Chapter 20
Trix
I glanced across the crowded clubhouse and took a deep breath. I’d been mingling for over two hours and my feet were beginning to hurt in the shoes I’d borrowed from my mom. I hadn’t had anything to wear to a funeral—I hadn’t even been to one since I was a kid. If it had just been Slider and Vera, I would have felt comfortable in a nice pair of jeans and a tank top, but for Gram, I’d known I had to do better than that. Unfortunately, the only summer dress I’d had was getting too tight in the chest and belly, so I’d felt like I was wrapped in sausage casing all day.
I was ready to change into one of Cam’s t-shirts and get off my feet.
My family had taken a little time alone at my parents’ house to unwind after we’d finished burying Vera, Slider and Gram, but eventually we’d had to make our way back to the clubhouse. The reception—if you could call it that—was just as important as the procession of hundreds of bikers had been. It was a celebration of life, and Slider wouldn’t have wanted any other type of sendoff.
I’d also spent quite a bit of time with Cam that day. It was odd, his presence soothed me as much as it hurt. I was so jumbled up inside that I wanted him close, but the minute he got too close, all I wanted was for him to leave. I hadn’t told him that I was moving in with my parents yet. I didn’t want to deal with the fight that I knew it would cause, especially right before the funerals.
Everything hurt, from my eyelids to the tips of my toes. I felt so worn down, so overwhelmingly tired. When I tried to sleep, I had unbearable nightmares, but when I stayed awake, I was so weary I could cry. The lack of sleep made the flashbacks even clearer during the day, almost like hallucinations that I couldn’t seem to stop. I wondered if anyone else was dealing with the aftereffects of the attack like I was. If they were, they weren’t admitting it.
I swept my eyes around the room one more time, but I couldn’t see Cam anywhere. I wasn’t really surprised. There were so many people in the room that they brushed up against me constantly. My parents and Leo were over by the pool table, beers in hand. Leo wouldn’t be old enough to drink legally for years still, but I think my mom was giving him a pass for the day.
He’d been shot in the face—drinking beer seemed so insignificant in comparison.
Gramps and Nan were sitting a few bar stools down from where I was standing, and I caught Nan’s eye as I made my way toward them.
“I’m beat,” I told her quietly, leaning in for a hug. “I think I’m going to go lay down for a while.”
“Okay, baby,” she murmured back, looking closely into my eyes. “Get some rest, huh?”
“I’ll try.”
I pushed my way into the back hallway, and finally had some room to move. While the clubhouse was open for visiting members and friends, the hallway to the bedrooms was off-limits. A prospect that had been a few years behind me in high school stood guard.
When I reached Cam’s bedroom, I let out a sigh of relief. Finally, a little quiet.
I pushed open the door and closed it behind me without turning on the light, cocooning me in darkness.
“You comin’ to bed?” a voice slurred, making me jump.
“Cam,” I sighed after a moment.
“Who’d you think it was?” he asked, and I could hear the sheets rustling underneath him.
“Why are you in here?” I replied without answering his question.
“Needed a couple minutes by myself,” he mumbled.
“Oh, I’ll just—”
“Don’t open that fucking door,” he snapped, making me freeze in my tracks.
“What’s your problem?” The hair on the back of my neck stood up, the darkness making his harsh words seem almost threatening.
“My problem?”
“Yeah,” I inched farther into the room, crossing my arms around my torso.
“You seriously askin’ me that?”
I stayed silent as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, finding him seated on the bed with his elbows braced on his knees.
“What’s goin’ on with you, Bea?”
“Nothing,” I replied automatically, the word coming out tonelessly. My limbs felt like dead weight as I tried to keep my body upright.
“Bullshit,” he hissed, raising his head to look at me. “You’re not sleepin,’ you’re not eatin,’ you’re barely fuckin’ talkin.’ What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I’m not doing this with you when you’re drunk,” I snapped back, slowly turning toward the door.
“We’re doin’ this now,” Cam argued, surging off the bed so quickly I took a stutter step away from him. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“What’s wrong?” his voice grew louder.
“Nothing.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he screamed, leaning forward a little at the waist.
“Fuck you!” I screamed back, my face heating.
“Oh, fuck me? Fuck me?”
“Get the fuck away from me!”
“I’m not anywhere goddamn near you! You don’t let me near you!” He threw his hands up in frustration.
“That’s because I don’t want you near me,” I hissed back, my hands shaking. “I don’t even want to look at you!”
Cam stumbled back a step, his face creased in confusion. I took the opportunity to dart toward the door and I’d barely gotten it open before Cam’s large hand was over my shoulder and slamming it shut again.
“You’re not fuckin’ leavin’!” he shouted.
That was the catalyst. Four small words that sucked me back in time to a place I never wanted to visit again.
