again, it’s winter, so I highly doubt it. But who knows! James is an adventurous guy. I wouldn’t put it past him to take me snow-tubing on our first date. I start pacing in the living room in front of the couch, not nervous for where he’s taking me, but because my mind… Will. Not. Stop.

He didn’t tell me to bring snow gear. But what if I need it? What if we’re sledding? Or snowmobiling?

Oh shit.

“I need snow gear,” I mumble out loud and begin walking over toward the front closet then stop myself. “No. That’s ridiculous.”

I start pacing again, wringing my hands together. I look over at the white lights twinkling on the Christmas tree that I still haven’t taken down. The Christmas tree that James helped me put up. And decorate. I glance over at the front window where I can see the lights wrapped around the porch. The lights that James spent an afternoon putting up for me. Without me having to ask.

“Wine.”

“No wine. No alcohol. You had enough alcohol last night, dumbass.”

“Great. Now I’m really losing it because I’m having an argument with myself. Out loud!”

Just as I’m about to start making a cup of tea to try to calm my nerves, the doorbell rings. It’s only 4:45, but I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s early.

“Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap,” I mutter.

“Got it!” Jack hollers as he breezes by me without giving me a second glance, or mentioning my mild panic attack.

“What? No. Jack, I can get the door,” I tell him.

“Nah. I got it. We have to do this the proper way,” he says, puffing out his chest.

“You’re so weird.”

He turns his head and grins at me as he opens the door to Captain James Cole. Because really, there’s no other way to describe him at this point. He’s gorgeous. Wait, can a man be gorgeous? Handsome just doesn’t really do him justice.

“What do you want?” Jack asks, voice strong and mature.

“Hello, sir. I’m here to take your mother out on a date tonight, with your permission, of course.”

“Well, I don’t know. Just what are your intentions with her?”

“I plan to keep her safe, cherish her, remind her how beautiful she is every single day, protect her.”

Oh holy shit.

“That’ll do, boy. That’ll do,” Jack says, repeating what I overheard James say to him when they were talking in his room. Which had made me fall even deeper for him.

“Mom!” Jack shouts unnecessarily, since I’m standing ten feet behind him. “Your date is here!”

I playfully shove him to the side. “Yes, I see that. Thank you, dork.”

He grins cheekily at me.

“Hi,” I say when I turn toward James, who has the biggest smile on his face I think I’ve ever seen on him. A dark gray sweater peeks out from under his black leather jacket, a pair of perfectly faded jeans hug his thighs as if they were made for him, and black boots cover his feet. He looks perfect. Every inch of his body seems to fill out his clothes. Well. I feel parts of my own body come alive that haven’t been… let’s just say… active in a long time. A really. Really. Long time.

“Hey, beautiful,” he says, bringing my eyes, which were not staring into his, but much lower, back up to his. He winks at me, those crystal blue eyes shining brightly. It’s clear he knows exactly where my thoughts are headed. And by the heat in his gaze, I dare say his are currently going the same place.

“Wanna come in?” I ask him, stepping to the side. He nods as he puts one booted foot in front of the other.

He takes two steps, leans in close, slides his hand around my waist, and brushes his lips lightly against my cheek. “You look incredible,” he whispers before kissing me at the spot right in front of my ear.

The combination of his warm breath on my skin, the feel of his lips against me, and his mountain-fresh scent has every nerve-ending firing. My body shivers from head to toe and heats up all at once.

I shudder and close my eyes while biting my lower lip. He pulls back, still close, and kisses me on the tip of my nose before sliding his hand down to mine then squeezing lightly. My eyes slowly open. His gaze feels like a caress, washing over me and giving me a sense of calm that I’m quickly learning is just the calm of James Cole.

He smiles brightly then reveals a box wrapped in shiny black paper with a red ribbon around it. I look up at him questioningly, but he just smiles brighter. I reach for the box, but he puts his hand up to stop me.

