It’s been two months since I first took Dee home with me. Two months of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Two months, and I still don’t feel like she’s opened up once. I can see the war behind her eyes. She wants to want me, to want us, but it’s almost as if she’s afraid to let go of whatever fear I still see dancing behind her eyes. It’s not as strong as it was when I first met her, but it’s still there, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve given into her whole ‘this will only be sex’ bullshit, because honestly, I never thought she would be so bullheaded about it. I think I’m an okay guy. I still call my mom every Sunday to check in, and my little sisters say I would make the best boyfriend. Some crap about how being raised by women means that there is no way I can screw a relationship up.
Never, not once, in my thirty-two years have I craved a woman the way I crave Denise Roberts. She gets under my skin like no other. She walks into the room, and I want to be near her. If one of the guys talks to her, I want to gut them, skin them, and maybe even behead them. She laughs, not one of those fake as hell ones she always gives Izzy and Greg, but the soul expressing belly laugh that she only gives me when we are alone. I’m near her, and the only thing I want is to claim her, make her mine, and let everyone around us know.
It’s not for lack of trying that I haven’t been able to break down her walls. I can see past it all. The happiness that doesn’t touch her eyes. Those moments when we’re out as a group and she looks like her world has crashed. The times that she sees a happy couple strolling down the street, and immediately, her face is full of deep longing. I just don’t understand why. I can tell, deep down, that she wants someone to hold her hand through life, but damn if she’ll let anyone do it.
There isn’t even any doubt in my mind. She’s worth sticking this out for and finding the diamond hidden beneath all the dirt.
Now, here we are after two months of constant companionship, almost nightly sex, and just about everything else a ‘couple’ does without the label. I’ve tried. She knows where I stand, but she is firm. She wants all the exclusiveness without the title. To her, there will never be an ‘us’, and if I’m not happy sharing her bed, then I can take a hike.
It’s those moments when I want to wring her fucking neck.
“Still chasing after the uncatchable, huh?” I look away from where Dee is standing with Izzy, her head thrown back in laughter, and her rich brown hair falling in curls down her back. Her jeans tightly hug her ass, begging for my hands, and her tits are about to burst through the thin material of her tee. Jesus, how pathetic am I?
“I’m not chasing.”
Maddox raises his brow. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he knows I’m full of shit. Even to my own ears, it sounds like a lie, because chasing is exactly what I’m doing.
“Right. And how’s that working out for you?” He takes a pull of his beer, glancing around the room before his dark eyes return to me.
I don’t say anything because really, what is there to say? I look around the room, trying to find a distraction. “What do you think about that?” I point my beer towards where Axel is sitting on the couch.
“Don’t know. Shit doesn’t make sense, though.” And with that, he gets up and moves over to the couch, turning his attention back to the game.
At least I’m not the only one in relationship limbo. Fuck, I sound like a damn chick. Relationship limbo? My sisters would have a field day with that one. Dee saunters back into the room and drops her fine ass right in my lap. It takes everything in me not to throw her down on the floor and claim what’s mine. Rip her clothes off and ram my dick so far into her warm, wet body that she won’t be able to walk for weeks. I grunt and try to adjust my erection, only to get a giggle from Dee when she realizes what she’s done to me.
“Need some help there, Big Boy?”
Her warm breath against my ear only causes me to get even harder. Painfully hard.
“Don’t tease me unless you want an audience when I fuck you.” My words come out harsher than I meant, and her eyes widen before filling with the same desire that’s coursing through my veins.
“Later, I promise.” She leans in and whispers, her lips against mine before laying her head against my shoulder, and turning her attention to the football game.
It’s moments like this that remind me why I’m fighting so hard to make this girl mine. She’s close; I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me. She looks at me like I’m sure I look at her. As if just being around each other makes the world a little easier. I sigh and pull her tighter against my arms, just enjoying the moment.
I’m not sure how much time has passed when the doorbell chimes. Dee and I have been so wrapped in our bubble with the lust turned up high that we’ve been pretty much ignoring everyone. Dee goes to get off my lap and answer the door but Izzy waves her off.
