Chapter4
Hazel
Hazel was going about her day as usual. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the day and no reason for her to feel anything but normal. And yet she had a strange sense that things were going to change and she couldn’t quite understand why. But she had always believed in intuition and her gut told her that something big was going to happen. And yet, despite all these feelings, she was still taken by complete surprise when she turned around and saw Damien Carson standing in front of her.
She held onto the desk for support and could feel the color drain from her face. She quickly looked around and was glad to see that the children had left the room. They didn’t know about Damien and she wasn’t quite ready to explain him to them. If they knew that this was the man she had once been in love with, they would never stop with the questions. And she certainly couldn’t tell them that he had gone to jail. She’d be inundated with letters from parents and she wasn’t sure how she was going to explain herself out of that one.
“Da – Damien?” she stuttered. Her voice sounded strange – as if it didn’t quite belong to her. She wondered briefly if she might just be in a dream. She’d had a lot of dreams about Damien coming back.
“Hazel. I’m sorry to come in like this. I just wanted to see you.”
“When did you get out?”
“Yesterday.”
Hazel looked at him then. His hair was cut short and the scar across his eyebrow looked even more visible to her than before. He looked like someone that went to jail. He was all rough around the edges. He couldn’t disguise it – not even with his clean clothes and the aftershave that she could smell from where she was standing. Why had she not seen this before?
“I was told you’d be there for four years.”
She remembered thinking to herself that surely after four years she would’ve gotten over him. It had been two and looking at him now, she realized that she was nowhere near over him. Nowhere near.
“They let me out on good behavior.”
She scoffed then, a weird rasping sound bursting through her lips. “Bit late for that.”
She looked at Damien, unsure of what to do next and fully aware that in another twenty minutes the kids would all come rushing back. She couldn’t bear all the questions that they would have for her if they saw her talking to him.
“Hazel, can we talk?”
“Damien, I’m at work.”
“Okay, I know, I understand that. But I have so much to tell you and I need you to please hear me out.”
“Seriously? Hear you out? After you just disappeared on me like that? Do you have any idea how worried I was about you? I eventually called the police because I couldn’t get hold of you and they were the ones that told me that you had been taken to jail because you tried to rob a bank. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?” She could feel her heart racing as her voice got louder. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. “I thought Robbie had hurt me bad. I thought no man would be able to hurt me like that again. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I thought I knew you. You broke my heart, Damien.”
“I know. I know I did. I know that nothing I say will ever take away what happened. But I need to talk to you. Please, Hazel.”
“No. I’ve moved on. I need you to leave.”
“But…”
“Just leave. Before I get you removed. Please, Damien, don’t let the kids walk in with you still here. Please go.”
She saw that he was about to say something but then he changed his mind and walked out.
Hazel spent the next few hours trying to get through her day without thinking about him. It wasn’t easy and she was grateful for every distraction that came her way. At the end of the day, as she was about to walk out, little Ruby came up to her. Ruby was one of the smallest in the group and certainly one of the sweetest.
“Yes, Ruby? Is everything okay?”
Ruby looked at her with big brown eyes. “Actually Miss Rose, I wanted to see if you were okay. You looked sad this afternoon. I didn’t want to ask you in front of everyone else because I know I hate it when someone asks me if I’m okay in front of everyone else.”
Hazel tried not to burst into tears. “Ah, I’m going to be just fine. Thank you, Ruby.”
She walked Ruby out and pretended as if everything was okay. But as she was about to step outside the secretary called her.
“Hazel! Wait, don’t leave yet. I have something for you.”
“Yeah?”
“Sorry things were so busy here and I almost forgot. Some guy dropped this off for you. Man, who was that guy? He’s cute.”
“Just an old friend. Thank you.” Hazel took the note and rushed out.
She didn’t want to talk to anyone about Damien because she couldn’t trust her emotions and knew that the tears were just inches from falling out. Nobody at the school had even known about him. All they knew was that two years ago Hazel got very sick and wasn’t able to come to work for a few weeks. Then she got better. She tentatively opened the note and her heart lurched at seeing his handwriting again. All neat and tidy and so completely unlike who he was. It was something that she had once teased him about. Thinking about that moment felt like a lifetime ago.
I would love the chance to talk with you. Please.
Also, I’m so sorry.
Damien
At the bottom he left his phone number as well as the address of the motel that he was staying at. She saw the address and sighed – it wasn’t far from where she lived. She wanted to tear up the note but instead she just folded it up and put it in her pocket and then tried desperately not to think about it.
