I couldn’t bear to see Matthew so heartbroken and defeated. I could tell that he was trying his best to feel one ounce of goodness, but he needed to know there were other routes he could take. I could be there for him if he’d just let me.

Unable to sleep, I walked into the kitchen in the early morning. The sky was still dark, and the birds were still asleep. “Fuck,” I groaned and stretched my arms.

“Fuck is right. Can’t sleep?” Quickly turning around, I recognized my brother’s new voice, older and cracked from puberty. He was twirling a cigarette in his fingers while staring out of the window.

After pouring myself a glass of water, I walked over to the couch and stood in front of him. “Mind if I sit down?” I asked.

Without turning his head, he nodded. “Sure. Doesn’t take back what I said yesterday.”

Ignoring him, I sat down and stared out the same window. It was relaxing this early in the morning, but the house always seemed to put a damper on my happiness. Things had to change fast if my brother wanted to find redemption in his life.

“The house finally looks clean. What did you do? Hire a crew?” Matthew asked.

Before I went to sleep, I cleaned the place up as much as I could. When I finished, I counted over twelve pill bottles. It made me wonder how many more were hidden in this house.

“How long has this been going on for, Matthew?”

Feeling the strain, Matthew clenched his jaw. Forced to deal with our parents’ addiction, he had been made to feel weak. Unable to help our parents, he had to watch them fall into a darker version of themselves. It wasn’t fair.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said.

Standing up, he headed for his room, but I grabbed his wrist. “Wait. Just hear me out. I’m not your enemy,” I said.

“Cool.”

“Ma is still sleeping, and God only knows where dad is. What do you think about skipping class today? We could go camping. Remember when we used to go all of the time?” I asked.

Pulling his wrist from my grasp, he shrugged and walked through the hall. “I don’t need your permission to skip class, dude.”

“Matthew,” I hissed. He didn’t stop walking. “Fine. I guess I’ll have to drink that whole case of beer myself.”

At the end of the hallway, Matthew stopped and turned around. “I thought you were against all that shit. I’m only seventeen, remember?”

“I’ll allow one beer,” I said. “People in Europe drink younger.” A smile escaped his lips, and I smiled back at him.

“Fine. I’ll go camping with you. But if I feel like leaving at all, you have to let me go. I’m tired of being forced into situations I don’t like,” he said.

It was a deal. I had won Matthew’s trust for the time being, but I had to be smart about connecting with him. “I’m going to get everything ready in the car. Take a shower, and I’ll meet you outside. Cool?”

“Cool.”

Once everything was ready, and we were on the road toward the campsite, I felt the distance between us start to dwindle. All of the resentment he had toward me was a defense mechanism. I knew that much, but I still felt the nagging guilt pull at me.

To Matthew, I was the guy who left him to fend for himself. I was just the asshole who ran to New York City to “discover himself.”

In the midst of our silence, I decided to turn on the radio to the classic rock station. As soon as the twangy guitars rang out, Matthew shook his head and turned the volume down. “Credence Clearwater? Really?”

Laughing, I let him have free reign on the radio. “What’s wrong with Credence? We used to always listen to them on the ride up,” I said.

“I didn’t have taste then,” he said, proudly turning the station to a number I didn’t even know existed. The pounding kick drums echoed loudly. A mixture of screams and beat-filled rhythms filled the car.

Shit, things had changed. “This is what you listen to now? It sounds like the gates of hell opening up,” I said.

Matthew laughed and turned the volume down. “It’s all good. You’re an old man now. Can’t keep up with us young folk.”

“Honestly, if this is where we’re headed as a culture, I don’t want to keep up,” I said.

I could see the campsite in the distance. Although Matthew didn’t say anything to reveal his excitement, I could see that Matthew was motivated to have a good day. At the time being, that was all that mattered to me.

Parking the car, I felt my phone vibrate for the third time. Matthew reached in front and grabbed it from the center console. “Who’s Marcus?” he asked.

I took the phone from his hand and thought of a lie. “He’s just a friend,” I said, opening the car door. “By the way, my phone is my property. Don’t touch it again.”

“Jesus. Chill out,” he muttered under his breath.

I did not need to deal with questions about my sexual partners. I turned off my phone and stuffed it into my pocket. Whatever Marcus wanted from me had to wait.