“Ah, ah, ah. Greedy. Who said it’s for you?” he asks.

I put my hands on my hips and narrow my eyes at him.

“Jack!”

My eyes widen and suddenly fill with tears. Did he get my son a gift? On our first date?

“Don’t worry. I got you something too.”

I flush in embarrassment over assuming the gift was for me, while the butterflies take flight in my stomach once again. If you can judge a man’s character by his actions, James Cole might be the best man on this planet.

“Yeah?” Jack asks, coming into the living room from the kitchen carrying a bottle of Gatorade and, oddly enough, a spatula.

“I got something for you,” James tells him, extending the gift in his direction.

Jack’s eyes flit over to me, his eyebrows bunched in confusion.

I shrug my shoulders, letting him know I had nothing to do with it as he slowly reaches out a hand toward the box, setting down the Gatorade and spatula on the table at the same time. It’s been a long time since he’s received a gift from anyone other than me. Yes, he and Lily gave us presents for Christmas, but that was for a purpose. This feels different. Bigger somehow. I know James doesn’t realize this, but part of me wonders if he knows. He’s so in-tune with our world, not even seemingly having to try, that it wouldn’t surprise me if he did.

“For real?”

“Yup.”

“What is it?”

“That’s the cool thing about gifts. They come in this handy little wrapping that keeps them a surprise until the receiver tears in,” James says.

“But it was already Christmas, and you got me those awesome Beats earbuds.”

“No. Lily and I got you the earbuds. This one is just from me.”

“Sorry, I don’t understand. You got me something? Again?” he asks.

The surprise mingling with tremble in his voice breaks my heart. The fact that for the last three years Jack has only had me in his life, with the exception of a few close friends, Donna and Tate and his family, makes me want to walk over and hug my baby boy tightly. Through the last three years, he’s been my rock, never once showing me how it affected him to leave the only father he ever knew and never look back. But I knew. Always. I knew that it was hurting him. I knew that he would never let it show, because that’s what big strong Jack does. I also knew that one day it would bubble up to the surface.

What I didn’t know is that it would take a man much stronger, with more integrity and honor, to break down not only my walls, but Jack’s as well. The realization of how ingrained James is into our lives already, how much he has opened us up, shown us a reality far better than what either of us thought possible, is enough to bring me to my knees. I pull Jack toward me and bring James in as well.

I stand between the boy who is becoming a man in front of my eyes and the man who is changing everything and let the silent tears fall. James wraps his arms around us both, giving us what we need in the moment. A silent reassurance. I bury my head against James’s chest when I feel one of his arms release its hold on me. I peer up at him and see that he’s not looking down at me, but straight into my son’s eyes. His hand is on the side of Jack’s face, Jack’s hand wrapped around James’s wrist. The image before me that of what a father and son would give to one another, allowing that final piece of the wall that was built with such determination to fall and crash to my feet.

The feeling is so intense I look toward the floor to make sure something didn’t literally fall off me. I step away, allowing them to have a moment, while I wipe the tears with my forefingers.

“Open it,” James says, reaching down to the floor to pick up the package I didn’t even know he had set down.

“Okay,” Jack says, chuckling. Funny how a sixteen-year-old boy wipes away the threatening emotions with laughter.

I watch as he tears into the package with the exuberance of a young boy, a smile lighting up his face. As soon as he lifts the top of the box, his eyes go to James, wide and full of excitement.

“No. Way,” he says happily.

James shrugs as if it’s not a big deal. “You’re gonna be a chef.”

“Yeah, I am,” Jack says, voice full of awe and wonder.

“Well, don’t keep your mama out of the loop. What is it?”

He holds up a stainless-steel chef’s knife, the handle shiny and black, along with a large wooden cutting board. The name Jack is burned into the bottom right corner. It’s not lost on me that he spelled his name out, rather than using his initials, but I put that thought in the back of my mind and focus on the here and now. This man walked into our lives less than six weeks ago and has transformed each of us in different ways. For me, he’s opened my heart and mind. And Jack? He gave Jack the confidence to be himself. To embrace who he is. To see what a man is.

