The moment Noah was born, my life began, and the day he passed sentenced me to hell. No parent should ever have to live on without his or her child. It disrupts the natural course of nature. Each day following Noah’s death had been sheer heartache for me, until I met Drex. I’d never been one to believe in unrealistic things, not even when I was little. Yet, somehow, a glimmer of a future with him was something I had almost believed was reachable. It was a pipe dream.

Finding direction with Drex was impossible, and now that we were over, my compass still couldn’t locate true north. It was as if being near him had thrown all of my instincts off their correct path. Really, I didn’t know. I needed a change because the current day-to-day wasn’t working for me. Continuously questioning the situation was driving me insane. I knew I was searching for answers where I may never find them. Only one thing was for certain—it had taken forty-one days to fall in love with Drexell Howell, and in those forty-one days I’d somehow lost myself. I’d forgotten how my life was without Drex in it. Despite all the kisses we’d shared and the unspoken love that grew, it’d only taken five minutes to be drained of every bit of compassion I held for him. The silence that we once flourished in now haunted me.

We hadn’t spoken in weeks, and a lot of that was my fault. When I walked out of his house and didn’t look back, I knew what I was doing, slapping a huge closed sign on our future. He didn’t try to stop me either. Part of me prayed he’d rush to my side and know the right words or actions to stop the pain, but he didn’t. He didn’t even bat an eye as I walked out of his house and out of his life. Although I’d walked away, it didn’t matter because as soon as he finished telling me what I was assuming was the highlights of Noah and Dad’s last day, that was all I could think of when I looked at Drex. In all aspects, I knew it wasn’t his fault that Noah died, but that didn’t stop the constant throbbing ache of my heart.

In a few short hours, I’d be completely gone from his life. Although we hadn’t contacted one another for weeks, I remained in Blackwell. Each day I stayed was sheer misery. Everything in this forsaken town reminded me of him. For that, I resented him. He took away my love of Sam’s pancakes, which was one of my favorite things about Blackwell. The other day when I was on my fourth bite and fighting the urge to cry, I knew I had to leave.

Throwing my arms around Sam’s neck, I almost regretted the decision I’d made to return home, but I couldn’t take the constant reminders of him. Besides, Jax’s graduation was in a few months, and now I’d be able to attend. Truthfully, I was afraid they wouldn’t have room for me at home anymore, given how much of an asshole I’d been to them. If it were possible, Mom would have leaped through the phone and pulled me to her when I told her the news. Knowing Mom, I almost expected her to invent time travel for just this occasion. She’d never been known for her subtlety.

“You’re always welcome here, Sug,” Sam promised me and leaned down to kiss my forehead.

“Thank you,” I earnestly said, clinging to his neck just a few minutes longer, swallowing the tears of remorse that crept into my throat. I hated to leave Ray and him because they were there when I needed them. Even when I didn’t think I needed anyone, they were by my side. We didn’t share one damn relative, but they were my family, too, and it hurt to leave them behind.

Holding back the tears that begged for release, I waved to everyone and climbed into my car to make the trip home. Irony didn’t escape me. I’d fled to Blackwell because I wasn’t strong enough to face my life back home. Yet, here I was, eight years later, running home because if given the choice of staying and risking seeing Drex or dealing with the past, I’d pick the latter a thousand times. That was a hefty statement in itself. I preferred the dark memories of my past to bury me alive than giving Drex the ability to hurt me again, even if that’d never been his intention, which I knew it hadn’t. Previously, when I thought of Drex, I swore my heart and mind to be on opposing ends of a war. My heart longing to love and my mind preparing for battle. Along the way, one of the two caved and signed a peace treaty in agreement, or so I thought. The biggest downside to war was ultimately there could be only one victor, and often there were wounded and casualties. My heart was declared a casualty of total war.

My phone buzzed, and Lexie’s name flashed onto the caller ID. I chose to ignore the call as I had every other call she’d placed since I walked out on Drex. It was shitty, but facing her meant eventually facing Drex, and I wasn’t strong enough to do that right now. I didn’t know if I’d ever be.

Running seemed to be what I was best at, but everyone had talents, right? If it meant preventing the pain, I’d strap those running shoes on as tight as those bastards would go and give a greyhound a run for his owner’s money. I wasn’t proud of my decision. I knew it was cowardly and overboard, but I never claimed to be a good person.