Fourteen
Kellan
“There’s not much to tell,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve been working. I retired a few months ago.”
“You did?” Julia asked. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Why?”
My bear perked up, he didn’t want me to tell her either.
“There was a mission,” I began slowly. “Some things happened that shouldn’t have and my team was pretty messed up about it. We tried to stick it out, but in the end, we just weren’t the same men anymore. I was discharged honorably four months ago.”
“How was it?” Julia asked. “Before that? I mean, you spent your entire life waiting to be an Alpha. What was it like?”
“It was…” I searched for the right words. “Complicated, I guess. Complicated is the best way to describe it.”
“Tell me about it,” Julia pressed. “Please.”
“There are things I can’t really talk about,” I told her softly. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just…”
“You’re still dealing with it all,” she said with a nod. “I understand.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Thank you. It’s not easy. Coming back here and trying to adjust to civilian life. It was only five years, but after all the missions and training, I’m not the same person. I left a lot of myself behind when I left for Coronado and a lot more behind when I left the Alpha Squad. I’m just trying to figure out where my place is now.”
“That makes sense,” Julia said with sympathy. “It seems like you’re doing really well though.”
“I’m trying,” I admitted. “I’m really trying. Sometimes, it’s still hard to overcome the darkness, but it’ll get easier.”
“It will,” Julia assured me. “I can’t possibly understand everything you went through, but I do know a little bit about who you are. I know you’re strong enough to find your way back. However long it takes.”
“In the beginning, it was perfect,” I told her. “It was everything I always thought it would be. I fell into a rhythm with my team almost immediately. We were seamless. Didn’t matter that we were different species, every mission we went on was a success. Even the ones that weren’t, we still all made it out in one piece. Things only went south at the very end. I loved it until then. That last mission… I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it.”
Julia reached over and took my hand. I could tell it was an instinct, something she did without thinking. When she realized what she’d done, she cleared her throat and tried to pull her hand away. I held onto it tightly.
“Julia,” I began. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” she asked.
“The way I left,” I said quickly. “I never took the time to realize how that made you feel. I was just so excited to finally be an Alpha that it made me selfish. I just assumed you would understand and that was wrong of me. I thought you knew how I felt about you, but I was wrong. I never meant for that to be the end for us. I should have told you that back then. I’m so sorry I didn’t.”
“It’s okay,” Julia said weakly. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s been so long. It’s all in the past.”
“That doesn’t matter,” I said, gripping her hand even tighter. “I need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you. I shouldn’t have left without making absolutely sure you knew how I felt. I fucked up.”
“We all do that,” Julia mumbled with a shrug. “I shouldn’t have gone off on you like I did yesterday. You didn’t deserve that.”
“I did,” I said with self-deprecating laugh. “If you ask your sister, I deserve a lot worse.”
“Lacey?” Julia frowned. “What did she say to you?”
“She told me I broke your heart,” I said.
Julia rolled her eyes and ducked her head down in embarrassment. I saw her cheeks flush red and I wanted to trace my fingers down them. I wanted to feel the heat beneath my fingers and press my lips against hers.
“She shouldn’t have said anything,” Julia said finally. She pulled her hand out of mine and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I’ve just been through a lot since you left. A lot has changed…”
Julia trailed off, glancing into the distance. At first, I thought she was angry again, but when I saw the tears glistening in her eyes I knew she was reliving something really painful.
“What happened?” I asked gently. “I want to know, Julia. I really do.”
“I know you do,” Julia smiled. “But I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you yet.”
“That’s okay,” I nodded. “I’m just happy you’re talking to me again. I really wasn’t sure if you ever would.”
“I shouldn’t have ignored your phone calls.” Julia said suddenly. “Or your letters. That was wrong of me.”
“I understand,” I shrugged. “You needed time.”
“I did,” Julia nodded. “But I think I was just trying to punish you for leaving. Lacey shouldn’t have said anything, but she was right. When you left it tore my world apart, Kellan. I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I was a wreck.”
“So was I,” I breathed.
“Oh please,” Julia scoffed. “You were running off to chase your lifelong dream.”
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you. I thought you were going to be my mate Jules.”
At my words, Julia looked away and took a bite of her scone. She licked the icing off her fingers and my stomach tightened. I had missed her. More than even I realized. Sitting beside her solidified everything I felt all those years ago. My heart ached for her. My body longed to touch hers. Nothing had changed between us. Our connection was still just as strong as ever. It took every ounce of strength I possessed not to kiss her right then.
I slid closer to her on the bench, slowly reaching for her hand again, but she pulled it away quickly.
“Kellan,” she said sadly. “Don’t. It’s too soon.”
“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. I moved away from her again and breathed deeply. I didn’t want to push her away again. I just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before she left town.
“It’s not because I don’t want to,” Julia assured me. “It’s just… so much has happened and…”
“And I messed up,” I nodded. “I know.”
Julia took another bite of her scone and looked away. It felt like she was hiding something from me, but I didn’t push. She would tell me when she was ready.
We sat in silence for a few more minutes, neither of us wanting to break the familiar comfort we had sunk into. I drank my coffee until it was gone and Julia finished her second scone. The sun was high in the sky by the time we spoke again.
“I should probably get back,” Julia said, standing up. “My parents will wonder where I am.”
“How long are you in town? Can I take you to dinner?” I blurted out. “I owe you that much, at least.” My bear rumbled in agreement.
Julia smiled and shuffled her feet. She played with a loose curl. She looked more uncomfortable that I’d ever seen her, but the smile never left her lips.
“Sure,” she said hesitantly. “Dinner. That’s fine. I’m here for the rest of the week.”
“Tonight?” I asked.
“Okay,” Julia nodded.
She turned and walked through the square. I watched her sashaying hips until she disappeared.