I cruised through Hamlinton in my truck. I’d arrived home yesterday and was here to stay.

I’d returned home twice in my five-year stint with the Air Force. The first time I’d picked up my truck, the second I’d caught a ride in the back of a Globemaster going from Tyndall AFB in Panama City, Florida, my current duty station, to Dyess AFB in Abilene. That was one of the nice perks of the Air Force. Free flights anyplace the Air Force flew, so long as you didn’t mind riding on their schedule and in the back.

The place hadn’t changed much while I was gone. It was the same sleepy little town with the John Deere dealership, two gas stations, grain silo, café, and grocery store. As I puttered along, I had conflicted feelings. There were a lot of good memories here, but there were some painful ones as well. I thought I’d moved past Ella, but now that I was back to stay, I wasn’t so sure.

It had taken some fancy talking to get Mom and Dad on the road while leaving me at the motel that day five years ago when they came to San Antonio. After they’d left, I’d taken Nicole to their room and hate fucked her for hours. I wasn’t proud of what I did, even as I was doing it, but she seemed to thrive on it. She made the mistake of challenging me to tame her, and because of my mood at the time, I’d taken her brutally hard time and time again without care for her wants or needs, throwing her around in the bed and the room as I tried to burn out the pain with passion.

Finally, sweaty, exhausted, and spent, we slept for a couple of hours before she took me back to the base. For the next seventy days, as I trained for my specialty, I fucked Nicole every chance I got. She was almost old enough to be my mother, but I didn’t care. She was a wild bitch, willing to do anything I wanted, any time I wanted, and I’d taken advantage of that. Nothing was off limits. Anal, role play, rough sex, it was all available, but there was no love, no compassion between us, only physical need. Every time our schedules aligned, I’d be waiting for her when her shift ended. We’d go to a room, fuck our brains out for a couple of hours, and she’d take me back to the base before she went home to her kids.

In hindsight, we were using each other, trying to find that something that was missing from our lives with our wild, energetic fucking. For Nicole, I’d decided she enjoyed having a young man want her as she tried to prove, if only to herself, she was still young and desirable. For me, I was looking for a woman to want me, as I thought Ella had wanted me. For a while I’d confused fucking with making love, and I was substituting sex for affection.

It hadn’t stopped with Nicole. When I’d transferred to Tyndall, I’d continued my wild ways. If she was over eighteen and under eighty, I’d fuck her, but like Nicole, none of the women I’d bedded could fill the hollow space inside me. I’d finally started settling down in the last year or so as the meaningless sex lost what little appeal it’d once had. I was still bedding women, but I was looking for something more than just a place to bury my cock while I worked up a sweat. Maybe now that I was home I could find what I was looking for.

It was almost lunch time and the streets were busy, or at least as busy as they ever got in Hamlinton. I was taking a few days off to reconnect with friends, but then I would be in the thick of it with Dad. I’d arrived home just in time for harvest. In three or four weeks it would be all hands on deck to get the crop in, and he’d need all the help I could give him. I was living at home and would continue to do so at least through the harvest. Then I would have to decide what I was going to do. Maybe I would carve a little plot out of one of our fields and build a house, or maybe I would just rent a place in town. I hadn’t decided. So much of my future was still up in the air.

What wasn’t in doubt was my hunger. Mom had stuffed me last night, preparing all my favorites. I’d called home when I’d reached Abilene, and when I pulled to a stop in front of the house, dinner was waiting. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, pinto beans, three-cheese macaroni and cheese, biscuits, and of course, apple pie. When I’d pushed back from the table, unable to take another bite, I didn’t think I’d ever be hungry again, but I had a sudden craving for one of the open-faced pot-roast sandwiches from Dolly’s café.

I turned around and growled back through town, raising two fingers from the steering wheel as people recognized first my truck, and then me, before they waved and smiled in greeting. I was sure everyone in town knew I was home to stay. Mom had seen to that. I couldn’t help but smile. It was good to be back.

I angled my truck to a stop at the curb. I had to park a half-block from Dolly’s, and it took me a solid fifteen minutes to reach the door as people stopped me on the street to welcome me home. I made some good friends while I was in the service, but these people were closer to family than friends.

