The walk to the canteen was pure torture. The hot shower from before had barely eased my sore muscles. My legs were still trembling from the workout, and it was all I could do to keep my stance upright.
“You walk like you rode a horse all day,” came a laughing voice from behind me, and Sarah joined me where I was standing in line with the other Freshmen waiting for their order.
“That’s exactly how I feel,” I muttered, rubbing a particularly sore muscle on my outer thigh.
“What happened?”
“Training with Dylan, that’s what happened.”
“Ah, right. Well, I could have told you beforehand. Dylan is ruthless when it comes to training.”
“I’ve learned that the hard way,” I said and ordered ravioli with tomato sauce. Sarah took the same, and we went in search of a free table. I did my best to walk straight, but a sidelong glance at Dylan sitting at a table with Phil and Josh told me I wasn’t fooling anyone. When I passed him, he gave me a smug look and a mocking grin, which I returned with a sour look of my own.
“Hey, Sarah. I need to ask you something,” I started when we sat down at a table.
“Shoot.”
I didn’t know how subtly I should approach the subject, as it seemed to be a sensitive one around here, so I leaned in and lowered my voice. “What exactly is the Awakening?”
Sarah sighed but gave me a tiny smile. “I already told the others you would want to know.”
“Of course, I want to know. Everyone is making a big deal of it. Is it so bad that Jimmy thinks it’s better to leave me in the dark?”
“No, of course not. See…” she started and began eating. “The Awakening is something every Roe goes through around the age of twenty-five. It’s like going through puberty, only faster. It activates your cells to give you more control over your ability. We’re all able to use our ability earlier, but not fully.”
“Okay… and?” I prompted.
“The Awakening process is divided into three phases. Depending on your ability, the phases are more or less intense. The ones with passive abilities have it easier going through the process. Most of them don’t even feel the different phases, but for the ones with active and powerful abilities, the process can be quite… fierce.”
“What do you mean?” I urged her on when she didn’t elaborate.
“In the first phase, the one we call the Inferno, you feel heat. The body temperature rises as a defense against the invading changes. The cells start to adapt, which can be excruciating. Some say it feels like bursting into flames. The second phase, the Glaciation, is the opposite, where you feel a numbing coldness. The nerves are stabilizing and therefore suck a lot of your body’s energy. I heard it can be agonizing. Some even get anaerobic contractions. And the third phase is still a big mystery to us.”
“Why?” I wanted to know, trying not to dwell on the pain that awaited me in phase one and two.
Sarah didn’t answer immediately, and she swallowed her bite of ravioli first.
“In the Revival, the ability gets activated. It starts to move from your center to every nerve ending in your body and sets every molecule in motion, activating erogenous zones in the process.”
She stopped there, waiting for me to catch up. I set down my fork when I realized what Sarah wanted to tell me, my throat going dry. “Are you talking about sexual arousal?”
“Yes. As I said, the intensity of the process is different depending on your ability. Some of us only feel a warm tingle or a tremble, but others get trapped in different sensations. Haylie,” she addressed me with urgency, wiping her mouth with a napkin, “being a Roe doesn’t just mean being stronger or having better developed senses, it also means being more sensitive to everything, especially sexually. Evolution wants us to reproduce—that one thing hasn’t changed since mankind exists—meaning our need for sex and our sensations during the act are stronger, more intense. This comes forth immediately after the Awakening.”
My mouth snapped open as I stared at her, dumbfounded. What the hell did that mean? “What will happen to me, then? Will I be horny all day and in desperate need to get laid?”
Sarah laughed while gathering some tomato sauce onto her spoon. “Maybe, I can’t tell you.”
No way. My sex life was poor, given the few potential males I was with during the last few years. It was frustrating, yes, but I didn’t have any intention to change my lifestyle just for fun.
“How has it been for you? The Awakening, I mean?”
Sarah huffed and gave me a scrutinizing look, as if debating how much to reveal. “We’re usually discreet about that.”
