Weeks passed, and still, I hadn’t called Sawyer. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I thought it about it every second of the day, but there was so much I had to take care of with myself first.

The chief had me on his shit list for talking back to him. I knew better than to talk back to someone at the top of the chain, but I desperately wanted to solve this case.

“The case is closed, Marcus,” Derrick told me.

I held the case files in my hands, reviewing the essential elements. In the end, none of Fulton’s comments made any sense. It felt like we were jumping to conclusions. “In what way has this case been solved, Derrick? The more we dive into this case, the more I feel like we’re missing something,” I said.

Derrick closed the case files and crossed his arms. “You’re losing yourself to fantasies, officer. Don’t make the same mistake others have in the past.”

I glared at him. “I don’t make mistakes.”

Derrick loosened up, but it had become apparent that my partner wasn’t going to help me on this case. If I wanted to find out the truth, I would have to dig on my own accord.

“Marcus, I don’t care how perfect your record is. It doesn’t change the fact that the orders have come in,” he said. “When the chief makes a decision, it’s final.”

Think about your promotion. If you shut your mouth, you’ll rise like a shining star. I could hear the words of my father echo in my head. But where was the justice in all of this?

I told my partner that I’d stop pushing my theories on the case, but he didn’t have to know that I wasn’t going to hold myself back each night that I got home. No, I was going to figure this thing out. And when I did, the whole department would have my back.

“You want my advice? Take a few days off at home. Watch a movie on Netflix or two. It’ll help ease your mind. After you rest, you’ll be able to think clearer.”

“Sure thing, Derrick. I’ll see you after the weekend,” I said.

Sure, I had let myself fall into some conspiracy theories. I knew that I looked a little nutty for bringing up the backpack thing, but when something stands out, an officer of the law has a duty to follow it to its logical conclusion.

My partner didn’t know what I knew. Matthew gave me the pill bottle. I followed up on it. The doctor prescribing the pills passed away this year. Someone was using his name. But who?

The entire time I spent driving to Sawyer’s house, that question rang in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What did Sawyer’s brother know that we didn’t?

There was an even better question to be asked: What did Sawyer know that we didn’t?

It could have been nothing. Coincidences happened every single day, especially in highly populated areas. Then again, sometimes, things connect in the weirdest ways.

I had to keep digging.

Standing in Sawyer’s driveway, I saw his shadow walk past the blinds of the windows. When he came outside, he waved. “Sorry. I can’t let you in. It’s a mess in there,” he said.

“Sawyer, you know me. I don’t mind. I live in the city, remember?” I asked.

But when Sawyer looked shamefully at the front door, I knew what he meant. “Maybe later, okay?”

For the first time in nearly two months, I hugged him. In Sawyer’s arms, I was safe, and the worries disappeared like the summer rain. Falling into his embrace, I breathed in the air around us. The smell of his cologne took me back to that night.

But he was holding himself back. Typically, his grip was intense and commanding. At that moment, there was still an uneasy distance between us.

“It’s going to be okay, Sawyer,” I said, releasing from him.

My words were supposed to be comforting, but they made me stiffen with worry. I knew I had to open up about everything. I had put up an endless line of walls, shielding my emotions from even myself, but the reality was pushing its way through.

Some days were worse than others, but as a cop, I learned to bury what I was feeling. This day, in particular, was no different.

“I just want to know one thing,” Sawyer said. “Yesterday, why were you out to get me? I couldn’t understand it. You threw me under the bus, Marcus.”

“I was an asshole yesterday,” I said.

“Yeah. No shit.” Sawyer scoffed and took a big step back. “I’m not sure if this is a good idea. Maybe we have to move on.”

“What are you saying, Sawyer? That I drove all this way for nothing?” I asked.

I felt my nerves tighten. “What I expected was a heartfelt apology. So far, I’ve gotten nothing from you.”

“Have you ever given me a chance to apologize? It’s been two minutes, and you haven’t even asked how I’m coping,” I said.

“You’re really going to make this all about you, aren’t you?”

I knew that my words came off as selfish, but there was more going on with me than he knew. The emotional burden of the case was huge, and all I wanted was for one normal person to talk to. However, I knew I was wrong. He deserved more.

