Chapter Eleven
Luke walked into the pub, glanced around until he saw Krish who raised his hand and waved him over. Luke walked towards him and sat on the chair opposite, dropping his bag to the floor.
"Thanks for this." Luke picked up his pint and took several large gulps. He put it back down on the table, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and smiled up at Krish. "My head is banging. What is it with Stapleton?"
Krish chuckled. He got asked that question a lot. "Yeah, he can be a bit of a bastard, can't he? At least you're only his student. I'm a TA in several of his classes, and he can be a right sadistic twat." Krish shook his head, remembering the times Stapleton had shouted at some student for not meeting his extremely high standards.
"Don't know how you do it." Luke shook his head. "Several times during his lectures I've wanted to get up and smack the fucker!"
Krish laughed, nodding in agreement. "Oh yeah, I felt that quite a few times myself." Leaning back in his chair, Krish asked, "So, has everything settled down now?"
Luke nodded, wiping the condensation on the side of the glass. "Yeah, now I've deleted all my accounts and changed my number, it's dropped off. Sarah's still the same, waiting for me outside class sometimes to shout or scream at me. But I ignore her."
"You know you can report her?" Krish said, frowning at Luke.
"Yeah, I know, but I don't want to. So, I'm just ignoring her. Never realised she was this petty and childish. I look at her now and wonder why I wasted my time with her."
"Yeah, my ex was like that. I found him cheating on me and yet, somehow it was my entire fault."
Luke raised his eyebrows in surprise, causing Krish to smile at him. He was aware most people didn't peg him as a gay man, so he wasn't surprised that Luke hadn't either.
"Oh, I didn't realise... So, when did you break up?"
Krish chuckled, noticing that Luke was looking everywhere except at him. "We broke up about six months ago now and, yes, I am gay."
Luke coughed, nodding. "Okay."
"You don't have a problem with that, do you?" Krish asked. After the conversation the other night, he was aware that if Luke had been a rent boy, then he'd more than likely had to have sex with men. That didn't necessarily make him gay, but Krish was curious. Would he be with a man, after everything he'd experienced on the streets?
"God, no! No, of course, I don't have a problem with it."
"What about you? Ever thought of having a relationship with a man?" Krish didn't look directly at Luke, but glanced around the pub, waiting for him to answer. He bit his lip and his foot bounced as the silence stretched between them. Maybe he shouldn't have asked Luke that question.
"Look, Krish, I haven't been with a man since...before... and I'm not sure if I can now. Sarah was the first relationship I've had. In fact, I'd say she's the only relationship I've had." Krish heard Luke sigh, and he glanced over at him, noticing Luke was staring at the table. He was about to speak when Luke beat him to it. "I don't know if I could be with a man again, after everything I experienced on the streets," Luke whispered to him.
Krish leaned forward, placing his forearms on the table. "So, it's only women from now on?"
Luke glanced up at him and quickly glanced away. "Why are you asking?"
Krish smiled at him, sitting back in his seat. "No particular reason. I was just curious. That's all."
"Just curious?" Luke's eyes flicked up to his, and quickly back down. Krish watched him bite his lip, and he wanted to reach across the table to release it.
"Is that a problem?" Krish was fairly certain that Luke knew the reason why he'd asked about his sexuality and men in general.
"No," Luke whispered. He swallowed, then added, "Are you... You interested?"
Krish rubbed the back of his neck, his hand gripping the short hairs. Yes, he was an idiot. He really should have kept his mouth shut and not said a word, but he was curious, and he wanted to know if he had any chance with Luke.
"Forget I said anything, Luke."
"Oh, okay." Luke swallowed. "It's just... You are nice."
"Nice." Krish chuckled, shaking his head. Nice, yeah. Every bloke wanted to be described as nice.
"I don't know if I can, you know? It's been over three years, and it was never an enjoyable experience for me. It was just about the result, you know? The fact that I needed money to eat and drink." Luke leaned forward on the table and glanced around the pub. "It hurt. It always hurt."
"I'm so sorry. I should have thought about that. Me and my big mouth."
"No! No, don't think like that..."
"Don't think like that? I reminded you of part of your life that was painful and difficult. I'm a fucking idiot. That's what I am." Krish rubbed his face with his hands, groaning.
"Look, thanks for the pint, but I think I should get going."
Krish dropped his hands, watching Luke finish the rest of his pint. He stood, picked up his bag, and smiled at Krish.
"You don't have to go, Luke. Let's just forget about it and we can start again." Krish felt even worse now.
"It's okay. It's not your fault."
"Alright then. Let me walk you out."
Luke laughed. "Like a girl?"
Krish also chuckled. "Come on, let's go."
Krish picked up his coat, shrugging it on as they both walked through the pub. Once outside, they stood facing each other and Krish shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "I'm sorry for what I said in there. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."
"No, it's not your fault. I always knew, at some point, I might be asked questions about my past, and at least I can talk about it with someone who won't slag me off because of it."
Krish shook his head. He would never call out Luke for surviving a shitty past. He did what he had to do, and had come out of it a better person. The way Luke was handling the situation with his ex showed that.
Krish watched Luke for several seconds, neither of them breaking away. Krish inhaled deeply, and then stepped closer to Luke, placing his hand on his shoulder. Luke swallowed but didn't look away.
