When he pulls his truck into the driveway, I push the door open and stomp up the stone pathway to the brightly lit porch. I watch him as he makes his way to the door, shaking his head with that damn smirk in place, and I want to scream. My anger has hit the point of no return, and all I want to do is smack that look off his face. Then, kiss away the pain. God, I’m so sick with my own constant, mental tug-a-war with this man.
“Is this a game to you, Beck?”
He looks shocked for a second before his eyes turn hard. Turning to unlock the door, he holds it open for me to step through before he follows me in. After dropping his keys on the table he disarms the security system before looking at me. His eyes are still hard, and his body strung tight.
“Which part do you think is a game? You refusing to be more than a bed warmer? Not answering the phone when I call because I’m worried about you? No, wait, I’ve got it. It must be the time that I told you I wanted more than to be just an itch to scratch and a dick to ride. Please tell me, Dee, because for the life of me, I can’t figure out just what game I could be playing with you!”
Oh. My. God. Never. Not once, in the months that I’ve known this man has he ever yelled at me. Standing here, right now, looking at his wild eyes and flaring nostrils, I want to slap myself for taking such a strong man and turning him into this. He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves a woman that can love him freely. A woman who won’t be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the perfect man to turn into the perfect nightmare.
He deserves the best. And as much as I wish I were that person, I know that it isn’t me.
“I don’t know what you want me to say here.” Even though my words are whispered, by the look on his face, I might as well have just screamed them at him. “I don’t think I’m capable of being the person that you want me to be.”
“Are you serious? I don’t want you to be just anyone, Dee. I’m not sitting here demanding that you be anyone else but YOU.” He walks over to where I’m standing, taking each measured step slow and steady. His hands are relaxed at his side, and his body is screaming comfort. “All I want is you.” He stresses with his deep velvet voice, caressing my ears and warming my heart. If anyone has the power to make me believe, it’s this man right here in front of me.
When his feather-light kisses dance across my face, it’s almost my undoing. He takes my head between his large hands and tilts it to give him better access. I look into his pleading eyes, and silently beg him to stop.
“I’m so scared of you, John Beckett.”
His eyes widen a fraction before an emotion I’ve seen a few times takes over his face. He looks at me as if I’m his whole damn world and he isn’t afraid to admit it.
“You’ve got nothing to be scared of with me. Not one damn thing. You’ve had me in knots for months, Dee. Fighting for you, us, and this relationship might drive me mad at times, but it’s a fight I want if it ends with you in my arms.” Between his words and the soothing promise, I find myself relenting. Knowing this might blow up in my face, and prove once again that I’m right about men, doesn’t even bother me. I crave him just as badly as he craves me.
His lips meet mine, and it’s a kiss full of every ounce of love he’s been trying to convince me of but I’ve been too afraid to see. I’m still terrified of the unknown, but when I look into his eyes I know he means what he says. I can feel the emotion pouring over me, drowning me, and I want more than anything to believe him.
“Tell me you’re mine. Tell me that you’ll stop running and working on those damn walls so hard. Just try. That’s all I’m asking, please.” He doesn’t even give me a chance to answer him. Scooping me into his arms, he carries me up his stairs, down the hallway, and into his bedroom without removing his lips from mine. He places me softly on the mattress, and continues to look at me with his eyes blazing, just taking me in. I go to sit up and remove my clothes, but my movements must have looked like another flight attempt, because he places his hand lightly on my chest lightly, his eyes begging. “Please, Dee. Take a chance on us, and I swear to you, Baby, you won’t regret a day of it.”
Sighing deeply, I look him in the eyes and hold his stare. Yes, I’m scared out of my mind, but if I leave here tonight and deny him this, I know I’ll regret it until the day I die. “I’ll try.” The smile that takes over his face makes my heart skip a beat. His eyes crinkle at the corners and lose all traces of worry. He looks like a man that has the world. And, in that second, I feel lighter than I have in years. I feel like I’m the one who has the world.
“Thank you.” Kiss. “Thank you.” Kiss. “God, thank you.” I laugh when he pulls back from peppering my face with kisses, and I see the smile is still firmly in place. “You won’t regret this. I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the damn world, Dee. Just you wait.”
We come together roughly. I pull him down on top of me, and his solid weight hits me, causing my breath to leave with a whoosh. God, I’ve missed this feeling that only he gives me. We’re a mess of limbs and flying clothes. The room echoes with our loud kisses, panting, and moaning. Neither one of us wants to miss one second of our newfound connection.
It doesn’t take long before we are both finally naked. His heat warms me straight down to my core, and I want to cry when I think about all the time I’ve stupidly denied this man. “Hurry, please! I need you.”
“Shh, soon.” His warm breath against my ear causes me to shiver, and when he pulls my lobe into his mouth, biting slightly before lightly licking up the shell of my ear, my toes curl. He laughs when I push my fingers into his hair and roughly pull his head back to my lips.
“I need you now. I need to feel you take me hard.” God, I need him. I’m not even ashamed of my begging.