“I understand that, but I didn’t have any parents to tell me about it, or someone else for that matter. As far as I know, I’m one of the oldest Roes here in training and therefore closer to the Awakening than the rest. I need to know so I am prepared.”
Sarah slowly nodded. “You’re right. Okay, I’ll tell you, but this stays between us, okay?”
“Of course.”
“I guess my Awakening was neither strong nor weak. Regenerators’ abilities are active and passive at the same time. My phases lasted for about eleven minutes each. The Inferno was bearable, although I had a high fever. The Glaciation was just a slight shiver. But the Revival was arousing. I had to… you know… relieve tension later,” she conceded, her voice dropping to a whisper to avoid being overheard by nearby Catchers. A fire red blush rushed up to her cheeks.
My eyebrows shot up, and I cleared my throat to break the tension. Would I need to masturbate after my Awakening? That was crazy! No wonder no one was freely talking about it. Now, it also made sense why everyone got lost in snickers and catcalls that day Scott mentioned it in class.
“Why hide it from me? It makes no sense.”
“Because we don’t have experience with the Awakening process for Naturals.”
“What about Jenna?”
Sarah shook her head, silently telling me Jenna hadn’t gone through the Awakening before she died. I tried not to panic.
“Does Jimmy think the Awakening will be different for me?” My voice faltered. What would happen to me when it was time for my Awakening?
“Yes. Jimmy found old records, and they all said the process was the same, only more intense,” Sarah answered, guilt framing her voice. I nodded slowly. So, I’d have to endure a lot of pain and… arousal. Awesome.
“When will it start?” I asked in a deflated tone.
“Usually, sometime during the last six months before your twenty-fifth birthday. Mine was late. It was four days before I turned twenty-five.”
I sighed in relief. I still had one and a half years left.
“There is something else,” Sarah added, and my heart skipped a beat at her cautious tone.
“What?”
“Sex will make you stronger after the Awakening. The strongest amongst us are usually the ones who keep very busy.”
I choked on the ravioli that was suddenly stuck in my throat. One face immediately popped up in my head. A very handsome, masculine face adorned by a sexy scar.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Sarah exclaimed with a grin. “I’m sure that’s one reason why he’s the strongest. He has a lot of connections out there.”
“Don’t go there, I don’t want to hear the details,” I pleaded before I lost my appetite.
I couldn’t help myself but to peek into Dylan’s direction and was surprised to find him eyeing me with an unreadable expression. Josh was talking, getting a loud laugh from Phil beside him, but Dylan wasn’t paying attention, as his eyes stayed riveted on me.
I blushed when I thought about my current conversation with Sarah and hoped Josh wasn’t tuned into us at that moment. A good thing Dylan didn’t have Catcher abilities. Was he thinking about our kiss? No, don’t go there.
I switched my attention back to Sarah. “Okay, so what then? Do I need to have lots of sex to get stronger?” I joked.
“Not necessarily. Sex isn’t the only thing giving you strength. Nutrition and training are still the main catalysts, but sex, or any physical contact for that matter, will make it easier.”
“What kind of physical contact?”
“Everything, really. Touching, cuddling, kissing… We call it the Connection. The stronger the attraction between two people, the stronger the Connection. Humans are social beings who need to be physically close to others. As Roes are more developed, their need for physical contact is stronger. You’ll understand when the Awakening is over.”
I snorted. “That sounds horrible.”
Sarah cocked an eyebrow. “Why? I’m sure you’ll find enough willing men around here. I’ve seen a few who are regularly throwing you meaningful looks.”
I was close to asking whom she meant when Chris passed us with his usual, sexy-lazy walk, giving me a flirtatious wink. I couldn’t help but smile, only to find Dylan suddenly scowling at Chris’ back who was oblivious to the poisonous look from his best friend. I turned back to Sarah who gave me an I-told-you-so look.