I opened the door and entered Dolly’s, taking a deep breath as the door swung closed behind me, the smell of coffee and food bringing back a flood of memories. I took a table by the window so I could look out on the street and watch the cars pass. Raymond Calhoun, Ted Wilkens, Roger Corbin, Dolly Hinkle, and more, all the people I’d known my entire life, stopped at my table to welcome me back. I’d been expecting that.

What I didn’t expect, however, was Ella. After the well-wishers had broken up, she stopped at my table and placed a menu in front of me along with a glass of water.

“Levi,” she said softly, her eyes low.

“Ella. How you been?”

I hadn’t seen her since the day I boarded the bus to begin my career in the Air Force, but she was lovelier than ever. Time had softened her slightly, but she’d turned from a pretty girl into a beautiful woman. She looked tired, and the spark that used to inhabit her eyes was missing, but she still took my breath.

“Okay. You?”

I knew that her marriage to Steve hadn’t happened, and I also knew that her accusation of rape hadn’t gone anywhere. It had turned into her word against many, and eventually the whole affair had been swept under the rug. I hadn’t talked to Mom and Dad about her much, preferring to avoid the subject as much as possible.

“Not bad. I suppose you heard I was back.”

“Yeah. I was surprised to hear that. What happened? Originally you were going to stay in until you retired.”

“Yeah, well, things change.”

She nodded. She looked so sad. She’d hurt me, hurt me badly, but as much as I tried, I couldn’t hate her.

“What can I get you?”

I didn’t even look at the menu. “Still have the open-faced pot-roast sandwich?”

“With a side of fries, gravy over it all, sweet tea to drink?”

She remembered. “Why not?”

“I’ll put it in.” She started to turn away, but then faced me again. She licked her lips, but she still couldn’t seem to meet my gaze. “It’s good to see you, Levi. I’m glad you’re back.”

Before I could answer, she hurried away. I watched her, my eyes tracking her as she hurried about, taking orders, delivering food, and ringing people out.

Dolly’s fare was simple, filling, delicious, fast, and inexpensive. Five minutes after Ella took my order, she slid my plate in front of me, leaving my ticket face down.

“Thank you,” I murmured, but she didn’t answer as she hurried to another table. I’d caught them in the middle of the lunch rush and she didn’t have time to dally.

The sandwich, a thick chunk of roast resting on two slices of white bread and drowned under a thick layer of brown gravy, was as good as I remembered. I ate slowly, speaking to those who spoke to me, but mostly I watched Ella. I noticed her looking at me several times, but each time I caught her watching, she’d lower her eyes. It was almost heartbreaking, the guilt I saw on her face.

I finished eating and dropped a ten on the table as a tip as I carried my ticket to the register. It was more than a fifty-percent tip, but it felt right. Mackenzie, the other waitress rang me out.

“Good to see you back, Levi.”

“It’s good to be home.”

“We should get together sometime and catch up.”

I smiled and nodded. Mackenzie was a year younger than me, but I still remembered her from school. “Maybe.”

“I get off at two-thirty today.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I replied as she placed my change in my hand.

I walked out with a grin. Mackenzie had been adorable in school, but she’d grown out of that and was hot as hell now. Maybe I should catch up with her. Before I hadn’t paid much attention to her because of Ella, but I’d fuck the shit out of her now. Who knows? Maybe something would come of it.

I sat down in my truck, but I didn’t reach for the key. I stared out of the windshield at nothing for a long moment. Seeing Ella had stirred up all kinds of mixed feelings. I was afraid my sudden surge of lust for Mackenzie was the result of wanting to hurt Ella. While I didn’t mind stabbing Ella in the heart so much, it wouldn’t be fair to use Mackenzie like that. I was done using women that way.

I started my truck but immediately switched it off again. “Goddamnit!” I growled as I shouldered the door open.

I stomped back into Dolly’s and glanced around. Mackenzie’s face lit up when she saw me, and Ella seemed to collapse in on herself. I moved through the café toward the two women.

“Can we talk?” I asked Ella, ignoring Mackenzie.

Both women looked surprised that I’d returned to talk to Ella. “I can’t. I have to work.”

“When do you get off?”

“Eight.”

“Can I see you after you get off?”

Ella glanced around. “Why?”

I took her arm and pulled her from the register to quiet corner. “I have to hear it from you. I can’t let this go until I do.”

