Chapter Twelve
I drove out of town again- this time, further than I’d been in months, maybe even years. I didn’t make much of an effort to leave Kingstown- why would I, when everything I’d ever wanted was right here where I needed it? But I needed to escape. I needed to remind myself that there was an existence beyond the corners of this place- just like Emily had done.
Her words were pulsing around my brain. How could she just up and leave like that? Even though it scared her? Even though it met her boyfriend would dump her? The thought of leaving coach was hard enough, let alone dumping all my friends, my family, my partner just to pursue some dream.
A dream. There was a word I hadn’t used yet- but I knew it was an accurate one. The chance to go play with the Soars, that was the kind of thing I would lie in bed and fantasise about when I was a teenager- well, that and Kate Upton, but you get the idea. I thought about triumphantly leaving Kingstown, about proving my parents wrong, about going all the way to Philadelphia and making a new life there, one that I could be proud of. And it had all seemed so obvious back then. I hadn’t considered what it would take for me to get to that point. I guessed I would just be handed everything I wanted without building any kind of friendship, any kind of fondness for this place, and then skip out without a second thought. In reality, though, it wasn’t that easy.
What was it Emily had said? She had told me that she wasn’t going to get anywhere by sitting around in what she was comfortable with. And I knew what she meant. Every time I had grown up by another little increment, it had been because I’d forced myself to do something I didn’t want to do. Leaving my parent’s house, finding my own place, fighting for my spot on the team- none of these things I would have chosen if I’d had the choice, but, as it turned out, they helped toughen me up. Harden me. Turn me into the kind of person that I was today.
The roads were clear- it was early enough in the day that the rush-hour traffic hadn’t really begun yet, and I was enjoying the peace and the solitude the miles of empty freeway were offering me. If I left here, it would be all go, all the time- I’d visited a few cities in my day, passing through on my way to see friends in other towns, and the sheer speed of everything there was intimidating. Emily must have found life in Kingstown so utterly boring in comparison to what she’d known before- maybe she thought of me in the same breath, a small-town boy from a small-town team who refused to take the chance to go anywhere or do anything that wasn’t guaranteed for him.
That stung- I didn’t like to think of her considering me like that, as part of this little, back-end town, a go-nowhere, do-nothing jerk. Maybe I was nothing more than a rebound bit of fun to her, a way to get over her ex. I stared out at the road, half-blank, and wondered if she was thinking at me at that very moment. And if she wasn’t…why was I thinking about her?
It was just that she was different. That was the main thing. She was so far removed from every other person in this town- not just the women I’d hooked up with over the years, but everyone. She did what she wanted, was rebellious, got out when she wanted to and refused to look back or regret her decision. She was chasing a story, and nothing was going to keep her from getting it- not me, not the pain etched on her face when she talked about the past, nothing. And I couldn’t help but I respect her for that- and wonder if she was the person I should be listening to when it came to making a decision like this one.
I spotted a sign for a diner at the next exit, and I felt my stomach rumble- fuck, I was starving. I took the turning and pulled to a halt in the parking lot, stepping out of the car and heading inside to grab something to eat.
I had a vague memory of being here before. Maybe on the way back from a family visit, when I was a kid? I seemed to remember the counters being higher, and my Dad being there, ordering some food for us before we climbed back into the car and headed home. God, was there anywhere I hadn’t been around Kingstown?
I ordered a coffee and some chicken and waffles, and slid into a small booth attached to the all of the diner. It was quiet- there were only a handful of teen girls picking at their fries and milkshakes, and a guy around my age sitting at the counter. I noticed that the guy was looking at me, narrowing his eyes as though he was trying to remind himself where he’d seen me before. I briefly met his gaze, and felt a jolt of recognition- but I couldn’t place him. Probably just some guy I’d seen around town over the years, no big deal. I turned to the window and stared outside as the sun rapidly sank behind the horizon, the light turning dusky over the parking lot.
I sensed someone approaching my table, and turned around with a smile on my face, hoping that my food had arrived. Instead, I found myself faced with the guy who’d been sitting at the counter and watching me a few moments ago.
“Hello?” I offered him a greeting, and a big grin spread out over his face as he seemed to finally figure out where he’d seen me before.
“Shit, man, it is you!” He exclaimed, loud enough that the waitress behind the counter turned to see what the commotion was. “I knew I recognized you from somewhere!”
“Uh…?” I managed, and he shook his head, trying to reel himself in.
“Sorry, you probably have no idea who I am,” he apologised. “I’ve been following the Crows for a whole season-it just took me a minute to recognize you outside of the helmet and everything.”
“Oh!” I blinked up at him, surprised- I was used to getting recognized once in a while, but not this far out of town. “Good to meet you.”
“Aw, man, this is awesome!” he shook his head again, apparently in disbelief. “Can I get a picture with you? My girlfriend’s going to be so jealous.”
“Uh, go ahead,” I managed, standing up so we would be on the same level. I appreciated his support, but I just wanted to be left alone to eat my dinner in peace. He pulled out his phone, slung his arm around my shoulder, and snapped a shot of us.
“Thanks, man!” He stuck his hand out to me, and I shook it. “Good luck with the rest of the season!”
“Thanks,” I nodded politely, and watched as he went back to his seat, raising his eyebrows and already on his phone again, probably texting the picture to his friends. Well, I guess I’d made his day.
I sat down again, and before I knew it, the waitress had arrived back with my food.
“You’re that guy from the hockey team, right?” She remarked excitedly, looking down at me as though she was trying to convince herself that she’d seen me before.
“Uh, yeah, that’s right,” I agreed, eyeing the food in her hands and urging her silently to just put it down so I could eat.
“Then this is on the house,” she grinned broadly, and placed the food down in front of me. “Chef insists.”
“No, please, I couldn’t do that-“ I tried to insist, but she held her hand up, silencing me.
“He won’t take no for an answer,” she raised her eyebrows at me, as if daring me to say anything different.
“Okay, thank you,” I nodded at her thankfully, and turned my attention to my food, hoping she would take the hint and give me some peace to eat. She paused for a moment, hovering for another second or two as though hoping I might talk some more, and then left.
I tucked in, eating hungrily and quickly and all too aware of the eyes on me as I went to town on my food. The discomfort was palpable- I had never noticed it before, how uncomfortable it was for me to sit here under the watchful eyes of all these people who had opinions on me and what I did and where I was going and what I wanted to do. Even though they probably thought of me as nothing more than some mild local celebrity, it still stripped away what little privacy I had.
I finished up, and left a twenty-dollar note tucked under my plate and hoped that they would at least accept it as a tip. I really didn’t feel as though I deserved any of this.
As I climbed back into my car, I sighed, and started the ignition. I still hadn’t made a decision, and this little excursion out of town hadn’t helped. It had only underlined what my life would be like if I stayed, and I wasn’t sure that was doing me much good. I pulled out on to the road, and found myself faced with miles of traffic backed up halfway along the freeway.