I’d always thought that beards were itchy, but finally, my whiskers were getting softer, and at least they were laying down. For about a week I’d looked like a hostage.
For the better part of June, I stayed at the lake, working from there and only driving back when it was necessary for meetings. Cheryl was spearheading most of them anyway, and she was more than earning her new raise. That went for Lance too.
Between lounging at the cabin and picking up a few handyman jobs around Osage Beach, I pretty much checked out for a few weeks.
My friends called and sent messages, but I needed to be alone. Needed time to sort through the whole Dana thing without anyone in my ear, asking questions, reminding me of things.
The mistakes I’d made and was sorry for.
The words she said, the three she didn’t.
The sound of her voice the last time we spoke. How we’d argued.
She didn’t call or message, and neither had I. Did she not want to talk? Or was she like me and didn’t know what to say?
Eventually, I went home. I couldn’t hide from my life, and I had friends and family.
Thankfully, even when I got back, they didn’t crowd me.
Sure, Nolan nagged about how my lift-game was going to suffer if I didn’t start coming when he was there to gift me with his expert guidance. If I did go to Fit Club, it was late at night when I couldn’t sleep. Mostly, I just ran the whole time anyway.
The situation with Dana and me had put Reuben and Becca in a weird spot. I had lunch with him, but we didn’t bring her up. It was awkward because she was on my mind the whole time, as if she’d been sitting right there. She was the gorgeous, red-headed elephant at our table.
My mom called almost as much as Trevor, who was also staying at my place sometimes since it was summer. I didn’t mind, except when he tried to subtly get me to talk about it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but it only frustrated me when I did.
That Saturday night, he was sprawled across my couch, watching the end of a Royals game.
I’d been in the garage, dusting off my bike. It hadn’t been ridden since I’d taken Dana out earlier that summer. I thought about going for a ride, but it wouldn’t be the same.
But what was?
I didn’t have an appetite, but I grabbed a beer and crashed in the recliner. I just wanted to go five minutes without the fucking emptiness in my house without her there.
“They’re about to shut us out,” Trevor said. “Shitty game.”
I kicked my shoes off and pushed the back of the chair until it reclined, then I took a drink. “I was listening outside. We can’t get a hit.”
Another strike out.
He rolled over when the game went to a commercial break, and I could just feel it coming. He was about to bring her up, and I felt it in my chest.
“She’s as miserable as you are, you know?”
“I doubt that.”
That was one thing I’d been spared, I couldn’t even imagine what she was doing. Thank God.
However, that just left me replaying our time together on one giant loop.
I picked the remote up and tapped the volume up two notches. The Arby’s guy was telling us important stuff, like how they had the meats, while I ignored the image of her the time we met at the gym after my day from hell.
I bumped the TV up another notch.
“Well, why don’t you call her? Or go over there. You know where she lives.”
I shifted, my comfy chair suddenly not very comfortable at all. “It’s not that easy.”
“Why not?”
I shoved my feet against the footrest slamming it down, catapulting me upright a little more aggressively than I felt. Or maybe I did. “Because I’m still mad.”
“At who?”
“Both of us. All right?” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m still mad, and I’m sure she’s still mad. What good will talking do?”
“Dude, I guess it all depends on what you say. Maybe apologize.”
I took another drink. It was going to be one of those long nights.
“I tried to, Trevor. She didn’t want to hear it. She’s the most stubborn woman on the face of the fucking planet.”
He got up, threw a bunch of grape stems on the paper plate in front of him, and then slugged back the last of his water. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s so annoying when people won’t listen.”
Smart ass.
He stood and kicked my leg with a closed-mouth grin, letting me know he knew he was pushing it.
“Why do you give a shit?”
His shoulder lifted and fell. “Because you love her, and she’s perfect for you.”
Then our third baseman hit a pop-fly, which was caught and it ended the game. We both watched, and as soon as it was over, I wasn’t sure what to say.
I did love her, and we could have been perfect for each other, but if she shut me out again—something she was totally capable of—it would be like throwing my fucking heart in front of a Louisville Slugger with Babe Ruth up to bat.
He sorted the laces on his Chucks.
I guessed he wasn’t staying, so I flipped the television off, but didn’t feel like getting up until my beer was empty.
Trevor ran his finger around the heel of his shoe and shoved his foot down into it, shaking the floor.
“She didn’t act mad when I saw her last weekend.” He looked like his dad at eighteen when he lifted his head. Skinny and mouthy. “She looked upset, you dipshit.”
He sounded like his dad too.
Sleep didn’t come to me. It could have been because I tried to go to bed at nine on a Saturday. Or it could have been my racing mind and how the word upset echoed, bouncing off images of what that might look like.
I was restless, and I just plain old fucking missed everything about her.
Finally, I slapped around on the nightstand for my phone and then opened Facebook. I’d check and see what she’d been up to, and it felt reminiscent of the first night I checked her out in my kitchen, but I needed to see for myself if Trevor was exaggerating.
Then again, he was a man in a long-term, loving, committed relationship and I was the one masturbating about twice a day at the age of thirty-two.
