Roxbury, Wednesday–Saturday
Whatever Ethan had written in his report, I figured I owed him one. I was still escorted everywhere by Macie, but it seemed the reins had been loosened. Bathroom visits now included locked-door privacy, albeit time restricted, and I was allowed to eat my meals with the ‘general community’.
Unfortunately my hopes of finding a kindred soul – someone who would give me the inside gossip, show me the secret tunnels, and sneak me into Dr Levi’s office to search through and destroy my files – were short-lived.
My table of lunch companions included an elderly woman, Daisy, with lollipop-pink lipstick – which wasn’t just on her lips. Her lunch was entirely liquid and her only words were to tell me there was a butterfly hatching out of my ear. I assumed she was from the top floor. Next to her was an overweight guy, Gus, who was probably about my age and didn’t even look up from his PSP long enough to say hello. We’d passed each other in the halls, so I knew he was from my floor. I watched him for a while, interested in his ability to shovel food into his mouth without ever looking away from his gamer.
My final lunch buddy was a slender girl, Abigail, who was younger than me, fifteen at most. I found it hardest to look at her. Something or someone had yanked out all of the hair from one side of her scalp, leaving weeping flesh exposed. When she took a few, very measured mouthfuls of food, I could see similar wounds up and down her arms, as if the skin had literally been scraped off. I had an awful feeling Abigail’s injuries were self-inflicted. No wonder Ethan had been so angry to see my cuts.
Dr Levi had sent a message that morning asking to reschedule our daily appointment to 2 p.m., so after lunch I headed to his office. When I knocked and opened the door, he was on the phone. He gestured for me to take a seat in one of the cane chairs. I moved across the room awkwardly and then made the decision to go ahead and drag the chair to the same spot by the window.
‘You should be resting,’ Dr Levi said into the phone. Then, ‘You do know you have nothing to prove to anyone …’ He glanced at me. ‘Okay, fine … If that’s what you want, but I’ll be back up soon and I’m arranging for Dr Milton to stop by.’ He hung up, a worried expression shadowing his features before he seemed to snap out of it.
‘Hello, Sabine. How are you today?’
‘Fine,’ I said, settling into my position, closing my eyes towards the sun.
He sighed. ‘I thought we were going to try to do some of that talking and listening today.’
I hiked my legs up onto the windowsill. ‘I talked to Ethan.’ ‘He mentioned that. But he’s not the only one you can talk to.’
‘Don’t see any point in treading trodden ground.’ ‘Well, judging from his report you didn’t say a great deal.’
I felt my heart skip a beat. Had Ethan kept our conversation last night private? It was hard to suppress the smile. I shrugged for Levi’s benefit.
His next words weren’t what I was expecting. ‘Want to play darts?’
I opened my eyes and looked at him. ‘Are you sure I can be trusted with sharp objects?’
‘Not entirely,’ he answered, even as he held the darts out to me.
I couldn’t stop the grin. I knew it was probably some therapy technique, but I’d always wanted to have a go at darts. Levi stood in the middle of the room, his dated suit and spectacles making him look older than he probably was – I guessed he was around forty-five. I could see why people liked him and would want to talk to him when they had problems. In some ways, I wished it were that simple for me. But I also knew Levi was a man of logic – it was how he brought people around. He needed that logic as the foundation of everything he did, and I wasn’t going to be the one to take that away from him. But darts …?
I stood up and took them from his outstretched hand. ‘What the hell.’
‘Indeed.’
I was edgy with anticipation. I’d always associated this level of anxiety with the Shift, but this wasn’t the same kind of fear. And yet, counting down the minutes to Ethan’s arrival seemed just as nerve-racking. It was hard to make sense of everything that had happened in the early-morning hours with him. I didn’t know if he would be happy to see me tonight or not. Mostly I just wanted to see his face.
When he finally opened my door, I’d been waiting so long I’d almost accepted he wasn’t coming. But then my eyes met his and something inside me relaxed. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought maybe something in him did too.