I took a step further and held my hands out. “I’m sorry. You deserve an apology. I just… I miss you, but I know this is all my fault,” I said.

Finally, Sawyer took a few steps off of the porch and met me, but he didn’t take my hands. He just kept walking. “Come on. Let’s take a little walk. I know of a place where we can sit. You can tell me everything that’s on your mind,” he said.

As I walked closely with him, my mind started to wander back to when we first met. The first time I laid eyes on Sawyer, I knew he was a force. Muscular and covered in tattoos, I wondered if this was even a good idea.

Sawyer was tempting. That was the worst thing about this. Plus, I wasn’t entirely allowed to take on side jobs like security detail at his underground fetish parties, but I decided to do it anyway.

Sawyer always paid me well. Treating someone with respect was a rarity where I came from, but Sawyer never put anyone down. Sure, he had some down moments in his life, but he always tried to right his wrongs.

Within a year, I fell for him. I couldn’t hold back. Every single day, I’d wake up and text him a joke, or a silly meme I found on the Internet. It didn’t take too long for me to start opening up to him, little by little.

As I thought about our history, a faint glimmer of a smile pushed against my cheeks. Maybe we couldn’t end up together, but at least I had some good memories with him. However, if there was one thing I had to admit to myself, it was that I was feeling pretty peachy about revisiting him, even if he was still unhappy.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” I asked him.

“Believe you about what? That you’re sorry? I don’t know how to feel about that right now,” he said. “I’m tired of accepting everyone’s apologies.”

We made a left turn into the green brush, where a small path had been carved out. The trail was silent and desolate, and I had to run to catch up to his fast pace. “Well, I am. I’m sorry for everything. I know that you think I’m a risk, but I want to change.”

Without knowing how to respond, Sawyer kept moving. After a few minutes, he broke the silence. He said, “It was always a risk between us.” Sawyer looked back at me with understanding in his eyes. “But that doesn’t mean that it was wrong,” he said.

Nodding, I followed him up a large green hill. At the top, we paused for a few seconds to catch our breath. “No,” I said. “It was never wrong, Sawyer.”

Sawyer kept his gaze fixed on me, and I couldn’t help but smile, even if the situation didn’t warrant it. In this very moment, I never wanted to go back to the city again. I just wanted this.

“So, what’s come of things? You’re finally going to come out of the closet at work, or are you here to tell me it’s over?” Sawyer asked.

My situation was more nuanced than he understood. He must have felt that. Instead of answering his question, I looked over the ridge. “Come on. We should keep walking.”

Pointing down, Sawyer walked a few steps and gazed at the sight in front of him. The place was greener than anything I had seen in a long time, except for a small, steel bridge that ran above. In the center of the clearing was a creek that divided the place in half.

“There it is. Mystic Creek. It used to be my secret spot,” he said.

“Mystic Creek? Is it really called that?” I asked.

“Nah.” A boyish smile appeared on his face. I used to come here to get answers. I started calling it Mystic Creek because it felt like I could get the answers I needed.”

I wasn’t sure if I could get the answers that I needed, but I was hopeful. As we sat down on a large boulder that stood above the water, I felt drawn to Sawyer more than I ever had been. In this small area, I felt free to be with him and enjoy his company.

Placing my hand on his kneecap, I leaned my head against his shoulder and breathed in the cool air around us. “Is this okay?” I asked.

Sawyer glanced over at me with caution. “That depends,” he said.

“On what?”

Before answering, he lowered his head toward mine. In a perfect world, we would have ended up together, I thought. But this world was far from perfect. If anything, I was pushing my luck by leaning against him, but I couldn’t help how good he made me feel.

Sawyer’s voice turned into a light whisper. “It all depends on you. I’ve said that from the start, Marcus.”

As we sat in silence, I thought about those words for a good minute. While staring into the creek’s clean water and the green surrounding it, I knew that I needed to find a way to heal myself.

I needed to be free. Of course, that meant that I needed to own who I was, but I was going to do that on my time only. “Maybe I’m learning how to be who I am,” I said.

“Maybe?” Sawyer fixed his eyes on me, and I felt the pressure start to rise. “You don’t sound too sure.”

