Roxbury, Tuesday

From nightmare to dream. I was in his arms, his lips on mine. But my nightmare was still with me and I flinched, gasping, as my body anticipated the final blow from Dex’s fist.

Ethan scrambled to his feet as I fought to catch my breath. He looked at the clock and grimaced.

I tried to calm myself down. I’m okay. I’m back. With Ethan. I closed my eyes for a moment. I was safe.

But when I opened them, Ethan was backing up towards the door, the sadness in his eyes making my heart twist. His brow furrowed and he bit down on his beautiful lower lip before looking away. ‘I’ll leave. I …’ He hung his head. ‘I’ll leave you alone.’

My eyes filled with tears. He thought I’d flinched from him. Thought that it meant …

‘Ethan,’ I breathed, barely able to find the oxygen. ‘Please don’t go.’

He looked at me again. He must have seen my changed expression because he took a few tentative steps towards me. ‘Sabine, you’re shaking … more than usual. Are you …? Is everything …? Did …? Jesus, Sabine, just tell me!’

I took a deep breath. It was an impossible situation. The world I’d thought had crumbled was now resuscitating me – just as the world in which I’d put all my hopes and dreams for a future was tearing me apart. But right then, looking into Ethan’s eyes, there were more important things to say.

‘I love you too. And not just because you believe me.’

In two strides he was back, sitting on my narrow bed, pulling me to him as if our lives depended on it. When he leaned back, his eyes searching mine, I could see what still haunted him.

‘Sabine …?’

I cupped his face with my hand. ‘No, Ethan. I didn’t sleep with Dex. I couldn’t. How could I?’ And then he was kissing me while somewhere else Dex was killing me. But right in that moment, heaven was mine.

Would this be how it worked?

Would I die in Wellesley, after all of this?

Suddenly, despite all my theories, all the tests, I wasn’t so confident that if I did die in Wellesley, my life – the life I’d been so willing to throw away – would go on in Roxbury.

A strange thing.

Ethan’s hand stroked my face. ‘I love you,’ he murmured.

Before I knew what I was doing I had taken Ethan’s keys from his pocket and was at the door, locking it silently. When I turned back to him and saw him staring at me, intense love in his eyes, I was sure there was nothing I wanted more than to be with him. I walked towards him, taking off my top as I did. Right now, there was nothing to stop us.

‘Sabine –’ he started, but I shook my head, joining him on the bed, laying a light kiss at the base of his neck.

‘Don’t say no, Ethan.’

‘I’m not really at my best tonight,’ he said, sounding nervous and breathless at the same time.

‘Don’t say no,’ I repeated. ‘Not unless you really want to.’

He squirmed even as his arms went back around me. ‘There are things I need to tell you. I have no right to do this, no right to have you. When I … you might not want to.’

I kissed him again. ‘Then don’t tell me. Not now. Tell me later. Right now, I love you and you love me, and I don’t know how, but I know this is right. I want it to be you, Ethan. I want my first time to be with you.’

He ran his hands through my hair and pulled me close.

‘A first and a last then,’ he mumbled, turning his face towards mine and returning my kisses.

He was everything I’d wanted him to be and so much more. Loving, gentle, considerate. He made the tiny bed seem like a good thing, and he slowed down when needed, caressing me, talking sweet nothings to me and guiding gently. He seemed to savour every moment as if he were imprinting it on his mind, taking his time to search out every curve and freckle on my body, tracing my face over and over with his fingertips. He even found the birthmark behind the back of my knee. And after he explored me, he watched, fascinated, as I explored him in return.

When I found the bruises on his lower belly and what looked like needle marks in his arm, I started to question him, but he stopped me with the kinds of kisses that blew my mind.

Eventually, when there was no part of either one of us that had gone untouched, no place he hadn’t made me tingle and sear and want for a lifetime of the same, he wrapped me in his arms.

‘I was sure I’d never have this,’ he said softly, stroking my hair.

