CHAPTER 15
Dee
I’m more nervous for my lunch date with Izzy than I thought I would be. I know this isn’t going to be a fun catch up and gossip date. She’s going to be devastated when I tell her everything I’ve hidden from her.
Beck left this morning worried for me because he knew what would happen today. But he also left knowing that I needed to do this alone, and he never once questioned me.
I can only hope that when he gets home, and I tell him what I have to tell Izzy, that he’s still willing to stand by my side.
It’s time for me to free myself of all this pain.
* * *
I’ve just stepped out of the shower when I hear a knock on the door. I think about locking myself in the bathroom and hiding, but after a few seconds of calming my breathing, I’m able to fight the panic.
Dressing quickly in the sweats and tee that Beck had left on the floor this morning, I set off for the door with only a slight tremble in my limbs. As silently as I can I creep up to the door and look through the peephole. When I see Maddox glaring at the solid wood, I smile slightly, take a deep breath to calm my nerves, and open the door.
“Hey Mad.” I smile and stand back for him to enter.
“Hey.” He looks me over, his lips twitching just barely, before heading off in the direction of the kitchen.
“I’m going to get ready, okay?” I call after his retreating form.
“Yup.”
I shake my head and lock the door before heading back upstairs.
It takes me longer than normal to get ready. What does one wear to lunch, knowing that you’re about to rip your best friend’s heart to pieces? I settle for a pair of skinny jeans, a teal blouse, and my favorite teal four-inch heels. Light makeup and a few motivational pep talks later, I’m ready to take on the day.
“Izzy’s on her way.” I tell Maddox when I enter the kitchen. He’s standing next to the stove, eating some of the bacon left from breakfast. “Do you want a plate? Maybe let me make you something fresh?”
“I know and no.”
“Uh, okay? You know you don’t have to be here, right? I’ll be okay by myself.” I smile, letting him know that I really will be okay, but he doesn’t move.
He just looks at me with those scary eyes, finishes the last two pieces, and washes his hands. “You might think you’re okay to be alone, but I’m still going to be here. You and Izzy do your thing, and if you need me when you’re done until Beck gets home, then I’ll be here. If not, then I’ll still be here.” And with that, he turns and makes his way through the house. I hear him settling in the living room, the TV click on, and the low sounds of some sports crap fill the air.
Well . . . okay then.
I set about cleaning the kitchen, trying to keep my mind clear. Izzy comes bouncing in about an hour later with a wiggling Nate on her hip, and what looks like her whole house in the bag around her shoulder.
“Hey, you!” She drops the bag and sets Nate on his feet before coming over to give me a hug. “I missed you! Beck seems to only want to keep you all to himself.”
I try to smile but the butterflies in my gut are going crazy. She notices and gives me a weak smile. I look away from her when I hear Nate’s little feet take off and the sounds of his squealing.
Oh, wow.
“Oh, wow.” She echoes my thoughts. We both stand here, staring at Maddox who has Nate up in the air, and he has the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face. His whole demeanor changes right before us. The hard, unapproachable look that he normally wears is gone, and replaced with a man seriously too good looking for his own good.
“I can see why Emmy is so hung up on him,” she whispers in my direction.
“You aren’t lying.”
We both laugh and Maddox jerks his head in our direction. The carefree smile that was on his face only seconds before is now long gone. He almost looks mad that he ever let it appear in the first place.
“I’ll take Nate while you two do your chick stuff.” He takes off with a giggling Nate in his arms. I hear a door click in the distance, and know he must have gone down into the basement where Beck keeps all his workout equipment.
“So, I’m guessing that we aren’t actually eating, huh?” She lets a nervous laugh bubble out, but stops when I look at her and shake my head. “I didn’t think so. I just knew somehow that you didn’t want to catch up.”
“Come on, it’s a pretty day, so why don’t we go sit out in the sunroom?”
She grabs a water bottle out of the diaper bag and follows after me.
“Just spit it out, Dee. It’s killing me. All night, I was worried about what you wanted to talk about. I could tell by the tone in your voice that something’s going on, but I can’t figure out for the life of me what it could be.” Her green eyes look so dark when she’s worried. She’s biting on her lip and fidgeting with her hands.
I start at the beginning and tell her about my parents, the boys I used to date, and how all those relationships ended. I tell her about how I didn’t have any real friends until the day I met her. She takes it all in, nodding her head a few times here and there to let me know she’s listening. I can tell she’s getting upset when I mention how bad things had been growing up with my parents, but she kept silent.
Then I tell her everything I’ve only spoken about to Dr. Maxwell and Maddox about. I finally reveal the secrets about her ex-husband that I have held in for so long. She only lets out a few shocked gasps, her hand shooting out to hold mine when I relate how he broke into my office and beat me.
“I should have done more to get you out, Izzy. I was just so scared of what he would do. I could see it in his eyes. I don’t know how I knew, but I just did. I sat by and let him hurt you, Izzy.” When I meet her troubled gaze and see the tears in her eyes, it breaks my heart, and the tears that I have been holding back start falling freely.