He held out a coat draped over his arm. ‘So you don’t get cold.’
I beamed. ‘Where are we going?’
‘To the park.’
‘At night?’ I took the coat and slipped it on. I could tell it was his. It had his wintergreen fragrance and I had to stop myself from nestling my face into the fabric.
‘It’s my favourite place, day or night.’
My heart leapt at the thought of Ethan taking me somewhere that was special to him. As if he wanted to share it with me.
Just like he had in the early hours of that morning, Ethan unlocked the window and we slipped outside. I was now grateful for my ground-floor room – and the easy access to the parking lot. Ethan walked straight up to a car, an old-model silver Jeep covered in dried leaves, and opened the passenger door.
‘Don’t drive much?’ I asked, looking at the state of the Jeep. He shrugged. ‘I live nearby, so I hardly use it. Levi lets me park it here.’
I jumped in and before I knew it we were driving through Boston. The relief was so immense, I actually groaned.
‘What is it?’ he asked, glancing between the road and me.
‘Oh, nothing. I just love driving – the freedom. I like the idea that you could put all of your stuff in a car one day and drive until you wanted to stop.’
He nodded, like he totally understood.
I wasn’t sure where we were going until he parked on Arlington Street. ‘The Public Gardens?’
He smiled, jumped out of the car and came round to open my door. The gardens were part of the central city parklands in Boston. I never went there; they were visited mostly by tourists or inner-city workers during their lunch break. But I followed Ethan as he led the way over the waist-high gate and into the park. He stopped near a large weeping willow by the lagoon and started to shake out a blanket.
‘Aren’t we prepared?’ I teased, noticing he had a whole bag of supplies.
‘I come here a lot.’
I looked around. ‘Is it safe here?’
He kept unloading things, a bottle of water and a bag of potato chips. ‘There are some homeless people around, but I give them some money or food now and then and they never bother me. We’re safe.’
It certainly seemed as if we had the park to ourselves. It was amazing – the lights of the city bouncing off the lagoon and highlighting the vibrant green foliage of the willow, its leaves just grazing the water’s edge. The famous swan boats that drew in all the tourists were tied up for the night, their craning white necks turned towards us, while the glowing white lamps above the suspended footbridge completed the fairytale effect. And there I was, in the middle of Boston. With Ethan. I felt the oddest sensation then; this scene didn’t belong in either one of my lives. And yet, it felt … right.
He motioned for me to sit and when I did he draped another blanket over my shoulders. ‘Just in case.’
But then he sat down and I noticed that he was the one who looked as if he needed a blanket. His eyes were dark and he looked tired.
‘Fine. I just get bad migraines. It’s annoying, everyone’s always telling me to rest.’ He looked out over the lagoon as a family of ducks paddled by.
‘Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.’
He smiled and my breath caught as the light hit the perfect angle on his face. It was getting harder to ignore the fact that he was utterly gorgeous.
‘You think I’d be better off staring into the clinic’s fluorescent lights with a headache?’ he said, looking amused as he noticed the way I was staring at him.
‘I guess not.’ I averted my eyes and leaned back on my elbows. ‘Aren’t you going to get into trouble if someone catches us?’
‘Probably.’
‘Doesn’t that worry you?’
‘I guess I think some things are more important than simply following the rules.’ He glanced at me with a raised eyebrow. ‘And you don’t seem to fit into any guidelines anyway.’
I blushed, pleased he didn’t just view me as one of the patients. ‘What do you do in the daytime?’ I continued as I wriggled to make myself more comfortable.
He lay back beside me, putting his arms under his head. ‘This and that.’
‘That’s kind of vague. Family? Friends?’ I prompted, eager to know more about him.
‘No brothers or sisters, and I spend all of my time at the clinic, so I guess most of my friends are there. I keep in touch with some college friends, but not as much as I’d like to.’
