Roxbury, Monday

I changed into the nightshirt my parents had packed, grateful I didn’t have to get back into a hospital gown, and lay in bed. Eventually a nurse walked through the hall calling ‘lights out’. Soon after the main lights switched off and the small fluorescent bulb in the ceiling flickered on. I almost laughed. Could I seriously not be trusted to have complete darkness?

I sobered when I realised that, on this occasion, they were actually right.

As soon as the noises of the clinic settled down and I was confident I’d be able to hear approaching footsteps, I slid out of bed. I figured it was about 8 p.m. Too early to do anything with the Digoxin yet, but judging from the handover last night, Ethan would arrive soon and I didn’t know how much of an opportunity I would get to organise things once he did. I had to have everything ready to go.

First, I opened my bottle of water, fumbling with my infuriating cast, and gulped down half its contents. Then I pulled off my butterfly necklace and tried to keep my hands steady as I unscrewed it and carefully emptied the powder into the bottle, swirling it to dissolve all of the tiny granules.

It wasn’t perfect. The drug was not designed to dissolve and even after I replaced the lid and gave it a good shake there was still a layer of tiny white grains that settled to the bottom. But it would have to do. I got under the covers and tucked the bottle out of sight.

When I picked up the marker my hands were trembling again.

What was I thinking? Was I really going to do this?

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair as the enormity of what was about to happen washed over me. This was crazy. But like it or not, it was my only shot. The best thing I could do for myself now was ensure I was as ready as possible. I gripped the marker and wrote one word on the strip of white cast that covered the heel of my palm.

I was putting the marker back on the nightstand when I heard footsteps. I deliberated drinking some of the mixture, but if my calculations were right, it was still too early. I’d have to find a chance later on. I rearranged my blankets, making sure the bottle was still well hidden, and prayed room searches were over for the night.

I could tell the minute Ethan walked in that something about him was different. Calmer. He was in jeans and a loose black shirt, his dark hair still a mess, but there was a change in the way he held himself. The tension in his shoulders and the lines around his eyes were gone.

‘Do you mind if I come in?’ he asked, in a way that suggested it was actually a question rather than a token gesture.

‘Does it matter?’

‘I’d prefer we started on the right foot tonight,’ he said and seemed to mean it. But I was stuck in attitude mode and couldn’t muster a reply. He clearly took my silence for agreement because after a moment he walked into the room and sat down on the armchair.

‘How are your wounds? Your wrist? Are you in any pain?’

I swallowed, unsure why his husky tone affected me. ‘No,’ I managed.

‘Would you like me to re-dress them for you?’ ‘I get a choice this time?’ I blurted.

He gave a small smile. ‘Yes.’

‘No, then.’

He nodded and ran a hand through his wayward hair.

The silence stretched and I found it hard to look in his direction. I didn’t want those eyes staring into me, trying to search out my secrets. I kept thinking about the moment I’d Shifted back into my drugged body. How just before the drugs had claimed my consciousness I’d felt something, someone, squeezing my hand. Had I imagined it?

‘Thanks,’ I said, my voice breaking on the word.

He seemed taken aback. ‘For what?’

‘For taking away the restraints last night.’

‘Oh. How did that go for you? Midnight, I mean,’ he said, inching towards me on his chair.

I couldn’t help it, I laughed. I hated being played. ‘I know they told you, Ethan. I heard you all in here this morning.’

He shrugged. ‘I wondered if you were awake.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Whatever. Look, you clearly don’t like me and I don’t particularly have generous thoughts towards you.’

He grinned at that, which only irritated me more.

‘Let’s just bottom line it and save ourselves all the drama. There’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to “fix” me,’ I added the finger quote marks for emphasis, ‘and I have nothing to say to you that you’re going to be able to get your head around. So why don’t you just fill in your charts, say whatever it is you need to say to not get in trouble, and go back to your coffee lounge or wherever it is that you would rather be.’

Ethan watched me, unperturbed. He paused as if contemplating everything I’d just said. I braced for the comeback.

But he just stood up and said, ‘Okay, then,’ before heading straight out the door, closing it behind him.

What?

I had so not been expecting that.

Suddenly I was alone again. I couldn’t understand why I felt so terrible. I did not care what Ethan thought of me, or about spending time with him. I definitely didn’t need to have him know the truth about my life, lives, whatever. And yet … I couldn’t stop watching the door, waiting to see if he would come back.

Every so often I heard him walking up and down the hall, opening and closing doors. Room checks. After it had been quiet for a while, I gave up expecting a return visit. At what I thought must be close to 11 p.m., I decided to drink the first half of my concoction.

I almost spat out the first mouthful. It was offensively bitter – the flavour inundating my taste buds and making me gag. Somehow, I managed to keep that mouthful and subsequent ones down, wishing the whole time I had something to chase it with to take the edge off.