I shook my head to clear my mind. “I won’t get involved with any of them just for the sake of this Connection you’re talking about.”
The food in front of me had lost its appeal, and I absently shoved the ravioli around with my fork. I couldn’t deny I was desperate for some physical contact, as Sarah had put it. My entire life was caught up in a downward spiral since the night Shawna left me, not leaving much space for anything else. And the few nights of distraction hadn’t filled the hole in my heart.
“I didn’t say you had to. You can still decide how to live your life, you know?”
“What about you?” I asked, pushing the plate away from me.
“I have connections out there, too.”
“No one from the compound?”
Sarah laughed wholeheartedly, popping another ravioli into her mouth. “Who would you suggest? Dylan? Chris? They’re like brothers to me. I’m not that desperate. Besides, as sexy as they are, I can do without Fighters and their temperaments. It’s different when you work down here. I might have had something going on with Josh, once, but it didn’t work out. I like to have variety, you know?” She let the sentence hang in the air, doing the opposite of lifting my spirits with her words.
“There’s one more thing. It gets some getting used to the overload of sensations, which is why you shouldn’t take your ‘first time’ lightly. I mean, the first time you have sex after the Awakening,” she explained after I shot her another look of confusion. “Roes see it like taking someone’s virginity.”
I huffed in exasperation. When had things become so complicated?
“Hey, Sarah. Do you have a minute for me?” We both looked up to see Josh standing next to our table.
“Sure, what’s up?”
I used the distraction to clear out. “I think I will call it a night, or I’m going to fall asleep at the table.”
“No problem, see you tomorrow.”
I walked out of the canteen, my mind whirling as I tried to get my thoughts in order.
“Hey, gorgeous! Why in such a hurry?” came a familiar, sweet voice from behind me, and I spun around to see Chris approaching me, his usual sexy grin plastered on his face.
“I’m just tired and…” I let the answer hang in the air when what I’d wanted to say was and need to think about what the fuck will happen to me when the Awakening starts.
“And what?” he pressed when he stopped beside me.
I shook my head. “Nothing. I’m just exhausted. Today was rough.”
Chris eyed me for a moment longer before we resumed strolling down the aisle. I couldn’t resist peeking at Chris several times. How did he do it? Did he go out like Dylan and Sarah, having fun with random girls to keep up his strength? He could have any girl out there with just one crooked smile.
“I know I’m handsome, and I’m used to girls drooling all over me, but why are you staring at me like that?” he asked with a cocky grin, one of his dimples showing.
“Um, sorry,” I muttered, embarrassed. “It’s nothing.”
Chris eyed me skeptically. “You’re a terrible liar.”
I laughed. “I might have heard that one before.”
“What is it? You look troubled.” Chris’ voice became softer, and his playful attitude dwindled.
“I just…” I started but was at a loss at how to continue. I bit my lip nervously, and Chris caught the movement with his eyes. “No, forget it. It’s not important.”
“Hey, just say it, Haylie.” He grabbed my wrist, so I was forced to stop and look at him.
I fidgeted from one foot to another. “Sarah told me about the Awakening,” I confessed, my eyes finding my feet. A dirty spot on my right shoe seemed quite fascinating all of a sudden.
Chris gave a soft laugh. “That’s why you’re upset?” His question surprised me. Wasn’t it obvious? “Are you afraid of the pain?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m afraid of what might follow.”
Chris cocked one eyebrow before a playful smile formed on his face. “Why being afraid? The Revival is the only part of the Awakening that’s real fun. You’ll never forget the experience, I promise you.”
I was close to asking how his experience had been but swallowed the question, afraid it was too personal for the short time we knew each other. I probably didn’t want to know, anyway.
“Yeah, great…”
“Haylie, there’s nothing to worry about.”
“How can you say that? Sarah told me the Awakening would be more intense for me. Do you know how awkward that is?” My voice raised one octave at the end, and I forced myself to cool down. A few students were already staring, and I could do without them overhearing our conversation.
