I heard giggles and smiled, relaxing further into the porch swing. It was the first time in what felt like ages that I’d heard women gossiping and I hadn’t had to go over and talk to them about cosmetics.

Being the vice president of a small beauty products company meant I was often the one who had to do all the face-to-face work to earn new clients. Not that I disliked my job—far from it—but sometimes it could be draining. It felt like a rare treat to be around people because I enjoyed their company and not because I was trying to get them to invest in BeYoutyful Cosmetics.

No, today I was hearing giggles because the bride and all of my fellow bridesmaids were slightly tipsy after several bottles of wine. A weekend retreat to a cabin on Lake Erie hadn’t sounded like the most exciting of bachelorette parties, but it was what Mary had wanted. So, I had booked the trip for us, as my maid of honor duty.

It had been a bit of a drive, and the girls who didn’t live in Pennsylvania had had to fly in, but it had all been worth it for the relaxed, happy look on Mary’s face as we went hiking, swam in the lake, and relaxed in the sun. I had done my best to support my friend, but I knew how this whole wedding business had been taking a toll on Mary.

Personally, if I got married—when, I forcibly reminded myself—I was going to make it a much smaller, less stressful affair.

The laughter and the women, eight of them including Mary, spilled out onto the porch of the cabin. She’d insisted on an even number of bridesmaids—something about symmetry—and though I was indifferent about the numbers, I was glad of a slightly larger group. It meant that there were times that I could slip away and snatch a moment alone to breathe.

Now, however, it seemed that the party had come to me.

“Never have I ever, Jessica!” Mary said, her cheeks flushed.

She flopped down almost on top of me, so I playfully shoved her to the side.

“Really?”

I looked around at all the other bridesmaids, none of whom looked like they were joking despite all being bright-eyed and pink-cheeked from alcohol.

“Are we in high school?”

“Pshh, it’ll be fun,” Lanie slurred.

Lanie had always been a lightweight. She pushed her dark hair out of her face and pointed at me.

“Your eyes are like the lake.” She paused. “Because they’re blue.”

I laughed. “You, darling, are drunk.”

“Just tipsy,” Lanie said happily, falling and landing with her head conveniently on the lap of Jane, Mary’s roommate from college.

Jane looked torn between shoving Lanie off and petting her like a cat.

“You’d know all about high school,” Amanita declared. She was the only other bridesmaid, besides me, that had known Mary since we were kids. We’d all gone to high school together. The others—Lanie, Jane, Tessa, Jacki and Elian—were all women that Mary had worked with or met in college.

Mary was the kind of girl who made friends easily, unlike me. I’m usually the girl at the party who’s just sitting there, nursing a beer and watching everyone. I like to observe. It’s helped me in my job a lot, actually, because thanks to all that observing, I’m good at knowing how people behave, what they want, and how to talk to them.

Jane had settled for petting Lanie, running her fingers gently over her hair. Lanie was another college friend of ours. Mary and I had ended up both going to NYU, determined to soak up the bright lights of the city. Lanie had been my roommate, and Jane had been Mary’s.

We would traipse around the city until the wee hours, going to see shows, checking out bands, and finding new hole-in-the-wall places to eat. It had been tons of fun, and honestly, most of my best memories are from those four years, even if Mary and I did end up coming right back to our home town of Pittsburgh when all was said and done.

And though Mary, Lanie and Jane had often ended up bringing people home, or going to someone else’s place, while I’d always found myself going home by myself…it didn’t matter.

Really, it didn’t.

Tessa, Jacki, and Elian, were all Mary’s coworkers. I didn’t know them quite as well, but they all seemed like great girls. So far, we had all been having fun, and they’d been on top of helping me out in my maid of honor duties.

Now, though, I was starting to regret stocking up so much alcohol, if it made them want to play games like Never Have I Ever.

“I’ll start!” Elian declared.

We’d started out with cocktails at one of the local bars after swimming in the lake all day, and then had moved onto the wine when we’d gotten back to the cabin, with the exception of Elian, who had gone straight for the vodka and was now a half a bottle in.

“Never have I ever…had a threesome.”

Jacki and Jane drank. I wasn’t surprised about Jane; she’d always been the adventurous one in college.

