Chapter 1

Lauren

I was so damn lucky that I hadn't seen him in the airport. Believe me, my eyes scanned the place a million times. I don't remember a time I'd ever looked over my shoulder so much. When I finally boarded the plane, I let out a long breath. It should have been one of relief, but it wasn't. Had I hoped he'd come up behind me? If so, what had I expected him to say? There was so much going through my head. I hadn't intended on being with him again. I should have gone to my room instead of his. Why hadn't I been able to do the right thing?

It hadn't made anything better being with him again. When I thought it was just a one time thing, I'd been able to convince myself that it wasn't him, it was just being with a real man. The second time was more explosive than the first and left me with the most fucked up feelings. Yes, I was having actual feelings for the one man I couldn't stand, the one man I needed to stay far away from, the one man that could tear my future away. Part of me felt horrible for leaving the way I did in the middle of the night. Why, I had no idea. He'd done the very same thing to me just three months before.

I sat there with my phone in my hand as I put it in flight mode. Why had I gotten his number? Would he be beyond pissed if he knew I had it? What would he do if I called him? He'd probably hang up on me. I felt like a damn stalker. That wasn't me. I was strong and independent, not some clingy, needy teenager. My finger hovered once again over the button to delete his number, but I couldn't do it. I let out a huff, as I closed his contact on my phone. The more I tried to get him out of my mind, the more I sat there thinking of him every second through take off. What the fuck was wrong with me, I wondered?

I put my earbuds in, turned on some music, and closed my eyes. I needed to get home. That was all that mattered. Jackson, I thought to myself. I needed to keep my thoughts on Jackson. He was the only one I needed to be concerning myself with.

As soon as that plane landed and I had my stuff, I headed for my car. I needed to see my boy. I'd only been gone for one night, but I'd missed him so much. It was crazy how my life had gone from being all about me to being all about my little man. I thought about how thankful I was for him every single day. I needed to keep my eyes on the prize, a good life for him. There was no way I could let myself spiral down the path those last three months had taken me. The job was mine for the taking, all I had to do was make it happen faster than Lance. Keep your mind on the project, I told myself over and over on the drive home.

I walked through the door, and my boy came running. My stuff hit the floor, as I scooped him up and hugged him tight.

“I missed you so much,” he said.

“I missed you too, Jackson,” I said.

My grandma came around the corner and hugged us both.

“How did it go?” she asked.

She wasn't much into hearing about my work, but I was happy she asked. The only thing she really knew was that I was going against one guy for the job. She didn't know that neither of us were guaranteed a full-time gig at the company. I wasn't going to worry her with that part. All I knew was that if I didn't get more done than him, I wouldn't even have the chance.

“Better than I thought,” I said. “He didn't get through either. I have a second chance, and I'm going to make it happen.”

“I'm so proud of you, Lauren,” she said. “Your grandpa would be proud too. You're an amazing woman. You've come a long way, and you're a great mom to that little boy. He talked about you every waking moment.”

“I couldn't have done any of it without you,” I said. “I'll take Jackson to his room to play. You relax and watch one of your cooking shows. Thank you for watching him so much lately. I'll make it up to you.”

“Just kick that guy's butt,” she said. “I know you can do it.”

I turned and walked toward the living room.

“At least one of us believes in me,” I whispered before speaking louder to Jackson. “Let's go play with some of your toys.”

“Okay,” he said before jumping up from his spot, grabbing my hand, and pulling me forward.

I spent the rest of the night playing and reading with him. Once he'd had his bath and had gone to bed, I got my laptop out and ready. I pulled up my work and began trying to once again figure it all out. There had to be a way to get through, and I had to be the one to find it. I felt like I was racing against the clock.

My mind kept going back to Lance, but not the way you think. I wasn't wondering if he was working or if he was getting any closer. Instead, I was wondering if he was thinking about me. Was he pissed that I'd left, or had he not even given it a second thought? Maybe he was happy I'd left like I had. Maybe he was relieved that he hadn't had to deal with getting rid of me in the morning. Then I found myself wondering how often he slept with women. Was it a normal thing for him to sleep with someone so fast? Was he a player? It didn't matter. I didn't plan to be with him again. Was he wondering the same things about me? Shit! He probably thought I fell into bed with any man. That would be wrong. I wasn't like that. I felt so damn bad for letting it seem that way. I'd been with him without a second thought both times. The next day, it was as if we hadn't been together at all. I didn't want him to think of me that way. What did it matter what he thought? Why did I even care? Ugh! My mind was messing with me, and I didn't like it.

I went back and forth with myself on messaging him. Maybe I should call him, I thought. No, I couldn't do it. He would think I was crazy. The more I thought about walking out after being with him, the less I thought of myself. I'd done it because I was scared. I was afraid of the way he made me feel. I didn't want to feel anything for him or any other man. I had things I needed to accomplish. I needed to think about my son. I hadn't left because it was a one night thing and I was making my exit so I wouldn't be seen doing the walk of shame. Oh shit! I had done the walk of shame.

I stared at my screen and couldn't help myself. I'd wanted to cut all communication. I was set on leaving him alone and concentrating on my own work. Why was I being such a damn girl about it? I had to say something. I needed to clear if from my mind. If I apologized for leaving, I'd be taking that weird guilt off of myself. I'd also be taking a risk. Apologizing to him, to my enemy, was like giving him control. He'd think I was weak. He'd use it against me. I couldn't help it, I had to do it. I needed to clear my own mind. I didn't sleep around. I didn't walk out in the middle of the night. I didn't sleep with anyone. Before I could talk myself out of it, I quickly typed the message and hit send.

Me: I'm sorry.

It didn't take two seconds for me to want to take it back. I wasn't sure how, but that didn't matter. He'd already seen it, I could tell he had. There was no taking it back.