Chapter 28
Alice pushed her chair back from her desk the next afternoon and watched Susan Motherwell make her way tentatively across the room to the examination couch. With a name like Motherwell, there had to be a certain expectation about how you raised your five children. Five children? The thought didn’t bear countenance, yet on every other occasion that Alice had met Susan she had been calm and funny and seemingly in control of her various offspring, whose ages ranged from nine to nineteen.
Not so much today.
Today, Susan was clammy with a cold sweat and apologising for herself with every step she took, ‘I’m so sorry, Dr Walker. I really feel like I might be wasting your time, but I’ve felt so unwell all night—’ She finally reached her destination and heaved herself up onto the couch as though it was taking every ounce of her strength to do so.
‘Tell me again,’ Alice said, as her mind worked itself through the symptoms that Susan had been casually dropping into their conversation one by one, until Alice felt as though she was trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle in her head to find the clearer picture.
Susan gave an uncomfortable laugh. ‘Well, like I said, it just feels as though there’s this heavy weight on my stomach and the pain at about 3 a.m. was just awful. And this morning my jaw is so sore – maybe I was grinding my teeth together when it hurt?’
‘And when did this cold sweating begin?’ Alice asked gently.
‘About breakfast time. I couldn’t eat anything. I felt too sick. Do you think it’s an ulcer, Dr Walker? We have been having a pretty stressful time lately, what with Nathan and his troubles.’
Downplaying Nathan Motherwell’s issues as ‘troubles’ was so typical of Susan. The poor lad had been caught up in the bombing of a tourist resort on his gap year and had been lucky to escape with surface injuries and an overwhelming case of survivor’s guilt. Even as Susan alluded to it, Alice watched another spasm of pain cross her face as she doubled over.
Alice pressed the intercom button on her phone to request another pair of hands. She didn’t want Susan to overhear the phone call that needed to be made. It was one thing to tell a previously healthy fifty-year-old woman that she was having a heart attack, it was quite another to do it so far from hospital treatment.
It was only when Alice knew for a fact that the emergency transfer was pulling into the Market Place that she gently sat down beside Susan and outlined her concern.
‘A heart attack?’ Susan said, confusion all over her face. ‘Oh Dr Walker, I think you’ve got that wrong.’
‘It’s different for women,’ Alice explained. ‘Women erode; men explode. Their heart attacks are more aggressive – sudden onset, arm pain, chest pain . . . For women, we need to look for different signifiers and I’m sorry, Susan, but we really need to get you checked out. The team in Bath know you’re coming. I think we can all be grateful that you did the right thing and popped in this morning.’
Alice didn’t dare think what the alternative might have been, if Susan had chosen to push on through, as most mothers normally did. It was a mystery to Alice how few women actually knew what a heart attack might feel like for them, rather than their husbands.
Seeing Susan safely into the rig and briefing the paramedics left Alice feeling strangely off balance, as though she had some part of herself invested in Susan’s recovery.
She was almost relieved to see her next patient arrive with an angry boil on his back. A nice, simple, easy fix. Disgusting, no doubt, but predictable. Taking a certain amount of satisfaction in the procedure, Alice lanced the swelling caused by a curled, in-grown hair and swabbed the area clean. If only everything in life was as easy and rewarding to deal with, she thought. Wondering how she might deal with the metaphorical carbuncles in her own life, she was only too pleased to call it a day.
‘Fancy a run later?’ Alice said to Taffy, as she picked up her habitual clobber from the doctors’ lounge. ‘I haven’t forgotten about our Three Peaks idea, you know, so I hope you’ll be match fit when we get around to it.’
He shook his head. ‘Ye of little faith, Walker. I’m ready when you are. But I can’t run tonight anyway. Popping into Bath with the missus-to-be.’ He looked strangely excited at the prospect.
‘No worries,’ said Alice. ‘Have fun.’ She couldn’t help being a teensy bit envious of the ease and affection that Taffy and Holly brought to their relationship. She’d yet to see any cross words between them, except that time when Taffy tucked into the cupcakes Holly had ordered for the twins’ birthday party, but even that had been tempered by her obvious struggle not to laugh. Their relationship might not be perfect, but it was as close to a role model as Alice was ever likely to find.
She pulled her phone from her pocket as she left the building. There was no hesitation, no self-analysis – she just needed to hear a friendly and supportive voice. ‘Jamie? Do you fancy a walk with me and Coco this evening?’
‘That sounds great,’ he said with his usual enthusiasm, ‘but I can’t stay long. I’ve got plans later.’
‘Anything exciting?’ asked Alice, an awkward sixth sense protesting that she’d even asked the question.
Jamie hesitated, the few beats of silence stretching through the ether. ‘Just a date. A blind date, actually. Judith at the training centre thought we might be a good match.’ He paused. ‘I’m not really sure about blind dates, but beggars can’t be choosers.’
