Chapter7
Damien
Damien had been dreaming about this moment for two years but the moment it arrived he was scared. He’d always been quite good with children – probably due to the fact that he often still felt like a child himself – but suddenly he worried that Ben wouldn’t like him. And all of a sudden he couldn’t stop thinking about all his faults – listing each one of them over and over in his head. Despite the fact that they were only meeting at 11am, he was wide eyed at 4am and unable to go back to sleep. For at least an hour he just sat and stared at the darkened ceiling.
At first, he thought about what he was going to say and what he was going to do when the meeting finally happened. He ran through scenarios and conversations even though he had no idea what to really expect. Eventually he had to force himself to stop thinking about something that he could not predict so he put the lamp on and tried to read. When that didn’t work he tried to watch TV. He switched between channels, never truly watching anything. Then he got up and made himself a cup of coffee.
His small motel suddenly seemed even smaller and he felt as if the walls were closing in on him. He made himself a second cup and waited until it was early enough to go out for breakfast. There was a small café attached to the hotel that opened at 7am. He arrived at 6.55 and waited for them to open. When he got inside they were still getting the café ready and the waiters looked at him wearily. He knew that the last thing that they probably wanted was such an early customer. He found a booth and sat down. The waitress arrived a few minutes later.
“Well, you’re early today,” she said. He’d met her before. She wasn’t nearly as chipper as she had been on his previous meet ups with her.
“Uh… yeah. I couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry.” He suddenly felt bad for arriving so early.
“Nah, don’t be sorry. We open at 7am so you have every right to be here. I just haven’t had a cup of coffee yet and I’m never quite the same without it. But don’t worry, when I come back here to deliver your food I’ll have had my cup and I’ll be back to my normal self. So, what can I get you?”
Damien smiled at her. “I know what you mean. I’ve already had a cup, which is why I’m a fully functioning human being again. But I’ll have another please. I’ll look through the menu in the meantime while you go enjoy yours.”
She poured him a cup and went off to have one of her own. When she returned, he ordered the breakfast waffle special – aware that Wesley would not approve of his choice. The thought made him smile.
“Here we go,” the waitress said, and placed a huge plate in front of him.
“Thank you. Ah, you look happier now,” he mentioned.
“I am. I’m also about to have my second cup. So even more happiness coming my way. Enjoy your meal. You chose well with the waffle – it’s definitely one of the most popular items off the menu. You have a big day coming up or something? Normally when I can’t sleep it’s because I have something important on the next day. My mind always refuses to switch off.”
“Yeah. Probably one of the biggest days of my life,” he said.
“The waffle will help you. Good luck!”
And Damien did actually feel better after the waffle. It was huge and was piled with layers of bacon. And being at the café also gave him something to do – a welcome distraction from his far too busy mind. People started filing in from about twenty past and he was sitting at the best vantage point to watch them. When he finally left the café it was 9am, which gave him only two hours until he was meant to meet with Hazel and Ben. He went back into his room and got himself ready. There was only so much that he could choose from to wear as his cupboard was still looking very bare after his jail sentence. He’d been to one shop since he’d gotten out and had bought himself two pairs of jeans, three t-shirts and some underwear. He still had his shoes and his jacket from before.
He had contacted his previous landlord but he said after discovering that Damien was not going to be back for a few years he gave everything to charity. Damien wasn’t sure that he quite believed him but there was nothing that he could say. Anyway, it was a good chance for him to move on and to start afresh without a constant reminder of his old life. Thankfully, he remembered what he was wearing the last time he saw Hazel and made sure that he chose a different shirt. Not that she would even be thinking about his outfit but still, he wanted to give the best impression possible. He knew that if he were a girl at that moment he would’ve spent the next hour doing his makeup. But there was very little he could do other than to make sure his clothes were clean and ironed. Then, he took a deep breath and headed out the door.
It took about half an hour to walk to the park. He looked at his watch and saw that he still had twenty minutes to wait. They had decided to meet at the bench near the sandpit. The plan was to walk around the park and then perhaps go for a drink at the café. But it was all very dependent on how the day actually went and how much Ben wanted to even be around him. Damien took his time and finally made it to the bench. While he waited he watched as the other families came past. They all seemed so normal and he wondered what normal actually felt like. He had never been more desperate for a normal existence in his whole life. He now couldn’t understand why he had always wanted to be so different from everyone else. It seemed so silly and pointless now.
Damien spotted Hazel before she had seen him. She was walking towards him in the distance while a little boy was holding her hand. He was small but seemed determined to walk which meant they were taking a long time to get to him. Hazel was chatting to him and the boy was listening intently. He wondered what they were talking about. When they got close enough for him to see, Damien tried not to gasp. The little boy looked just like him. Hazel hadn’t been lying about that. And even though she had warned him, it still took him by complete surprise. It was in that moment when Hazel looked up and caught his eye. She smiled and walked towards him. Damien got up and tried to steady himself on the park bench. He could feel the whole world spinning around him.
