CHAPTER 19
Emmy
The pounding at the door wakes me after what feels like just two seconds of sleeping. My whole body feels like it weighs a hundred extra pounds. I should have known that Sway wouldn’t keep his mouth shut. I was so focused on getting the hell out before Maddox came home that I didn’t give a second thought to who helped me.
I stand at the door, my forehead planted against the wood, and breathe deeply. I have to remember that, whatever he says to me in anger, he doesn’t mean. He never means it. I can tell when he’s looking right at me that his eyes are begging for me not to believe what comes out of his mouth. I have to stay strong and let him know that he’s off the hook. He won’t have to deal with my stupid love anymore.
“Open the door, Emersyn.”
His voice hits me with a force so powerful that, even through the thick door, it makes me shiver. Stay strong, Emmy. You can do this. Just let him know that you’re done.
Wrapping my fingers around the door handle, feeling the cold steel against my skin, I try to let it center me. One last little push to stand strong and put a cold layer of ice over my heart.
I swing the door open right when he’s about to knock again and his fist stops just inches from my face. I gasp.
“Shit,” he growls.
We stand there just looking into each other’s eyes. I have no idea what’s going through his head right now. Why he’s even here. I said everything I needed to in that letter—unless he didn’t get it. Shit. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get that all out to his face. Writing it all down about killed me.
He’s still wearing the clothes from earlier—a dark-green Henley and jeans that are worn in all the right places. The sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, showing off the weaving lines of his tattoos. Reds and blacks dance together over almost every inch of his forearms. I know the design travels up both arms and ends by wrapping slightly around the back right on the base of his neck. Depending on the shirt, sometimes I can see a few of the lines licking up his tan skin. I’ve studied his forearms for so long that I imagine each and every sweep the tattoo gun must have taken. I know he has more along his ribs, but I’ve never had the pleasure to study them. I just know that it’s more blacks and reds.
When he clears his throat, I move my gaze from his thick, muscled forearms to meet his eyes. His deep-brown, very worried eyes. He isn’t masking his feelings from me right now, and as shocked as I am, I’m more confused than ever.
“What are you doing here?”
I haven’t let go of the door handle, using it to help hold my body from falling to the floor. He stands before me, still in the hallway, and at my question, he looks to his left and then right before meeting my gaze again. This time, the worry is replaced with . . . determination?
In a move so quick that I gasp, he’s pushing his way into the room and helping the door shut with a kick. I back up as he stalks towards me, my eyes wide and my breathing erratic.
“Maddox?” I implore.
“This is you not running?” he questions, solidifying that he did, in fact, read the letter I’d left him. “You think I haven’t felt that pull? Jesus, Emmy, it’s so strong that I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex. I’ve pushed and pushed, not to reject you—even though I now see my mistake—but to protect you. That love that you’ve been offering, I want nothing more than to take it and run. I have so many demons, Emmy. So many that they are woven into my very being, and I’m goddamn terrified that, if I take what you’re offering, even the platform, that promise of love, that you’ve been building won’t be strong enough, and when I tumble down, I’ll take you with me—straight into the pits of hell.”
He forces out a laugh and bends slightly at his waist, his hands going to his neck and his fingers clenching in frustration.
“Your words play in my head night after night, and fuck me if I didn’t recognize it before now, but you’ve been fighting those damn demons back even without knowing it.” He steps closer, and I have no energy to move back. I stand still, shock rooting me in place, and try to desperately process his words. “Someone told me earlier tonight that I needed to be brave and strong and show you my love. Laid out there in black and white by a damn kid,” he laughs. “He pulled my head out of my ass in two seconds, Em.”
“Mad—” I start.
“No, Em, let me finish. It’s not going to be easy for me, this whole getting words out when I’ve spend so long training myself to keep them in. For you, though . . . For you, I’m going to try, yeah?”
I nod and wait for him to continue. Both of us stand there, so close yet so far.