Alice got off the phone and began to wonder whether there might be a lurgy doing the rounds; her stomach was lurching in a most disconcerting way. Perhaps it was the very idea that somebody as lovely as her friend Jamie, all six foot four of tousled charm, might consider himself to be a beggar on the dating scene. She daren’t think where that left her.
Alice walked through the Market Place and felt whispers of that insidious sense of detachment that had dogged the last few months. She’d been trying so hard to move forward, but something was holding her back. Certainly when she’d moved to Larkford last year, she had been filled with good intentions, enthusiasm for a fresh start and with the hand of friendship outstretched. It had been somewhat galling to discover that she had brought most of her problems with her and her ‘new life’ was very much a case of same-shit-different-location.
‘Alright, tiger,’ said Jamie, slamming the car door of his knackered Subaru with just enough force to get the door to catch. ‘Lovely to hear from you. Was beginning to think that young Coco was avoiding me and you’d jumped on the political bandwagon. I’d half expected to see you two on the evening news wielding a placard.’
He leaned in and kissed Alice on the cheek and the warmth of his face against hers made her hesitate. She knew that, on so many levels, she would be lost without Jamie – after all, he was the one who had helped her through all these months of indecision about Coco. On the other hand, she held back. The idea of being so reliant on one person for anything frightened her. If she closed her eyes against the late-afternoon sun, her friendship with Jamie looked conceivably like all her eggs nestled firmly in one basket.
That’s why a little distance was good, she told herself.
She was doing just fine.
Publically.
No need for him to know that she was drowning.
After all, he obviously had dates and girlfriends requiring his ear and his shoulder; pulling him under with her could only have one possible consequence. And life without Jamie’s friendship didn’t bear contemplating.
She didn’t like to consider that she might be doing him a disservice, not crediting him with the emotional reserves he might need to cope with what her mother called The Full Alice. She daren’t stop to imagine his reaction if she threw open her front door and aired all her dirty laundry. And she certainly didn’t need anyone to point out that a friendship built on half-truths and secrets wasn’t actually much of a friendship at all.
‘Not quite, well, not yet anyway. But there’s an idea for an auction afoot. We’re all a bit shell-shocked about the cutbacks, to be honest.’
Jamie nodded. ‘I can see why. It’s going to put an awful lot of pressure on your team if you’re expected to fill in the gaps.’ He paused, realising that he didn’t seem to have her full attention. ‘Just let me know if I can do anything to help, yes?’
‘Of course I will,’ Alice replied distractedly. ‘So,’ she said with an imperceptible sigh, noting that he was wearing his best blue shirt – the one that made his eyes look like cornflowers – ‘tell me about this blind date then?’
Jamie looked uncomfortable. ‘I don’t know much. I don’t really know why I’m going.’ He paused and looked at her. ‘I’m not sure I’m cut out for blind dates.’
Alice nodded, trying to muster some sympathy. ‘It’ll be fine. Judith wouldn’t set you up with anyone too hideous, now would she?’
Jamie’s brow furrowed. ‘I suppose not. But one man’s idea of funny and entertaining is another’s idea of shrill and boring.’ He sighed, already seemingly preparing himself for an evening of stultifying conversation.
Alice nodded, a little taken aback that it was possible boredom that concerned him, rather than what his blind date might actually look like.
‘At least we know she likes dogs and she works in the countryside. I could never go for one of those women whose idea of a great weekend is schlepping round the shops! How shallow is that?’ Jamie said with feeling.
‘Quite,’ breathed Alice quietly. His dismissive tone had told her everything she needed to know about Jamie’s ideal woman. And it didn’t take a genius to point out that Alice needn’t worry her head about applying. Not that she ever would, she told herself firmly, even as she fondly watched him being conned out of doggy treats every twenty paces and stopping to scruff Coco’s tummy with affection.
‘What are you up to this evening?’ he asked, as they stopped in a patch of sunlight to lob Coco’s tennis ball across the parkland.
‘Just catching up with a few friends,’ Alice parried, seeing no need to spell out that she’d be chatting with Tilly online and not in person. And that guy from Norfolk was sweet and funny and charming, even if he did keep sending her pictures of him shirtless on his narrow boat. Maybe she’d even consider his request to meet in person – not in Larkford, obviously, the very thought made her feel claustrophobic – but somewhere in between, like Tilly had suggested. And there was always Ollie Turner in Sydney, as the night wore on.
‘And is that a euphemism for getting ratted in Bath and dancing on tables?’ Jamie teased her, as though she were still a student who partied the night away. ‘Don’t tell me there isn’t a hot date on your horizon?’
Alice turned her head away and called Coco back out of the shrubbery she’d been exploring. Just because he had a date lined up for once, did he really need to put her on the spot and make her feel so inadequate?