“Hazel,” he whispered when she got near. He had no idea if he should reach out and hug her, kiss her or just extend his hand for a shake. He did neither. He just stood and stared. His mind had gone completely blank.
“Damien, thanks for coming. I’d like you to meet the loveliest boy on the planet. Damien, this is Ben. Ben, this is Damien. Say hello.”
The little boy peered up at him, his eyes squinting in the light. He seemed to be assessing Damien. Then, seemingly satisfied, he smiled.
“Hi.”
The word hi had never been cuter. Ben tugged at Hazel’s jeans and pointed to the sandpit. She grinned at him.
“Go on, you can go play. We are right here watching.”
Ben ran to the sandpit and dived right in. He immediately began building something out of the sand around him and seemed transfixed by whatever he was doing. He quickly looked to see that his mom was still there and then he carried on. Hazel sat down on the bench and Damien joined her.
“He’s beautiful, Hazel.”
“He is,” she said, “and he looks just like you.”
That was an indirect compliment but he didn’t want to say anything to ruin the moment.
For a while, the two of them just sat and watched Ben playing. There was something very serene and beautiful about seeing him play in the sand – completely content with his life. A little boy joined him and the two started playing together, passing sand to one another and laughing at who knows what. It made Damien laugh too.
“Man, I wish it was that easy for adults to make friends. We are all so wary of one another. Imagine just going up to someone and asking them to play with you. You’d probably be arrested.”
Hazel laughed back. “Tell me about it. It’s hilarious to watch because they can’t even form full sentences and yet somehow they manage to have an entire conversation without a problem. Ben has become very talkative lately, though – I think he’s getting very excited about finally being able to comprehend things more and finally being able to say things to me that I understand. The full sentences are on their way for sure. He’s a clever kid.”
“Takes after his mom.”
Hazel didn’t respond and Damien suddenly felt incredibly awkward. He wanted this to run as smoothly as possible. He glanced at her. She was watching Ben with intensity but he wasn’t sure if it was because she was interested in what he was doing or because she didn’t want to look at him – probably a mixture of both.
“Thanks for letting me meet him, Hazel. And for letting me see you again. I don’t want to get all serious on you now – but I want you to know just how much it means to me. I don’t take this lightly. I know how hard this must’ve been for you. But it means so much to me.”
She was silent again but finally, without looking at him, she said, “It was important for me that you met him. And… I’m happy to see you again, too.”
Then, she looked at him but it was so intense that she quickly looked away again. He wondered if she felt the same sort of chemistry that he felt every time he was near her. It was as if the two years apart had only served to strengthen it.
“So tell me about Ben.” Ben, at least, was a safe topic.
He saw her visibly relax next to him. “Well, he’s just turned two. He’s really no trouble at all. The whole terrible two thing just hasn’t happened to me. Maybe it’s still coming, but really, so far I’ve been lucky. Even when he was little he was good. He loves his sleep, too, which means I never got woken a million times in the night like some other parents do. It was like he always took me into consideration. I know that sounds crazy – but that’s what it felt like.
"He’s a proper little boy though – he loves getting dirty and he loves being mischievous. I’m very lucky because he comes with me to school every day. We have some awesome ladies there who look after the very young kids so I’ve been very fortunate with that. I drop him off in the morning and collect him on my way home each day. And he has so much fun there with the other kids. When he’s old enough he’ll join my school, too. And the other teachers all love him so he gets a lot of very special attention. Ah… I’m going on… sorry. I always seem to talk forever when it’s about him.”
“That’s why I’m here. I want to know everything. Two years is a long time to miss out.” Damien heard his voice catch the moment he said that and he quickly looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry – this is quite emotional for me.”
“I think this would’ve been very different if you hadn’t known about Ben. I mean, imagine I had only told you about it for the first time when you got out.”
“Yeah, that’s true. I’ve thought about that. I’ve had two years to process the whole thing. Hazel – I want you know that in those two years I never once thought about running away from it all. I knew from the moment that I found out that I wanted to be a part of Ben’s life. I knew, of course, that you might not let me, but that was always my plan. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I know I cannot take back everything that happened. But you have to know that this is one mistake I’m glad I made. I have a child. And I have a child with a woman that I still love deeply. That’s a miracle right there.”
“Thank you for saying that Damien. It means a lot. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it does mean a lot. I sometimes think the whole thing would’ve been easier if you wanted nothing to do with us. But I know that this is good for Ben. I don’t want him to think that his father ran out on him. I know that he needs this. He might be too young to comprehend it all right now but eventually it’s going to mean something. And I’m glad you’re out now because the questions are going to start coming as soon as he’s old enough.”
“And what about us Hazel? I mean… would you have preferred it if I never came back? For you.”
But before Hazel had the chance to respond to him Ben came running up to them. Damien could see that she seemed grateful for the interruption. Perhaps he had been too hasty in asking such a serious question so soon.
“Mommy. I made friend,” Ben said.
“I see that. What’s his name?”
Ben just shrugged.
“Oh well, not important. As long as you’re having fun. Do you want to go for a walk now with me and Damien? We can even go feed the ducks. I have the bread ready.”