“You’ve been beating yourself up this whole time, haven’t you?” I nod my head, but before I can open my mouth, she interrupts. “Brandon was a sick man, Dee. You have no idea how much it hurts to know he got his filthy hands on you, but nothing that happened during my marriage is your fault.” She’s trying to keep her emotions in check, but the tremble in her voice gives her away.
I pause for a second to get ready to finish my story, and gaze out on the beautifully landscaped backyard. I must have been silent for a while, because her whispered question makes me jump.
“What aren’t you telling me, Dee? I know you. There’s more isn’t there?” Her voice is begging me to prove her wrong.
“Yeah, there’s more.” I take another breath and look back over to see her face awash with pain. “When he finally got done using his fist he told me that if I tried to contact you in any way, that he would kill you,” I whisper on a sob. Her tears are coming quickly, and I know I have to get the rest out before she starts to cry in earnest. “And then . . . then he took the only thing left to take from me.”
She starts shaking her head begging me to shut up.
“I’m sorry, so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, but he said he would kill you! I tried to keep my eyes on you, but I was so terrified that if I even tried to warn you, he would take you from me completely.”
Her body is heaving with her sobs, and it’s hard to tell who is crying louder at this point. She grabs me and pulls me into a tight, painful hug. We sit there, rocking together for a while, before she pulls back.
“He raped you, didn’t he?” she asks a few minutes later, her voice calm despite the fact that her hands are shaking violently.
“Yeah, he did.”
If she hadn’t have jumped slightly, I wouldn’t have thought that she heard me since I’d spoken so lightly.
“I’m trying to process this. I really am . . . I can’t even wrap my head around all of this, Dee! Why didn’t you tell me years ago? Even after he was gone? Did you think I would blame you? God, never! I’m upset because you had to go through that alone.” She wipes her eyes with her shirt and tries to calm herself down. “You’re like my sister, Dee. Why couldn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t know how. It seems so simple now, looking back, but then, all I saw was another man turned monster. It wasn’t even about the rape, Izzy. That was terrible, but I survived it. I was worried about you and what would happen if I didn’t find a way to save you.”
She grabs my hand and holds it tightly. “You did save me. That night that I called you, you saved my life that day and every day after. I wish you had told me about this years ago, but thank you for telling me now. For trusting me with this.”
We sit here both with our own pain, for a few minutes when I feel her hand constrict against mine. “You aren’t done, are you? If you were done, you wouldn’t look like that.” Her eyes are wide and panicked with the unknown fear of what else I have to tell her.
“I’m not done.”
“Jesus, Dee.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “Tell me, please.” Her pleading voice gives me the last push I need.
I tell her about the pain I suffered after Brandon’s final attack. How his attack clicked some switch inside of me. How it made me feel like I was drowning in the nightmare that he created. How I had no hope in my escape. I tell her all about my fight with depression, and concerning what the doctor has diagnosed as PTSD brought on by the attack. For a second, I think I need to stop, or fib a little and downplay how bad I got mentally, but I know that I need to get this all out in order to move on. She’s crying, sobbing, and gasping for air by the time I finish.
“My God, Dee!” She grabs me and pulls me in tight again, crying into the crook of my neck. “I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up with Axel, Nate, and life that I’ve been a terrible friend.”
“No, Iz. You haven’t been a terrible friend. You’ve just had other priorities, and I never blamed you, not once. Please, don’t think that. I didn’t tell you this to make you upset. I told you this because, without letting it out, I will never be able to move on. I want to move on. I’m ready to fight for my happiness now, and I couldn’t do that with this between us, even if you didn’t know it was there.” I’m so proud of myself for getting that out without a single tear. I hate seeing Izzy upset, but knowing that I’m strong enough to get through that, and to let her know how hard the last few years have been, gives me a feeling of peace that I didn’t have before. I’m one step closer to being healed, and it makes me feel like a whole new person.
“I don’t know how you can ever forgive me for not seeing how much pain you were in,” she whispers, staring off into the yard.
“Izzy, that’s easy. There isn’t anything to forgive. I love you.”
She gives me a smile, wipes her eyes again with her shirt, and reaches out to hug me again.
“Please, tell me there isn’t anything else?”
“There isn’t. I know it’s not easy to hear, but thank you for listening. You have no idea how scared I’ve been to tell you all of that.”
She leans up and gives me a weak smile. “Don’t keep things from me again. I understand where your head was in keeping that to yourself, but don’t do that again. You’re one of the most important people in my life, Dee, and I don’t ever want you to think there’s something you can’t tell me.”
“I know that now. It’s taken me a lot of really expensive doctor appointments to really understand that, though. I’m done hiding and keeping parts of myself from those that love me.”
We sit here silently for a while, just offering each other the strength that we need. I know she’s hurting, and there really isn’t anything I can do about it. She’s my best friend, my sister, and one of the most important people in my life. But this is something she has to take and process on her own, with the help of the husband that loves her, to get past it.
It’s a shock, and I know she’s going to be upset about this, understandably so, but I also know that our friendship is that much stronger, because there isn’t a single thing standing between us now.
She gets up to leave about an hour later and when I watch her drive off, I do it with the clarity that everything is going to be just fine.