The events that follow will forever replay in my mind. Izzy had been gone for a few minutes before all hell breaks loose and complete chaos erupts around us. When we all make it to the porch, and see the state that Izzy is in it is like living a nightmare. Having someone attack her right under our noses doesn’t sit well with any of us, but amidst the insanity that follows, I can’t do anything but watch as my girl slips a little further away. By the time the ambulance arrives she has crawled so far into herself that I doubt I’ll ever get her to turn it back around.
I hold her while she tries her hardest to keep it together for Izzy, and it breaks a little piece of me. I would give anything to take this from her, but I know she won’t let me.
“It’s okay, Dee. We’ll leave now and meet them at the hospital. Axel won’t let anything happen to her.” She doesn’t move for the longest time, so I repeat myself. Once my words finally filter through her haze, she jumps.
“I need to be with her, Beck. She needs me.” Her eyes are frantic, but her tone is deadly calm. It’s almost as if she’s trained herself how to act. I narrow my eyes at her, watching her take in everything. Her eyes keep sweeping around the room as if waiting for another threat. What the hell is going on here?
“All right, Wildcat. Let’s get the truck, and we can drive them.” She doesn’t seem to hear me so I try again. “Come on, Dee. Axel has Izzy, see? He told the EMT that he was taking her, so let’s go get in the truck, and we can drive them. Okay?” She nods but continues to look around in her manic way. I keep my arm tight around her, and call out to Axel to follow us to the truck, and just like that, Dee seems to relax. Not much, but it’s something.
****
We make it to the hospital in record time. Axel still refuses to leave Izzy’s side, and Dee is in no shape to take over care, so after telling the staff he’s her fiancé they don’t give us any issues about him staying with her. Coop and Maddox sit silently in the waiting room while Greg paces in tight rotations around the room. Doesn’t take a leap to see how upset he is.
I’m more worried about Dee. She hasn’t stopped shaking since we left her house. Her hands are literally vibrating with nervous energy. Her eyes are still crazy, and every few minutes, she lifts her head up from where she’s been staring at her lap and takes in every single square inch of the room. She then drops her chin back to her chest and watches her hands fidget once again. She’s shutting down, and I have no clue how to stop it from happening.
“Let’s go get something to eat, all right?” I speak softly, but she practically jumps out of her seat. Her hands fly up to her mouth, and her eyes do another sweep of the room. “I’ve got you, Dee. I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you.” She still won’t stop her worried gaze around the room. I try to calm her down by whispering reassuring words, but she can’t calm herself down. I’m about to open my mouth to try again when Maddox steps in front of where she’s sitting. I raise my head and give him a questioning look, waiting to see what he’s up to.
“Let’s go. Now.” Even though I knew he was about to speak, Maddox’s biting tone has me instantly on edge. Who the hell does he think he is, talking to my woman like that? But to my dismay, Dee stops her crazy eyes and takes his outstretched hand. I sit here in disbelief as a man close enough to be my brother, and the woman I’m close to falling in love with, just walk right out the door.
What the hell just happened here?
I can’t stop the chills. This fear that Brandon’s attack on Izzy has brought on. That he was even able to get that close to Izzy. That close to me. My whole body feels like a jackhammer, violently shaking. I’ve never known fear like the kind that Brandon-fucking-Hunter can induce in me. And the worst part, I can’t talk about it. Izzy has no clue, and Greg is so worried about Izzy’s mental stability that he remains pretty blinded to the rest of the world around him. I’m trapped in my own personal hell with no chance of escaping. It’s been so long since I felt this darkness closing in on me that I can’t figure out how to push it back.
It’s better this way. I remind myself. Izzy has too much going on right now, and even before now, there has never been a good time to tell her what he did to me. I’ve kept it locked inside, and hidden it behind my mask.
Goddammit. I’m so sick of this. I thought all this Brandon shit was behind us, and then bam, he’s right back in our faces like some bad venereal disease. Just when I’m ready to tell Beck that I’m ready to try. For the first time in my life, I’m ready to trust a man, and then like a reminder from hell, stone-cold reality smacks me in the face.
Now, it doesn’t matter what I do. I can’t separate all the bad runs I’ve had in the past with men, and most importantly, what Brandon did to me when I was just a fresh-faced, college student trying to make Izzy’s life a better place. All the amazing moments that Beck and I have shared over the last few months seem to vanish when the shadows pull me back under water.