Memory after memory filled my head until I was stumbling away from the door, pressing my hands against my ears trying to make the voice stop.
“You’re not going to leave me.”
“You’re not leaving.”
“You won’t go anywhere.”
“You’ve got nowhere to go.”
“What, did you think you would run from me?”
“Cam? Everything okay, bud?” Casper’s voice called, then the door behind me swung open and the overhead light was flipped on.
I didn’t turn toward the door. Instead, I pressed my hands harder against my ears as the memories continued to flood in, even as light filled the room and illuminated the bed I’d been sleeping in for weeks.
“Stupid bitch.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
“Come to Daddy, Trix.”
“Don’t,” Cam’s voice slurred as he moved toward me. “Get out.”
“You’re drunk, son. Come on, come back to the party.”
“No. We’re talkin’.”
“Doesn’t look like Trix feels like talkin’.” Casper’s voice was calm, even as Cam seemed to grow more agitated.
I stared at the dark green wool blanket covering Cam’s bed.
“Prospect called me—what’s goin’ on?” my pop’s voice rumbled through the room.
“Get out!” Cam yelled.
I jolted as Cam reached behind him, wrapping his arm around my waist and pressing me into his back.
But still, I was frozen. Stuck between the past and the present.
“Why the fuck are there toys all over the living room, Brenna?”
“You stay home all fucking day, you couldn’t clean the fuck up?”
“Where’s Trix? Trix, Daddy’s home!”
“I’ll see my kid when I want to, bitch. Trix, come on down, sweetheart!”
“You okay, Little Warrior?” my pop called, making Cam’s arm tighten around my waist.
“We’re talkin.’ Get out,” Cam slurred again, his fingers rubbing gently on my belly.
“Trix? Answer me,” my pop ordered.
“Come on, Cameron,” Casper said gently. “Just makin’ sure everything’s okay, boy.”
“Everythin’ was fine till you came busting into my room,” Cam snapped.
“Bellatrix Colleen?” Pop called.
There was movement at the door, and then Casper cursed. “Get the fuck outta here, Ladybug.”
“What’s going on?” Farrah asked accusingly. “Cam?”
“Just tryin’ to talk to Trix,” Cam said softly to his mom. “Just need to talk some shit out.”
“Why’s she standin’ behind you, baby?” Farrah questioned, her voice coming closer.
“Just holdin’ her, Ma,” Cam sighed.
“You okay, Trix?” Farrah called.
I couldn’t answer her. My entire body had begun to shake, and within seconds, my teeth were chattering. I felt like my chest was caving in as I began to tilt to the side.
“Trix?” Cam’s voice was alarmed as he spun toward me. He lifted me up as I raised my hands to my throat.
I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe.
“Cody, get me a paper bag,” Farrah snapped, striding toward us.
Cam sat on the edge of the bed, settling me in his lap as his hands ran all over me.
“Are you hurt?” he asked frantically, testing my arms and legs and belly. “Where are you hurt?”
“Cameron, stop it.” Farrah’s voice made Cam freeze. “Trix, honey, I think you’re having a panic attack.”
I wheezed and scratched at my throat.
“It’s okay, I promise. Deep breaths, come on. Take a deep breath for me.”
My eyes searched the room frantically until they landed on my pop. Almost instantly, I pulled a huge gulp of air into my lungs.
“That’s it,” Farrah said soothingly. “Now, let it out slowly.”
I kept my eyes on my pop, who was less than four feet away, and took another deep breath. Then I met his eyes, my heart in a thousand pieces.
“Fuck this shit,” Pop mumbled, moving forward quickly.
“Don’t,” Cam growled threateningly, his arms tightening around my body.
“The fuck do you think you are?” Pop said incredulously, coming to a halt. “I’ll fuckin’ end you.”
“Jesus Christ,” Farrah hissed, reaching up to pull my hands from my throat. “The testosterone in here is so thick I can taste it—and it tastes like shit.”
“Got a bag, Ladybug,” Casper announced as he ran back into the room.
“Good, give it to Dragon. Trix is breathin’ again, think he’s the one who’s gonna need it.”
“Bitch—” Pop started to say.
“Don’t go there, brother,” Casper warned.
The skin on my arms prickled as I curled my body tighter into a ball on Cam’s lap. I wanted everyone to go away. My mind was spinning.
“Cam, I don’t think Trix is up for a chat tonight,” Farrah said softly, turning her back on Casper and my pop as if she couldn’t even be concerned with them. “Why don’t you wait until the morning? Clear heads and all that.”
“She stays with me,” Cam ground out, his head tilting down to rub his hair roughened cheek over the top of my head.
“Okay, baby. But I think she needs some sleep, bud. She looks like she’s ready to fall over.”
“I got her.”