Lowering his head, Krish kept his eyes on Luke, waiting for him to tell him to stop. When he didn't, Krish closed the distance between them and kissed him gently. Stepping back, he let go of Luke's shoulder, watching Luke's face.
Luke's tongue snuck out and licked his lips, causing Krish to moan quietly. What he could imagine Luke's tongue doing to him.
Luke gave him a slight smile. "I'll seeya at class," he muttered and waved as he turned and walked away.
Krish watched him until he turned a corner and was out of sight. Sighing, Krish also walked away. He hoped he hadn't fucked things up.
❊❊❊
The sound of laughter reached his ears, and Luke glanced over his shoulder, smiling when he saw Matt and Josh roughhousing on the floor. He'd come over to spend some time with Matt as he hadn't seen him in several days. After their experience on the street, he and Matt had remained close, and they stayed in contact, talking every day. That hadn't changed now that Matt was living with Josh and they still tried to see each other every couple of days.
Luke was still a little wary of Josh, but even he had to admit that Josh's temperament had improved since he'd come out and started therapy.
Matt was happy. He glowed with it, and Luke was genuinely happy for him. When Matt had to keep his relationship with Josh a secret, it had affected Matt deeply. Having to keep it hidden and having to lie to people wasn't in Matt's nature. He'd withdrawn from everyone, staying in his room, and when it had all come out-- his secret relationship with Josh-- their friends hadn't been happy. He'd almost broken Seb and Tom up because Seb had defended Josh, his brother.
Now, everyone was getting along, or trying to, in Tom's case. Luke wasn't sure if he could be so forgiving in Tom's place. Tom had ended up on the streets because of Josh's parents' refusal to help him, and Josh had remained silent, letting Tom walk away.
Shaking his head, Luke smiled at both of them. He liked to see Matt happy, but he hadn't come here to sit and watch Josh and Matt together. He'd come here for advice.
"So, what's up?" Mark asked, slumping back on the sofa and smiling over at Josh.
Luke walked over to the chair and sat, leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs. Clasping his hands together, he glanced up at Matt and Josh, choosing his words carefully so he could explain what was going on. He was attracted to Krish, and it surprised him. He'd been so adamant when he finally got free from the streets that he would never be involved with a man again and that was why he'd started his relationship with Sarah. Luke snorted. That ended well, hadn't it? He glanced between the two of them and sighed, dropping his head and running a hand through his hair.
Sitting back up, he started talking. "You know I split up with Sarah?" Luke waited for them both to nod. "Well, I've have been talking with the TA on my course, Krish, and well, it turns out he's gay, and I think he likes me." Luke took a deep breath in, then released it. "The thing is, I don't know if I can? I don't know if I can be with a man after everything that's happened. I don't know what to do."
"You're attracted to him?" Matt asked him, leaning forward on the sofa.
Was he attracted to Krish? Yeah, he was. Luke looked over at Matt and slowly nodded his head.
"So, what's the problem?" Josh asked. "He likes you, and you like him."
Luke felt his face heat up and knew he was blushing. His heart pounded in his chest. Could he tell them? He wasn't sure he could. It sounded so silly, after everything he'd experienced sexually.
"Whatever it is, spit it out."
Luke glanced over at Matt. "Okay, I don't think I can let anyone, you know, have sex with me."
"But you'd have no problem fucking them, would you?" Josh frowned when he asked the question.
Luke sighed and was about to speak when Matt beat him to it. "It's because of what we did on the streets, isn't it? You don't want anybody to have sex with you because you had no choice when we were out there."
Luke nodded, closing his eyes and rubbed his face with his hands. "Yeah, it is. I just don't think I can let anyone there, you know? We had no choice when we lived on the streets, and it wasn't very often that we had sex, it was mainly blowjobs. But even now, the thought of someone trying to fuck me, it terrifies me. I feel sick when I think about it." Luke slumped back in the chair, breathing deeply.
He hadn't told anybody about his fears of someone having anal sex with him. In fact, no one knew that was the reason why he had dated Sarah. He'd let them think that he was bisexual, simply to keep his little secret hidden.
"I get it," Matt muttered. "Josh was the first person I was with."
Luke nodded. He knew this. Once it all got out about Matt and Josh, they had been very open. It turns out, the pair of them had stayed away from sex and relationships for almost three years. The need to rid themselves of the feelings and emotions from what they had done had been too strong to ignore. With Luke, he just wanted to feel pure again, and that was partly why his room was decorated white.
When he first moved in with Tom, Seb and Matt, he'd take long showers, scrubbing his skin until it was bright red. He'd felt so dirty, tainted, stained. It had taken him a long time, and many counselling sessions before the feeling had begun to pass.
On the streets, there was no the choice. He had to do what was necessary to survive, and he had. Didn't mean he had to like any of it. Luke had been adamant that he would never have any form of sexual contact with a man again.
Yet, Luke was attracted to a man. A gorgeous man. He'd dreamt about trailing his hands over Krish's beautiful tanned skin, seeing his hazel eyes light up with passion, gripping his hair as Luke fucked him.
"So, what ya gonna do about it?"
Luke opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. What was he going to do about it? Sitting up, he shrugged, glancing between the two of them. "I really don't know."
"Want my advice?" Josh asked. Luke nodded. "Just go along with it, see how you feel. If at any point it doesn't feel right, you can just tell him and walk away. What have you got to lose?"
Luke raised his eyebrows in surprise. He'd never thought Josh would say that. But he was right. What did he have to lose?