The water beaded down my arms and formed small streaks on the ink covering my skin. I watched as a droplet found the quill on my right shoulder and it fell onto the word “Destiny”. I got it as a reminder that I write my own destiny. Although, the blood and ink had barely dried before that proved horribly wrong. I stood beneath the warm shower, letting it massage my sore muscles and the memories of yesterday wash down my body.

I regretted working out last night. I hadn’t lifted anything that wasn’t glass and held liquor in some time. In fact, I’d blown the dust off my bars before pressing them. I almost felt human after teaching Eris to ride Doris, so I actually felt inspired to work on myself. Great idea, wrong outlet, I guess. Maybe I shouldn’t have done so much in one sitting.

After applying shampoo, a deep groan left my lungs as I scrubbed it from my hair. I bent to turn off the water and the muscles in my back burned in protest. I planned to surprise Eris at the diner today. Apparently, the way her schedule was set up this week, she worked a short shift of four hours today. Ironically, she would be getting off work thirty minutes before I’d promised Henry I’d fill in for him.

Nevertheless, I’d promised Henry I’d come in more often since he’d carried my weight for a few years. Even if I didn’t know if I was ready, I owed him that much. He told me he was having trouble with his wife. I never liked her to begin with, but I wasn’t the one who married her, so it didn’t really matter too much. She didn’t seem all that into him when they met, until she found out he was a veterinarian. You could practically see the green dollar signs swell in her eyes and a cash register “ching” as soon as the word left Henry’s mouth. I tried to warn him she was only after his money, but he’s always been the romantic type. Something I probably would never understand. He’d chased after Lexie for years, but finally gave up when he and Maryanne, his wife, started getting serious. I never knew why Lexie wouldn’t date him. Hell, I rarely understood anything my sister did, so as a general rule I didn’t ask for a reason to her madness.

For years, my life consisted of the same things. I was content. Meeting Eris tangled my serenity. She slowed the fast downward speed my life was spiraling and gave it a new direction. Although, like a gunshot into deep water, she’d barely touched the surface. There were things that lay at the pit of my soul, beneath my rough exterior, that I intentionally buried. Those were the things I hoped she’d never see. I was okay with being a drunk and doing the bare minimum. Yet, she’d proven to make me want more. I began expecting more of myself again. The monotonous life I’d led finally found light, and it was obvious my day-to-day wasn’t satisfying me anymore. I needed more from life now because of Eris. A fact I secretly appreciated, but most likely would continue to be an asshole, because that was who I was more often than not.

Mulder, on the other hand, didn’t appreciate my newfound initiative. He kept pacing at my feet, hanging off the weight bench last night. He was ready for bed, and usually we would have lain down together. He eventually grumbled, as Pits do, and gave up, passing out on the floor in a ball. He never stayed in the bed, so I never figured out why he was so insistent to lie down at the same time. Truthfully, I think he just wanted me to be quiet so his sleep would go uninterrupted.

After getting dressed and grabbing a cup of coffee, I ran my fingers along the mantle. Out of every inch of my house, no one touched this one spot, including me. Not that anyone had been here in some time to do so anyway. A clean strand followed my fingertip, where thick dust of a dark memory had just lain. Regret clenched its hateful grasp around my throat, and I fought as it seeped into my chest. Each beat of my heart pounded devastation into my bloodstream, and I felt it in every fiber of my being, every second of every day, and it was torturous. I knew why I’d avoided my mantle and the hat that set hooked by the rig and pole I’d caught it on and unforgivable guilt that would last an eternity. My finger stopped a foot away from the hat, and I closed my eyes, not capable of moving any farther. I was an idiot. A fucking idiot. Remorse sealed my mouth into a thin line and I stared at the ceiling, swallowing the self-hate and the tears that came along with it.

Today was proving it wouldn’t be a good day to see Eris. The mood taking over me wasn’t one I cared to share with anyone, especially her. I wiped my mouth with my hand and ran it through the length of my beard as I tried to compose myself. In that moment, I knew I wasn’t seeing Eris today. A few different scenarios played in my head, each having the same horrible ending. Despite the world of the sorriest shades of gray I’d let my life drain into, Eris was the only thing that still held color. She was the only living and breathing soul in the field of ghosts stitched into my veins. I did not intend to rip apart her kaleidoscope heart today or ever, so I’d avoid her. She’d seen me lost in a bottle, but never lost in myself. This was the worst form of myself.

I gritted my teeth and punched the wall a few feet away from the mantle, hating the memories, but not wanting to further disturb them. I despised that I’d lapsed and almost touched them. Pain shot from my knuckles and up my arm. Instead of cussing or screaming, which would have been a normal response, I laughed. Tears of shame dropped from my eyes as my knees met the grain of the hardwood flooring. Hysterical laughter trumpeted from the depths of my stomach; it was as if I had almost seen happiness with Eris, and then was reminded I didn’t deserve any amount of joy. No matter how small.