“I know you do. I know. But you need to lay her down so she can sleep.” Farrah’s eyes met mine as she rubbed her thumbs over the backs of my hands. “She’s growin’ a baby. Pregnant women need their sleep.” She gave me a small smile.
“She don’t sleep,” Cam whispered, his voice strangled. “She just lays there, tossin’ and turnin,’ and when she falls asleep, she screams.”
Farrah’s eyes drifted shut, and she swallowed hard.
“Well, maybe if you lay with her she can get some rest, huh?” Farrah finally said, opening her tear-soaked eyes. “Keep the monsters at bay for a night.”
“I’m tryin’.” I couldn’t see if Cam was crying, but it sounded like it. I knew whatever he’d been drinking had probably brought his emotions to the surface, but I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t even help myself.
I wanted to reach up and pull him against me, to kiss his face and tell him that we’d be okay—but I couldn’t. It didn’t feel like anything would ever be okay again.
“Keep trying, baby,” Farrah said softly.
Cam nodded against my head, then scooted back on the bed. I glanced at my pop and Casper as we moved, but both were frozen.
I let Cam move me so my body was between him and the wall, then shut my eyes as he curled his body around me.
“There you go,” Farrah said softly, pulling a blanket up over our shoulders. “Get some rest.”
The room went quiet for a moment before shuffling footsteps moved toward the door, and the light shining through my eyelids went dark. Then the door closed softly.
“I love you,” Cam whispered against my ear as my heart thundered in my chest. “I love you so much. You gotta let me help you, Sweetbea. Please.”
His breath hitched once, then twice, and within seconds, he began to snore. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.
I’d trusted Cam for so long, it had become second nature to me. We were a team. Soul mates. I’d never imagined being with anyone but him, never envisioned a life that didn’t include him as my man.
So, I couldn’t understand why I had this block—this feeling of apprehension and fear at the thought of settling down with him and a baby. Was it immaturity? I didn’t think so. It went so much deeper than that.
I didn’t want to be my mother.
What if, after a few more months, we’d decided that we didn’t work as a couple? Without the baby, it would have been hard to leave him, but I could’ve. I could’ve stepped away and made a different plan, found a different man. Maybe.
But now? He’d never let me leave.
“You’re not going anywhere,” the voice in my memory hissed.
It wouldn’t matter how bad our life got. If I stayed, I’d be stuck.
I could never imagine Cam abusing me the way my stepdad abused my mom. Never in a million years. But my mom hadn’t anticipated it, either.
She’d married a man that was so clean cut he was squeaky. He had money, dressed well and asked her to marry him, even though she was already pregnant with someone else’s babies. He’d seemed perfect on paper.
A lot like Cam seemed perfect for me—except Cam wasn’t clean cut. He was rough. He lived outside the law. Rules and regulations didn’t mean anything to him, and while that didn’t bother me one single bit normally… it made the threat so much more significant.
I couldn’t be sure. I couldn’t be sure, and I couldn’t take the risk. When I’d gone to him about the baby, terrified out of my mind, he’d looked at me like he hated me.
God, I could still see the disgust on his face. Why hadn’t he seen how badly I was falling apart? And now, he acted like none of that had even happened—like it was all erased because of the things we’d gone through since that day.
The attack was so much bigger than my meltdown about the baby—I knew that. I knew that our problems were insignificant when I compared them to losing four people in one day. My worries about having a baby before I began my career seemed silly when I remembered the day of the attack, watching as, one by one, my family fell.
But that didn’t mean that I’d forgotten the way Cam had looked at me.
What would have happened if we hadn’t had to deal with something so devastating? Would he still be treating me like dirt beneath his boots? Would he still be looking at me like I was a monster? How could I live with him, knowing that at any point, he could just completely shut himself away from me?
He’d looked at me like my mom’s husband had looked at her—like she was nothing. Like I was nothing.
It was better if I got out before that could happen—before he could look at me like that again. I didn’t think I’d be able to live if, down the road, I did something to make him angry and he pulled away like that again.
I inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of Cam’s deodorant and the smell of grease that he seemed to always carry around. I loved him so much.
But hours later, as the sun started coming through the small window high on the wall, I gently pulled myself out of his arms and got dressed, packing a few items into a small bag and throwing it over my shoulder.
Then I left him.
I didn’t stop moving until I’d made my way to my parents’ house and opened the front door without knocking.
“You okay?” Pop asked me as he came down the short hallway in nothing but a pair of ratty jeans.
“I don’t want to go back,” I replied, dropping my bag to the floor. “Please. I want to stay here.”
Pop searched my face for almost a full minute before he nodded. “Your ma’s in bed. Go climb in with her and get some sleep. I’ll take care of it.”
My entire body sagged in both relief and sadness.
My relationship with Cam was over.