You tell me who really had their shit together.
I searched her name, and when Dana’s page popped up, it was the first I’d seen her face in a long time—aside from every other time I’d blinked. Her profile picture was the same as it had been. She was laughing, her smile wide and her eyes just as blue as I remembered. All her long, red hair pulled to one side. Her chin tipped up. It was a really great picture.
With my eyes closed, I could almost smell her skin.
I scrolled down her wall, and the only thing that had been posted, since the wedding, was a picture of her and Bridget from Reuben’s office. Dana’s smile looked forced and somewhat painful. And after speaking to Bridget, for a few minutes myself at the wedding, I could only imagine what Dana had gone through.
“Are you here alone tonight, Cord? Because I am.”
“Actually, I’m here with the knockout you were just talking to, and I’m in love with her. You are a great girl, but you’re not the one. She is.”
I went to our old message thread, scrolled to the top, and then read down from the beginning. Annoyed that even the first time I reached out to her, I was holding back.
When I got to the bottom, to the last thumb and K, a text bubble appeared with the bouncing ellipses.
Had that been there when I opened the message?
I couldn’t remember, which gave me hope because it wasn’t just that she’d started to type something some other time and just quit. She was there. My stomach growled as I kicked the covers away, sat up in bed, and turned on the lamp.
Come on. Dana. Say something.
The ellipses disappeared, but I kept staring until they came back.
Hit send, baby.
If she was upset and trying to contact me, shouldn’t I help her?
Had I not learned anything?
What could I say? If I apologized, where would I start? It wasn’t just the one huge mistake I’d made, it was also hundreds of small ones.
I wasn’t making any fucking more.
ME: I’d like to see you.
I’d used the word like loosely, but I waited. Expecting her to come back with something. Expecting no reply at all.
Then, after about five minutes, she responded.
DANA: Really?
Jesus. It felt like getting air for the first time in weeks.
ME: Can I come over?
I could have had my shoes on and been at her house in a matter of minutes. I’d told Trevor that I was mad, but that was all gone. I didn’t feel mad in the least. The only thing that registered was sweet, sweet relief.
DANA: I’m not home.
My phone said it was just after midnight.
ME: Where are you? I’ll come get you.
DANA: I’m at the Waffle House.
Everything about that sounded good. I was starving in so many ways.
ME: I’ll be right there.
Dana sent me the most beautiful fucking thumb emoji I’d ever seen. It was funny, I didn’t hate them anymore. Not even a little.
ME: K
I didn’t speed on the ride.
Okay, fuck it. I did.
I threw my truck in park in front of the black and yellow building, only then realizing I looked like hell. Quickly, I gave myself a look in the rearview.
Christ. It wasn’t good.
Beard. Weird sunglasses tan line across my face. Badly in need of a haircut. Hell, I was wearing my Royals shirt, even though it didn’t do shit for their game earlier that day. Maybe it would bring me better luck with her.
I gave my head a few swift pats, to at least tame my hair a little, but gave up. She was inside, and we were going to talk, and that’s all that fucking mattered.
I searched for her even before I came through the door, finding her in my booth.
When I entered the narrow diner, it took two glances for Calvie-Jay to recognize it was me. His face said it all as he rolled his eyes and pointed down the counter, already knowing where I was headed.
“If you’re coming in here to cry too, I’m kicking you both out. Poor girl’s been here every night this week. Bunch of sad saps. This is a breakfast place, for Pete’s sake. Cheer her up, Cordy.”
I gave her a closer look, while I waited to get around an old couple who were making their way out. She was wearing her glasses. Her hair was sticking out all over the place, and big red chunks of it hung out of a bun on her head. It looked like she’d just woken up.
She had my Royals shirt on and her purple sweats.
As I approached the table, I didn’t think I’d ever seen something so beautifully wrecked. I hated that she looked so sad and broken, but, if she’d let me, I’d fix it.
I took a seat on the same side of the tiny booth as I had the night we came there together.
Behind her big black frames were two puffy blue eyes. Her bottom lip was pinched between her teeth and her chin twitched when she said, “You look like shit.”
I grinned and scratched my furry face. “So do you.”
Calvie-Jay came by and refilled her coffee, left me a full mug, and hauled off the extra one she’d gotten to start with.
“I got a thank you card in the mail from Becca and Reuben today for the present we got them together. They loved the boat ride you set up on the island for them.”
Shit. I’d forgotten that I’d done that, and I hadn’t checked my mail for three fucking days.
“Before you go any further, I’m sorry …”
“No. Wait.” Her voice cracked, and then she took a sip of her coffee. “Don’t apologize. I should be the one to apologize.” She slumped and looked adorably embarrassed as she tried to smile. “I feel awful; I was so dumb. And now I’m this mess.”
She shrugged, and, as her thumb slipped behind her frames, she swiped a tear away when it headed down her cheek.
I did not like watching her cry. Not a single fucking bit.
I sat up straighter to say something, but she lifted her hand for me to wait.
“I’ll listen to anything you want to say—in a second—if that’s okay. I just really need to get this out.”
