Theo

Those balls look good on you

 

Opening night brings out two things in people: insecurities and disorganized chaos.

As just an actor, I could handle both of those without blinking an eye. It’s what feeds the adrenaline and pumps you up before curtain calls.

As the director, however, it brings about an entirely new experience. Had I not chosen to be the lead actor in my own play, I would probably do a quick check on how everything is going and then just sit back and watch the show from the back row.

Tonight, however, I’ve already done the walk through with the stage manager and the crew, checked in with all the actors, and am now sitting in my dressing room doing my hair and make-up.

It’s surreal to consider how far I’ve come over the last year. The last three months specifically.

From getting kicked out of the apartment I shared with Alyssa, couch hopping with friends while auditioning and trying to remain gainfully employed, to getting the opportunity to housesit for Pat.

My luck changed the minute Joey came into my life. And not just my luck, but my entire path. The vision for my future all at once became clear. I realized what I’d been missing in my life.

Joey.

She’s what I was missing.

Staring into the mirror in front of me, I don’t see me, but I see Chester. And I think about what my alpha-male character would do in this situation.

Would he feel helpless after losing Silvia, or would he do something like beat his chest to win his girl back.

I don’t want to lose Joey from my life. She needs to know how I feel about her. How my life has turned around because she’s part of it.

With my make-up done and costume on, which isn’t much of a costume really since everything is contemporary and casual, I get up and stretch. I warm up my vocal cords, as acting takes a lot out of your voice when you need to use more range when you’re on stage.

My nerves aren’t as bad as I had expected them to be. In fact, I’m much more relaxed than I normally am on opening nights. Sure, we’ve had a few minor problems this afternoon with the lights and sets, but nothing that couldn’t be resolved quickly.

There was an issue with our front ticket booth computer where the list of prepaid tickets seemed to have disappeared, but we called in our IT guy and he fixed that in a snap.

So now I sit staring in silence, rehearsing the lines in my head. Opening night jitters can get the best of you if you’re not careful to block out all the negativity and self-doubt. Pent up energy can really mess with your head if you worry too much about forgetting lines, or whether so-and-so will be out in the audience, or whether the play will be a hit or not.

I learned the lesson early on not to get wrapped up in all the bullshit. There will be plenty of time after the first show to celebrate or commiserate. Right now, I take deep cleansing breaths to clear my head.

There’s a knock on my dressing room door and I’m jolted from my breathing exercises.

“Come in.”

The door creaks open and Alyssa’s blonde head peeks through the crack in the doorway.

“Hi Theo. I just wanted to come back and tell you to ‘break a leg,’” she waggles her fingers with a smile.

Fuck. Really?

Goddamn her for breaking my concentration.

“Yeah, thanks. I didn’t realize you’d be coming tonight. In fact, why are you here?”

She steps in, uninvited, and closes the door behind her. I do not have time for this.

“Theo, I’m just so proud of you and I wanted to be here to congratulate you. In fact, I was hoping that afterwards we could go out and celebrate. Like we used to do.”

She lets the implications hang between us as she moves within touching distance of where I sit.

“I just know you’re going to be huge,” she exclaims.

And then I know exactly what she’s looking for from me. She thinks if this play becomes a hit, and I become a celebrity playwright, she can hang on to the back of my coattails. She can become my arm candy and become famous by proxy.

Not a fucking chance in hell.

“Thanks Alyssa. I appreciate it. But I’d like you to leave. I didn’t invite you back here and I need to get in character. I also have no intentions of celebrating with you. Not tonight or any night. Why would you even think that?”

I give her a look of disdain as she’s staring at me incredulously. As if she has no idea what I’m referring to.

“But Theo,” she pouts, her hip pushed out to the side and her big false lashes batting at me. “I want to be with you. I realized you’re it for me and we should get back together. You can come back to live with me. I’ve missed you.”

The bile is making its way up my esophagus like a geyser ready to go. I focus my attention on my breathing, taking slow inhales and exhales with my eyes closed. Opening them again, I stand up and walk toward her, backing against the door.

Her expression brightens as if she thinks I’ve succumbed to her scheming and I plan on falling to my knees at her feet in thanks.

Fuck her.

I reach around her waist, dodging her breasts that she pushes into my chest, and I open the door. She’s forced to move out of the way as I swing it open.

Standing there with one hand on the door handle and the other pointing out to the hallway, I say,

“Get the fuck out now. Don’t ever come back. There’s no chance in hell I want to live with you again. But I will give you credit and I didn’t ever recognize it before. I have to say, you’re actually a really great actress. Because you fooled me all this time with your conniving, self-serving ways. In fact, I’d suggest you take some acting classes and then go to Hollywood. They love you plastic, Barbie types. Now, go. Goodbye.”

It’s obvious I’ve stunned her. She looks like one of those cartoon characters that got bashed on the head with an anvil, the stars and birdies swirling around her head in dizzied chaos.

Yet she doesn’t move an inch, so I’m forced to gently push her out. Her feet shuffle until she’s just outside in the hallway. I give her one last smile, waggling my fingers like she did earlier at me and I slam the door.

“Bye-bye, Al. Don’t come back now, ya hear?”

My relief is instantaneous. I’ve literally closed the door on my past and it feels incredible. A weight lifted off my shoulders. But it hits me at the absurdity of my situation.

When in my life have I ever had three women – at the same time – wanting to be with me?

Joey, Birdie and Alyssa.

Well, maybe two at the moment. And one I need to remind of how good we can be together.

I puff up my chest and stand in front of the mirror, giving my best impersonation of my character, Chester.

“Stand back, ladies…I just grew a giant pair of balls. Looks good on me, doesn’t it?”

Now let’s just hope I can keep those cojones in place for what I have planned tonight.