Toni
To say that I was thinking of transferring would be an understatement. My family had warned me when I first started talking about Mark that I should stay away. They said nothing good would come of it, and I was kidding myself if I thought otherwise. Did I listen, no. I’ve always been the stubborn one in our family, and I was proving that yet again with flying colors. That stubbornness is what’s kept me from crying the last few days, but after having a weekend away from it all I’m beginning to rethink my plan. I’m sure if I talked to Joe, he’d let me transfer to another district. I have connections in a few of them. Hell, Evan could probably pull some strings in his.
When I stepped into the squad room this morning, it all changed. There was a tenseness in the air, and as I moved closer to my desk it got thicker. I didn’t even notice that his things were missing until I sat down and powered up my computer. Eyes swung away from me as I went about my business. Mark and I had never actually come out and said that we were together, but I think Joe was the only one that hadn’t figured it out yet. I hadn’t wanted to sneak around in the first place. I wasn’t good at it, and it made me feel cheap. Mark was the one who had insisted.
“What?” I tossed my hands in the air as I leaned back in my chair. “I feel you staring. What is it?” I wasn’t one to beat around the bush about stuff, and today had already started bad. Why not make it worse?
“He left,” Seth murmured. “Came in Friday, cleared off his desk, and left.” I’ve known Seth to be a straight shooter. He wasn’t one to hide his feelings, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was pissed.
“Why?” I glanced over to where Mark is usually standing in the mornings with his coffee.
“Because of you,” he pointed at me. “His ex really messed him up. You’re the first one he let in, and then you did something to mess him up again. I never thought he’d leave the job, but he did… for you.” He stabbed his finger in the air, punctuating each word as he talked to me.
“But I didn’t…” I snapped my mouth shut as my temper began to simmer. “You know what?” I shoved back from my desk, “If he left, that was his choice. I never asked him to, and quite frankly…this is none of your damn business.”
“Might not be, but him leaving affects all of us,” Seth sighed before going back to his desk.
I did what I could to stay focused that day, but I didn’t accomplish much. My mind was too preoccupied with Mark. How the hell did we go from the amazing connection we had to avoiding each other? I thought I’d found something real with him, but I guess I was I wrong. I didn’t know much about his ex or how they ended. He never talked about her, and I didn’t ask. I assumed it was none of my business.
When five p.m. came and went, I decided to go get takeout. I hadn’t planned to stay late, but since Evan had helped them, Seth’s case was slowly cracking open. If Mark was leaving me without a partner, then I might as well do what I could to help them while I waited for the new assignment. I’m sure Joe would have someone transferred in by morning.
The hours ticked by until I was so tired that I was no good to them. I grabbed my things and headed out to my car. It was a warm night and as I cranked the engine, I lowered my windows. The drive home was a peaceful one as the early summer breeze blew through the car, causing my hair to swirl around me. I was physically exhausted, and when I pulled up to my building, I didn’t even see him there.
My feet came to a stumbling stop when his head lifted and his eyes connected with mine. “Did you have a nice evening?” he sneered as he shoved himself to a standing position.
“I’m not in the mood to deal with you right now,” I muttered as I tried to step around him.
“Too bad,” he crossed his arms over his chest and moved to block my way inside.
“Mark,” I narrowed my eyes as I tipped my head back so I could look him in the eye. “It’s been a long day. Now MOVE!”
He shifted, but didn’t get out of my way, “Why didn’t you tell me about him?”
“About who?” I was so tired that my brain wasn’t keeping up with his, and all I was thinking about doing was showering and sleep.
“You’re not a stupid woman, Toni so don’t play dumb with me. It’s not sexy,” he gritted out. I watched as he took a few deep breaths before repositioning himself in front of me.
“I told you. We’ve worked together before. He’s a cop… that’s it. He’s been undercover for almost year. I can’t tell you more than that. The only reason I know anything is because I worked in his precinct for a little bit of time when he first caught the case. You know how this works. It’s ‘needs to know’ and you don’t.” I crossed my arms to mimic him. “I’m really tired, and just want to go to bed right now.”
I watched as he finally relented and let me pass. He was trying to hide it, but he was hurt. The anger was gone, and just hurt remained. I shook my head in frustration as I walked to the elevator and pushed the call button. When the doors opened, I glanced back at where he was standing by the door. “I thought it was real, you and I. Guess I was wrong.” I stepped in and let the doors close, but not before seeing his face transform. I heard the slap against the doors, but the elevator was already moving. I sagged back against the side as I ascended to my floor.
When the doors opened and I stepped out, I heard a bang from the end of the hall. I glanced in that direction just in time to see Mark standing in the doorway to the stairwell. He was breathing hard from running up the stairs, and his face was red. He began storming towards me as I rushed to my door. Right when I got the key in and started to open it, his hand slammed down holding it closed. “It was fucking real,” he growled right next to my ear. “Every part of it was real to me. From the first time I touched you all the way to when you came on my face two weeks ago. It was all real to me. I left my job for you. You, Toni,” he spun me to face him and leaned in as he pinned me to the door. Déjà vu swamped me as I remembered our last encounter at the bar. Anger rose, but I kept my mouth shut as Mark’s feelings for me went to war. His words said he was telling the truth, but the pain in his eyes said he was afraid to bare himself to me. “I always told myself that the job came first; that I would never leave it for a woman. I’ve stuck to that motto until you came along. You changed something in me. You made me want more, and I believed we could have it. Seeing you with him…” he stepped back and balled his fists. “All I could picture was the two you sneaking around behind my back.”
I took a few deep breaths as I reached behind my back and twisted the knob to my apartment. When the door gave way, I stepped inside, and offered Mark my hand. He stared for a few minutes before stepping past me and inside. I nodded, as I closed the door. “I didn’t lie to you. You have to know that. I told you I was chasing a lead. I told you it was work related. I couldn’t tell you anything else.” I brushed by him and tossed my keys on the counter in the kitchen. I didn’t bother to turn lights on because I was hoping to go to bed, but I had no idea what Mark’s plans were. I didn’t know where we stood, or if there was even a ‘we’ at this point. “What else do you want me to say?” I flung my arms in the air as I breezed into my bedroom. I began peeling my clothes off as I made my way into the bathroom.
“I want you to tell me that you understand where I’m coming from. I want you to tell me that you forgive me for being an ass, and I want you to tell me that you’re as hopelessly in love with me as I am with you,” he stopped in the doorway and stared at me standing there in only my lace panties. “I was an ass, but it’s because I’m in love with you. The idea of anyone being with you when you were with me makes my blood boil. I wanted to tear his arms off and then beat him with them. I’m fucking crazy about you,” he stepped closer and cupped my jaw. “I’m sorry,” his head dipped down, and when our foreheads touched, I saw a tender side of him that he’d never shown me before. “Tell me I haven’t screwed this up so bad that it can’t be fixed. Tell me we can make it work. Tell me that a small part of you loves me too,” his eyes squeezed shut as the wall I’d put around myself began to crack.
“On one condition,” I whispered.
“What’s that?” he stayed in position, only opening his eyes.
“If you get in this shower with me and prove what you just said,” I pressed my lips to his as he scrambled to reach behind his neck and yank his shirt over his head.
We stepped into the steam, and Mark did just that. Every part of me was worshiped and cared for as if it were the last time he’d touch me. His lips followed his hands, caressing and proving that he was hopelessly in love, and when the water ran cold we moved to the bed. Sleep was a forgone idea, but I didn’t care. Mark and I had crashed when we came together, but it was worth it to feel the burn between us now.