Standing over my mother’s sleeping body, I felt the trickle of anger push me to my knees. Then, the sadness came in. It always happened like that. First the anger, then the depression, followed by heavy guilt.

“Ma. It’s almost ten in the morning,” I whispered. “Time to get in bed.”

Slumped over my mother, I rolled the blanket off of her and listened to her protests. “I’m fine here, asshole.”

Of course, she was anything but “fine.” Picking her up into my arms, I guided my mother onto her feet.

“It’s okay, ma. You can sleep all day if you want. No pressure,” I said.

My mother opened her eyes and gave a weak smile. After a few steps, her face turned more severe. “Did you find him?”

“Yes, ma. He was at the creek with some friends. He’s fine now,” I lied.

The truth was that I didn’t know where the hell he was. I made a call to multiple police departments because this wasn’t the first time that Matthew left home. As he got older, the calls from my parents started to pick up. Now that I was home, I wasn’t going to put this all on them. I was going to help my brother learn to grow up, and I’d get my parents the treatment they needed.

“That’s good. Your father didn’t give a damn’s worth, but I’ve been worried sick about the boy,” she said.

“It’s okay, ma. It’s all going to be okay,” I whispered.

Lowering her down onto her bed, I finally began to feel my father’s absence. He hadn’t been home once since I arrived here. He wasn’t the best dad to me growing up, but he never left like this.

“Ma, where has dad run off to?” I asked.

A quick smile formed on her face, and she soon broke out into a loud cackle. “He hasn’t run off anywhere, dear,” she muttered in between breaths. “He’s out, getting us what we need.”

It was just as I thought. Sure that my mother needed affection rather than my harsh words, I combed my fingers through her hair. “Okay, ma. Goodnight.”

“Sawyer. Wait,” she whispered.

“What is it, ma?”

She opened her eyes and stared at me, suddenly lucid. “Why’d you do it? Why’d you hurt us?” she asked.

It felt like a knife ran through my heart. “Goodnight, ma.”

I took a step outside and sat on the front porch, taking in slow and deep breaths. I held two small ropes in my hands, and I focused on tying them together.

Nothing was right in this house. It was too damn quiet here. The abrupt vibration from my phone shot me back onto my feet. “Shit,” I whispered. The number was private.

Fumbling with the phone in my hands, I answered. “This is Sawyer McKinnon speaking.”

“Sawyer. Hey. Um. It’s Marcus.”

Suddenly, I felt stupid for answering. How could I keep falling into these games? “Marcus. Oh. Sorry for not calling you back. There have been a lot of changes in my life. You holding up okay?”

Marcus’s soothing voice paused. I could hear his light breathing, the clicking of his tongue as he decided what to say next.

Did he miss me? Probably not. Most likely, he called to hammer in the fact that he never wanted to see me again. At the end of the day, I was just a fantasy to fall into.

“Look, we have your brother at the station. You should probably get here. There’s some strange shit going on, Sawyer.”

“Strange?” I asked. My heart skipped a beat. I thought of all sorts of terrible things before asking, “Is Matthew okay?”

“He’s fine. Shit, maybe I am losing it,” he said.

I had no idea what he was going on about, but I knew I had to head back into the city. I ran to my car, clutching the phone against my ear.

“I’ll explain everything when you get here,” Marcus said.

While checking the maps on my car’s GPS, I squinted at the red lines that made up the roads. It was going to take me some time to get there. Traffic had picked up, and even if I had a straight route, I sure as hell wasn’t going to speed again.

“Okay. I can get there in two hours. I hope that’s all right. The freeway is packed right now,” I said.

“That’s fine. My shift doesn’t end until I finish the rest of this paperwork.” A quick pause before he continued alerted me that there was more to the story. A lot more. “Oh, and Sawyer? Can you please keep quiet about… you know what?”

The lump in my throat started to take shape, heavy and all too real. Falling for Marcus wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. I liked him more than most guys. Part of me knew that if we continued to see each other, I would have stayed in the city.

“Sure thing. I’ll never tell a soul,” I murmured. “Marcus, I’ll see you soon. I’m headed out now.”

* * *

As I walked into the police station, a dozen memories came flooding back to me. There were nights I’d walk by this station and see Marcus on shift. I’d bring him a drink or shoot the shit before he’d whisper for me to go. Those nights were fun, but they were gone now.

“Sawyer!” Marcus’s voice rang out inside of the old, red brick building.

Standing in the middle of the precinct, his colleague watched us. I put on my best smile and hugged Marcus, but I kept the touching to a minimum. If I didn’t, the other guys would give him shit for decades.

“Hey, Marcus. You look great.”

Marcus pretended that I didn’t just call him great in front of his colleagues. Shaking my hand in a professional manner, he led me over to his partner. Straightaway, I recognized his face. “Sawyer, this is my partner, officer Derrick Fulton,” he said.

