NINETEEN

MAGGIE

"You've got to be exaggerating."

"No, I'm serious!" 

I took another hit from the vape pen and held my hands apart as I blew out the smoke for dramatic effect. 

"It's seriously this big." 

"You need to get the tape measure out next time and check your math." Angie snatched the pen from me and pretended to give it a blowjob. "No normal dude is that big. That's like porn star status." 

"I never said he wasn't a porn star," I replied smugly. 

I was rubbing it in and we both knew it. Angie teased me relentlessly for years about being a virgin, all the while complaining about guys who didn't know the first thing about pleasing a woman. She found it grossly unfair that my first and only lover made me come as effortlessly as breathing, with a handsome face and an amazing body to boot. 

"A porn star pastor. How about that," she chuckled, blowing smoke out the side of her mouth through the window screen. 

I chewed my lip as I stared out of my bedroom window, hesitating on telling her what was really on my mind. 

The ledge was just big enough to sit on, making this place my only solace in this house. It was the perfect place to smoke and talk privately since the breeze carried every smell and word outside. When Mom listened at my door, she couldn't hear a damn thing. 

"I think... I might be catching feelings," I admitted. 

"See? What did I tell you?" Angie said, wagging her finger at me. 

"It's nothing to do with him being my first," I said. "It's just... him. He's everything I ever wanted and he just happens to be my first."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch now," Angie warned. "Us ladies get the urge to sow our wild oats, too." 

"I don't see that happening," I replied, looking at her with a bit of surprise. With all her complaining about finding someone who was both a good man and a good lover, I figured she'd tell me to hold onto Kaine and never let go. 

"I'm not saying it will happen to you, just that it does happen," she said. "I mean you hit the fucking man lottery and all. There's not much else to compare to out there." 

I brought my knees to my chest and hugged my arms around them as I watched a bird hopping on tree branches out the window.

"Do you think he'll ever feel that way about me?" I asked, voicing my biggest fear. "You know since he was married for a while already. Like maybe he'll get tired of me and want to play the field." 

A small part of me hoped Angie would scoff and say, "No! Of course not! He'd be an idiot to give you up!" in a protective, best friend tone. But I knew she was too honest for that. In all fairness, that honesty was why I liked her.

"Well, I don't know the guy," she said. "He's taking a pretty big risk by seeing you, so there's that." 

I nodded an agreement as I rested my chin on my knees. That was the other big worry in the back of my mind. Kaine could lose his job because of me. He'd be cast out of the community. People would either blame me for seducing him like an evil temptress or take pity on me for being naive enough to fall for a charming, handsome older man. 

Either way, neither one of us would be welcome at church anymore. But would he still want to be with me if the shit hit the fan? Or would he resent and hate me for ruining his life? 

"Here's another thing to consider," Angie said after a failed attempt at blowing smoke rings. "Guys that have been married, or dating someone for lots of years, sometimes stay pretty chummy with their exes." 

An invisible fist squeezed around my heart as I snatched the vape pen back from her and took a long drag. 

"He doesn't talk to her. I know that for a fact," I said. "That miserable bitch cheated on him." 

I thought about Kaine's ex-wife more than I liked to admit, although I never asked him about her. Mostly I was jealous that she had him first and furious that she was too blind to see how good she had it. 

I was jealous that he not only loved her for years but loved her enough to put a ring on her finger and make eternal vows. 

I knew my feelings weren't rational and Angie was right. I shouldn't get ahead of myself. 

Kaine made me feel happy and good enough to place my head above the clouds but I had to stay grounded. No one in their right mind would approve of me sleeping with my pastor, because that's all it was. 

Just sex.

Really good, mind blowing sex yes, but I had to keep my feelings in check too. No matter how much my heart melted when he smiled at me, or when his arm tightened around me at night while we slept. 

"Time for me to go to work," Angie sighed, taking one final, long hit from the vape and looked like a steam engine as she exhaled. "Take it one day at a time, chica. You'll be alright no matter what happens."

"Thanks," I muttered, keeping my gaze focused out the window.

I contemplated my life for a few minutes after Angie left before sliding off the ledge, returning my vape pen to its hiding place, and heading downstairs for some food. 

Mom pretended to flip through the mail as I came down but I knew she had been trying to listen to us talk. She'd been in an extra bitchy mood for the last several days, probably because she could see how happy I was. 

I ignored her eyes raking over me as I walked to the refrigerator and opened the door. She was almost as creepy as a gross old man with the way she stared at me. 

"I hope you're not planning on going anywhere dressed like that," she sneered. 

"Seriously?" I turned and looked at her. I was in gym shorts and a T-shirt. "I am going to be up in my room all night, not that it matters to you." 

"Doing what?" she demanded. 

"Reading the Kama Sutra," I shot back. 

Her expression told me she had no idea what that was. She probably thought it had to do with devil worship, and continued prodding the hornet's nest. 

"So you're not going out with Angie tonight, looking like prostitutes?" 

I slammed the refrigerator door shut, having lost my appetite. 

"I'm not having this conversation," I barked, shoving past her to go back upstairs. 

From the corner of my eye, I saw Dad in the family room in front of the TV again. Completely and purposefully oblivious to anything not on the screen. 

"Pastor Cross's wife is back at church, isn't that great news?" 

I froze mid-step and slowly turned around to face my mother. Her face looked jubilant, which sent the ice in my veins boiling in fury. 

"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "He's divorced." 

"Apparently that never finalized, or so the ladies from church tell me," she said, laying the smugness on as thick as peanut butter. "And you know what the best part is?" 

"What?" I couldn't help but ask and she knew it. My heart felt like it was bracing itself for impact.

"She's pregnant!" Mom declared, clapping her hands together. "It's so wonderful they've gotten back together to raise their little family."