"It's a little fuckin' weird, man. They'll get used to it." Bo tosses another rock into the creek and I grip the beer can in my hand so tight it crumbles.
"It's not weird." I bitch like a fuckin' teenager, but these feelings I have for Jo aren't just teenage lust feelings. It's love. And fuck my dad for acting like that.
It's been three days since she's been gone. I know she's coming back but it still aches not being around her.
"When's she coming home?" Chase asks.
"Don't know." I take a deep breath. "But when they do I'm sure I'll be lookin' for another place to live. Garrison ain't about to let us live together under the same roof if it's his roof we're under, and I'm not about to live without her."
Chase and Bo both stay silent and I know it's because there's nothing else to say. The day she left we spent a full day of cleaning up the mess that Cash left us. That night, I went out and drank myself stupid. Regretted that the next day when my dad woke me up with his boot to the shoulder just hard enough to startle my hungover ass awake. I drank because I missed my city girl. I drank because I was pissed at my dad. I drank because my brother's dead and it's my fault.
"When's Cash's funeral?" Chase finally breaks the silence and I glare over at him.
"Does it matter?" I don't know what to do with the feelings inside me about Cash's death, and I may never tell another soul what happened in that barn. He fuckin' snapped. It was his life or mine, and I wasn't about to let Jo live without me here to protect her if he was still walking this earth. I did what I had to do, and now I have to live with it.
Chase shrugs with a shake of his head.
"You gonna go?" Bo asks, tossing another rock.
"Nope."
I stand and toss my beer can into the bed of my truck. I need to get home. If Jo comes home and I'm not there, I'll never forgive myself. Coming home to an empty house feels wrong.
Jo can't get back fast enough.
I had another day without her, but today’s the day I’ll get to see her again.
"Jo told me they're comin' back today. You know what time?" I ask my dad as we shovel more debris into the trucks. This fuckin' mess is gonna take weeks to clean, then the rebuilding process starts. He stops working and glares over at me. He's not said but a few words a day to me, and I know he's still pissed and sorting through how he feels about this, but I'm not backing down.
"I need you to head to town for me." He pulls out his wallet and tosses me a card. "Need more tarps."
"I'll go tomorrow." I grunt, shoveling another pile into the truck. No way I’m missing her getting home.
"You'll go now." The severity in his voice is nothing to fight. "Right now."
I narrow my eyes, but I don't have the energy to fight with him so I toss my shit to the ground and storm off. Lucky's in his outside pen and I walk by, giving him some attention before heading to my truck, unable to stop thinking about how much Jo likes him. It's only been a few days since the idea crossed my mind, but I already know what I'm getting her for her birthday, which I believe is coming up.
By the time I get back from town, Donna's car is in the garage and I drop the bag on my parent's counter and book it to the guesthouse.
"She's sleepin' here in the guestroom," my dad says, staring at a cup while sitting next to our door. "Long trip. Let the girl sleep." He grunts as he pushes off the wall and I narrow my eyes at him.
"Did you know they were almost home? That why you sent me to town? To make sure I didn't get to see them come home?" I've never wanted to fight with my dad before this. We've always had an amazing relationship, but this situation and his reaction has probably ruined it.
He nods and walks away. "Back to work, Brandt."
I walk by the guestroom and stare at the closed door. I fuckin' hate closed doors between us. I just want to go in there and wrap my arms around her and never let her go. I also want my dad to fuckin' accept us as we are. It's either that, or move out. Simple as that.
Workin' out in the heat all day does nothing for my mood. The only thing keeping me going is knowing she's inside, waiting for me. I’m not surprised she hasn't come out to say hi yet. She's convinced my dad wants her dead so I don't see her willingly coming near him till this all blows over. Which it will all blow over. It has to.
"Done for the day," I grunt, tossing my shit on the ground by the dumpsters. My dad glances over at me and nods tightly.
"Dinner's in an hour." He says it like I don't have a choice. I've been skipping out on family dinners since Jo and I got more serious and he never gave me shit about it. I guess he's pulling those reigns a little tighter now. I'm a grown fucking man. He needs to loosen up on the whole parenting thing.
I kick my boots off and head for the guestroom where the door's still closed. Knocking gently, my heart's in my throat I'm so excited to see her. I crack the door open, expecting her to make a smartass comment about sleeping. But she doesn’t. Because she's not fucking in here. The bed's still made and this room looks like it's not been touched in months.
"The fuck?" My stomach drops at the sight of the empty, untouched room. I start to move throughout the house searching for her.
Donna rounds the corner as I check upstairs, her eyes wide. "Brandt—" she starts but I cut her off.
"Where is she?" I'm panicking, and only because Jo's alluded to leaving before. If she's gone...
"Sleeping. I thought. She headed back to your house earlier today." Her face scrunches in worry. "Why? Is she not there?"