“The day I met you, my body was screaming to run. I hadn’t felt like that . . . ever. You brought out every single emotion that I had been fighting to keep locked away. I’ve feared every second since that those holds would never be strong enough against you. Jesus, Em, you have to understand this is new to me.”
“I know that, Mad,” I whisper.
“I pushed you. I hurt you—God, I hurt you—because I could never live with myself if the demons, the darkness, the evil inside me harmed you.”
“So you just decided to do it yourself? Save your stupid demons of darkness the trouble and just handle it?” I snip at him.
He at least has the decency to flinch. “Something like that, Em. It’s all I know. It’s the only way I could think to protect you and that was a vast mistake on my end. I want to let you in, Em. Fuck—I’m willing to goddamn beg if that’s what it takes for you to just believe that I’m here and craving just a sliver of your love. I honestly don’t know how to make it any clearer.”
“Just like that, Maddox? You want me to believe that, just like that, with one snap of my fingers, you’re going to be able to miraculously let me the hell in? Because I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it. I can only take so much before I’ve just had enough. I’m not even sure if I have the fight left in me for the both of us.”
His eyes close at my words and his head drops slightly. “No, Em, I don’t expect you to just believe me like that. But let’s get one thing straight—it doesn’t matter if you have any fight left in you because I’m going to fight hard enough for both of us now, angel. It’s time for you to hand over all of that strength and maybe give me a few pointers, but it’s time . . . time to let me fight for us.”
I gasp, tears forming and rolling over my eyes without my permission. He doesn’t even give them a chance to fall before he takes his hands and frames my face, kissing each one as quickly as he can.
“Please don’t give up on me,” he whimpers.
That sound coming out of him is my undoing. A deep sob bubbles past my throat and I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.
Our grips on each other don’t weaken. My tears soak his shirt and his breathing never slows, his heart beating rapidly against my cheek. I want so desperately to believe him, to take this lifeline that he’s thrown my way, but I’m scared.
The doubts and fears of what happens when he stops believing in us are almost too much. I need to think. I need to get my head together without him around, and even though I want to beg him to stay and take the comfort his arms are offering, I have to take this time—even if it is just tonight—and figure out once and for all if this is a road I can continue down.
Pulling back, I meet his eyes and tell him the only thing I can right now. “I need time, Maddox. I’m not asking for a lot, but just give me tonight . . . please.”
“I’m not fucking leaving, Emersyn.” His tone leaves no room for argument, but I know that, if he really means what he just said, he’s going to have to learn to give a little and not take it all.
“You really don’t have a choice right now, do you?”
His eyes darken, but I press on.
“Just a few hours ago, I cried myself to sleep with the knowledge that I had to give you up. I had talked myself into learning how to move on from everything I’ve fought for. That isn’t something I can just turn off with a few words. Even if they’re words I’ve craved. I meant what I said earlier in my letter—I bleed just like the rest of us. And right now, you need to go home and let me patch up those wounds and THINK.”
“It’s going against everything my body is demanding I do to make you believe me to just leave,” he pleads.
“Unfortunately for you, Maddox, right now, you don’t have a say. I need this time.”
He doesn’t speak, his eyes begging me to give in so fiercely that I have to move out of his hold and take a step back. His face drops with my movement and the truth sinks in. I’m not just giving in, and as much as it’s killing me not to, I need to make sure. If he is willing to give me this, then maybe he’s willing to really fight.
“I’ll give you tonight, angel, but I’ll be back. When the sun comes up, I’m going to be right back at your door, and I hope to God you will see then that I’m serious. I’m trying—I just need you to get some of that believe in us back and hold my hand as I go . . . because I’m going in blind, baby.”
I close my eyes and nod. He gives me one last pleading glance before moving towards me. He brushes his finger over my lips, trailing it down my neck before placing his hand over my heart.
“I want this back, and I’m going to do everything I can to have it.” He gives me one soft kiss before walking towards the door.
I get one more sad smile before he’s gone.
Then I crumble to the floor and cry. Everything I’ve wanted is right there—but will I be able to take a chance knowing that I might crash and break down even harder if he changes his mind?