“I know what I need to do for myself, but it’s hard. My whole job depends on me acting a certain way. If I were an alpha, it wouldn’t matter as much,” I said.

“But you’re not. You’re an omega,” Sawyer said. “You shouldn’t have to apologize for who you are. I still don’t understand how you could stay in a job when all your co-workers are narrow-minded assholes.”

“Not all of them act like that. My ex-partner David was sympathetic,” I said.

Sawyer merely laughed. “Yeah. Sympathetic, but not completely understanding,” he said. “Shit, man. Look at what happened to him. They put him in the basement.”

I thought about my father. After getting laid off, he lost everything, including who he used to be. I joined the department’s rank and file because of him, and I stayed through all of the pain. Not only did I want to make him proud, but I wanted to give him a life of dignity too.

“My father doesn’t have much to his name anymore,” I said. “I need something secure. If I tough the hard days out, I can get a pension someday.”

Reaching out, Sawyer moved his palm up and down my back, calming me. “I know you have your father to think about. Trust me. I’m going through a similar situation. But my biggest worry is that you’ll never get to live a life as yourself. Don’t you want that?”

“More than anything,” I replied. “But some guys don’t deserve that kind of life. I guess that’s just a part of my story.”

Sawyer shook his head, but he wouldn’t allow himself to focus on the subject anymore. “Come on. Let’s dip our toes into the water,” he said, throwing off his shoes.

I ran with him down to the water, chasing after his muscular body. When he stopped in the water, I pounced on him. Gripping around the backs of my thighs, he held me around his waist.

“It can be this easy,” he said, hands still propping me up.

“What can?” I asked.

Sawyer set me down and stared longingly into my eyes. Without saying another word, we both closed our eyes. Drawn together by the magnitude of our desire and close history, we lowered our heads. We both knew what was coming next.

Sawyer bent down, his lips brushing against my cheek, light enough for me to fall into him more. That light touch sent shivers through my nerves, shivers that made my whole body tremble. “Should I stop?” Sawyer asked.

As quickly as I could, I shook my head and raised my chin closer to him. Lowering my eyelids, I waited for him with the silent expectation that this could be a turning point for us.

“Don’t stop,” I said.

He brushed his mouth against the hollow of my temple, tracing down to the lines of my cheekbone. “Are you sure?”

His lips moved toward mine. Slightly opening my mouth, I reached up and pulled on the front of his shirt. “How about now?” he asked.

“Kiss me.”

The words came rushing through me like the air on a cold winter’s day. The rest of what we wanted to say, and what I needed to tell him had been lost for the moment.

Sawyer kissed me gently, but I needed more. All of these tired months I had gone without him had meant nothing. Absolutely nothing. The case, the department, the lonely nights spent in my room while I heard my father drink himself to death… it was all so heavy compared to this.

No, I couldn’t bear Sawyer’s gentleness. Not now, not after all we had both gone through. Moaning low and deep, I knotted my fists in his shirt and pulled him harder against me.

“Mmm,” he groaned, low in his chest.

My arms circled him, and together, we moved to dry land. We rolled over on the grass, tangled, but still kissing. Ecstatic energy ran through me. I couldn’t stop smiling. Sawyer was the only guy who could make me feel this weightless and free.

Once the lightning hits your heart, there’s no going back. Something clicks and your body and mind recognize that moment as the time that everything has changed. Some people go through that multiple times. Others find it once, and it sticks. I didn’t know which camp I was in, but I wanted to find out.

This time, I wanted to give this a shot for real.

“I want you, Sawyer McKinnon,” I whispered as our tongues parted ways.

“Don’t say things you can’t take back,” he warned.

I don’t know what pushed me to this point, but I had so clearly reached a breaking point that I wouldn’t be able to go on without him.

“You don’t understand,” I said, shaking my head while licking the taste of him from my lips. “I want to make this work. I need you, Sawyer.”

Our lips, our tongues, our cheeks and every appendage touched. If he didn’t believe me, he didn’t raise any doubts. I didn’t know whether we had been kissing for five minutes or five hours, but I couldn’t let go. It felt so good to be held, and to laugh, and to lower my body into his when I felt unsure.

