EIGHT

KAINE

Regret and relief. 

Two equal and opposite forces fought against each other within me as I watched Maggie leave. 

She hesitated at the door and gave me a final look and a small smile over her shoulder before following Angie out to her car. 

I closed the door after them slowly, fighting the urge to keep it open and watch her leave until I couldn't see her anymore. My feet wanted to run out the door after her and ask her to stay. Maybe we could talk more over coffee or breakfast. Maybe she could take her clothes off again and this time I would join her. 

It didn't take being a pastor to realize my thoughts were beyond inappropriate. Drunk or not, she was still over a decade younger than me and any kind of intimacy would create an imbalanced power dynamic. No matter what, I'd always be a predator taking advantage of her. 

And the very idea of that only turned me on and made me crave her tight little body even more. 

I slid the deadbolt into place and downed the rest of my coffee before heading over to my workout equipment for my daily exercise. 

After some light stretches I got into my warm-up routine of burpees and mountain climbers to get my heart rate up. I did those for about five minutes straight before moving on to diamond pushups. 

I always pushed myself hard in my workouts. Putting my body through stress and a little bit of pain gave me the slightest glimpse into Christ's suffering. It was a constant reminder of my humanity, my imperfections. Pushing my body to its limits served to always make sure that I strived for God's approval and His forgiveness for my sins. 

I was feeling strong that morning. Diamond push ups were too easy so I flexed my core, drawing my abs in with a sharp exhale. I focused my breath and my mind until my lower body lifted itself into a handstand. With careful control and balance, I bent my elbows to lower and raise my body in a set of handstand pushups. 

Sweat dripped from my forehead and neck when I finished my set and I peeled my shirt off when my feet hit the ground again. 

With no barrier between my bare skin and the air, my thoughts drifted to Maggie's naked body in my bed. 

Fuck. 

I tied a 45-lb plate around my waist and started my leg lifts while hanging from the pull-up bar. My muscles screamed and I grunted from the effort but I couldn't stop. I had to suffer for my sinful thoughts. I had to get my desire for her out of my system. 

A couple times I awoke during the night and saw her lying next to me. She slept peacefully during the night and looked like an angel. I should've left the bed and gone to the couch but I did keep my distance to the opposite side of the bed and she looked so beautiful.

Not that it mattered in God's eyes, but I barely saw her intimate areas. My eyes feasted on her bare back which was covered in a beautiful constellation of freckles. Each one of them deserved a kiss or several.  

Beyond that I only saw the top of her buttocks as she slid her pink lacy underwear off and the mouthwatering curve of the side of her breasts as she released them from the cage of her bra. 

She flopped down on her side, facing away from me as the mattress supported her sweet curves and she pulled the sheet over her shoulders. 

Sleep looked like it came to her immediately. Her slender shoulder rose and fell with her even breathing the moment she laid down.  

No, it didn't matter that I didn't see any parts of her that would be censored on most American TV shows. I yearned for her naked skin against mine all the same. Sinking into her and tasting my fill of her until her pleasure coated my tongue and my cock. 

And still, while she slept in my bed next to me during the night, I felt in control of myself. The wild, lustful animal within had another duty. To protect and watch over rather than ravage.  

Even in my tipsy state of mind with a naked girl next to me, I truly felt protective of her rather than sexual. 

Having both primal instincts warring within me, to protect and to ravage, felt like an internal battle that I never felt before. 

I often felt protective of my wife and we were intimate in our marriage, but I rarely lusted after her like this. Sometimes I lusted after unattainable women but the feeling would calm after an intense workout and prayer. But never had I felt each side of me wage so strongly for a single person. 

My abdomen felt like knives were slicing through it as I finished my leg lifts. But adrenaline and testosterone still coursed through my body like a life force. I couldn't stop. I had to suffer more. 

Groaning from muscle fatigue, I flexed my biceps and pulled up until my chin reached the bar before slowly lowering and doing it again.

I did it nineteen more times until I couldn't anymore. My fingers released the bar and I dropped to the ground, collapsing in exhaustion. I sucked in deep breaths while my pulse fired rapidly.

Climbing to my shaky legs, I removed the weight and headed for the shower. 

Despite feeling nearly dead from my workout, it only took a few minutes under the hot stream of water for my heart rate to slow down and my breathing to return to normal. 

And with that, my lust for Maggie returned with a vengeant hardening of my cock. 

I slid my hand down my chest, over the ridges of my abdomen and hesitated before gripping my shaft in my fist.

It had been years since I touched myself, since before I was married. Out of respect for Rachel, I never did it while we were together. Most Christians believed masturbation was sinful in general, and definitely an act of selfishness while married. Even I preached that intimacy should only be shared between married lovers. 

And while my wife and I were separated, I simply never had the desire. 

Until now. 

I squeezed up the length of my shaft and audibly groaned as I closed my eyes. It felt good. Too good.

Just as quickly as I shut them, I snapped my eyes open. It was too easy to see Maggie behind my eyelids, naked with her porcelain skin flushed with heat. Her red lips parting softly as she moaned beneath me. 

My hand continued moving along my cock as I forced myself to stare at the tiled walls of the shower. I tried to think of anyone else. An actress. A porn star. Even my ex-wife.

My erection remained rock hard and almost painful. But nothing gave me release. No one but Maggie.

I thought of how warm and soft she felt in my lap. How badly I wanted to push her down on the couch and feel her legs wrap around my hips. To kiss her with every ounce of pent up desire, frustration and loneliness I felt since my life took this fucked up downward spiral. 

"Fuck," I groaned and steadied myself against the wall as my cock burst once, twice, three times with powerful shots of cum before dribbling out the rest.

Only then did I feel fully spent. My eyes drooped heavily with fatigue as the tension left my body like an exorcised demon. I felt so utterly relaxed and foggy-brained I considered lying down for a nap. 

But I chose instead to grab a second cup of coffee the moment I dried off and put clean clothes on. Tomorrow was Sunday, which meant work had to be done today. 

I booted up my laptop and opened the document with the outline to my sermon I’d be delivering tomorrow. Coffee in hand, I grabbed a few religious texts off my bookshelf and settled in front of the computer. 

I had to focus.

This talk had to redeem me in the eyes of my congregation tomorrow. I had to give them something positive and inspiring that would stick in their brains. If I could make them forget all about my divorce, the gossip would stop and maybe I could finally move on with my life.

We all sinned. God saw it all, but my fellow imperfect humans didn’t need to know what I did in the shower just now. Or who I thought about while doing it.