The night before we were supposed to leave for San Bernardino I awoke to a furious pounding on the door. I sat up in confusion. Steve was grumbling on the other bed and before my eyes could adjust to the dark he flipped on the lights. I blinked away the brightness and watched him shuffle across the carpet wearing his blanket as a cape and open the door to reveal a distraught Shannon. I went to lie back down, assuming that this was a boyfriend-girlfriend type situation.

“Carter,” she said hoarsely. She sounded like she had been crying. “I need your help. It’s Mark.”

I threw my covers off so quickly that they went flying into the wall next to my bed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She held up her keys.

“I’ll tell you on the way.”

I threw on shoes and a hoodie in record time. I didn’t even bother to change out of my sweatpants. I grabbed my phone and shoved it in my pocket while Shannon gave Steve a quick kiss goodbye. We trudged down to the ground level and into the nearby parking garage.

“So what’s this about?” I asked, getting into the passenger seat of her tiny electric car and buckling myself in.

She started the engine. It was quieter than a single bumblebee.

“He’s been drinking,” she said softly. “I got a text from his friend Rocko asking if I knew where he was because they had plans and he hadn’t shown. I figured it wasn’t a big deal, but I called him just to check and when he didn’t answer me the first couple of times I got worried. I kept calling and calling and when he finally answered there was music in the background and he was slurring his words. He basically told me to stop calling and leave him the fuck alone.” She let out a shaky breath. “I know everyone falls off the wagon sometimes. I don’t expect him to be perfect, but I’m still scared. He hasn’t had a sip of alcohol since high school.”

We pulled up to a light and the car was silent for a moment.

“So we’re going to get him?”

She nodded.

“I figured we’d check Percy’s first and then some other bars if we have to.”

I shook my head.

“No. Don’t bother. I think I know exactly where he is.”

We pulled onto the street of the frat house and parked as close as we could get.

“It’s a Wednesday night. What the fuck are they celebrating for?” Shannon asked.

I didn’t have an answer for her.

I led her inside and fought my way onto the dance floor. Shannon clung onto my wrist for dear life. She didn’t have the benefit of a giant bulldozer of a body to help part the crowd.

I made a sharp left and guided us into the kitchen instead. It wasn’t nearly as crowded as usual. No cards or beer pong or tables of food, just about a dozen people sitting around with drinks in their hands. One of them was Mark. He was leaning back in his chair with his head parallel to the ceiling. He looked barely conscious. I had to physically restrain Shannon from running toward him.

“Mark,” I said as evenly as I could.

He looked over and slowly met my eyes. At first his face lit up with recognition and then it fell. He took a swig of his drink.

“Whad you waantt?” he asked, emphasized by a burp.

“Mark Timothy Olsen,” Shannon said, breaking out of my grip and moving in front of me. She had her hands on her hips in a way that reminded me of my mother after I broke one of my hundred-dollar hockey sticks. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? I was worried sick about you.”

Now we had the full attention of the group. Everyone was looking back and forth between Mark and Shannon with interest. Mark performed some approximation of an eye roll.

“Who are you?” he muttered. “Our dead mom?”

Shannon was seething and I couldn’t tell whether she was about to punch him or cry. Possibly both.

I walked over to him and gently placed my hand over his knee. Mark stiffened. He was frowning at me like he didn’t quite know what to make of the intimate gesture.

“Let us take you home,” I whispered. “Please.”

He remained stiff for a few seconds longer and then slumped as all of the fight went out of him. I took it as the acquiescence it was and hoisted him into my arms bridal style. He wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his head in my shoulder. I could hear the soft familiar sounds of his breathing right next to my ear. The other people in the room were laughing and cheering as I carried a fully-grown man like it was nothing.

“Let’s go,” I said to Shannon, not bothering to look back and see if she was following.

Out on the lawn, she caught up to me and placed a hand on my arm.

“We won’t all fit in my car,” she said.

I frowned and gently sat Mark down. He stumbled a bit and I steadied him with an arm around his waist.

“Did you drive here?” I asked.

“Yesss.”

“Do you still have your keys?”

“In mah jacket.”

I reached inside of his jacket pocket with my free hand and pulled them out.

“Text Rocko and let him know Mark is all right. Then go home and get some rest. I’ve got this from here.”

She looked like she very badly wanted to argue, but at the end of the day, I could hoist Mark over my shoulder and she could not. Also, I could deal with any threatening aggressive behavior way better than she could.

“Fine,” she said. “But call me if anything happens.” She leaned up and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for helping. I didn’t know who else to go to.”