I was surprised he seemed so isolated, but somehow it only made me feel closer to him. Still, I couldn’t help thinking Ethan had his own fair share of secrets. ‘Parents?’ I asked.
I saw the pain cloud his eyes before he quickly turned his attention back to the lagoon. ‘House fire three years ago. I was away on a camping trip with my girlfriend at the time.’ He cleared his throat. ‘No one could even contact me. I didn’t find out they were gone until four days after.’
My heart clenched for him. It also explained a lot. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, but it seemed such a useless and empty thing to say. ‘That’s why you’re so … Why you care about …’
He raised an eyebrow again. ‘Whether you live or die?’
I grimaced, but nodded.
‘Partly,’ he responded, pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. ‘Before I forget.’
He was changing the subject. I looked at the list and held back the sigh. More of the same. Languages and chemical questions mostly, for which I was grateful. At least I didn’t have to work out any long mathematical equations. I memorised the list and when I tucked it away I grabbed hold of Ethan’s wrist, turning it to see the time. Eleven p.m. I bit the inside of my cheek nervously.
‘It’s to the second, I promise,’ he said.
Despite the previous night, I believed him.
‘Will you stay out here, with me? While you … At midnight, I mean.’ He still couldn’t say the word ‘Shift’ – it would mean he believed me, when clearly he was still making up his mind.
Normally I hated being around people when I Shifted. Hated being somewhere foreign. But tonight … tonight I found myself nodding, which seemed to please Ethan greatly.
‘What happened to your girlfriend?’ I asked at one point.
I saw his smirk from the corner of my eye. ‘She wasn’t for me.’
‘So you have a type then?’ I asked, teasing despite my racing he art.
He tilted his head towards me, amusement playing in his eyes. ‘No, I’ve always been more interested in finding a one of-a-kind.’
I bit back a smile, but he still caught it, and I heard his soft chuckle.
We stared up at the sky, talking every now and then. Ethan asked questions, but didn’t bombard me or push his views or judgments on me … too much. For the first time in my life – either of them – I felt like I could talk about my lives honestly. And each time I touched his wrist he raised his arm to show me the time, as if we’d always done this.
I tried to keep my cool, but a few minutes before midnight I couldn’t hold back the trembling. Ethan didn’t say anything, he just reached over and took my hand in his. And as I Shifted, I found myself hoping he might never let go.
For the next few days I did everything Ethan asked, sneaking off during my lunch breaks in Wellesley to find the answers to his questions on the internet. I even managed to find a semi-reliable translation program for the languages. I went back and forth between my worlds, maintaining appearances in Wellesley and giving Ethan all the evidence he’d requested.
Each time I Shifted back to Roxbury, he was there, holding my hand, anchoring me. Each time he watched me intently, looking for something. I don’t know what. The night after the park, we went to a late-night café, but I’d suggested we go back to the gardens the following night. He seemed happiest there.
Ethan asked me lots of questions. Some I could answer and some I couldn’t, and for some … there wasn’t an answer he wanted to hear. He just couldn’t accept that I didn’t believe there was a way to live in both worlds happily.
We were lying under our weeping willow on Friday night and I’d just Shifted back from Wellesley and recited my answers – once again, all flawless – when I finally snapped.
‘What would you have me do, Ethan? What’s supposed to happen if I get married one day? Have kids! Am I supposed to do that in both worlds? Leave my children behind every day and go to a new family? Never tell anyone who I really am? Love two different people?’
Ethan rolled onto his side and looked into my eyes, gently wiping away the tear sliding down my cheek.
‘I don’t know. No. Probably not. If you love one person, you love them fully, or there’s no point. Then again …’ he trailed off.
‘Then again, what?’ I sniped.
‘You’re the one who seems to think the only way forward with someone you can’t kiss for longer than ten seconds is to, how did you put it, make plans.’
I shook my head at him, but couldn’t manage a response. Why did he care so much anyway?