Shaking my free hand, the cop smiled. “We’ve met,” he said. “Pulled him over for criminal speeding the other day.”

I scratched the back of my head and took a step back. “Yeah. Again, I’m sorry about that.”

“All in the past. We just want to ask you a few questions about your brother,” Derrick said.

I took another step back and felt my heart start to race. Looking first at Marcus and then at Derrick, I felt ambushed. “You’ll have to forgive my reaction. I didn’t know you would be interrogating me today.”

“It’s not an interrogation. We just want to make sure he’s safe,” Marcus said.

Safe? Was he fucking kidding me? “He’s protected with me,” I said. “Now, if you’ll let me, I’d like to take my brother back home.”

Fulton stepped forward and briefly touched my shoulder, a definite social violation. Even Marcus grimaced. “Mr. Mckinnon. If he’s safe with you, we can clear that up together. What I want to know is why he ran away in the first place,” he said.

“Because he’s a kid. Sometimes kids run away,” I said. “Marcus, what the fuck is this really about?”

Marcus’s eyes widened, but he didn’t give a response. Letting his asshole partner take the reigns, he took a deep breath in and avoided contact with me as best he could. I felt a lot of things, but at that moment, I felt like I had been let down by a good friend.

“All of this is just procedure. We can’t send the boy home with just anyone. If I may be frank, I thought your mother or father would be coming here today,” Fulton said.

My gut told me that none of this was part of the procedure, but what the hell did I know? The rule of law was above my understanding. I had to comply.

“Okay. You win. Let’s do this fast. I have things to finish today,” I lied.

Quietly, we walked into the back hallway of the station, toward Marcus’s office. Sandwiched between the two officers, I felt my heart start to race. What if they found something on my brother? Or worse, what if they found out about my parents?

By all means, the state had every right to authorize CPS agents to barge in their front door to claim Matthew. But if they did that, they’d be ending his life forever. Matthew didn’t need a new family to teach him right from wrong. He needed me.

Sitting in his office, I leaned back against the uncomfortable wooden chair. On Marcus’s desk was a picture of his father in uniform. I hadn’t met the guy, but I knew how much pressure he put on him to succeed in the force.

My eyes trailed his desk. Near to a paperweight was a cut piece of rope. I knew where that came from. I used to have huge parties at my flat. Back then, I’d have guys volunteer to get tied up in the traditional Shibari style. At the end of the party, we cut the ropes and gave it to the guests. Marcus kept the thread, but why?

Fulton broke the silence. “We spoke to your mother earlier. She was a bit unresponsive. Your father’s phone wasn’t even on. Your brother informed us of his month of absence,” he said.

“What is the question?” I asked.

“You’re a busy man. I’ll go ahead and get to the point. Do your parents have a drug problem, Sawyer? Is your brother safe?” Fulton asked.

There was that word again. Safe. “Guys, Matthew is safer than he has ever been. What is this really about?”

I thought I had squashed the question, but when Marcus stood up from his desk, there was a noticeable agitation in his eyes. “He ran away from home, Mr. McKinnon. Did that not happen on your watch? When we called your family, it seemed like nobody even knew he was missing.”

Standing out of my chair to face Marcus, I felt the hurt push my chest against his. If he wanted to fight, I could fight. “I knew he was missing,” I angrily fired back. “Now, if you don’t have anything on him, I’d like to get my brother back home.”

A large and booming voice echoed, “Officer Flanagan, stand down!” Their chief hovered near the doorway.

Both officers stood on their feet, rigid and authoritarian. “Sir. I’m… I’m sorry, sir,” Marcus muttered.

More than ever, I wanted to ask him what had just happened. We used to be so good toward each other, but as soon as we hooked up, a rift formed. All I wanted was to get everything back to where it was, but it all felt so impossible.

“I didn’t advise of this, sir,” Fulton said.

The chief of the department gave both of them harsh looks before sticking out his hand for me to shake. “Chief Flegenheimer,” he said.

I didn’t want to shake his hand, but if it was going to speed up this process, I would. “Sawyer McKinnon. You found my brother.”

“Oh, yes. Matthew McKinnon. Nice kid. Seems to be going through a lot right now,” he said.

“Can I go?”

The chief looked at his two officers and shook his head, clearing his throat. “Officer Fulton. Flanagan. You both have let me down today. This man’s brother committed no crimes, yet you treated him like a criminal.”

“Just one more question, sir,” Marcus said.

“There will be no more questions!” The chief practically yelled the words, but Marcus was defiant. I knew he’d push his question through.

“Is your brother dealing out here?” Marcus asked.

Marcus’s face was glowing with insubordination. For a man who wanted to be the shining star of the force, he was pushing his luck.

Sighing, I raised my eyes back to the chief. “Don’t worry, chief. I’m not pressing any charges. I just want to get my brother home.”

“Your brother has been in my office for the past hour and a half, Mr. McKinnon. If I had known that these goons were going to question you, I would have had them suspended,” the chief said.