She looked down at the table where her finger was tracing circles on the laminate top. Lifting my hand from where I’d been fidgeting under the table, I brought it close to hers, wanting to touch her, but I didn’t know if it was the right time. Or if I was just selfish. So I didn’t move but didn’t touch her either.
I wanted to kiss it so badly.
“I owe it to you to start from the beginning.” Her cheeks puffed out as she exhaled through her partly closed lips. “I used to think if I dated attractive men, who didn’t require anything from me in terms of emotions or anything serious, that I’d never have to deal with them hurting me. That I’d never get my heart broken. That I’d never have to feel like this.”
Calvie stepped up to us, and she held a finger up to him. “Can we have a few more minutes?” She smiled sweetly up at him. “Please?”
It was shocking, but he didn’t give her any grief or tease her like I’d seen him do to almost everyone, every time I’d been in there. He simply turned around and hollered, “Mark order scrambled plate,” which I knew from experience didn’t have anything to do with us.
After another sip, she continued. “So then, just before I met you, I realized I was alone and not just that, but I was lonely. Ready to find someone who was my someone. You know? And I was so stupid because I thought I had you pegged. I thought since you were successful and sexy and said all of the right things that you were like all the guys I dated before you.”
She covered her chest, and I wanted to hold her.
“Cord, I was so, so wrong. But I wanted you so badly, and I convinced myself that you could be my last hoorah. It never even crossed my mind—the possibility of anything more than something casual—with you. I couldn’t let myself believe it.” Her finger snuck over to my knuckles, and she tapped me as she added, “Because you’re a little too good to be true.”
She’d never been that vulnerable in front of me, and there she was spilling her guts with strangers on every side.
“Dana, we don’t have to do this here.”
Her posture straightened. “I have to do it right now.”
Fine. If that was what she needed, fine. But I grabbed her hand and held it over the table because I couldn’t stand being disconnected from her for another second. And then, because it felt so natural, I hinged forward and pressed my lips to her palm.
After clearing her throat above me, she said, “I wasn’t fair to you. You were never anything but kind and generous and fun and sweet, but I didn’t believe it.”
All the blame didn’t belong to her.
“Dana, I should have never told Reuben I’d leave you alone, not when I knew I couldn’t. I should have let everyone see how much you meant to me—all the time. I should have let you know—all the time. I fucked up.”
“I wish we could start over.”
Fuck. Is this really happening?
“Who’s stopping us?”
“Nobody.”
“Well, fuck it, baby.” Then I stopped, knowing what I’d done. “Just fuck it. I don’t care who knows. I’m so fucking into you. We can do it. We can start over.”
Her smile lit the world and she slumped, exhaled, and laughed with tear falling down her face.
“Really?”
“Really.”
I squeezed her hand, and then she bent forward, pulled our connected fingers closer and kissed my knuckles.
“All right then. I guess there are some things I should let you know upfront. I’m new to relationships, and I eat popcorn in bed. I’m a total cunt in the morning, and sometimes I pee with the door open. I love rum and gangster rap—not necessarily in that order. I have a terrible temper, and sometimes I’m mad for no good reason. And I always cross my fingers when I lie—so watch for that.” Her beautiful fucking lips pinched to the side as she thought and my stomach growled again.
“I’ve never said anything to you that I didn’t mean. You have to know that I’m so fucking in love with you that it’s stupid. Dana, you have to believe it.”
“That’s so romantic.” She coughed and laughed, and it sounded good.
“No. You have to say that you know I love you and you believe it.” I was teasing her, but I wasn’t going to quit until I heard the words.
“I’ll say it, but only because I owe you one.”
Calvie-Jay walked back up and shook his head as he demanded, “You better be ready to order. I ain’t got all night.”
She looked up at him and sassed. “Talk about customer service.”
He gawked. “Oh, girl, who are you talking to?”
“I’m talking to you.” Her deep blue eyes looked through her dirty glasses straight into mine. “Do you trust me?”
“Yep.”
“We’ll take two waffles, and this time they’re both all the way.”
“Oh, my God,” Calvie-Jay howled. “She’s lost her mind too.”
Dana stood and stepped closer, I turned in the tiny seat, and she stopped between my legs. “So, I kind of lied when I said I didn’t like it that first night.”
There she was, my whole world. What a lovely little liar. “I had my suspicions.”
Her face leveled out, and most of the joking left. Her fingers ran over both sides of my rough cheeks, and she grimaced, but then her eyes met mine. “I know you love me, and I love you back.”
When she leaned down to kiss me, my hand ran up the back of her leg to that sweet ass of hers.
Fuck half-way.
I stood so that I could hold onto her with both hands, and I picked her up in the middle of the tiny diner. I was never letting her go again. I would never again care who watched me give her affection. I’d never let anyone or anything stop me from giving her all of myself.
She pulled back a fraction. “There I said it, and my fingers weren’t crossed—so you know I meant it. Now you owe me back.”
“Oh, I’ll get you back,” I paused before I called her another a pet name and ruined the moment. I wasn’t ready to chance it yet.
“Cord, you can call me anything you want. Especially yours.”