‘What?’

‘Love.’

I half laughed. ‘Do not even try to tell me you haven’t done that before.’

He chuckled too. ‘Not like that. Not with the love part.’

I looked up at him. He was still out of breath. ‘Are you okay. You look …’

He raised his eyebrows. ‘Exhausted?’

I smiled, rather happy with myself. ‘Well, at least no one will ever accuse us of not being thorough.’ I didn’t expand on it, tell him that a big part of it had been from my own desperation – to hang onto this for as long as I could before going back to face what I must. I couldn’t bear to ruin the moment yet.

Ethan decided to get serious anyway. ‘I meant what I said, Sabine. You need to choose life, not death. You can’t strip away half of what you are and expect to be okay.’

I sighed, still not ready for this conversation. ‘It’s just so hard. I’m two completely different people. I hate it.’

‘I get why you’ve had to do that in the past, but you’re eighteen now. You’ve finished school –’

‘Twice,’ I cut him off.

He grinned. ‘Twice. I know that if you put your mind to it, you can find a way to be you – the same you – in both worlds. You won’t be like everyone else, but who has the same life as anyone else anyway?’ He went back to stroking my hair and I relished every touch. ‘If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t have ever found you. You never know what could be just around the corner in either one of your lives.’

Unfortunately I had a terrible feeling I knew what was around the corner in my Wellesley life. But as I lay in Ethan’s arms, everything in that world seemed to matter so much less. ‘I like where I am right now,’ I said, my hand tracing the contours of his arms. He looked down and I saw how dark the circles beneath his eyes were. ‘When was the last time you slept?’

He shrugged off the question, refocusing on me. ‘This choice has to be about you, Sabine. It’s not fair to make it about me and I don’t want you to. I want you to make it for you. You need to think about that before you make any final decisions. Will you promise me that?’

I wasn’t entirely sure the decision belonged to me anymore. Even so, I nodded. ‘Promise.’

‘And promise me that you won’t do anything rash. Today, for example.’

I nodded again and he held me close, sighing with relief. I was on the verge of telling him about Dex, about everything that had happened in my other world, but when I looked up he was already asleep. He looked so tired. I brushed my fingers lightly down his face. There was a cool sweat on his neck and his breathing seemed oddly shallow.

I watched him for as long as I could – strangely determined to guard over him – until finally I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Before I fell asleep I swore to myself that by the time I Shifted tonight I’d know what Ethan was hiding from me.

When I woke up he wasn’t there. I was disappointed, but I also wasn’t surprised. We were in a medical clinic; it wouldn’t exactly be acceptable for him to be found waking up in a patient’s bed. The thought actually made me laugh out loud – or maybe it was just the afterglow from being with Ethan. Either way I brushed aside the feeling of unease and resolved to get through my day until I could see him that night. Then I’d tell him about Dex and we’d work out what to do, together.

My parents chose that day to visit – which didn’t go too badly. Mom had clearly had a lot of time to think about everything, and after our awkward greeting and obligatory small talk she said, ‘Your dad and I were thinking that, well, if it’s okay with you, we would like to consider some family counselling.’

I nodded, appreciating her efforts. But more counselling was the last thing I wanted.

‘Dr Levi told us you’ve been showing very promising signs. I can tell he’s confident things will work out soon,’ Dad proudly informed me. Mom and Dad had clearly taken this one bit of good news and run with it. As far as they were concerned, recovery was imminent. I let them believe it, even though I had started to formulate my own opinion of Levi’s use of the word ‘soon’. I was glad my appointment with him that morning had been cancelled due to some emergency.

My parents did most of the talking. Apparently Denise had asked them if she could visit me. I don’t know why – maybe she felt bad about me landing in this place after her random stock-check of the drugstore. The thought reminded me of the current drug stash I had wedged beneath my mattress.