Right. Harsh words from the chief of police didn’t mean jack shit to me. If anything, it just meant they were trying to cover something up. But what?

I saw the fury in Marcus’s eyes when he stood up to me in front of his chump of a partner. There was some deep-seated resentment, an underlying issue that wasn’t being addressed here.

It was hard to fathom. Before I left the city, I begged Marcus to be with me. He wanted to, he said. There were just too many roadblocks. He couldn’t be out in the open. Yet. Well, I couldn’t wait my whole life for someone to change.

In the department lobby, Matthew waited patiently on a bench. He was talking to another police officer. Turning to face the chief, I said goodbye. “Let me know if there’s anything we can do,” he said.

“There’s not.”

My brother looked up and smiled at the officer. “Come on, Matthew,” I said. “Let’s get out of this hellhole.”

Following me through the front doors, Matthew sighed with relief. With his hands raised to the sky, he cried out, “Freedom!”

I waited until we were at in the department parking lot to speak. “You ran all the way to the city?” I asked.

Matthew laughed. “I didn’t run. I took a bus.” This situation might have been hilarious to a seventeen-year-old boy, but for me, it was frustrating beyond belief.

Leaning against my car, I found myself questioning every decision I had made in the last month. Maybe my brother was lost, I thought. Every time I tried to help Matthew, he threw another barrier in my way. If someone didn’t want help, they wouldn’t change.

I found myself kneeling down against the asphalt while looking into his eyes. “What do you want from me?” I asked. “Do you want me to leave again? Is that it?”

Taking a step back, Matthew muttered, “I bet you’d love that.”

Before I gave up all hope, I turned around and saw Marcus exit the department building. “Fuck,” I whispered.

“Your boyfriend’s pretty cute,” Matthew said.

“Marcus is not my boyfriend. And even if he were, after today, I would have dumped his ass,” I said.

Watching Marcus run across the street to apologize was the last thing I needed to see at the moment. When he reached us, I was desperate to escape. The city, with its noises and endless crowds of people, was closing in on me. I felt suffocated.

Out of breath and glistening with sweat, Marcus stood before me. I saw him like this before, but it was under better circumstances. “Marcus, what the fuck is going on?”

“It’s just standard protocol,” Marcus argued.

“Fuck your protocol.”

“Don’t leave. There’s something I’m supposed to do here,” Marcus said.

Without even thinking, I pushed Marcus. “You’re messing with my family now? Are you kidding me?” I pushed him again. “I left this city for one reason. I wanted to find clarity with my family again. My brother means the world to me. He’s safe at home. You hear me?”

“I don’t need any help, idiot,” Matthew muttered.

Marcus took a few steps back and shielded himself. “I didn’t know!” he yelled. “I didn’t know that you left the city for good. You never told me you were doing that,” Marcus said.

I turned down my intensity and took a deep breath to cool my emotions down. Feeling confused, I answered Marcus. “I thought I told you before I left.”

Marcus swallowed. “No. We didn’t talk after…”

And then it all hit me. He was right. I didn’t call to say goodbye because I thought he didn’t want me to. “After that night,” I said. Marcus nodded.

“But you didn’t want me to see me anymore. You told me, over and over again. That was our one time,” I said.

Marcus finally took a step forward and placed his fingers against the spot where his heart must have been pounding against his chest. Mine sure was.

At that moment, we stood gazing into each other’s eyes. “I was heartbroken that night,” he whispered. “Maybe we can’t ever be friends again. I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life. But I need to see you one more time. I need some closure.”

Nodding my head, I understood. I was his real first-time, and I knew how big that was. I had to let him say what was on his mind, but not in front of my brother. “Okay. If you want to talk, you can come upstate. I’m not driving back here again,” I said.

Matthew couldn’t stand hearing us talk this way. Pushing through the both of us, he held out his hand and looked at Marcus. “We have to go, officer Flanagan. But first, I think you owe me something important.”

“What?” I asked.

But before I could get a response from my brother, Matthew swung his purple backpack in front of him. Marcus’s eyes widened. “For obvious reasons, I’ve decided that I’m going to give this to your brother,” he said.

My brother scoffed. “Fuck off, Marcus. That’s my property.”

Marcus quickly reached for his cuffs, but I stopped him. “Don’t listen to Matthew. He’s a shit talker,” I said. “What do you have of his?”

“Prescription Oxys. I’m assuming it’s from your parents,” Marcus said. I felt my stomach sink. “I could get into a shitload of trouble for doing this, so both of you need to keep your mouths shut.”

“Got it,” I said. Marcus quickly placed the pill bottle into my hands. I stuffed it into my pocket.

“Those are mine!” Matthew yelled with fury.

Grabbing his shirt, I pulled him toward my vehicle. “We’ll talk in the car,” I said. Then, cocking my head, I looked back at Marcus. “And we’ll talk soon. Call me when you’re not busy.”