‘Maybe you could find the same person in both worlds,’ he suggested, but he seemed to be sharing in my sadness now.
‘It’s unlikely, Ethan. And anyway, even if I did there’s no guarantee they would be the same or … argh!’ It was impossible to explain.
He bit his lip, thinking, and I couldn’t help staring while it slowly slipped out from under his teeth.
‘Sabine, have you ever seen me there?’ he asked hesitantly.
‘No.’
‘Didn’t think so.’
‘Why do you say that?’
He shrugged, still looking at me closely. ‘I think I’d know if I’d met you before. I mean on some level, even if I didn’t remember exactly, part of me, I guess my soul, would know deep down.’
‘Maybe.’ But I wasn’t sure I agreed with that. I’d seen people in both worlds before, like fruit shop guy – people who would surely recognise me if they knew on ‘some level’.
‘You are pretty annoying. That kind of sticks with someone,’ he said with a smirk.
‘Then I definitely haven’t met you in my other life.’
He laughed before settling back down beside me, both of us watching the willow branches sway in the pre-dawn breeze.
‘Sabine?’ he said softly.
‘Hmm.’
‘The choice you’ve been considering … Have you made up your mind?’
The question threw me. I’d thought I had. But saying so to Ethan felt wrong. I couldn’t explain to him how this was my one chance to have the life I’d always wanted. This could be my one chance to actually live.
I sighed. ‘Ethan, don’t.’
‘Yes, then.’ It was his turn to sigh. ‘Won’t it be hard to leave everyone? Your family, Maddie, Capri? Don’t you want to be here for them – be a part of their futures?’
I sat up, not looking at him. ‘You didn’t put yourself on that list.’
He sat up quickly, grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me towards him. ‘Listen to me. This is not about me! This is a choice you have to make for you. It doesn’t matter how much I … It has to be about other things. Not me, Sabine. Not me.’
I recoiled, pulling myself out of his grasp. I was so shocked, I just sat there, frozen. So hurt. Impossibly embarrassed.
Finally, when neither one of us said anything, I stood up. ‘Sun will be up soon. You should take me back.’ I started walking towards the car so he wouldn’t see my face.
When we got back to my room I went straight to the bathroom to change for bed. I couldn’t believe I’d made such a fool of myself. There I was, sneaking out with Ethan every night, thinking maybe there was something between us, something more than I’d dared to even hope for … But there wasn’t. He didn’t want to be part of my world. Not me, he’d said. He didn’t even want to be a consideration.
I’d let myself get carried away.
I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, angry that I’d allowed myself to be derailed so badly. If I’d been more focused on what I should’ve been doing, maybe everything would have been sorted by now. Instead of focusing on Ethan, I should’ve been concentrating on my plan. I still had no idea how I was going to make everything work.
‘Especially since I’m stuck in this shithole!’ I cried to myself, leaning against the sink.
When I got back to my room, I was surprised to see Ethan still there, sitting in the chair, head in his hands.
I climbed silently into bed and rolled over, turning my back to him. ‘I’m tired, Ethan.’
‘Your graduation is coming up, isn’t it?’
I didn’t answer.
‘You said the other day, that after graduation everything would be better. You didn’t just mean you and Dex, did you? It’s all gearing up towards then, isn’t it? So how does it work – does this life end before or after graduation day in your other life?’
I took a deep breath, trying not to give away the fact that I was crying. ‘After,’ I admitted.
‘You’ve got it all worked out. You and Dex will be together, you’ll tie up any loose ends in this world and get your one life. All your dreams will come true.’ His words were heavy with accusation.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. ‘It’s the only dream I have! But thanks for understanding. I get it now, Ethan. I can see how little you think of me. How pathetic I must seem. I should’ve realised sooner and then I wouldn’t have …’
He was on his feet and by my bed. ‘Wouldn’t have what?’
I shook my head and buried my tear-streaked face in the pillow. ‘Just go, Ethan.’
I heard the door close behind him.