I sighed. Was now the moment to make my choice? Hand back the pills I’d stolen? Was today the day? Here, with my parents? That was what Ethan wanted – for me to make this choice for myself. But looking at Mom’s and Dad’s faces, their eagerness for everything to be okay, for it to be the way it once was, I just couldn’t do it to them.

I’d let them have today and ask Ethan to help me get rid of the pills later. Also … I couldn’t deny there was a small part of me that still wasn’t a hundred per cent ready to hand them over.

I took a deep breath. ‘It’s really good to see you, Mom. I’m sorry things have been so …’

She waved a hand in the air, dismissing my attempts at an apology. I found it frustrating.

‘Do you think I could maybe talk to Maddie on the phone in a few days? I really miss her.’

Mom and Dad looked at each other before Mom turned to me with a small nod. ‘That sounds like a good idea. She’s been missing you.’

For the rest of the visit we talked about general stuff. When we said goodbye, they told me they’d visit again in a couple of days and couldn’t wait until I was home, before more awkward hugging. I told them Denise could drop by tomorrow if she wanted.

After they left, I found myself thinking better of them than I had in a while. I was going to Shift into an all-bad situation tonight – when Dex was done with me I didn’t know what would happen. I hoped I would have the opportunity to set things right with my Roxbury parents.

For the rest of the day, the minutes dragged and raced all at once, my desperation to see Ethan building until it was almost unbearable. I needed to tell him about Dex, about what was happening to me. I needed to prepare myself for what was happening. Even though there was nothing I could do, I needed Ethan with me, holding me, telling me not to be scared. Where was he?

Night fell and Ethan still hadn’t come.

I sat in my chair, paced my room, and stuck my head into the hall when there was a crazy rush of phone calls and nurses running up and down the corridors. But no Ethan.

When Levi walked into my room at 10 p.m. I was bordering on hysterical. It took a moment to register who he was, since he was in plain clothes instead of his usual doctor’s coat.

‘Sabine.’ He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. ‘Sorry to disturb you, but I was in the clinic this evening and thought I’d pop my head in and apologise for missing our session today …’

I tried to keep my tone calm. ‘It’s okay. I figure I can just chat to Ethan tonight anyway. Is he here yet?’

Levi seemed taken aback. ‘Oh. Sabine, I’m … I’m awfully sorry … Ethan …’ He cleared his throat. ‘Ethan won’t be in tonight. Ah, would you like me to arrange someone else to visit you?’

‘No! Where’s Ethan?’ I snapped, pacing again. ‘Is there something going on?’

Levi rubbed his face again, like he’d just gotten out of bed. ‘He’s … Sabine, I’m sorry, but I have to get going. I’ll be in to see you in the morning.’

I started panicking, shaking my head. ‘Wait, I can’t … I need to speak to Ethan! Is he at work at all? Is he home? Where is he? Can I at least call him on the phone? Please. I promise he’d want to take my call.’

He shook his head. ‘Not tonight, Sabine.’

And he left me all alone, like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I was breathless.

Petrified.

The worst Shift of my entire life was ahead of me and I was alone. I hadn’t anticipated, hadn’t even considered that he wouldn’t come back to me.

Because he wouldn’t do that.

Where was he? Something had to be wrong.

Had they found out about us? Was he in trouble?

I contemplated using my key to get out, to search for him. But where would I go? I didn’t even know where he lived. And if I got caught and they found the key, I knew they’d blame him. I couldn’t risk that.

I glanced around the room in a panic; my eyes fell on the battery-operated clock. The time!

Shit.

I sat on the bed as the minutes neared midnight.

I had chosen to live. Now I was going to die.

And the only person I wanted to be with had disappeared.

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. I did everything in those final minutes to find my anchor. But I knew without a doubt, it was Ethan.

Deep breaths. I can do this, I told myself. If I wasn’t going to be the one making this decision, I was damned if I was going to let someone else make it for me.

No matter what happened, I was coming back. To my life here, my family, my friends, my future.

To Ethan.