HOW MUCH COULD ONE HATE their self? That’s the question I asked myself every time I looked in the mirror. Was it not enough that I had to find my mother dead after suffering a sexual assault? Was it not enough that I couldn’t help her and protect her? Was I also now supposed to endure the torture of knowing I couldn’t protect the girl I loved, too? That’s right. I fucking loved her. And I couldn’t do anything to keep her safe.
I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. I wasn’t good enough for her. She didn’t belong over here. And Sheriff Rothchild, as much as I hated his guts, he was right, I needed to stay the hell away from Liv. It was best for her. It was hell for me.
I touched the small cut on my lip. It stung, but I bet it didn’t compare at all to the bruises Liv suffered on the inside. Every time I thought of the night before I felt sick, crazy—fucking violent.
I’d finished up my day at school and stayed at the lab until dark to get some work done on a paper. My phone had been dead. I got angry every time I thought about that dead phone. It was my fault. Seeing her messages this morning when I’d finally charged it up and powered it on nearly killed me. She’d been there waiting for me. She’d gotten done early with classes and wanted to be with me.
And Boone. That fucker. I still wanted to kill him every time I thought of walking up the stoop of the apartment building and hearing Liv’s scream. Something had come over me. Something I’d never be able to explain. Savage. That was the only word to describe me.
I’d ripped him off her, blind rage burning inside of me. I didn’t even remember putting him to the ground or using my arm to choke him. It all seemed like a nightmare now. Seeing Liv’s tear-stained face. Her begging me to stop. Her ripped shirt shredded my soul.
I hadn’t protected my mother. And I hadn’t protected her either. If she kept coming around here, it wouldn’t be too long before her spirits were crushed, too. Before this place ate up every bit of her goodness and spat her soulless body out with nothing left. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to protect her. From Boone. From Madison. From me.
My phone buzzed from the counter for what felt like the hundredth time today and I picked it up. It was no surprise to see Liv’s name flashing across the screen. I was an asshole. A complete douche because she’d been messaging me since this morning and I hadn’t answered. I didn’t know how to tell her this couldn’t go on anymore. That we had to end whatever this was.
Whatever this was. Like I didn’t fucking know. But hell, I could pretend. I was good at that.
I looked at the phone again and pulled up the slew of Liv’s texts I’d been avoiding all day.
Liv: Call me
Liv: Are you okay?
Liv: Can we talk?
Liv: Please talk to me
The last message made me want to tear my heart out and throw it off the bridge that would forever separate us and not just by distance. I debated what to do as I walked down the stairs and smoked a cigarette in front of the building. Just the sight of the porch made my stomach roll. No, no matter how I felt about her, I couldn’t let her come back here. I couldn’t risk her.
Pulling out my phone, I texted Liv back that I’d meet her at the beach across the street from her house in thirty minutes. Even at nineteen, I wasn’t immature or dick enough to break things off with her over the phone. Besides, I had to see her. Just one more time.
I ran upstairs, praying I didn’t see Boone’s ass walking around. I didn’t want to go to jail today.
I opened the door to the apartment, ready to shout to my dad I was heading out when I saw him sitting in a chair in the front room. “I’m heading out for a bit, Pops.”
The gauze was gone from his forehead and he was looking better. I felt relieved. He was all I had left. I had to take good care of him.
“You headed to see Liv?”
I nodded and searched for my house keys on the table by the front door.
“What are you love birds getting up to tonight?”
I tried to smile. I really did. I didn’t want to burden him with this. “Just the beach.”
He nodded and then I saw his eyes zero in on my lip. “What happened to your lip, hijo?”
“Nothing, Pops. It’s fine. Just some bullshit between Boone and me.”
My dad didn’t miss a damn thing. He was a good father despite our shitty circumstances. “Did this thing with you and Boone have anything to do with Livingston?” His eyes were like an X-ray machine. Sometimes I thought he could see right through me.
I looked around the room. Anywhere but at him. Because if he asked me about what happened between me and Boone and I had to tell him about Liv, I knew I would lose it. I’d cry like a fucking baby. And I didn’t have time to cry. To fucking care. I needed to make a clean break and move on with my life. It was best for everyone.
“I see you’re not ready to talk about it. But when you are, I’m here. Okay?”
I still didn’t look at him. I only nodded and grabbed my keys and flew through the door like a bat out of hell. I was careful to watch out for Sheriff Rothchild. I didn’t need him breathing down my neck any more than usual.