After drinking half the mixture I waited a while to make sure it would stay down, then finished off the rest and slipped the empty bottle under my pillow. Just as I righted myself in bed again, Ethan reappeared.

‘Not tired?’ he asked, walking towards me.

‘Waiting,’ I said without thinking.

‘For what?’

I shrugged. ‘A better life.’

He threw me an odd look.

‘So what’s your deal anyway? I never see you in a uniform. Are you really a nurse, or are you a student?’

He must have seen it as an invitation because he repositioned himself in the chair. ‘I’m a qualified nurse and med … I was a med student. Now I work nights here.’

‘To pay the bills,’ I said, repeating what I’d heard him tell Mitch. He didn’t miss it and smiled. I bit down on the return smile that threatened my lips.

I guessed he must have had some big bills to pay if he’d dropped out of med school.

‘Something like that.’ He shrugged. ‘Anyway, I like it. I’m a night person. How about you?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Smooth.’

He laughed and the sound filled the room. An easy, liquid sound that moved its way right through me. When he finished, he looked at me closely, tilting his head.

‘You said last night that you would tell me, if I truly wanted to know.’ He leaned forward, elbows on his knees.

‘That was then. Things have changed.’

‘Ah.’

‘What does that mean?’ I replied sharply.

‘It sounds like you’ve given up on the world.’

I sat up a little, noticing that the lighting in the room seemed different. I crossed my arms. ‘Not on the world – on people. And I get that that makes me sound insane, but you have no idea what my lives have been like.’

‘So tell me,’ he said, not missing a beat.

‘Why?’ I answered softly. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore.’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘Do you prefer your other life?’

I looked at him, trying to figure out his angle.

‘I guess things are pretty good there,’ he went on.

‘No. Actually things are hard there too.’

‘Do you have a sister there as well? What’s your sister’s name here?’

I narrowed my eyes. ‘Maddie,’ I said, unable to hold off the pang of guilt. She was hands down the best thing about this life. ‘And no, I have two brothers. Ryan and Lucas.’

He watched me, no doubt looking for tell-tale crazy signs.

I huffed. Something about this guy got under my skin. ‘Whatever,’ I said, knowing I was on reckless ground. ‘All right, Ethan, get out your pen.’

He didn’t, but I kept talking anyway. I don’t know why, but once I opened my mouth I couldn’t seem to stop. I told him how the Shift worked. What it was like to have to live every day twice, but have no two days ever the same. To go through every year of school twice, get my period for twice as long each month, know that in some ways I was almost as old as my parents. It all just came out. When the verbal onslaught finished, and he’d had a few moments to get over his shock, he leaned closer to me.

‘So no one can ever know for sure? They can’t see you “Shift”, as you call it?’

I sighed. That was all that mattered – proof beyond all reasonable doubt. ‘You were with me at midnight last night. What do you think?’

His eyes widened. ‘How do you know I was with you at midnight? You were sedated.’

I thought of the hand that had held onto mine, that had seemed to anchor me somehow. ‘I … I don’t know. I just … I thought I felt someone holding my hand when I Shifted back. My mind was awake for a few seconds before the drugs caught up with me. It’s hard to explain. I still don’t even …’

He bit his lower lip. Once again, I found myself mesmerised by the action, staring at the fullness of his mouth, the way his teeth let his lip slowly slide back into place.

‘So what did you do yesterday in your other world?’ he asked.

‘I went to lunch and a movie. I chatted to the French waiter – he liked talking with someone who could speak French – then Dex drove me home. I had dinner with Mom and talked to my friends on the phone. That’s pretty much it. Frankly it was just nice not being tied down and knocked out.’

He let the dig slide. ‘You can speak French?’

‘Yeah. I learned in my other life. I speak it fluently there.’

He nodded slowly. ‘But not here.’

My eyebrows pulled together in frustration. ‘Of course I can speak it here, but I don’t because I’ve never learned it in this life. It would be kind of weird if I just started rambling in French one day.’

‘Right,’ he said, disbelief painted on his face.

I’d had just about enough. ‘My memory comes with me, Ethan.’ And for the first time in my Roxbury life, I began to speak in another language. ‘Si vous voulez que je parle le français pour vous le prouver à vous, je peux parler toute la journée. Et pendant que j’y suis, je n’ai aucune idée pourquoi je ne peux pas cesser de regarder vos lèvres!’ My comeback was delivered in perfect French. You can’t fake that accent.

Ethan looked stunned. ‘What … What did you say?’

I shrugged. ‘Just that if you need me to speak in French to prove it to you, I can speak it all day long.’ I didn’t add I might have also said I found it odd that I couldn’t stop staring at his lips.

He did the head-tilt thing again, as if trying to work me out. I was suddenly self-conscious, wondering if he knew I hadn’t translated everything.

As he paced around the room, I realised the waiter in Le Bon Gout had been right. Once you learned a language, you really could take it anywhere.