In those moments, I knew that what we were feeling was mutual. For a moment, I could feel the cold air brush against my neck, and it brought me back to reality. I pulled back and started to crack up.

“What’s so funny?” Sawyer asked.

“I’m just happy,” I muttered. With my head against the grass and my eyes pointed toward the sky, I felt elevated. Everything was finally starting to connect for me. “I’ve been thinking about the first night we spent together.”

“It was the first and only night that we spent together,” Sawyer corrected me.

“The way you tied me up…”

A sly grin formed on his face before he pulled me back on top of him and forced my wrists behind my back. “You like it when I tie you up, don’t you?” Unlike the gentleness of his kiss, the question came out dominant and commanding. I loved this side of him.

Slowly, I reached out with my teeth and pulled back against his lower lip before kissing him roughly. “I like being bound by you… to be consumed by you.”

His eyes were daring me to kiss him, but now, he was holding me back. “Why?”

“Because I know you’ll never hurt me. If I ever get scared, you’d be the first to comfort me,” I admitted.

Sawyer let my wrists go. No, he wouldn’t ever hurt me, but together, we could test the threshold of pain and pleasure.

Lowering my body back down, I kissed him more and reached toward the back of my belt. I ran my fingers across the metal of the handcuffs and felt a shiver of pleasure rush through me.

“I’ll protect you as much as you let me,” Sawyer whispered.

The first moment I met Sawyer, I trusted him. I didn’t have too many friends outside of the guys at the station. My father couldn’t fathom talking to me like a normal human being. Yes, Sawyer was the only one willing to give me a chance. And it all happened because fate wanted us together.

‘Desire’ is wanting something you usually can’t get right when you want it. This was beyond desire now. This was about getting it right this time.

I pulled out the pair of handcuffs and held them in front of me, smiling. “ Let’s go back to your house,” I said. “You can show me how to use these correctly. Maybe you can add a little of your Shibari technique to the mix.”

Swallowing down something hard, Sawyer looked up at the hill. “We can’t. When I first came back, the house was a disaster. It’s cleaner now, but my mom...”

“I’m not going to judge you, her, or any of your family,” I whispered, pulling him back down to me. “We all have things we’re working on, but if we want to continue seeing each other, we need to accept our realities. That goes for me too.”

Pulling me onto my feet, we both ran as fast as we could back to the house. I felt like we were finally together, but I didn’t believe it until I was inside of his home, behind the closed doors of his old bedroom, while undressing for him.

“Looks like no one is home,” I said.

Sawyer fumbled in his closet. Coming out with multiple long ropes in his hand, he whispered, “Promise me.”

“Promise you what?” I asked.

Lowering himself to his knees, he started to unfold the ropes in his hands. “Promise me that you’re mine,” he said. “I need to know that this is real.”

I thought about my father. Then, my partner, my chief, and all of the guys at the station. I wasn’t going to let anyone dictate how I lived my life anymore.

Closing my eyes and pushing my wrists together, behind my back, I whispered, “I’m yours.”

“I’m serious, Marcus. I’m not just having fun anymore. I want to be sure,” he said.

Opening my eyes again, I looked at him for a long stretch of time. Then, leaning my forehead against his, I said, “I promise you. I won’t leave you this time. It’s us together.”

Quickly, I felt him tighten his hands around my wrists and back. For the next ten minutes or so, he weaved the set of ropes together, applying the technique he had learned throughout the years.

“I’m going to suspend you now,” he said. “Do you trust me?”

Slowly, I nodded my head. “I trust you, Sawyer.”

And I did trust him. I had seen what he could do. The kink parties and fetish art shows had multiple displays of Sawyer’s Shibari technique. Most people regarded him as an artist, but for him and his subs, it was something more.

For Sawyer, the technique was likened to a spiritual journey, where the Dom leads his Sub through a trail of emotions. The end goal was to get through the constriction and the pain, to find clarity in oneself and a deeper connection with the partner.

While tying the ropes around my body, Sawyer went through the story of why he first learned. “I was interested in Shibari because I wanted to push the boundaries of perceived taboo in our culture.” Sawyer threaded one of the ropes and tugged down to secure the loop.