I made it to the beach in record time. I was five minutes early, but it didn’t matter because she was already there. She was sitting on the dunes, looking out at the ocean. I stood there and watched for a few moments, knowing this could be the last time I saw her. The last time I could watch her.
The sun was setting over the ocean, but I hardly noticed it. Her long beautiful brown hair whipped around her face. She was wearing a baggy white T-shirt and black leggings. Her bare feet were pressed into the sand and she looked so sad staring out at the ocean.
Fuck. Here goes nothing.
My Converse kicked up sand as I walked toward her. I could tell the moment she knew I was there. Her body locked tight as she turned her head to the side to watch me walk toward her. She got to her feet and ran at a dead sprint right for me.
Before I knew what I was doing she was in my arms and I was holding her to me, my hands around her waist. Her legs around mine. She pulled me close and buried her face in my neck. Her body shook against mine. She cried into my neck and I couldn’t stand it. I came here to break up with her. To say goodbye to my very first girlfriend. The girl I thought I might love. And instead I ran my hands down her back and rocked her from side to side.
I sat in the dunes, her still wrapped around me like a warm blanket. “Shhh.” I pushed her hair out of her face and whispered into her ear. I couldn’t stand it. Her pain killed me.
When she finally calmed down, she leaned back on my knees and kissed my lips softly. Her hands framed my face and she rubbed the scruff along my jaw.
“You’re hurt,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to the tiny cut on my lip.
Grabbing her hands, I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.”
“I’m sorry,” she muttered.
I pulled her close again, hugging her tight, cradling her in my arms. “It’s not your fault.”
“It is,” she said into my chest.
I pulled her back until she could see my face. The seriousness. So she could understand what I was saying was the damn truth. “It was Boone’s fault. And mine. I didn’t protect you.” I felt my jaw tick as I faced the inevitable. What I’d known was always coming since the very beginning.
It was dark now, the stars coming out to play.
I stared at them as she spoke. “It’s not your fault. You warned me to be safe.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said to the sky. “We can’t do this anymore.” I blinked back all the emotion about to spill over.
She backed out of my embrace until she was perched on my knees, straddling my legs. “This? We can’t do this anymore?”
I couldn’t look at her. I wouldn’t. It would obliterate my already broken heart.
But she wouldn’t let me be. Grabbing the sides of my face hard in her hands, she made me look into her eyes. “This? You mean us? Do you mean us? Is that what you mean by this?”
I squeezed my eyes closed. I couldn’t look at the hurt in hers for one more second.
“No, open your eyes while you break my heart, Adam. It’s only fair.”
I lifted my eyelids slowly. Her face ravaged my soul.
I didn’t know what to say. I knew nothing would make her understand. Hell, I knew what had to happen, but even I had a hard time understanding life was so fucking unfair. So, I gave her all I had, which was my truth.
“I can’t protect you.” The words were like saw dust in my mouth, thick and dry.
She shoved my chest. “You don’t have to.”
“We’re from two different worlds. It’s never going to work out. Hell, it’s only been two months and it’s already not working out.” God, I was lying. The last two months had been amazing. It was going to kill me to give her up.
Now she just looked angry. “What? Because of Boone? You’re going to give me away because of one night with one bad guy?”
I had to make her see. My world was full of bad guys. I grabbed the tops of her arms, giving her a shake. “Don’t you get it?” I shouted, my voice cracking with emotion. “The world is full of bad people, Liv. Those people will never let us be.”
And she didn’t even know the half of it. It wasn’t just the people on the mainland who would keep us apart.
She shoved off me and stood, staring down at me like she didn’t even know who I was. It was like a hot iron to my soul. I’m the first man who has kissed you. The first man to touch you. I’m yours and you’re mine, I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. Because we were over.
“See, that’s where we’re different, Adam. I’d never let anyone keep you from me.”
I pushed off the ground, pissed off, too, now. “That’s not fair.”
She walked up to me and stood toe to toe. Head to head. Heart to heart. “You know what’s not fair? You giving up on me. On us. That’s not fair.”
She wounded me through and through. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to shake her. She wanted me to fight for us, but I couldn’t because I was too busy fighting for her. I’d be miserable the rest of my days if it meant she was safe and happy.
I swallowed what felt like sand in my throat and looked at the stars. They looked different tonight. Not quite as bright. Not quite as beautiful. “You and I, Liv? We’re just not written in the stars,” I choked out the lie. It left a horrible taste in my mouth.
But she had an answer for everything. “Then we’ll rewrite them.”