“Why? It’s not like someone will watch you. I mean, I wouldn’t say no if you wanted me to keep you company.”
I punched him playfully on the arm, and Chris chuckled. “That’s not funny,” I exclaimed, but couldn’t help laughing with him.
Chris dipped his head to be eye to eye with me, resting his hands on my shoulders. “You can’t outrun it, Haylie. It will happen, no matter if you want it or not,” he explained in an even softer voice. “You’re strong. I know you, Haylie. You’ll get through this.”
I smacked my lips. “And what then? How will I feel afterward? I don’t want to be forced to jump into bed with anyone out there just to—”
“Hey, you won’t be forced to do anything you don’t want. Do you understand?” Chris’ voice was firm, and he squeezed my shoulders for emphasis.
“How do you… I mean… Are you…”
Chris thankfully saved my poor attempt to put my question into words with a sexy smile. “I’m not ‘jumping into bed with anyone,’ if that’s what you mean,” he answered playfully, clearly amused by the uncomfortable situation I was stuck in.
“Then how do you do it?”
Chris took one step closer, so our bodies were nearly touching. “I’m satisfied with stealing kisses here and there,” he purred in a seductive voice, and his eyes fell to my lips, which parted in surprise.
My heart started to hammer in my chest as he leaned in. Before I could comprehend what was happening, his lips brushed mine. I was too shocked to close my eyes or move my lips. What was I doing here?
Chris opened his eyes to seek permission. When he didn’t find any rejection, he pressed his lips on mine again, this time more firmly. He started moving them and cupped my face with one hand, his thumb stroking my cheekbone. Soon, something between a content sigh and a moan escaped me.
I forgot how much I’d missed this, how much I’d longed for intimacy. I kissed him back, his sweet scent invading me, his lips playful against mine. He took one step between my legs, and my back came up against a wall. This time, he was the one to softly moan. He took both hands to cup my face and parted my lips.
As soon as his tongue came into contact with mine, my senses shot into overdrive. Did I imagine it, or did this kiss feel stronger, more intense than the ones I’d previously had? Sarah had called it the Connection but had also told me I wouldn’t be able to feel it before the Awakening.
Too soon, Chris pulled back, and I pried my eyes open. His breathing was harsh and his eyes glazed over. “Jesus, that was…” He gulped visibly. “I feel like I’m charged enough for at least a week,” he mumbled huskily.
I wanted to ask him what he meant, but the question got stuck in my throat when my eyes drifted over his shoulder to collide with… Dylan’s. He stood there, unmoving, a callous expression on his face. My heart stuttered, although I didn’t know why. Chris was standing with his back to him and stiffened at sensing my tension.
“Dylan is behind me, right?”
I just nodded. Was Chris in trouble now? No, why would he be? My churning mind slowly gave me a headache, and I pushed away from the wall to make my escape.
“I should go,” I muttered and walked away without sparing a glance at any of them.
~~~
I woke more tired than when I’d gone to bed the night before, something I was getting used to by now. Horrible dreams were still haunting my mind.
I’d dreamed of being caught in the Awakening and becoming aroused in the middle of the main hall. Everyone was there watching me while I was fighting the high that was sure to follow. All of them laughed except for Dylan and Chris—they just looked at me with disgust.
I slid out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. My mind drifted back to Chris and the feel of his silky lips against mine. It had been the perfect distraction. Was it already starting? What they called the Connection? My need for being touched, kissed, loved? No, it was too soon…
My thoughts continued to wreak havoc in my head when I entered Lisa’s office. She was waiting for me in her usual spot, seated on the cushions on the floor.
“Good morning, my dear. Have a seat,” Lisa greeted me with her lovely voice. I did as I was asked. “You’re anxious,” she stated with a frown. Of course, I couldn’t hide my vibes from the powerful Watcher.