‘So,’ he said, between paces, ‘if you can do that, can you get lottery numbers from one world and bring them back in time to win in the other? Or … change a disaster, prevent a car crash or something?’ His tone was still dubious, as though he was only humouring me, but I was sure I’d heard a hint of something more, a new interest brewing.

I shook my head, noticing how much my vision was now playing tricks on me. I held out my hand discreetly and saw the tremble. The Digoxin was working its way into my system.

‘Sabine?’ Ethan prompted.

‘Oh, no. It’s not like that. No get-rich-quick perks or superhero opportunities. There are crossovers, but each world is different. The only things you can fully rely on to remain consistent are language, math, materials, chemicals – stuff like that.’

‘Weather?’ he suggested.

‘Seasons, but not the daily forecast.’

‘Places, buildings?’

‘Are often similar, but slightly altered. Which makes sense to me, since I guess the people who live or work in them would be different.’

Ethan looked at me strangely. ‘You’re slurring, Sabine.’

I tensed, but he was right. I was starting to lose my grip on things and I was feeling increasingly nauseated. I closed my eyes and swallowed, willing my stomach to keep the medication down. When I opened them, the light in the room had a yellowish tinge. I glanced up; there was a halo surrounding the small ceiling light.

‘Sabine?’ Ethan pushed.

‘Must be tired,’ I said, carefully enunciating each word.

‘Should I go?’

‘Ah … maybe not.’

He nodded, looking both concerned and relieved.

I noticed each and every time his teeth went down on his lower lip and internally chastised myself for wondering what those lips would feel like on my own.

‘Have you always hated it?’ he asked.

‘It’s never been easy. At first, when I was a kid, I didn’t realise it didn’t happen to everyone. Then, when I started to understand, I just got … scared. I thought I’d done something wrong and didn’t want to tell anyone. Eventually I learned there was no way to control it, so I started to live with it. I learned to be the person I was expected to be in each world and forget the one I was in the other.’

‘Sounds hard.’

I nodded. ‘I got used to it. Didn’t think there was any other way. Until now.’

‘Because now the physical connection isn’t travelling between the worlds?’ he said, disbelief shining through again.

My vision was getting worse and I had to close my eyes a few times to regain my focus. ‘What time is it?’

‘About 11.40. You’re sweating, Sabine,’ he said, inching closer.

‘Hot,’ I replied, but my heart was racing and I was starting to feel breathless.

Ethan was watching me, but I couldn’t hold his gaze.

‘Just let it go, Ethan. Nothing I say is going to convince you. I can’t bring things back magically or foresee the future. All I have is my memories, and me. So unless I can help you there, we’re at a stalemate.’

He smiled. ‘How about you come back at midnight in,’ he looked at his watch, ‘seventeen minutes and tell me how to say “My name is Sabine and I live in two worlds and I want Ethan to believe me” in …’ He thought about it, his smile widening. ‘Can you only speak French?’

I nodded slowly, not really following. My whole body was going into overdrive.

‘Okay, come back and say that in German.’

I didn’t respond.

‘Sabine?’

I could feel my eyes rolling back, my head falling to the pillow. Then a hand on my forehead.

‘Sabine?’ Ethan’s tone had changed. ‘Why are you so pale?’ His hand moved to the back of my neck. ‘You’re wet all over.’

Before I could say anything my body took over, rolling to the side and convulsing as I threw up on the floor. Something fell to the ground as I did.

Ethan gasped, holding me up. He righted me on the bed, then bent quickly to grab the object from the floor. ‘Jesus Christ, Sabine! What was in this bottle?’ he yelled.

‘Water,’ I stammered before leaning over the edge to vomit again.

‘Tell me what was in it,’ he said urgently.

But I couldn’t answer. My whole body was shaking and the retching wouldn’t stop.

Ethan reached over me and pressed a button on the wall. An alarm sounded. He grabbed my right hand and felt for a pulse. The meds were kicking in harder than I’d planned.

Knowing I might not get another chance, I opened my fist, revealing the inside of my cast, and held it out to him.

‘Digibind?’ he said.

Silence.

Then …

‘Digibind! Jesus, that’s an antidote, isn’t it? Sabine, what have you done? What have you done?’

I couldn’t talk. I just stared into his deep-blue eyes and let them be my anchor.

My door crashed open, people rushed in. Hands moved over me, things were wrapped around my arm. Something cold was on my chest.

Ethan shouted even as his eyes stayed locked on mine. ‘She’s OD’d. I think she’s taken Digoxin. She needs Digibind!’

Someone was pushing him away. I could feel his grip on my hand loosening. With every ounce of will I had, I held on to him.

He stayed. Squeezed back.

Whoever was pushing things over my chest yelled out, ‘Her heart’s going into failure. Somebody get the Digibind, now!’

Hands were all over me. An oxygen mask was strapped to my face.

But it was too late.

Blinking into Ethan’s desperate eyes, I Shifted.