"My dad said she's over here." I roll my eyes then take the stairs three at a time to get downstairs and over to our house. "Jo!" I yell, swinging open our door. I just want to see her and stop this rising panic.
There's no luggage from her trip and her bedroom doors are wide open. Nothing in here's been touched. I bolt upstairs, hoping she's sleeping in my bed, but the rumpled mess I left it in this morning hasn't been touched.
Donna's standing in our living room, worry lacing her features.
"Where the fuck is she?" I yell, knowing the answer already.
"She's gone," my dad admits from the doorway, another glass in his hand. I wonder if Donna knows he’s been drinking this much.
Donna rushes to her room and pulls open the drawers. The scream she lets out gives me my answer. I slide down the wall I'm using to prop myself up and lose my shit. Absolutely lose it. Grown men aren't supposed to act like this, but the one person I need in life to help me through this shit-pool and be with me at the other end has left me. And now I'm left with nothing.
My world didn't end when my brother died. My world didn't end when my family found out about me and Jo. My world ended the day Jo walked away from me.
Brandt the farmer: 13 days. Please just reply so I know you're safe.
I hit send and groan. Jo fuckin' left me. That was thirteen days ago. Thirteen days of not talking to her. She's not answering my calls. Donna's not stopped crying. My dad's not speaking to anyone at this point but he's lucky I haven't put a boot in his fucking ass. I send her messages every fucking day, and every fucking day I wait around for a text I know probably isn't coming.
Cash's funeral came and went. I was forced to go and I sat in the back pew the entire time, unmoving, as my dad, Donna, and my fucking mother attempted to play 'hurt' family members. My mom hugged me and I had to push her off. How the fuck do you feel sad over the death of someone you've wanted dead for years now? I'm angry. I'm angry he got the easy way out. He doesn't have to put up with this bullshit anymore. Bullshit like friends and family giving you weird fucking looks because they're too small-minded to realize what Jo and I have isn't wrong. Bullshit like living with a father that practically paid for the girl I love to move away because he's too hung up on that damn marriage certificate her mom and him have. Bullshit, like the actual bull shit that my dad's been forcing me to clean from the pens daily, even though we have a hired fuckin' high schooler to do this shit.
He hates me. Hell, I hate me. I hate him.
There's not much left lately that I don't hate.
"Anything?" Bo asks as I sit here and stare at my phone. I can't bring myself to leave the house. The few of my friends that aren’t put-off by my relationship with my step sister have started comin' ‘round in turns. I think they know my state of mind, and it isn't a good one.
I grunt and stand, pacing the living room. I gotta do something to busy my mind or I'm gonna go fuckin' insane. Bo's watching me like a caged animal but I can't look at him right now. I can't talk to him right now. I scan the room for something to focus on other than my phone screen and my eyes land on the horses that Jo gave me.
Hell, that day feels like a lifetime ago. Everything in this fucking house reminds me of her, but I can't bring myself to change anything. The only fucking food I've been able to eat these past two weeks is peanut butter. I'm a fuckin' glutton for punishment, apparently. She's coming back. She has to.
"I gotta get outta here." I grab my phone and look around the room. "You seen my Stetson anywhere?" I furrow my brows. I can't remember the last time I saw it, but I've been looking for it for awhile now.
"Maybe it was in the barn," Bo says, standing. "Where we headed?"
I shrug. "Lucky needs to stretch his legs. You wanna take Taylor and him down to the creek?"
Bo gives me a slight grin, like maybe he thinks I'm coming out of this funk I've been in, but I don't have the heart to tell him I'll never be the same. Ever. Not until she's home and Garrison apologizes, which I'm looking for hell freezing over before that happens, so this is the new Brandt. Angry at the world and obsessing over a girl that I met and instantly took a liking too.
I head out to the old barn on the other side of the field. Cleanup’s almost done of the remnants of the burned barn. Next week the rebuild starts, but for now we've shoved everything we had left into this tiny wooden building that my granddaddy used as his main barn back in the day.
When I pull open the door, something in the corner catches my eye. Admittedly, I haven't been in here much. I've worked dawn to dusk with cleanup of the mess out there and my dad's not been keen on letting up on me lately. It's been awhile since Lucky's been out, but I can't bring myself to enjoy anything I used to do.
I walk over to the corner and swipe the tarp away, revealing an old Ford 4600 tractor. Grinning, I glance back at Bo. "How much you think I could get for this?" My hand runs down the gentle curve of the bumper. It's in pristine condition.
"It run?" He walks over and starts to inspect it. I’m a rancher by nature. Bo, on the other hand, loves anything and everything about being a country boy. His parents have money, but his grandpa taught him everything he knows, and it’s a lot. From fixing tractors, hard work, and even bull riding, he’s got more knowledge about shit like this than I do.