Ben smiled broadly. “Ducks, Ducks, Ducks!”
It didn’t at all sound like he was saying Duck though and Damien tried not to laugh. He saw Hazel grinning.
“I’ve been trying to get him to pronounce the D better but for some reason it always sounds like he’s swearing. It’s funny for me when we’re alone but when other people hear him they think that I must be teaching him some bad habits.” Then she looked at Ben, “Okay, go say goodbye to your new friend.” He just waved to his friend and that was it. Friendship over.
They walked over to the duck pond and spent some time throwing pieces of bread into the pond and watching as the ducks came to fetch them. Each time a duck took a piece of bread Ben would burst into fits of giggles.
“He has your laugh,” Damien noted.
“Yeah. And he laughs at the silliest things and not at things are meant to be funny. Just like me.”
Damien smiled at that. He had forgotten that about Hazel and it brought back so many emotions and memories that he suddenly found it hard to talk. Thankfully, Ben was talking enough for everyone so there were no awkward silences. When the bread was finished Hazel suggested that they all go to the café, an idea Ben was delighted with.
“I drink coffee,” Ben announced as they sat down.
“Really?” Damien asked and looked at Hazel for confirmation.
She giggled. “Yeah, this is his favorite place to come because he gets to act like an adult. They actually bring a kids version out which is just warm milk with chocolate sprinkles on top. But they put it in the same cup that our coffees come in so it looks just the same. He loves it.”
“Coffee,” Ben announced again.
“Well I’m very impressed Ben. Coffee is delicious isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
They ordered their coffees and Damien watched in amusement as Hazel winked when ordering Ben a coffee, too. The waiter winked back so this was something they obviously did often. When the waiter returned with their drinks, he also placed a coloring book in front of Ben along with an assortment of pens. Ben giggled with delight and opened up the book to see what was inside. On the first page was a picture of a panda. Ben’s eyes widened and he held up the book to show his mom.
“Mommy. Look. Panda. It’s me!”
Hazel looked slightly uncomfortable as she shifted in her chair. She didn’t look at Damien. “That’s right my boy. It’s a Panda.”
“But it’s me!” Then Ben showed the book to Damien. “Look! It’s me.”
“You? But you’re not a panda. You’re a boy,” Damien said.
“Mommy calls me panda. It’s me!”
“Mommy calls you panda? That’s a cool name.” Damien couldn’t believe it. He looked at Hazel. “You call him panda?” That was his name for her. It was still the name he called her in his head.
“Uh… yeah. It… it reminded me of you.” That made him smile.
“Hey Ben, did you know that I call your mom Panda?” Ben looked at him quizzically.
“Mommy?”
“Yes. So you’re both pandas now. A girl panda and a boy panda.”
Ben seemed very pleased with that idea and got out the crayons to start his masterpiece. Every now and again he would stop drawing and would lift up the cup to take a sip. He spilled every single time. The cup wasn’t exactly kid friendly but according to Hazel he refused to have it any other way. Hazel was right – he was such a good kid.
“He’s adorable Hazel. Thank you for this. I cannot tell you how much this means to me. All of this.”
Hazel just nodded. She seemed so lost in thought.
“So,” she said eventually, “how was the coffee in jail?”
He was surprised that she was bringing it up but he was glad. He didn’t want them to never speak about it. It happened and there was nothing either of them could do to change it.
“Awful. I’m not sure you could even call it coffee. Some of the guys loved it. I called it dirty water. I didn’t want to drink it at first but eventually I did and then somehow I just got used to it. But when I got out and had a proper cup I realized what I had been missing out on.”
“Well here’s to good coffee. And to never going without it again.” They clinked mugs.
He knew that by saying that she was also saying ‘and here’s to never going to jail again’ and he wondered just how much she thought about it all. How much she worried that he would just mess up and leave her again. He wanted to tell her that he would never leave her and that he was here to stay but he knew it wasn’t good for him to get too serious on her now. He had to gain back his trust. Not with words, but with actions.
Afterwards, when they were about to say goodbye, Damien decided to take a chance. He was feeling good after meeting Ben and spending time again with Hazel.
“I had a great time today,” he started off by saying.
“Me, too,” she said.
“Me, too,” Ben announced which caused them all to laugh. Then he discovered a snail on the ground and suddenly forgot all about them.
“Uh… Hazel… I would really love to see you again. Could I please take you on a date? Tomorrow? I can swing by at around 7pm. You can bring Ben, of course. It would just be so great to see you again.” He tried to get the words out quickly before he could change his mind. He was feeling emboldened after spending the morning with her.
Damien watched as Hazel looked to the ground, looked at Ben and then looked back at him. She seemed to be lost in thought trying to make a decision. Finally she closed her eyes and then looked up at him again.
“Actually, my best friend would love to take Ben for the night. He’s good friends with her little girl. Her and I actually met because we were both pregnant at the same time, so the kids are the same age. I’m sure he’d love to spend a night with her.”
“So that’s a yes?” he asked.
“That’s a yes.”