“I am. I’m sorry.”
“What’s frightening you so much?”
“I learned about the Awakening yesterday, and I’m afraid of what will happen to me,” I confessed. Lisa was easy to talk to, and I felt like I could tell her everything and would get a neutral, truthful answer in return.
Lisa nodded in understanding. “You should not fear it. The more afraid you are, the more you try to fight it, the harder it will be. Just let it come.” I nearly choked at the double meaning but bit back a comment on my part.
“How will I know it started, anyway?”
“Usually, it starts with dizziness and breathing difficulties, sometimes a headache. As soon as that comes through, you should stay in your room.”
Well, I hoped the third wave wouldn’t hit me while I was wandering the aisles of the compound. Or worse, during my training periods with Dylan. Now, that would be a reason to commit suicide.
My lesson with Lisa was harder than the day before. Nausea overcame me three times so hard, I had to break off and catch my breath. Lisa stayed patient as always, giving me the time I needed to get myself together.
When I left Lisa’s room a few hours later, I didn’t feel as relaxed but more exhausted than ever. My legs were still sore from the ruthless training the day before, and I dreaded another three hours of pure torture with Dylan, as sexy as he was to watch.
My thoughts drifted back to what happened between Chris and me yesterday. I hadn’t been able to read Dylan’s expression, but my stomach turned nonetheless when recalling the deathly glare he’d been shooting at both of us. Did I have to feel sorry?
Dylan was already waiting for me at the tunnel entrance, mouth set into a hard line, jaw and fists clenched. He didn’t say anything when I approached and opened the set of steel doors silently. I assumed he would hold them open for me, but that wasn’t the case, and I jumped forward to grab them before they closed shut behind him, prying them open with effort.
“We’ll continue where we finished yesterday,” he announced when we entered the insular training room.
Did I imagine it, or was his voice darker than usual? He gave me no time to ponder but spread his legs and waited for me to kick him. His wrist bandages were already in place.
We went through the same routine, only harder. Much, much harder…
After every kick, he shouted at me to move faster, higher, or push with more force. I kicked a few inches higher than in my first lesson, but my trainer didn’t seem to be satisfied with my progress.
“Higher,” he barked, and I kicked again.
“Not enough. Again.” I did.
“Keep your balance.” I kicked again with my other leg, trying to keep a stable stance.
“Give me three in a row.” I kicked three times from the side.
“Breathe, you need to keep breathing!” That was something I tended to forget.
“Keep your legs straight!” I straightened my legs.
“Faster!” I repeated the moves as fast as possible.
“Faster!”
I aimed at his chest, but my body hit its breaking point. As a result, I stumbled, breaking off mid-kick and tumbling onto the mattress with flailing limbs.
“I’m trying, for Christ’s sake!” I yelled, unable to keep my frustration in check any longer.
My clothes were soaked, my lungs nearly bursting from lack of oxygen, my legs trembling so hard I couldn’t keep upright anymore, and my right knee throbbed terribly. Pressing one hand on it, I tried to ease the pain, hissing through my teeth.
One thing was for sure, Dylan was in a shitty mood.
“You’re not trying hard enough!” Dylan’s sharp voice rumbled through the vast space.
He prowled restlessly from one side to the other like an officer who was giving his army a torturing lecture about how miserably they’d failed. He reminded me of Sergeant Hartman tearing strips off his Marines in Full Metal Jacket.
“I can’t. I’m drained,” I retorted in exasperation.
I let my arms slump down in defeat. Didn’t he understand? I’d given him countless kicks the last two hours. I’d hit my limit, Natural or not. I was still only human.
Dylan barked out a sardonic laugh, clearly mocking me for being weak, in his opinion. This caused me to pant through my nose, seething inside as I tried to reign in my fury. I was close to calling him a few names he certainly wouldn’t tolerate. Cocky prick was one of them.