Then, she walked over to the other side of the school, where the younger kids were, and went to collect her son.
Ben was two years old. Hazel didn’t think that she could ever love anyone as much as she loved him. It had been hard not to think of Damien each time she looked at him – he was the splitting image of his father – but he had developed his own little personality that soon he was just ‘Ben’ to her. But now that she had seen Damien again she couldn’t believe how much Ben looked like him. She swallowed hard when she saw him running towards her.
“Mommy!”
She scooped him up and hugged him tight. She knew that there were only a few more years left of her being able to do that before he found it too embarrassing. So she made the most of it. Now, he giggled and he held out a picture for her. It was mostly just lines and squiggles but it immediately made her happy.
“Wow. Did you do this?”
He nodded and pointed to himself. “Me.”
“All by yourself?”
“Yes.”
“It is beautiful. You’re my little artist. Now, are you ready to have some fun?”
“Fun? What fun mommy?” He was just starting to formulate sentences and took great pleasure in any new word that he heard. “Fun,” he said again.
“We’re going to the park!”
It was a decision that Hazel had only just made. She wasn’t even sure why. She just wanted to keep the distractions coming. She could feel Damien’s note burning a hole in her pocket. The park would at least bide her some time.
Ben knew the word park well. To him the word park meant swings and sand and dogs. He smiled at her and she knew that in that moment she was his world. They took a walk to the park, which was halfway between school and home and Ben stopped to say hello to every single dog that came his way.
“Dog! Dog!” he would say and point whenever he saw one.
He had an absolute fascination with them and she knew that it wouldn’t be long until he was asking for one of his own. He took barely any interest in cats or birds but the moment he saw a dog he would get excited. She didn’t mind – she wanted one, too – but their lives were so crazy at the moment that she didn’t want another responsibility on top of it. Hazel had been determined to bring up Ben without any help from anyone. She was lucky enough to have a place for him to stay during the day while she went to work and because it was on the same premises, it had made it very easy for her.
She didn’t have to worry about hiring a nanny or dropping off Ben with a stranger. It hadn’t been all smooth sailing, though. Hazel had always wanted a child but hadn’t felt nearly ready enough for it – and doing it on her own had obviously never been something that she had foreseen. But Ben was a good boy and she never regretted having him. She watched him now as he played in the sand, his little whoops of delight as he threw the sand in the air. She wanted to be happy. She knew that she had so much more in her life than other people. But the more she heard his whoops of joy, the more sadness seeped inside of her.
She had tried not to think about what would happen when Damien came back and now that he was here she had a million thoughts rushing through her mind. She had to tell him about Ben. And one day she had to tell Ben about Damien. But what was going to happen when Damien found out? When Ben found out? And how was she ever going to explain to her son that her father had gone to jail? It wasn’t a subject she was looking forward to dealing with. She could barely deal with it herself. She hated that she didn’t have any of the answers.
“Come on, my boy, time to go home!” And she smiled as Ben just nodded, took her hand and went home with her. He was an easy child. She was lucky.
She put on a brave face and started the walk home. Surely the day couldn’t get any worse. Of course, she regretted the thoughts the moment they came into her head because she knew something else was about to happen. And sure enough, when they were almost home, she turned the corner and found herself facing her past once again. Only this time it wasn’t Damien. It was Robbie.
“Hazel!”
“Oh, hey Robbie. Wow, uh… this is unexpected.”
And it was because since they had broken up, she had not seen him once. She hadn’t even bumped into him at the shops. Nothing. There was no surprise that she would bump into him today because that is just how messed up her life seemed to work.
“Hazel,” he said again. He looked different. He’d picked up quite a lot of weight, his shirt was disheveled and he just didn’t seem to ooze the same sort of confidence as he had when they were going out. She hated to admit it – but it made her feel good.
“How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I know. I actually moved overseas for a while. To London. But, I’m back. I got back a few months ago. It’s strange being back here.”
She thought about asking him what had happened in his life, if he had stayed with that girl, if he was married now. But she realized that she actually didn’t care. She’d stopped caring for Robbie a long time ago. It was a welcomed realization.
“Ah, well welcome back.”
“Mommy. Look, snail.” Ben was tugging on her jeans and pointing to a snail in front of him. She could see the look of surprise run over Robbie’s face.
“Your kid?”