Beck might seem perfect. He might act perfect. Hell, he might BE perfect. But that means nothing in the long run. I’ve never met a man that could have a relationship without it turning sour eventually. I’ve been a revolving door for assholes my entire life. It isn’t a stretch that all of my ‘man issues’ start and end with my father. Try as I might, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s just impossible for me to have love.
I’m pretty sure that Beck is the closest thing that I will ever have to happiness, but after today, there is no way in hell that I’m taking that chance. I can’t, because deep down I know, I know, if I give him a chance, he will steal my heart. I’m just not sure what would happen to me if I let him in, and he ever changes his mind.
So, it’s best that whatever this is between us ends now before something bad happens. I take a deep breath, trying to get the images of Izzy, broken and beaten again, out of my mind. I tremble violently when the painful images of her filter through my mind again.
“You going to keep huffin’ and puffin’ over there like a damn brat?”
My eyes widen and my spine stiffens before I look up and glare at Maddox. How dare he! How freaking dare he!
“You don’t know me well enough to judge me, Maddox Locke.” I’ve never been good at throwing sass around. Izzy is better at giving those stank eyes out to get her point across. I can tell that I’m doing a crappy job when the corner of his mouth tips up slightly. “This isn’t funny.” I pout, crossing my arms over my chest.
“It’s pretty damn hilarious.”
My jaw drops, and I stop right in my tracks.
“Excuse me?” I don’t have to fake the displeasure that laces my words.
“You want me to lay it out for you?” At my nod, he just shakes his head before continuing. “Here’s how I see it. Two months, give or take a few hours, you and my boy have been fuck buddies who act more like a couple than some married people do. I’ve watched you, Dee. I see you pushing back and at the same time, running forward. You’re hot and cold, but when you’re cold, it’s fucking frigid. Last couple of weeks, I’ve seen that fear leave you. The crazy emotions, ups and downs, all those stupid games you’ve been playing with him, have stopped. You were finally ready. I won’t act like I understand your life, but if you let what happened today ruin what could be something worth trying for, then that’s on your shoulders.”
“Are you done?” I spit out. Literally, spit the words out at him. I’m sure I look hilarious. I might even be frothing at the mouth at this point.
“Yeah, I’m done. For now.” He starts walking again, and after a second of stunned shock, I rush after him.
“You have no right to judge me, Maddox. You have no idea what I’m going through right now.” I almost stumble, but he reaches out before I can nosedive to the asphalt.
“Really? Want me to let you in on a little secret? This,” he waves his hand around us, “isn’t even close to being about you. Your best friend is up there with God knows what wrong, and you’re stewing in your own shit. We all have a jacked up past, all of us. You aren’t special because you’ve been fucked over. Do you know how much I would love to have someone solid to share my life with? Both of you girls, running and running. Where exactly will you run when there isn’t anywhere left to go?” His chest is heaving, and his black eyes are just taking me in, judging me without knowing what he’s judging.
“You don’t think I want that? I crave that! But I know better than to ever let someone hurt me again! I will never, NEVER, be at the mercy of another man. I’ll tell you that much, Maddox! You want to stand there and stare at me with those judgy eyes, that’s fine, but you better have all the facts before you condemn me to hell!” His eyes narrow slightly before he gives me a slight nod and starts walking again. “Seriously! Where are you going?”
“Food. You need to eat and calm the hell down. When you’re done eating, we’ll talk.”
Bullheaded, asshat, infuriating MAN!
We’re sitting at a small diner around the corner from the hospital. He’s already had a meal that could feed a small army, while I’ve been picking at everything and anything on my plate. His words from earlier are still slapping me in the face.
Slap.
Slap.
Slap.
What is it with these damn men and their ability to see right the hell through me? He’s hit the nail right on the head, and I’m silently freaking the hell out. If he can see past my mask right into my deepest hurts, then I’m sure Beck can, too.
“My father used to slap me around. My mother wasn’t as bad, but she was still bad. I’ve had a few boyfriends. All used me and left when they got what they wanted. Some more bad relationships and friendships with men scattered here and there. My track record with female friends isn’t much better. Izzy and Greg are the first real friendships that I’ve ever had in my life. Ever. I don’t trust easily. I don’t really even believe that I could love someone. The last time I felt what I thought was true happiness and love is when Izzy met Brandon.” I continue to move my food around, trying to find the right words. I’m not even really sure what it is about this man that has me opening up, but now that I’ve started, I’m not sure I can stop. We’ve known each other just as long as I’ve known Beck, but there is something about him that makes me feel like he could take my secrets on and lock them tight.