“What’s done is done, Levi. I can’t change it.”

“I’m not asking you to change it. I just want to hear what happened from you.”

Ella glanced around. Everyone was staring, but I didn’t care. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I do. Just talk to me. If after that you want to tell me to go fuck myself, I’ll respect that. But you owe me this.”

She glanced around again. “Okay, this one time.”

I nodded. “I’ll be here when you get off.”

She didn’t look happy at all, and she still wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I have to go,” she said as she squeezed past me. “I have work to do.”

I returned to my truck and backed out of the parking space. I was getting more and more angry. I slammed the truck into drive and buried my right foot, the rear tires screaming in protest as I rocketed away. I kept my speed reasonable until I cleared town, but then I put my foot down, the truck bellowing as it strained for speed. Why was I so upset, and why was I taking it out on my truck? I wanted to hit something, or fuck some bitch raw, anything to release this rage choking me.

I should turn around, go back to Dolly’s, and take Mackenzie up on her offer. I could take her back to her place and try to make her scream as I fucked the shit out of her. What did I care? I’d fucked so many women I’d lost count. They meant nothing to me, so what was one more? The speedometer had just touched ninety when I slammed my hand hard into the steering wheel.

“Fuck!” I roared.

The pain in my hand snapped whatever had a grip on me. I lifted my foot and allowed the truck to slow. Even after five years, the ache of Ella’s actions still choked me. Maybe talking to her and finding out why she’d stabbed me in the back would give me release, or at least I could start hating her to give me a target for my anger and pain.

Why couldn’t I let it go? I wanted to. I thought I had. I assumed I was starting to settle down because I’d finally worked off, or fucked off, the hurt. But that was before I saw her today. I think if she’d given me the finger, I could have taken it better than the look of sadness and guilt on her face as she watched me.

“Fuck me,” I sighed. What was wrong with me?

I was still musing over my reaction when I turned into the long drive that led to my house. It was a typical Texas farm house. Dad built the place about twenty-five years ago, when Mom was pregnant with Kamron. It was a one-story, red brick sitting in the middle of a five-acre plot that held the house, Mom’s garden, the two equipment sheds, and four large grain silos. Mom was buzzing back and forth on the riding mower and I felt guilty. I should be doing that instead of out running around, getting my undies in a twist over something I couldn’t change.

She pulled to a stop beside my truck and killed the engine on the John Deere mower. I smiled. So many memories were tied up in this place, like the fact Dad wouldn’t buy anything but John Deere, from the most expensive piece of farm equipment all the way down to the riding mower.

I recalled the time he’d had to borrow a tractor because the small utility tractor we used for light jobs and gardening was out of commission while we waited on a backordered wheel bearing to be delivered. The little Massey Ferguson we’d borrowed to till Mom’s garden had done a fine job, and he’d allowed he could stand to have it on the place…if he painted it green.

“Why don’t you let me finish that?” I asked.

“Oh, poo,” Mom replied with a grin and dismissive wave. “Who do you think mowed when you weren’t here?” I knew she was right, and she did most of the mowing even when I was here since I was usually busy in the fields. “How was your trip to town?”

“Okay. I bumped into Ella at Dolly’s.”

“Oh. You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m going to meet her after work.”

“Levi, why? Why do you want to do that to yourself?”

“I need this, Mom. I need to find out why she did it.”

“What difference does it make? She did, and that’s all that matters. Why are you trying to open old wounds?”

“I have to.”

She lowered her head as her mouth pulled down at the corners. “You’re not a little boy anymore, and can make your own decisions. Just be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“We’re just going to talk. Once I hear it from her, maybe I can put it behind me.”

“It’s been five years. You need to let it go.”

“I’m trying! I thought I had, but seeing her again…” I shook my head. “If we’re both going to live here, I can’t avoid her. Maybe this will help.” I decided to throw her a bone. “Mackenzie Brusche wants to get together and catch up.”

“Why don’t you? She seems like a sweet girl, and she’s cute as a button.”

“Maybe I will, but I need to do this first.”

She sat on the mower, holding my gaze for a long moment before she seemed to make up her mind about something. “If you have to do this, then you have to. Just be careful,” she warned again before she twisted the key to start the mower.