I found the strength to get up one last time, barely standing on shaky legs. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Yesterday’s training lesson had been completely different. He’d been distant, yes, but fair and understanding. Not so today. I was sure to get a whiplash from his mood shifts soon.
“Wrong with me?” he yelled in disbelief, pointing his forefinger at his chest. “I’m trying to turn you into a warrior. You won’t find a better trainer than me. I’m giving you lots of my valuable time, so maybe you could take this seriously!”
I stared at him, dumbfounded, lost on words for a second. Was he joking? I would train twenty-four-seven if my body could survive without sleep.
After a few seconds of boring my eyes into his hateful ones, I found my voice again. “It was you who volunteered. I didn’t ask you to train me. You wanted me to… hang on,” I broke off, suddenly realizing what this was all about, as unbelievable as it sounded. “This is about Chris kissing me yesterday, isn’t it?” I crossed my arms over my heaving chest, watching Dylan’s reaction closely.
He shook his head while huffing a sardonic laugh. “I don’t give a fuck about whom you’re sticking your tongue into,” he spat.
Ouch. That was a low blow.
But Dylan wasn’t fooling me. I came to know him pretty well. He may excel in hiding his emotions, but not so when he was angry. His stormy, appion eyes always gave him away.
“Apparently, you do. Chris kissed me, you know, not the other way around.” I had no idea why I was even telling him that. There was no need for justification, was there?
“You didn’t stop him, either,” Dylan countered, simultaneously confirming my suspicions that the kiss I’d shared with Chris was the source of his ire. Why did he even bother, I wondered?
“I didn’t, no.” Lifting my fisted hand to my mouth, I bit on one knuckle in frustration. “Jesus, I’m only human, okay? I’ve been here for nearly two months, and not once did I…” Whoa, that was close. I would so not talk with Dylan about my sex life—or rather, the lack of it. I threw up my hands in exasperation. “Argh, why am I even telling you this?”
“Do you always switch the men you kiss so fast?” he countered as if I hadn’t spoken, his tone laced with a lethal edge.
I nearly felt guilty, but he didn’t deserve my empathy. Kissing Dylan had been necessary to get him out of the Bluster. Chris kissing me had happened out of nowhere, and I hadn’t been the initiator. In my opinion, we were talking about two entirely different things here. Dylan seemed to disagree with me, though.
Stepping closer to Dylan, I gave him what I hoped was an equally dark look. I was past being intimidated by him. All this time, I’d played by his rules—rules he’d broken himself, as far as I was concerned.
“And how fast do you switch the nurses you fuck?” I drawled in a low voice to add dramatic effect. If he could kick below the belt, I could do the same. I didn’t want to know how many women he banged, but I was sure it was more than was good for him.
Dylan snapped his head back to me with a deadly look of warning, daring me to say anything else on the matter. I had him there.
I shook my head and sighed, my energy leaving me like a bursting balloon. I was too battered to fight with him anymore. “You know, I thought we were finally getting along. I was wrong.” I pivoted on my heels, grabbed my training bag, and rushed to the door as fast as my sore legs would let me.
“We’re not done here!” Dylan barked from behind me, but if he thought he could command me like that, he was deadly wrong.
“I am,” I countered, depleted, not turning back before shutting the door behind me with a loud bang.
Thankfully, I’d managed to make a mental map of the maze of tunnels before, so I didn’t rely on Dylan’s help to find my way back. In that case, I wouldn’t put it past him to leave me here for a day or two, completely lost, just to teach me a lesson.
Just as I rounded the first corner, a battle cry followed by a dull sound reached my ears. It came from behind me, and I was ninety-nine percent sure Dylan was the cause.
I bit my lip, debating to go back in there and talk things out. I’d never been one to leave without solving a fight, but I had the feeling it wouldn’t do any good this time. Not now. He needed time to calm down, whatever it was that made him so furious in the first place.
So, I traversed the tunnels and didn’t look back.