"Maybe. Maybe not, but if I got it workin’, how much?" I smile at him, actually smiling. If I can work on this and get it running, I can get the hell outta my dad's house and when Jo comes back I'll be able to live with her. Simple solution!
"Six grand. Maybe more depending on the condition." Bo shrugs. "Ain't this your dad's?"
"He doesn't even know it's here." I laugh, because fuck him.
"Let's get this baby purrin’," Bo says, wiggling his eyebrows.
Brandt the farmer: Day 25. I miss you Jo. I love you.
Rolling my eyes after I hit send, I don't even know if these messages are going through, but I have to keep sending them. There are only a few things keeping me sane lately, and the thought that she'll be home soon is one of them.
I hit the alarm before it goes off. I’ve been lying here for hours, staring at the ceiling, because I just can't sleep anymore. I head down for coffee and make my way slowly outside, checking out progress on the new barn.
"Mornin'," I grunt to my dad who doesn't even give me more than a glance.
"Hot one today. We'll quit early." He huffs. I nod and drink my coffee, glancing out to the old shed.
Bo and I have been working every evening on that tractor and it's surprisingly something I enjoy doing. I'm pretty good at it too. It's helped take my mind off the fact that Jo's not here long enough for me to not want to kill myself for those few hours, so that's good. Right?
"Garrison, remember that old tractor in the garage?" I call out, smirking when he gives me a look.
"The hell did you just call me?" He wipes his brow with his sleeve.
"Garrison." I shrug. "It's your name, right?"
The crew around him all pause and look at me like I'm asking for an ass beating, but I'm tired of this shit. A father wouldn't have reacted the way he did. A father would've been happy his son finally found love. The day she left, the only words out of his mouth were that she was gone. That was it.
Usually, my dad would've given me shit about calling him by his actual name, but the look on his face makes me feel like he knows he deserves it, which just solidifies my theory that she left because of him and he knows it.
"So, you remember the tractor?"
"Yep."
"I fixed it. Thinkin' 'bout sellin' it."
"Sure," he grunts, walking away.
That's the extent of our conversation. The rest of the day he ignores me and when it's quittin' time I yank out my phone, praying there's a message from her, but there's nothin'.
There's always nothin'.
Brandt the farmer: Day 30. I've grown a beard. You're going to love it.
I hit send and crack my neck. It's five a.m. here, but God knows what time it is wherever she is. I hope she's close. I hope she comes home today, but every day that goes by and she doesn't show is another day I start to lose hope.
Heading downstairs, I spoon some peanut butter on a stalk of celery and overhear conversation coming in from my open kitchen window. Curious, I head over and look out, seeing Donna first. She don’t look happy. She's more than pissed. She's crushed.
"Tell me you didn't send her away." The disbelief in her tone makes me lean closer to the window and she repeats her words I wasn’t sure I caught correctly the first time.
"She wouldn't have lasted here. I didn't think it'd be like this," Garrison says, shaking his head.
"What the hell’s going on here?" I walk outside and down the deck steps, my breakfast still in my hand. "Donna?"
"He sent her away! My baby! I knew she wouldn't have just left on her own!"
I see red.
Spinning, I glare at my father. The fucking man who raised me and then ruined my life.
"I knew it," I blurt. "What the fuck did you do?"
"I told her she'd end up ruining your future. I'm sorry. I never figured she'd actually leave. I wanted her to. I wanted shit to go back to normal, but her leaving just made everything worse." With a curse he knocks over a chair. The rooster’s crow pulls my attention toward one of the barns until my dad speaks again. "How the fuck did I know it was going to ruin you two?" Words like fuck don’t come out of Garrison’s mouth. The realization of what he’s caused is starting to weigh on him, which explains the excessive drinking he’s been openly doing lately. I tried worrying about him at first, but I couldn’t find that emotion for the man.
"Was losing my brother not enough guilt for me to burden? You had to completely ruin my world by taking away my support?" I scream, hearing the chickens reply all the way from the barn.
“I’m your support!” Garrison retorts.
“No, you’re an asshole that only cares about himself.” I turn to go back toward the guesthouse.
"I didn't know she was your world, Brandt.”
"I told you I loved her!"
"You're a kid! How are you supposed to actually know what love is?" he shouts and I lose it. I swing and my fist connects with his jaw, sending him tumbling back into the fire pit.
I don't even think about what I just did. You're not supposed to punch your dad. You're supposed to respect him as the head of your family. But fathers aren't supposed to ruin their son's lives.
"I know what love is. I love Jo. And fuck you," I spit, then storm into the guesthouse while Donna goes for him.
Brandt the farmer: Day 32.
I don't have words for her today. My head hurts and I feel like hurling. I toss my phone down and lie back. Last two days I've been drunk. Nothing matters anymore. I'm a month out from my brother dying because I fuckin’ hit him in the head with a beam before he could kill me. I’m a month out from my girl leaving me because my father told her to. I'm heading into my second month of being the most miserable human being on the face of this earth.
