Chapter Ten
“Yeah, I guess so,” I replied. She looked so gorgeous, lying next to me on the bed like that- her hair was messy, her cheeks flushed, her eyes at the same time bright and totally relaxed.
“I don’t think I mind too much,” she admitted playfully, and I nodded, turning to lie on my back and stare at the ceiling.
“Yeah, I think we can let it slide for now.”
There was a pause, and she propped herself up on her elbows and looked at me with a smile on her face. After a second or so, I met her gaze.
“What is it?” I demanded, letting one hand fall lazily on her lower back, just after her perfect ass. It was tempting to let my fingers roam further, but I fought the urge- I didn’t want to be sore for training tomorrow.
“You’ve not got out of answering those questions, you know,” she commented. I furrowed my brow.
“What do you mean?”
“I know why you kissed me back there,” she nodded over her shoulder, in the direction of the coffee shop. “You didn’t want to have to think about any of the stuff I was asking you about.”
“Uh, that wasn’t it,” I sat up, pulling my hand back from her. What kind of bullshit pillow talk was this? Did she really think this is what I wanted to be talking about right now?
“It’s cool if it was,” her eyes glinted with amusement. “Maybe I should ask you more tough questions, let you distract me again.”
“Maybe I just don’t want to tell you everything about my life knowing you’re going to go print it in your magazine as soon as you get the chance,” I muttered, and swung my legs out of bed. I started grabbing my clothes and getting dressed, and Emily sat up, her brow furrowed.
“Hey, I was just kidding,” she protested, but I didn’t want to hear it.
“Whatever,” I snapped. “I should probably go.”
“I don’t mind if you stay the night,” she offered, but I shook my head, already checking in my pocket for my car keys.
“I should get home,” I muttered. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow, I guess,” Emily replied, and I could hear the surprise and annoyance in her voice. I ignored it, opened the door, and headed out on to the street.
As soon as I got to my car, I grabbed the wheel and stared down at my hands. What the hell had I been thinking, coming here? How the hell did I think this was going to end? I mean, she was cool- I liked her well enough, and I couldn’t deny that we had insane chemistry. But she was...there for a reason, and it wasn’t just because of me. She had a story to come up with, characters to create, and every minute we spent together she was likely doing that inside her head. It was an offputting thought, one that I did my best to put to the back of my mind whenever I could. But the way she spoke to me then…as though she had a grip on me and was proud of it. Maybe I was so put out because I knew she was right, and the thought of someone who barely knew me getting me in that way was scary. Or maybe it was just because I didn’t want another person examining my motivations and my reasoning and everything that came with it. I just wanted to be left alone- was that so much to ask? Apparently so.
I drove fast all the way back to my apartment, glad that there was no-one else on the roads for me to piss off. I wondered how fast the gossip would have spread about this night, about the kiss we shared in the coffee shop, about us staggering back to her apartment with our hands all over each other. Had she only done it in the hopes of getting something for her story? An image of her on top of me, coming, flashed through my brain- no, you couldn’t fake that kind of slack-jawed, eye-rolling pleasure, no matter how dedicated a journalist you were. There was something between us, it was just all messed up in a pile of motivations that neither of us seemed to be able to sort out.
So, what now? I would have to avoid her. I didn’t want anything more to do with her beyond what was required from me. I would give her everything she needed to write the story, and that would be the end of that. I wasn’t required to do anything beyond being precisely pleasant to her and nothing more, and that’s what I would do. Johnson likely wouldn’t be too happy with me- he said I had trouble keeping it in my pants at the best of times, and he was probably right- but he would have to deal with it. Besides, I was done- no more Emily for me, no more anything. Because she seemed to understand me too vividly, maybe just as a character in her story, but still- it was unnerving, and I didn’t like how close she felt to me. How much she seemed to know me. And how she already had some kind of opinion on what I should be doing with my future.
I found myself driving out of town, even though it was already late and I should have been heading back to my apartment to get a good night’s sleep; I wasn’t even thinking when I took the left and turned down the road towards the spot by the river I used to go to in high school. Before I knew it, I was there- next to the bridge, the old rocks we used to hang out on still there even after all this time. I climbed out of the car and looked around, as if I half-expected a bunch of teens smuggling a covert six-pack to appear at any second. But nothing-it was just me, here down by the river, alone. The only sound once I turned my engine off was that of the river trickling quietly below me. I scrambled down the bank and sat myself down in the spot I’d had my first beer at, and looked down at the water below me, trying to calm myself.
Could I really leave this place behind? If I left, all this- all these memories-wouldn’t be just a car ride out of town. They would be half a country away. None of this would be easy to come to. I would have to make an effort to see my parents, my friends, my old teammates. And I would have to start over. That was the scariest part. Everyone knew me here. Going out to Philadelphia, everything would start over again- I would have to prove myself, have to make myself known once more.
And what if I failed? There was no guarantee that it wouldn’t happen. That was what struck fear into me the most- if I left all this behind, it would be to great fanfare- there would be no sneaking out in the middle of the night, no getting away without people noticing. Everyone would wish me the best- and what if I couldn’t deliver on that? What if I had to come slinking back a few months later having completely fucking it up? What if I simply wasn’t good enough? I was good enough for the Crows, but there was nothing to guarantee that that would carry over to the big leagues.
I dragged myself back to my feet and let out a sigh. Part of me- most of me- wished that I’d never gotten this chance in the first place, that coach had just dismissed the agent and told him to forget it, I never would have had to make this decision. Yeah, I would have missed out on the chance to get out of here- but I would have been able to avoid everything that came with the choice.
I made my way back over to the car, climbed in, and sat behind the wheel for a few minutes. I wasn’t sure how long I was sitting there; I didn’t really care. It was the first time that I had really given the decision any thought. Up until then, I had been hiding it from people, keeping it to myself, ignoring the fact that it even existed. But now that it was out there- now that Emily knew about it- I had people to be accountable to. And that was…off-putting. I could feel the pressure pushing down on my shoulders, so hard that it ached. Because there was no way to ignore this- and I honestly had no idea what I was meant to do.
As I began to drive, I thought back to when I made a decision about going to college- or not, in my case. And, well, how it hadn’t felt like a decision at all, because there was only one answer to that question for me. It was easy, obvious. But what were you meant to do when you had pros and cons on both sides of the equation? Why wasn’t there an answer that revealed itself to me? I felt like, by now, I should know either way, but I still had one foot in the Crows and one foot in the Soars.
I arrived back at my apartment and headed up to my bedroom, going slow so I didn’t wake anyone up. It was late by the time I crawled into bed, too late, but I didn’t care. I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight anyway.