The entire campsite was vacant, which meant we were free to do anything that we wanted. We could scream off the cliffs like we used to, or stay up late telling ghost stories to each other. I used to love doing that with Matthew. The one problem was that I didn’t know how to set up the tent I had found in the garage.

Matthew watched me as I hammered the poles into the soft dirt. He laughed when I realized the tent was missing some pieces. “Is this actually hard for you? I thought you tie ropes for a living.”

My kink wasn’t my source of income. It was something sacred, similar to a ceremony or ritual. “Check the bag. There should be another pole in there,” I said.

Matthew checked, but there weren’t any poles. “Guess we’re just going to have to head home after we drink these beers,” he said, grinning.

“No,” I muttered. “There has to be a way.”

I wasn’t going to give up that easy. If anything, the pole had to be somewhere close. At least, that’s what I thought. Though, right when I started searching, I saw the dark clouds roll in above us.

“Shit. It’s going to storm. We should go,” Matthew urged.

“No. The weather app said there was only a ten percent chance of rain. We can still do this,” I said.

Running to the car, I quickly opened the trunk and dug inside, tossing everything aside. Finally, as I heard the crack of thunder, I found the pole. Of course, by the time I started walking back, the clouds had turned the bright and shining sky into something dark and sinister.

Matthew stood up, alert. “We should honestly go. It’s going to rain soon, dude,” he said.

But as soon as I reached into the case of beers and handed him a can, he sat back down. “We can do this,” I repeated. “When we work together, we can do anything.”

Matthew laughed. After two sips of his drink, he set it down. Something was on his mind. Staring into the forest, he seemed to be looking inward. “I’m not as bad as you think I am,” he finally said.

The words hit me hard. “Is that what you think I think of you?”

All those years I didn’t call or visit… they added up. I had so much shit to think about back then. I didn’t know how my actions would affect my brother. Clearly, they had done a number on him.

“I don’t know. Sometimes I think the entire world thinks I’m the antichrist or something,” Matthew said.

I placed my arm around him and tried to hug him, but he pushed me away. “You’re not the antichrist, Matthew. You’re a good kid.”

“Then why doesn’t mom ever talk to me? And why the hell hasn’t dad come home in over a month?”

A month? Jesus. I had no idea it had been that long.

“Matthew, they’re not themselves right now. They don’t mean—”

Matthew stood up again, body shaking. “Remember when mom used to put all of your school projects on the fridge? It was easy for them to be normal then,” he said. “Ever since you left this place, people look at me differently.”

“That’s not true, man. Don’t go down this road. We were having such a good time,” I said.

A realization washed over his face. Another loud crack of thunder could be heard over our heads, and the light drizzle of rain started to tap against the expansive tree branches.

Nature sure was a bitch sometimes. The rain picked up speed and intensity. Soon enough, the wind was knocking our bodies back, telling us to pack it in and go home.

With the rain trailing down his face, Matthew stood up and walked over to me. He threw the beer can against the ground and gritted his teeth, quickly becoming someone I didn’t recognize.

“You know what? The more I think about it, the clearer it becomes. You’re just like dad,” he said.

My brother turned around and started to walk into the heart of the forest. “Don’t you dare run off. You’ll get lost in there,” I said.

“Lost? Me?” A sharp cackle left his throat. “I’m already lost.”

Without any warning, my brother bolted into the woods, leaving me in shock. Running was never one of my strong suits, but as soon as I felt my heels hit the ground, a rush of adrenaline shot me forward.

“Matthew! Stop!” I screamed.

He wasn’t stopping for anyone, let alone me, but I wasn’t stopping either. I had my sights on him. “Leave me alone!” he shouted.

As the rain fell on our faces, I could barely see, but I was gaining on him. Reaching my hand out, I felt his jacket whip against my fingers. “I’m not letting you go that easy,” I said.

“Why not? You already did once.”

Matthew’s words hit hard, but not as hard as the sunken log that smacked against my ankle. I tripped, falling to the wet earth floor, soaking my clothes in mud and leaves. Matthew, of course, managed to make a clean escape.

“Matthew!” He stopped for one brief second, deciding on what to do. “Come on, man. I fucked up my leg. Help me up.”

At that moment, Matthew made a decision. He decided to leave me just like I left him.