I gave her a small smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

I watched her make her way over to her car and drive off. Mark was barely paying attention. He was too busy trying to keep his head up. I scooped him up into my arms once more and walked down the car-lined street until I found the one that belonged to him. I deposited him into the passenger seat and buckled him in before walking around to the driver’s side and starting the car. The whole thing felt like a weird role reversal.

This was my first time driving Mark’s car and my first time driving in LHC, but I managed okay. I mean, Mark might have made fun of my overly cautious turns if he had been with it enough to notice, but hey, I got us back to his building safely. I knew I couldn’t carry him and unlock the door simultaneously so we settled for this half-shuffling half-dragging motion.

Once inside, I kicked the door closed with my foot and led Mark to the couch where he gladly sank down into the cushions with a groan. I stretched out the tightness in my shoulder and went to turn the lights on. The unit seemed to be empty. I dumped Mark’s keys on the coffee table.

“Where are your roommates?” I asked, not really expecting an answer.

“They have night shifts,” Mark informed me.

“Good to know.”

I did a couple more pacing laps across the living room before giving up and sitting down next to Mark with a sigh.

This entire time I’d been hoping and praying for Mark and me to be in the same room long enough for me to apologize, but this was a far cry from what I’d imagined.

“I think ‘m gonna throw up,” Mark whispered suddenly.

I sprinted into the kitchen and brought him the trash can. He gripped it with both hands and I held his long hair back as he heaved into it. By the time he was finished, his shoulders were shaking and he was groaning in misery. I patted his shoulder consolingly.

“I’ve got you.”

Mark turned to me, his eyes sobering for just a second.

“Do you though?” he asked, sounding hurt.

I sucked in a breath.

“I’m sorry,” I said even though I knew he wouldn’t remember this conversation when he woke up. “For everything.”

“Mmm,” Mark said noncommittally. He pushed the trash can away and I had to reach out to keep it from falling. I set it off the side where it was out of the danger zone, but still within arm’s reach.

“I wanted to tell you about the hockey thing, I swear. I just...I waited so long and I let things get out of hand. Plus, I kind of liked being something other than just the hockey guy with you. Don’t get me wrong; I love hockey, but I’ve been the hockey guy my entire life. I’m always gonna be the hockey guy. Playing in the MLH is everything I’ve dreamt of since I was a kid. I knew that meant that I could never be publicly out. Not unless I wanted to paint a big old target on my back right before every game, or even worse, risk not being drafted at all. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make, and then I met you.

“You are literally everything I never knew that I needed. I’ve never met someone so loyal and loving and kind. You made me feel like I didn’t have to choose between hockey and a genuine relationship. For the first time in my life I thought maybe I could have them both. I was desperate to have them both. That desperation blinded me. I realize that now. I haven’t been giving you the respect or my teammates the credit they deserve, and for that I am truly sorry. I really never meant to hurt you, Mark.”

He was so quiet that for a moment I thought he had drifted off to sleep. I was too afraid of looking at him to check.

“You din’t have to lie t’me,” he said finally. “I woud ave underssstood.”

I hung my head.

“I know. I was scared. I know that isn’t an excuse, but like I said, I’m really sorry.” I shrugged, feeling helpless. There really wasn’t much more I could say.

“If it makes you feel better, Steve was the one who outed me.”

Mark frowned.

“Hate thhat guy.”

“I don’t,” I admitted. “Not anymore. He grows on you. Kind of like a fungus.”

Mark leaned over and rested his head on my biceps.

“Es Sshan mad at me?”

I reached up without looking at him and patted his hair.

“No. She’s not mad. She was worried about you more than anything.”

“Carter?”

“Yes?”

Mark slipped a hand under my hoodie.

“Was this real?” he asked, pressing down lightly over my heart.

“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “That’s real. The most real thing I’ve ever felt.”

“Good.”

At that, he finally became comfortable enough to fall asleep. I wanted to carry him up to his bedroom so he could be hung over in peace, but I wasn’t confident enough in my ability to get him all the way up the stairs. I mean, I probably could have done it, but it wasn’t worth the risk.

I settled for carefully removing his shoes and jacket and bringing him a pillow and blanket from his bed to rest on. I also left him a protein bar and a huge glass of water sitting on the coffee table. I couldn’t find any aspirin, but hopefully that was enough. By now, the sun was starting to peek out through the curtains and into the room.

I looked down at Mark’s sleeping body and tried my best to quell the swelling tide of emotions bubbling up in my chest. I allowed myself one kiss on the top of his forehead.

“I love you,” I whispered.

I backed away slowly, one step at a time, until I made it to the door. I locked the knob and then swung it closed behind me. I took a moment to collect myself out in the quickly warming air and then headed back to my room to get in a quick nap before our flight to San Bernardino.