“Izzy’s story isn’t pretty, Maddox. It’s about as bad as you can imagine, and a little worse than that. When she met Brandon, he was a great guy. Hell, I was actually for the first time in my life, rooting for someone to get their happily ever after. But, just like all the other men that have come into my life, his true colors came out. I can’t even remember how long they had been married before it happened. Small things, so insignificant that you only could catch on if you really know the person. I missed the signs. Izzy sure as hell missed the signs.” I stop what I’m doing and look him dead in the eyes. I want him to feel what I’m about to tell him. I have a feeling that is the only way I will gain an ally.
“They hadn’t been married long, maybe a year or two. I was working late, trying to get some last minute stuff done so I could take the following week off. I’m not even sure what I was doing. Anyway, I was alone in the office when I heard something fall in the backroom. I know what you’re thinking. Stupid little female taking off to check on the bump in the night. Oh, how stupid I was. I had just enough time to turn my head before I caught the first slap. He didn’t hit to leave marks; he just hit to hurt enough to get his point across. Ten minutes of hell, absolute hell. That was the day that I realized there really weren’t any good men left. My best friend’s husband beat the shit out of me for ten long minutes. I counted. Do you know how many seconds are in ten minutes? Six hundred. The last thing he said to me before he gave me one more kick in the ribs was to stay away from Izzy, or he would kill her. And you know what? I believed he would do it, so I left my friend alone with that monster.”
When I finish, I drop my fork, jumping when it makes a loud clatter against the plate and table before falling onto the floor with a loud bang. I’ve never told a soul that story. Now that the words actually left my lips, I want to grab them, shove them back in, and pretend that this conversation, as one-sided as it is, never happened. The only sliver of relief I feel right now is that I didn’t tell him everything.
“You’ve had a lot of shit in your life.” Well, leave it to Maddox to break it down like that.
“Yeah.” I laugh a little at the assessment of my life story.
“You going to continue to let that control your future?”
My head shoots up from where I’ve been picking apart a napkin, and once again, I find my mouth wide open.
“Uh…”
“You going to let the ghosts of assholes past ruin your chance at something good?” His brow goes up in question and immediately, I think of Beck. His handsome face and those eyes I love so much filter through my mind. The way he looks at me as if I’m the last woman on earth.
With a deep sigh, I nod my head.
“Right. You let them win then. Push away a good man, but when all this shit blows up in your face, I’m going to remind you of this conversation. No man in this world is worth the pain you have on your shoulders. There is also no way I believe that you aren’t able to love. Seen you with Izzy, seen you with Greg, and I’ve seen you with Beck. You’re wrong, Dee.”
“I have to protect myself, Maddox. I can’t… I don’t, I don’t know how to let go.”
He reaches over and grabs my hand. His huge palm covers it whole. He gives me a gentle squeeze, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I see something close to regret in his eyes. “Just because you let someone in doesn’t mean you have to stop protecting yourself. It just means you have someone to share the job with.”
We sit there in silence for a little while longer before he pays the bill and then head back over to the hospital. There really isn’t much more to say, at least on my end. Right before we hit the entrance to the hospital, Maddox asks me to stop.
“Can already tell you’re going to run. Promise me, you need to talk, you’ll find me?”
“Yeah, okay, Maddox.” My voice is just a whisper, but he hears me. He gives me another one of his nods before closing off his face again.
When we get back inside, everyone is standing around Izzy’s bed, waiting for her to wake up. I know she won’t be happy, but these people need to know this isn’t the first time we’ve been in this position. So, I open up and spill my best friend’s secrets. I watch as the men in the room grow rigid and the mood is waist deep with fury. My eyes move from Axel’s wrecked expression to Beck’s stoic one. He’s just looking at me. His face is expressionless except for his eyes. His eyes are begging me to come to him, to let him be my rock. When I give him a small shake of my head, his lips thin, and he drops his gorgeous eyes to the floor.
Just like that, regardless of my stupid, no strings rule, my heart breaks in two.
And, I have no one to blame but myself.