Sawyer continued. “I soon found out how emotional of a process it can be for both parties. The submissive has to endure grueling positions, but if his master is trustworthy and loving, he will make sure that pain is taken care of. It’s obvious to me now that there’s a sense of grace within these knots.” Sawyer tugged against one of the ropes attached to my thigh. “Too tight?”

I shook my head. “It could go tighter,” I said.

“Good,” he said.

Sawyer’s hands continued to work at a dedicated pace, the binding getting tighter and more complex in symmetry. The rope strangled my body into an unnatural, yet humbled position.

The pain had started to hit in slow and quiet waves. Sawyer pulled out a set of carabineers and hooked them to the ceiling of his bedroom. Looking back at me, he noticed my body struggling to keep still.

“Just breathe, omega,” he whispered. “And if you feel too much at once, tell me. I’ll stop immediately.”

“We’re suspending today?” I asked him. “You’ve never done that with me before.”

I felt my heart start to race. As Sawyer explained to me years ago, Shibari was a kink you could get lost in with endless positions, suspensions, and learning how to cope with pain and trauma.

The rope patterns created a level of intimacy and trust between the master and his submissive. If the submissive gave into the pain for long enough, a slow and creeping sense of emotional bliss was supposed to kick in.

“Don’t be afraid. Just breathe in and out. Big deep breaths. Can you do that for me?” Sawyer asked.

Slowly nodding, I felt his hands take hold of the ropes against my back. Sawyer tied a few intricate knots, finally suspending me into the air. Holding my position, I closed my eyes and focused on each breath I took.

Entirely bounded and constricted, I laid my eyes on Sawyer’s muscular body. He kissed me deeply, hands caressing my ass. “How do you feel now?” he asked.

The emotions hit me faster than expected. With the increasing level of pressure, all of my pain came to the surface. I took another deep breath and looked him in the eyes. “Fear… desire,” I said. “I’m sweating a lot, aren’t I?”

Sawyer smiled and wiped my forehead dry with a small towel. “You don’t have to worry about me,” Sawyer said. “I forgive you.”

The pain continued to rise until I couldn’t take it anymore. “I think I need to come down,” I said.

Alarmed, he started to unhook the carabineers from the ceiling. “Marcus? What’s going on? Are you okay?” Sawyer asked.

Against the bed, I felt the tears from the constriction start to well up inside me, but I was able to hold them back. Sawyer quickly untied me until I was free to move again.

“I lost control. I thought I could shove the pain down,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I couldn’t.”

Sawyer’s alpha instincts kicked in almost immediately. Holding me in his arms, he whispered, “We don’t have to do this. I’m sorry for pushing it too fast.”

Knowing that I had to tell him the truth, I calmed myself down enough to keep speaking. “Sawyer, it’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is. We need to take it slow,” Sawyer said.

“I haven’t been fully honest with you,” I said.

Sawyer let go of my body and stood up. “Is this the part where you tell me this was all another mistake?” he asked.

I sat up and threw my arms around him. “I want you, Sawyer. I’m just afraid that once you get to know me, you won’t want to be with me.”

With a calming look on his face, Sawyer ran his hands gently through my hair. “Is this about me moving away from the city? Because, if it is, we can work through it. I don’t want to lose you again—”

“Sawyer, you’re not going to lose me, but it’s going to take some time for me to figure this out.”

Sawyer’s whole body turned rigid. An abrupt silence filled the room. I felt a level of shame gloss over me. “Is that okay?”

In the absence of an answer, I looked down and ran my fingers across the small, red imprints that were starting to appear around my body. We were connected by our mistakes. But what if our mistakes could turn us into something wonderful? What if this was all meant to be?

But as I waited for a response from Sawyer, the confused look in his eyes told a different story. Struggling to look me in the eyes, he stumbled on his words. As Sawyer closed his eyes, his mouth curled into a frown. “I can’t date someone who can’t decide…” Voice trailing away, he hung his head again.

Please tell me you’ll be here…

A few tears fell from his eyes, but the smile remained. “But I guess we should give this a shot. Whatever you need from me, I’ll give it to you.”