“I’m not taking you hard, yet. Not this time. This time, I’m going to show you just what it feels like to be loved.” His words have my eyes widening, but when his lips trace down my body in a trail of fire and latch onto my clit, I forget every second of fear that had previously washed over me. His talented lips and tongue feast at my center, and I lose myself in the pleasure that overcomes me. It doesn’t take long for our normal, out of control lovemaking to take over. No matter what, the carnal passion we always create together blows to maximum proportions. He licks, sucks, and nibbles, causing me to scream a few times when the pleasure almost becomes too intense. No matter how close I get he keeps pulling me back, denying me what my body is craving.
“Beck, please!” I plead when he inserts one long finger inside me, pressing against the one spot guaranteed to have me shooting to the sky.
“Mmmm…” When his deep rumble hits my clit, and the vibrations shoot up my body, curling around me, and setting fire to every single inch, I scream. Scream so loud that my throat burns, my ears ring, and my eyes water. He kisses back up my body and takes my lips roughly, and when I open to accept him, I can taste my desire on his tongue. Never in my life did I think I would enjoy the taste of myself, but on him, I feel like I could lick his whole face and never get enough. His tongue sweeps in, dancing with mine, and after a few minutes of the most soul-consuming kiss, he pulls back. My lips feel as bruised and swollen as his look.
We hold each other’s eyes as he slowly trails his hand down my side before taking his hard dick into his hand and slowly pushing into my waiting body. The second he pushes inside me, the rest of the world is forgotten, and we come together like we always do, wild and frenzied. I lose track of how many times we flip back and forth, both of us fighting for the top position of control. When we fall off the bed, he flips so that his body takes the brunt of the pain, and I scream out his name when I land, and his dick hits me deeper than ever before. My eyes roll back in my head, and I ride him like I’m auditioning for the top spot in a rodeo.
I reach out blindly, grab onto his nightstand for leverage, and dig my heels in before lifting almost completely off. He growls, and his fingers dig into my hips, almost to the point of pain. “Dee…”
I wink before roughly dropping back down his length, and we both groan with the pleasure.
He doesn’t give me much time to enjoy taking him and being in control. I know he is just humoring me when he lets me have a few minutes of fun. He flips me easily, and I vaguely hear something crash to the floor before he’s pounding into me hard and fast, just the way I love it. His strong hands hold my legs by the knee as he comes up on his knees and thrusts into my body powerfully. Each time he bottoms out, I scream his name.
“Beck… Baby, so close!” I close my eyes when the pleasure becomes too much.
“Eyes. I want to see your eyes when you come.”
My eyes snap open, and I look up to see his eyes burning with lust. A bead of sweat rolls down the tip of his nose and drops between my breasts, burning my skin as it slowly rolls towards my neck. He takes a few more deep thrusts before he leans back slightly and brings one of his hands between us, pinching my clit in between his fingers, and delivering the most delicious pain.
“Oh, God… Oh, YES!” I try to keep my eyes open to focus on his face, but then the kaleidoscope of bright colors closes in on my vision as the power of the orgasm takes over my body.
“Feels so damn good… so, so good.” He pulls out, almost slipping free of my body, before he pushes in quickly. His balls slap against my ass, his hands tighten against me, and he grunts before collapsing against my body.
We lay there for a few minutes before he rolls off of me. I instantly miss the fullness of him inside my body. He helps me off the floor and pulls me close, wrapping his arms around me tightly before kissing me deeply.
“You’re a pain in my ass sometimes, but damn, when my wildcat comes out, it’s worth every second.” I cock my brow at him, not quite understanding at first, and frown slightly when he laughs loudly. “Dee, look around.” I pull my eyes from his and look around his room. The sheets are on the floor, the mattress is slightly hanging off his massive bed, nightstand over-turned, and his lamp is in pieces on the floor.
“Oh my God! How do we end up doing this every time?” I bury my head in his chest, enjoying the feel of his laughter rumbling against my face.
****
I should have known better to think that I could be happy. Happiness and love just aren’t something that is meant for me. It was stupid of me to think that I could trust that foreign feeling of pure happiness, trust and love I felt that night and the following days when I was wrapped tight in Beck’s arms.
All that happiness that I had been feeling died a quick death, when a week later, Izzy’s crazy ass ex-husband showed up at my house. Not only did he almost kill Greg, but if Izzy hadn’t taken control of the situation, I have no doubt in my mind that she and I wouldn’t have made it. The hope, the joy, and the belief that I could do this died that day, and it didn’t matter what I told myself, what Beck told me. Nothing was able to shake me from the dark hole my mind seemed to run to.
I was lost. I was afraid. And worst of all, I was alone because I pushed the greatest thing to ever happen to me away when I let my fear take control. The worst part, next to losing Beck, was that I couldn’t even pull myself back in. I didn’t want to pull myself back in. Darkness had become my best friend, and everything bright and happy just seemed to vanish.
Time turned into an endless cycle of gray. I went through the motions, and acted like everything was okay when everyone was around, but the second I was alone, and the webs of my depression weaved their way around me in a cocoon tight enough to suffocate me, the only thing I wanted was for it to all just stop. I wanted the end, and each morning when I woke up and realized I hadn’t gotten it, I slipped a little deeper.
And I had no one to blame but myself.