“Yeah, this is Ben. The cutest little guy in the world.” She picked him up and kissed his neck while he giggled and tried to wriggle away. “Anyway, we better get going. Nice seeing you again and good luck settling back in.”
Robbie started to say something and Hazel walked off. At least that meet up had made her feel good.
After their evening rituals of food, playtime and bath she finally put Ben to sleep and then crept down the stairs. She needed to speak to someone. She thought about calling her mother or calling Theresa, but she wasn’t quite sure she was ready to tell them. They were still battling to come to the terms that Damien had gone to jail – especially after they had all announced how much they liked and trusted him from that first meeting. It had taken Hazel three weeks to finally sit them down and tell them that not only had Damien been sentenced to imprisonment but that she was now carrying his child.
It had been a hard thing to tell them and a hard pill to swallow herself. They’d been incredibly supportive but she knew how much they hated him for what he had done to her. How he had managed to fool all of them. Instead, she phoned Rachel. She’d met Rachel about two months into her pregnancy. They were in the same antenatal class and their babies were due at the same time. They had clicked instantly and since then the two of them had become fast friends. Rachel had been there for her throughout the pregnancy and had been her rock while she tried to bring up Ben on her own. Ben loved Rachel, who came around to the house at least once or twice a week. And Ben loved Willow, Rachel’s little girl.
“Hey Rachel. Hope this isn’t a bad time.”
“Perfect time actually. Willow is fast asleep and Leo is playing his video game. I swear – it’s like I have two kids sometimes.”
That made Hazel laugh. She could easily picture Leo sitting in the living room with his headphones on, a bag of chips and a can of cola next to him while he shot zombies left right and center. He was like a teenager in an adult's body. There was something quite adorable about it and while Rachel liked to complain, it was obvious that she was still smitten with him.
“Ben is also sleeping. We’re lucky to both have kids that like sleeping so much. I’ve heard nightmares about children who just refuse to go to sleep.”
“Yeah, that’s probably because they can see how much we love our sleep, too. So… how was school today?”
“Uh… actually… that’s why I called.”
“Why? What happened?”
“So many things. Let’s start with Robbie. I bumped into him on the way home from school.”
“What? The Robbie? Robbie the scumbag?” Rachel had never met Robbie but she knew all about what had happened.
“The very one. Turns out he’s been in London this whole time. He’s back now.”
“Whoa. So… how did it feel seeing him?”
“It felt like I really just didn’t give a shit. I felt nothing. Oh, also, he’s fat now.”
Rachel laughed. “That, my friend, is brilliant news. I hope you’re having some wine to celebrate. I’ll gladly have some with you.”
“Well, no, because that’s not all that happened. Today was like a ‘let’s throw the past into Hazel’s face and see how she reacts’ kind of day.”
“What do you mean? What else happened?”
Hazel took a deep breath. “Damien is back.”
“DAMIEN?! How do you know? Wasn’t he only supposed to come out in like two more years?”
“Turns out you can get released early on good behavior. He came to the school.”
“OH MY GOD. Hazel, are you pulling my leg here?”
“I’m not. I know, it sounds mental doesn’t it.”
“How was it? You know, seeing him?”
“It was hard. Oh Rachel, it was so hard. I want to hate him. I want to punch him. But he just stood there – looking all Damien like. And I also just wanted to throw my arms around him. It’s so confusing. I told him to leave. He did. He also left me a note with his phone number and his address.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m calling you. You have to tell me what to do. I cannot make this decision on my own.”
“You have to go see him.”
“I know.”
“You have to tell him about Ben.”
“I know.”
“Listen, Hazel, you can do this. You have already survived so much on your own. You’ve proven to yourself and to everyone around you that you are strong enough to handle anything. So you’ve got this. You always knew that one day you would see him again and that one day you would have to tell him about Ben. And you deserve to know why he did what he did. You’ll never get full closure until you do.
"And remember, you have the right to keep Ben away from him. But you also have the right to let him decide whether or not he wants to be a part of Ben’s life. And that doesn’t mean that he has to be a part of yours. If you’ve moved on, and if you don’t want anything to do with him – then you don’t have to. These are you decisions. Just go see him. Talk to him. And then you move on from there. You move on and forge forward – just as you always have. You know you’re my hero, right?”
Hazel felt the tears rolling down her face “Yeah, but that’s mainly because I can hold my liquor isn’t it?”
“Mostly. Yes.”
Hazel laughed. “I love you, Rachel.”
“I love you, too, Hazel.”