Everything was so easy for her. My Luna, the dreamer. “I can’t,” I whispered.
“You can’t what?” Her beautiful brown eyes shimmered with tears as they stared up at me.
“I can’t risk you. I’m scared. I can’t lose you.” I felt like I was drowning in the ocean in front of me even though I was safe on the sand.
Her head shook back and forth slowly before her hand came up and cradled my jaw so delicately it was like she was afraid I might break.
“So, you’ll throw me away instead? I’m not her, Adam. I’m not her. I don’t need saving. I just need you.”
My forehead fell to hers as I let out a long breath I felt like I’d been holding for years. How did she know? How did this woman-girl somehow put a voice to all my fears? But she was right, she wasn’t my mother.
“I know,” I whispered across her lips.
Her doe eyes gazed at me from behind her eyelashes. Those eyes were a killer and almost impossible to say no to. They’d be the demise of us both.
“We’re gonna be fine as long as we stick together.” She ran her hands through my hair and I closed my eyes. I fucking melted.
“It’s you and me, Nova. You and me against the world.”
She didn’t know how right she was. I ran my nose along the length of hers, breathing in her fresh scent. I was pretty sure that was what innocence smelled like, but I couldn’t be sure. I’d never been this close to it.
I wanted her. I couldn’t give her up, no matter how I knew it was the right thing to do.
“Kiss me,” she whispered and that was it. That request was all it took.
My hand went to the back of her neck and up and into her loose hair. I clenched it in my hands and turned her head the way I wanted it. How I needed it.
Pressing my mouth to hers, I groaned. Tasting her, kissing her like I’d been waiting to do for what felt like forever. I held nothing back. I bit and sucked at her lips. I devoured her mouth right to the edge of something that felt like insanity. I pushed her down onto her back and crawled over her, settling into the sweet spot between her thighs. She was deliciously warm there and her heat cradled my length too perfectly.
“Can I?” I whispered across her lips, my eyes eating her up. I couldn’t stop myself. I was a wild man. I didn’t even know what I was asking her. Could I what? Kiss her? Taste her? Love her? Keep her?
My eyes darted from her bare midriff where her shirt had ridden up to the tops of her supple thighs and back up to pass over her breasts, and on to the soft curve of the spot where her neck met her throat. That soft, fragrant spot where I wanted to bury my face and breathe her in. My mouth watered. My body craved hers. I was starving and only Liv could fill me up.
Her torso made a beautiful arch, her breasts pushing into my chest, her body needing me like mine needed hers. “Please,” she begged.
That one word and I was gone. I may as well have been a thirteen-year-old boy again. I wanted to be brash, immature. I wanted to rush. I wanted to take and pillage and steal every bit of her she wouldn’t willingly give me. God, I wanted to be selfish and kiss her and taste her like the crazy man I was being. I sucked in a shaky breath, trying to gain a little sanity, a little fucking composure. Slowly, carefully I pushed up her shirt over her breast, baring the sweetness of a lacy white bra, a small bow in the middle that made me ravenous. I was bad for her. That bow was proof. She was sweet. She was covered in lace and small bows and me, I was covered in dark ink and despair. It was wrong, but it felt right and so fucking good.
My finger traced that bow and above it, right between the milky, white globes that begged for my mouth. But I took my time. There’d only be one time that I’d get to see her beautiful body for the first time. Only once ever that I’d get to experience all of our first times. I didn’t want to forget a single one. I wanted them all tucked away for the time she finally realized I wasn’t worthy of her. That we’d never work. Me from the wrong side of the bridge, her from the right. Everyone against us.
Looking into her deep brown eyes and sweet face, I couldn’t help but wonder what if. What if I didn’t live on this side of the bridge? What if she didn’t live on the island? What if I was good enough for her? What if our pasts and presents hadn’t collided like a head-on collision? Just what fucking if.
At that moment looking down at her with her eyes shimmering with want, her body flushed and hot, her lips pink from mine, it seemed like so much more than a mere bridge separated us. It seemed like we were worlds apart. Universes even. She was so beautiful. And I was just me. Adam Nova. Poor introverted kid, scared of people, terrified of success, frightened of failure, angry at my circumstances. What did I possibly have to offer this angel? Not a goddamn thing, but that didn’t stop me. Nothing would.
I still took. It was all I knew how to do. So, I leaned down, capturing her mouth in a blistering kiss that made the cheeks of my face hurt she was so sweet. The kiss was just that good. I was so fucked.
