PROLOGUE
Ashlyn
Sometimes life has a way of fucking you up the ass. Case and point, my current situation. How does one little decision change the whole course of your life? If I’m being honest it wasn’t a little decision. I weighed pros and cons, thought about it late at night and then in the end after all of the lists I made in my head, my heart won out.
I’ve had a hunch for a few weeks now that I was pregnant. Telling myself that I didn’t know for sure, that if I could hold it off for a little while longer I could somehow pretend it wasn’t real. Realizing I was acting like a child and could potentially be harming my unborn child I went down to the store last night and decided to take the test first thing this morning. The box said something about first urine or something.
I think back to this morning when I walked into the bathroom after my timer went off alerting me it was time to pull up my big girl panties and man up. I had never been more terrified in my life as I picked up that test and saw the words I was most scared to see, yet secretly thrilled for. Positive. I was pregnant, with child, had a bun in the oven, whatever you want to call it. I was going to be a mom to a precious bundle of joy and I couldn’t seem to find the negative in it. I would not regret my child, if anything I was grateful for it.
I shared one beautiful passionate night with Josh before everything came crashing down around us. That night had started like so many others when he stopped by for dinner. We were still teetering on the line of friendship when all of a sudden it felt so right. I could see that Josh was someone I could spend the rest of my life with, so why was I putting this off any longer? I walked over to him, straddled his lap and began to work his mouth slowly, cautiously, trying to gauge his reaction. Plunging his tongue into my mouth I threw caution to the wind. I wanted him so fucking bad and had been denying myself for weeks.
I gave in that night, I gave him all of me. We made promises to each other and I told him I had fallen in love with him. As we made sweet, passionate love, he told me that he fell in love the moment he laid eyes on me. It was the single most beautiful thing I had ever experienced in my life and I would never trade it for anything. It gave me this beautiful gift growing inside of me.
When I woke up the next morning he told me he was going to grab some breakfast at the local café. Kissing me on the forehead he left and I was on cloud nine. Little did I know when he returned everything was about to change.
He was gone for hours and I began to worry. He was only going to get breakfast after all so what the hell was taking him so long?
I went from pure elation at finding the man of my dreams to complete devastation when he confessed to me that he got a phone call from his ex-girlfriend back home on his way for breakfast. She confessed to him that she was pregnant and wanted to raise the baby with him. I cried, but I knew in the back of my mind that we could make this work. I loved him enough to help him raise another woman’s baby. When I told him as much, he shook his head shattering my dreams of a life with him.
“I need to be there for her and the baby…” I was zoning in and out of what he was saying, having a hard time understanding what was going on.
“Moving up here by the end of the month…” what? Who was moving up here?
“I’m so sorry Ashlyn, I never meant to hurt you…” that’s when it started to sink in.
Josh decided to choose this woman over me. He made me promises that night, promises that would have taken us to when we were old and sitting on the front porch watching our great grandchildren play in the yard. I wanted to shake him, try to make him see reason because he was throwing away our future over a sense of duty to his unborn child. I would have loved that child because it was a part of him, but he never gave me the chance. I broke down and began to sob as he grabbed his things and headed out the door, apologizing one last time.
“Fuck you,” I spat out. “You are making the biggest mistake of your life and when you realize it, I won’t be here for you anymore.”
He actually had the audacity to look heart broken. He chose this, he decided to leave me. I couldn’t seem to care about how he is feeling right now, I can only feel my own heart breaking in my chest.
Thinking about that night still guts me. I’m still so in love with him, but he decided to leave me and he needs to live with his choices. Marybeth moved up a week ago, or so I hear. The last time I saw him was Savvy’s wedding a few weeks back, why would I want to punish myself by seeing them together? Seeing him do things he should be doing with me. Going to doctor’s appointments, baby shopping, sharing it with our loved ones together. Fuck him, I don’t need those things. I’m strong enough to raise this baby by myself.
Placing my hand over my belly I vow to my child, that I will never be anyone’s second choice, and neither will this baby. He doesn’t know I’m pregnant and when he does find out it will change nothing. He won’t leave Marybeth just because he finds out and even if he did, I wouldn’t want him back. I would always feel like he was with me just because I was pregnant, exactly how that skank should feel.
Walking over to my purse, I look around the kitchen to make sure nobody is looking as I pull out the pregnancy test, the only piece of evidence that I am pregnant. Smiling to myself I think about a little girl with her father’s eyes or a little boy with his father’s sandy brown hair and toothy smile. I know that Josh was it for me and I’m okay with that and I’m thankful that I will always have a little piece of him to love. Our one night together, the love we had for each other created this perfect little miracle regardless of how our relationship ended up.
“Order up!”
The hustle and bustle of the kitchen jars me out of my thoughts as I tuck the test away and wash my hands. Heading back to the oven I spot Savvy over in the door way looking at me with concern in her eyes.
“Ash you okay?” She knows me better than anyone in this world. She knows something is up.
“No…but I will be.” We will be.