The sound of thunder crashed around us. The dark room felt small, like there was no escape. My lungs began to ache, crying out for oxygen, but I dared not breathe.

Alan’s soft lips pulled away from mine and every one of my instincts screamed at me to run. I had been fighting my desire for Alan for months, and now here he was in my arms, wanting me, just as badly.

The candle light flickered, illuminating the soft shadows of his face. In that moment, reality seemed to slip away and I couldn’t fight it anymore. Every voice in my head fell silent. The walls that I’d been building for so long came crumbling down all at once, and there was nothing left to do but kiss him.

I ran my hands up his spine. His body seemed extra delicate in the dark. My head clouded with need as I grabbed the back of his thighs and lifted him up, his legs wrapping around my waist.

“Maybe somewhere more comfortable?” he murmured, his lips brushing against my cheek.

Right. We were still in the kitchen. Simon was asleep on the couch. I started walking. His hands dragged through my hair as I carried him to my old bedroom. The small of his back arched as he pressed his cock against my abs. I had known all this time that I wanted to protect Alan, but it wasn’t until this moment that I that I simply wanted him.

Lightning and thunder crashed above the house in the same moment, and Alan pressed his body harder against mine; it was as if the closer we were, the safer he would be from the raging storm that brewed outside. It was as if he didn’t sense the danger of the storm that raged inside me.

Other than the flashes of lightning, it was still dark. I could only see his body through the exploration of my fingers. I was careful to touch him softly, he was so fragile the smallest movement felt exaggerated with my strength. I placed him on the bed gently, our lips still dancing, our tongues intertwining.

The moment Alan touched the bed, he pulled me down on top of him unexpectedly. I lost my footing and fell onto the mattress, forcing myself to fall to the side so I didn’t crush him. Without giving me a moment to think, he climbed on top of me and unbuckled my pants.

He didn’t take the time to peel my pants away. His hand dove into my boxers and drew out my cock. His warm lips wrapped around me and he began to suck me slowly. His lips slid up and down in a smooth, motion, his small mouth tight around me. His bold movements left me no time to think, all I could do was feel the rhythm of his movements; up and down, in and out, driving me mad with the sensation of his tongue twisting around my cock.

He lifted his head, leaving me throbbing for more, and finished undressing me before sitting on top of me, his thighs tight against my ribs. I drew my hand down the front of his chest to his abs, exploring him, slipping my hand underneath him and fingering him gently.

He was so tight, so responsive. My imagination stirred as I pictured myself inside him, becoming one with him, being as close as two men could be and I couldn’t wait any longer. I lifted his tiny hips and placed them above me; he was so small, so easy to move. The moment he was above me, ready and in position, I slipped inside him.

“Jeremy,” he moaned. My name on his lips, drawn out with his pleasure, was the most glorious thing I’d ever heard, and I wanted to make him say it again and again until his voice was gone and he had passed out from ecstasy.

His legs felt slim and dainty as I grabbed onto them to steady him on top of me. His warm walls contracted against my hard cock as he moved up and down, riding me to his own rhythm. His hands hovered over my chest, grazing my skin on the downward motion of each thrust. Each touch, each tease seemed a promise of something more, something I didn’t dare name.

The rhythm increased, and it wasn’t Alan’s rhythm anymore, and it wasn’t mine. It was a creature of its own, driving us as one. I started to lose control, thrusting deeper and harder, chasing the moment of completion, of unity. He made soft, unconscious cries of yes and right there and fuck, sending a tingling sensation through my entire body, until it was I’m going to come.

I lost complete control.

Euphoria ran through my body, tingling in my fingers and toes, my body surging, exploding like a volcano, an endless gush of joy and passion, burning away my worries and fears, leaving just me and him.

Alan collapsed on top of me of for several moments before slipping to the side and curling up beside me. The lights were still out, and I was careful not to crush him with my arm as I wrapped it around his body. He nestled his head into my chest. He felt warm and cozy cuddled next to me.

“Alan?” I shook his arm, feeling him drifting away to sleep. My worries were returning, and I realized that with the unexpected explosion of what had just happened between us, I hadn’t even taken a second to think about precautions. “I didn’t use a condom.”

“Don’t worry.” He ran his hand across my bare chest. “I’ve been taking suppressants ever since Simon was born.”

A wave of relief still rushed through me. I should have been more careful, but I’d been too caught up in the moment. The way he kissed me made me forget my fears, forget the danger.

Alan nestled his head against my chest once again. I drifted into a state of relaxation, not quite awake, not quite asleep until the buzz of returning electricity filled the house, from silence to a low, persistent hum. The lights illuminated the tiny bedroom and chased away the dreamland I’d been inhabiting. In the harsh light, I couldn’t ignore what I had just done.

Alan seemed undisturbed by the lights, curled comfortably on top of my chest. He seemed okay, but how could I have been so careless? Not just the condom, but everything. I had thrown caution to the wind in the heat of the moment and I could see the evidence of our reckless behaviour in the articles of the clothing that were tossed around the room.

I had fucked up.

I slid Alan to the center of the bed and rolled away.

He looked up sleepily. “Huh? Oh, the power is back.” He smiled, his pureness making pain shoot through my chest.

I found most of my clothes and pulled on my jeans and t-shirt. The boxers would just have to stay. I couldn’t take another minute to look for them.

I’d had a weak moment, giving into my desires. But it changed nothing. This could only end one way: me hurting Alan. And it was better to get it over sooner, before our hearts really got involved.

“I’m sorry, Alan.” Thankfully, my keys were still in my pocket when I reached for them. “I’m sorry… but this… it can’t, it won’t happen again.”

Alan starred up at me and only blinked, processing what I had said. I couldn’t face him, face what had just happened. I looked away before he had a chance to react.

Hating myself, I stepped out the bedroom door, leaving Alan to himself. I cursed myself over and over as I made my way to the front door. How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so negligent and ignored all my concerns? I could never be with Alan. I wasn’t meant to have a family.

As I reached the front door I saw Simon sit up and rub his eyes sleepily.

I paused, Alan behind me in the bedroom and Simon in front of me. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to acknowledge my unspoken dream. I wanted this. I wanted them. To be a husband. A father. My heart ached at the impossibility, even as my mind tortured me with images of things that couldn’t be: us enjoying family dinner, laughing at an amusement park, tucking Simon in before bed.

A door shut behind me and I whirled around. Alan. He’d thrown on a pair of sweats and stood at the entrance to the living room, looking vulnerable, tears clouding his eyes. Questions and hurt were written all over his face. Just like that, the dream that had been teasing me vanished, popped like a balloon. The expression that Alan wore now was an expression I never wanted to see again.

A lump grew in my throat as I looked at Alan and Simon one last time. I felt sick with regret as I stepped out the front door. I swung my leg over my motorcycle, ignoring the fact that my seat was soaked, that it was still softly raining, that I’d left my jacket. The roar of my bike did nothing to obliterate the litany of berating voices in my head. I wished I could go back and be with them—as a family.

I couldn’t. I could only cause them pain, just like I had tonight.