“Jesus, you’re so beautiful,” I groaned, taking her lips again, tasting every corner and crevice of her mouth with my tongue and God, she was good. Better than anything I’d ever tasted before. She moaned and I swallowed it down, desperate for her sounds. I wanted it all. I wanted her. Fuck, but life wasn’t fair.
I felt her warm hands in my hair and then the sides of my face, her skin hot against mine before they slid down to cover the tattoos at my neck. I paused and stared down, our eyes meeting like they’d done it a thousand times before, our souls impossibly twisted together.
“You’re beautiful, too.”
Heat enveloped my face even as my heart tripled its beat. Nobody had ever called me beautiful. The world couldn’t love you if you hid from it. But Liv, she saw me. Through my tattoos. Through my quirks. Through my shadows. She didn’t mind my introversions. She saw me when no one else did. And she thought I was beautiful, even with all my flaws.
I buried my face in her sweet spot at the base of her neck, careful to hide the emotion I knew was shining in my eyes. And she let me hide, because she knew I needed it. She just knew. Always.
I wouldn’t take. I’d give. It was what she deserved. If I took, then I’d want to keep her forever and Livingston Montgomery was not anything I could keep. She was on loan from the universe like my own walking, talking miracle.
I blinked back the wetness in my eyes and dipped my tongue into the indentation above her collarbone, making her shiver. I smiled against her shoulder before moving lower, right above that bow. I licked her slow and long from the top of it to the divot in her neck.
I was in heaven, having her. I was in hell knowing I couldn’t keep her.
Settling myself between her legs, I slid my hand in the waistband of her stretchy pants that hugged her ass too well. “Yeah?” I asked, looking down at her, unsure, still shocked she wanted me like I wanted her.
Her eyes dropped closed as a “Please,” fell from her lips. And me? I nosedived into oblivion. I was lost. Her scent in my nose, her skin on my skin, her heart pressed to my own. She was too good to be true.
I pulled the strap of her bra down as my other hand slid into the dampness hidden beneath her panties. And Jesus, it was wet. So wet. So ready for me. I groaned, pulling the rest of the strap down and exposing the dusky pink of her nipple, hard and ready for my mouth. I took it, sucking deep as my finger slid further into her wetness. Her hands tight in my hair, she arched her body, begging me without words. I found her hot core and swirled my finger there, testing, making sure I wouldn’t hurt her, my cock the hardest it had ever been against the zipper of my jeans. I wanted to rip them off and press the head of it there, right at her center.
“God, please.” She pulled my hair harder and tried to ride my hand. “Please, put it in. Touch me. Do something. Anything,” she breathed.
Fuck anything. I wanted to do everything.
“Shhh,” I quieted her, crooning against her breast, afraid someone would hear her even though I was sure this stretch of the beach was empty save us. But those sounds, those words, they were for me alone. They were mine. She was mine, if only for this moment, if only in this place.
I slid my finger in and it was so tight and hot, I almost came right there. Right there beneath our stars, with my pants still on. Fuck, but she felt good.
Moving up her body, I dropped kisses to the tops of her breast, the slope of her jaw, the tip of her nose, my hand stroking her—my heart on my sleeve.
I pressed my forehead to hers and slid my finger to the hilt, filling up her tight space. And when I pressed my thumb to her clit, her eyes flew open, meeting mine on a gasp.
“How does it feel?” I whispered against her lips, circling her while I moved my finger in and out slowly, determined to feel as much of her as I could. I won’t lie, knowing I was the only man who’d ever touched her, to know I would be the first man to ever make her come, it made me crazy.
She gasped and clutched at me and held my wrist against her, riding my fingers.
“How does it feel, Liv?” I ran my tongue along the Cupid’s bow of her lip. “Tell me,” I demanded. Gone was my fear, my reservations, and in their place was need and want.
Her lusty eyes met mine head-on. “It feels like flying,” she gasped and bowed her back. “Oh God,” she groaned, pushing my hand harder into her. “It feels like falling.”
And then I watched her fall. She shook in my arms and her core clamped tight around my hand. I made sure to rub my thumb to her, bringing her down slowly, but sure to draw out every bit of goodness I could.
The skin of her chest glistened with sweat and I leaned down, tasting it.
“Mmmm,” she moaned, sounding satisfied and even though I’d just made her come all I could think about was putting my mouth between her legs and my cock in my hand and making her come again. This girl. She was going to be the damn death of me. She was a game changer. I didn’t know it then. But I sure as hell knew it now.