"You ever goin' home?" Chase asks. He stayed here with me tonight in the tent I pitched. I can't go home yet. I may actually murder my dad.
"Don't know." I stand to take a piss in the river. "I fuckin' knew he did something. I just didn't realize it was something that direct."
"It was a dick move," Chase answers. "You gonna get her back?"
I turn to look at him. "This country's huge, man. I have no fuckin' clue where she is." I feel helpless. Not being able to find my girl. Not having any fucking clue where she is. I have a thought, a hunch, but I want it to be wrong.
He goes quiet for a few minutes, and I'm thankful. My head is spinning.
"She got an iPhone?" he finally asks.
"Last I knew, yeah." My hands slide down my face.
"Give me her number. I know a guy."
I narrow my eyes at him, but figure nothing can hurt at this point.
Brandt the farmer: Day 37. I had lunch with Kinlee today. Everyone here misses you Jo.
It's almost ten p.m. but I can't bring myself to go to bed because every time I close my eyes I see her and my heart breaks more. I'm sitting on my laptop at Donna and Garrison's kitchen table, because the beer over here is better and I'm too lazy to walk back to my place for it. My laptop's been open on this page for about ten minutes as I stare at the black beauty on the screen.
"What's that?" His voice irritates me as much as being in the same room with him. I almost get up and storm away but I'm too tired to fight tonight.
"Horse. Thinkin' ‘bout buying it for when Jo comes home. It's perfect for her."
I'm met with silence and don't even look up at him. He's looked like shit the last few days, and for good reason. He fucking destroyed this family, scaring her away on purpose like he did. I know she loved me and I don’t think she would leave without my dad giving mighty good reason for her to.
"You gonna bring her back?" he finally asks. I spin and glare at him.
"How the fuck do you think I could do that? I have no goddamned clue where she is, Garrison." He winces at my choice of words, but he's no father to me. Fathers don't fuckin’ do that to their sons.
"Donna knows." His pained whisper is enough to send my world spinning again. Even if only slightly, it's a fuckin' start.
I’m still waiting on Chase to get back to me, but if Donna knows, I'm going to get it out of her tonight. I need my world back.
Brandt the farmer: 43 days without you and life still sucks. I hope wherever you are, you're safe. I still love you city girl.
I know where she is and I'm hoping she responds soon or I'm gonna have to go to New York and find her. Donna told me New York City, but she didn't know anything further from that. I keep trying to get her phone coordinates, but keep coming up empty. I'm not losing faith. Someone at the phone store said they can help me so I'm going up there today. I'm not above begging at this point.
I shove my phone in the glove box and glance back at the chicks in the bed of my truck, all nice and tight in their cartons. This trip is so much different than my last delivery that I have to take a different way there just so I'm not caught in memory lane and wanting to slit my eyes out. I've lived without Jo in the flesh for too long, but the memory of her hangs on for dear life and I pray I never lose it. Not until I get her back.
"Hey, you." Fiona approaches me, wearing her Rural King smock. "Lookin' pretty good." Her voice grates at me and I step aside, carrying the crates in.
"You wanna help me with this delivery?" I grunt, heading to the back of the store.
"Nah. Just got my nails done. I'll have Steve do it." She shrugs and keeps following me, not calling for backup like she should be doing.
I set the crates down and spin to head back to the truck for more when her body stops me.
"What're you doing, Fi?" I grumble, shaking my head and taking a step back. Even at work this girl's tits are hanging out. Work isn't a fucking place to let your tits hang out, I'm just sayin', especially not at a store like this.
"I mean, with your sister gone and everything, maybe I was thinkin' you'd start dipping into the legal pond again." She bites her lip, batting her eyelashes and if she weren’t a girl, I’d have no problem putting her in her place.
Instead, I sigh and let out a stressed chuckle. "Nothing illegal about falling in love, Fiona." I step past her.
"Yeah, but it's gross." She’s following after me as I storm away.
"You're gross, Fiona," I snap, spinning and glaring at her. "I was fuckin' drunk when we fucked! Biggest goddamned mistake of my life!" I bark, turning around and heading back to my truck.
She doesn't follow me and I almost feel like a dick for yelling at her like that in the middle of the store, but she needs to back the fuck off. I'm nobody's but Jo's. I just have to fucking get her back here.
I leave the rest of the crates at the front with customer service because they wanted me out of there just as much as I wanted to get home. When I pull into my driveway, I get a text that makes me jump for my glove box.
City girl: I'm safe farm boy. Do like I do. If you just wake up expecting life to suck, it can't get any worse
Holy fuck.
My eyes scan the screen for what feels like forever and I can feel my heart beating in my throat.
“Fuck.” I run my hands through my hair and let out a puff of air.
Fuck.