It’s in this moment that I realize that I’m not falling. I’ve already fallen.

“James. This is just…” Jack says, shaking his head. “Thank you. You don’t know what this…” He trails off again, his words being held captive by the overwhelming emotions and feeling of a man giving him what he needs.

“You’re welcome, Jack. Full disclosure? This gift is pretty selfish.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I fully intend for you to use it with me. I want to help you learn, be by your side.”

“You do?”

“I do. I’m proud of you, son—” He clears his throat. “—kid. I mean that. Knowing what you want to do with your life, not giving a damn what your friends or anyone else says. That says a hell of a lot about you. You’re not conforming or letting what others think of you let it change who you are.”

I walk over and slide my arms around James’s waist. He wraps a strong arm around me and kisses the top of my head. Jack reaches out to shake his hand, but James pulls him in for another three-person hug. My new favorite kind of hug ever.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

He leans down and kisses my forehead and murmurs, “You’re welcome.”

“Jack. No using that until James shows you how to use it,” I tell him.

“Mom. I’ve used a knife before,” he protests, no doubt his fingers itching to start chopping.

“Your mom’s right. This knife is crazy sharp. I’ll come over tomorrow night, and we can cook supper together. After that, you and your mom can come up with the rules of using it, alright, bud?”

“Yeah, got it,” he says, nodding his head. “Thanks again. This is awesome. Really.”

“No problem. Now, I’m gonna take your mom out on that date, if it’s still okay with you,” he says, teasing.

“Yeah, go for it,” he tells him. But his eyes are trained on his new gift.

I lean over and kiss Jack on the cheek. “Bye, kiddo. Homework needs to be done before I get home. Sound good?”

“On it,” he confirms. “Have fun!”

“We will.” James grabs my hand and drags me toward the door. “Coat?”

“Closet,” I say, pointing.

He reaches in and picks up my jacket then helps me into it. We make our way out the door to his car. When we reach it, he stops and turns me so my back is pressed against the passenger door, takes my face in his large warm hands, and crashes his lips to mine.

It’s been less than eight hours since my lips touched his, yet it feels like an eternity. Apparently, it feels the same to him. As we stand next to his vehicle making out like a couple teenagers, the overwhelming sense to climb him like a monkey threatens to take over. Luckily, I just wrap my arms around him, bringing him in close to me. The cool temperatures of the outside do nothing to steal the heat that’s building between us.

Slowly James lifts his head from mine, his hands tangled in my hair and our breaths short. James has opened my heart up to so much more than I could have imagined. Most of all is the potential to love again. Love is the only thing that will allow my heart to heal, to feel light in the world of heavy.

Funny thing about it. Love isn’t going to go quietly into the night. Love is going to kick and scream and fight and demand it is given over to. Love is the most powerful of emotions. More powerful than anger, if allowed. Because love is the only thing that can help someone overcome. Love is hope and giving grace, and receiving it is the most precious gift anyone can give. And it is time for me to give. I have received it from James, and I am tired. I am so damn tired of letting the anger be the stronger emotion. Letting fear lead me. It is time. James deserves my love as much as I deserve his. It just took me a while to realize that.

“Carly.” His voice croaks, looking back and forth between my eyes.

“Yeah.” I agree to his unspoken words.

He searches my face, his normal bright blue eyes now deep navy blue. “Yeah.” He breathes out then reaches around me to open my door. Once I’m inside, he shuts the door, walks around the front, and climbs into his side.

“Seatbelt?” he asks, and I reach around and buckle up. “Ready?”

I take a deep inhale and fight the smile that I can’t seem to wipe off my face. He reaches over and pulls my bottom lip from between my teeth again, then presses his lips briefly to mine. “Me too, beautiful. Me too.”