Alice swallowed down her angry retort and forced an easy smile. ‘Not tonight; I’m saving myself for a weekend in Oxford.’ She let the innuendo dangle and would normally have taken pleasure in the flash of pique in his eyes. Two could play at that game, she thought in annoyance.
‘Hey,’ he said, catching her arm, even as she was tempted to pull away. ‘What’s going on, Al? I don’t hear from you for days and now this. What’s got you so grumpy?’ He paused, waiting for her to fill in the gaps.
She shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
She did though.
She knew that the very thought of him on a date – a blind date, any date really – was enough to make her want to cry.
He lifted her chin gently with his finger, concern etched all over his face. How had she never noticed before how one of his eyebrows bore the faintest trace of a scar, or that his deep blue eyes had flecks of yellow around the pupil? She was aware that she was staring, but somehow couldn’t bring herself to break contact. The warmth of his hand on her face was addictive.
‘I’m glad you called,’ he said. ‘I’ve been thinking about you since we spoke the other day.’
Alice swallowed hard. ‘Me too. About you, I mean.’
He smiled and let go of her face. ‘You see? We’re in sync.’ He guided her to a sunlit bench and sat down. ‘And I think I’ve found the perfect way to keep Coco with you and still allow some scope to explore the cancer side of things.’ His gaze was intense and his energy was focused exclusively on her, on her reaction to this news.
Alice blinked hard, trying to change gear.
They were talking about Coco – of course they were. He’d been thinking about her – and Coco. Because that was his job. She felt a hot flush of embarrassment prickle the roots of her hair and she swallowed hard. ‘Well, that’s just fantastic. Tell me everything.’
He leaned forward and clasped her hand with excitement, much as he had a hundred times before. And on none of those occasions had Alice been aware of every single touch and movement on an almost visceral level. He grinned. ‘So, I was thinking about what we said at The Deli the other day, about how you were the only one making a sacrifice, and I realised that isn’t strictly true. For Coco to have the confidence and continuity to explore her new skills, she needs you too – you guys have a symbiotic relationship, you see,’ he explained.
Alice blinked, willing herself to listen to his every word; this was no time for distraction. ‘So, I go with her?’ Alice queried.
Jamie sat back and smiled. ‘Kind of. Coco lives with you and goes to work with you, okay? That’s Step One. Then comes the magic: we apply for funding from the centre – and maybe a little fundraising ourselves – and then for one day a week, we run a clinic out of The Practice, or from the Oncology Department if they prefer. But you get to double up as doctor on duty and Coco’s handler.’ He paused for a moment, his brow furrowing. ‘The only thing I don’t know is how she would react if you were having a hypo and a patient presented as a positive. But these are hurdles we need to hop over – none of this is going to happen overnight. And my feeling is that the more low-key we keep everything, the more successful it could actually be.’
Alice nodded, completely engaged with the notion, any bruised feelings pushed into the background where they belonged. ‘So if I just blocked out one day a week at The Practice to do nothing but see potential cancer patients with Coco, then we’d be working as a team? I’d get the tests ordered and the medical history, while Coco here was sniffing around.’
‘Exactly. Low-key, low-tech—’
‘No drama,’ finished Alice for him. She smiled, daring to allow herself to hope that this might possibly work. ‘What about Judith?’
He shrugged. ‘How do you think I got lumbered with a blind date? I’m doing everything I can to keep her sweet.’ He paused. ‘She scares me a little bit, to be honest. But this whole business is new, right? We’re all learning as we go. Ten years ago, we didn’t really know that dogs could smell cancer. Five years ago, it seemed like a pipe dream. Even last year, we didn’t think that dogs could just spontaneously acquire the skill without extensive training. Why not try this? Worst-case scenario, you get to keep your spaniel and your sanity, and there’s too much conflict for her – but at least we tried. Best-case scenario? Well, if you ask me, you and Coco are stronger as a team and, if this is going to work, it will work better with you two together.’ He paused, suddenly uncomfortable at the emotion in his voice as he spoke. He cleared his throat and looked down at the sleeping dog between them. ‘At least, that’s what I told Judith.’
Alice leaned forward and kissed him gently on the cheek. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘You have no idea what it’s like to have lost all faith in yourself, only to find that someone else has your back.’ It was possibly the first truly honest thing she had ever said to him.
He blushed. ‘Oh Alice Walker,’ he said. ‘If only you could see what we all see, when we look at you . . .’ He stood up, tugging uncomfortably at the cuffs of his smart shirt. ‘Right, now I’ve got you sorted, I hope you realise the sacrifice I’m making on your behalf, madam. I’m off for an hour of awkward conversation with a total stranger.’
He walked away towards the pub, leaving her sitting on the bench staring after him, the whole dynamic of their relationship suddenly in flux. Alice leaned down and kissed Coco on the top of her head. ‘What do you think then, Coco? Are we feeling brave and a little bit bonkers?’