“My turn,” Tessa chirped. “Never have I ever been with a woman.”

“Well, that’s obvious now,” Jacki muttered, drinking along with Jane and Lanie.

“Hey, now, it could have been a threesome with two guys! I don’t know,” Tessa protested.

“Two women,” Jane corrected.

“We’re just full of sexual deviants here,” Elian declared, brandishing her bottle.

I took it from her and set it aside so that she wouldn’t spill all over herself.

“I’m cutting you off,” I said sternly.

“Okay, Mom,” Elian giggled.

“What about…” Mary paused. “Never have I ever owned a vibrator.”

“What?” Lanie asked as a few others and I drank.

I’d owned one, but I’d never been able to get it to, well…work properly, I guess. I’d put the batteries in, read the instructions, all of that, but it just hadn’t done the trick. It felt nice, I guess, but I’d never experienced anything that warranted every girl I knew going on about how vibrators were their best friends.

But then again, maybe I just hadn’t been doing it right?

“How have you never owned a vibrator?” Lanie asked, still stuck on the subject.

“My hand works perfectly well, thank you,” Mary replied, and I almost choked on my drink.

Mary was never the type of person to be shy about these things.

“Okay, okay, okay,” said Jane, holding her hand up like a referee. “Never have I ever sucked a dick.”

“That’s just not fair,” Mary protested as everyone drank, including me. “You’re the only lesbian here!”

“You don’t know; I hear some women just don’t like it,” Jane protested.

“I admit I didn’t like it at first,” Amanita confessed, “But I grew to like it over time.”

“I like it,” I admitted.

I’ve always liked it. I remember worrying that it made me seem slutty, at first, but honestly, I really enjoy getting to make my partner come apart. Uh, no pun intended there. I like the idea of taking care of my partner and making them feel good. And if the guy was all woozy from orgasm, he wouldn’t really notice if I was lying when I said I came too.

Not that I liked lying. It’s just…the truth is complicated, and it was just so much easier to lie and say that I orgasmed. Because here’s the thing: I had never had an orgasm. I kind of feel like I’m in an AA meeting, talking about this.

“Hi, my name is Jessica Banks (hi, Jessica) and I have never had an orgasm.”

You know? But it’s not like not having an orgasm had stopped me from enjoying sex. Sex is great! Okay, so some of my partners had been a little boring and unimaginative in that department, but what are you gonna do?

I didn’t mind it—or I wouldn’t have minded it—if other people hadn’t made it such a big deal. Like my previous partners. I hadn’t had a boyfriend for very long, or many boyfriends at all. They’d always said it was this or that, but I’d known it was because I’d never orgasmed with them, and they’d felt like they’d failed in being a man because of it. And that wasn’t their fault!

I think maybe I was missing something, mentally. Or maybe even physically. I don’t know. I’d never had the courage to ask a doctor about it. My last relationship was…oh, God. Three years ago.

I think it was my little pity party that knocked me off balance, mentally, because when Mary nudged me and said, “Your turn, Jess!” I didn’t even think about it for a second.

I just blurted out, “Never have I ever had an orgasm.”

The entire group fell silent. Jane had her hand tangled in Lanie’s hair, Tessa had her glass at her lips and it just froze there, and Amanita was gaping at me. I didn’t know that was a thing that people actually did outside of movies.

“Wait, are you serious?” Jacki asked.

“Jessica?”

Amanita’s voice had that soft quality that it got whenever she was trying to be careful about someone’s feelings. I’d known that voice since high school, and while I usually found it soothing, right then, it really grated on my nerves.

I hated the pitying looks that everyone was throwing at me, so I gestured at their glasses.

“C’mon, guys, I just said that so you’d all have to drink.”

I winked at them and held up my glass, then took a big gulp.

“I mean, if we’re going to drink to that properly, we’d have to chug the entire alcohol supply,” Lanie pointed out.

She then nuzzled into Jane’s hand, and I made a mental note to make sure that nothing happened between them that night. Jane had been pining after Lanie for as long as I could remember, and I was not letting it finally happen when Lanie was drunk and might not even remember it the next morning. If Lanie was going to finally find her courage, she was going to do it while fully sober.

Everyone laughed at Lanie’s comment and drank, but Amanita and Mary were shooting me looks that were still far too concerned. They’d known me for two decades, and they also knew that I’m a horrible liar and that I rarely even bother with hiding the truth. I knew I’d be interrogated about that later. Crap.

The game moved on from there, with everyone getting progressively drunker as we went on. I could drink for some things, like flavored lube, and having been in handcuffs, but I couldn’t drink for having tried anal.

I wasn’t super adventurous in the sex department, in case you can’t tell. Let’s just say that my golf handicap was about the same as the number of people I’d slept with, and I was the top golfer at my club.

Right then, it was a good thing, because it meant I didn’t have to drink a lot, and I could keep an eye on the people who were. Mary was completely sloshed, Elian ended up having a boozy cry-fest, and Lanie passed out on Jane’s lap. By the time all was said and done, it was definitely a good thing I was there to help everyone get into bed.

I didn’t mind being the ‘group mom,’ so to speak. I’ve always liked taking care of people. And the girls were all—for the most part—sweet and funny drunks. Jane helped me carry Lanie back to her bedroom, where she snuggled under the covers and murmured Jane’s name.

“Wait for me in the living room,” I instructed, wanting to give Jane a pep talk.

Tessa and Amanita were able to stumble to bed on their own, Jacki just needed a guiding hand so she didn’t bump into a door, and all three apologized to me the entire time for being clumsy. It was adorable. I took a little extra time helping Mary.

“You’re the best,” she told me, flinging herself onto the bed. “You’re just so…so responsible. I love that. Why aren’t you responsible about orgasms? You should be more responsible about those.”

“My life is not defined by orgasms,” I told her, knowing that I sounded like a prude.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have an orgasm. It was just that I had long given up on the idea, and I refused to let it keep eating at me, because I knew if I started to dwell on it…

Anyway. It was a silly thing, really. I had a great job that I enjoyed, and a wonderful group of friends. What else could I have wanted? Well, except maybe a long-term boyfriend…

“But orgasms are great!” Mary insisted, letting me pull the blankets up over her. “We’re gonna get you an orgasm, don’t you worry. I promise—just like prom when I promised I’d get you a date, didn’t I?”

“You did,” I reaffirmed. “Tony Marsden, quarterback and senior heartthrob. It was awesome.”

Mary smiled sleepily. “See? It’ll be just like that.”

I left Mary to her dreaming, talked quietly with Amanita about plans for tomorrow, and then spent the next hour or so with Jane.

Jane wasn’t hung up on Lanie, exactly. She had dated other people—and certainly slept with other people—since meeting Lanie in college when Mary and I had introduced our roommates to each other. But it seemed there was always a part of Jane that just couldn’t get over her, and it didn’t help that Lanie hadn’t ever addressed it or even breached the topic. It’s hard to try to get over someone that you’ve never dated, especially when you don’t know what their feelings are.

I knew that hurt Jane, the idea that she could be considered not worth the risk. I could imagine that it would hurt me, too. The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be that person lying to me, but at least Lanie had never done that. She and Jane had just been too busy avoiding the subject, dancing around it, for lying to even be a possibility. You can’t lie about the things you don’t discuss.

I didn’t mind staying up with Jane; counseling was kind of my thing. I found it a little ironic that the girl with the least dating and sex experience out of all of her friends was the one to give all of the sex and relationship advice, but I guess that’s not uncommon. Having an outsider’s perspective means you can be less emotional and more logical.

The problem, though, was that I ended up staying awake until three in the morning, and I had to be up early to help Mary. She wanted to present us all with gifts to thank us for being her bridesmaids.

Mary had always wanted a big wedding, which was fun, but also meant a lot of work from everybody, and she wanted us to know that she appreciated us stepping up. I’d told her that it wasn’t necessary and that we’d do it all for her again in a heartbeat, but Mary was just generous that way. It was why she was my best friend.

* * *

When my alarm went off in the morning, I sincerely debated rolling over and going back to sleep. But I wasn’t known as the responsible one because I stayed in bed whenever I wanted to, so I got up—or dragged myself up, really—and stumbled into a bathrobe and slippers to meet Mary in the kitchen.

She was awake already, miraculously, and prepping the gift baskets. She’d also brewed coffee, bless her.

“I need to just hook up an IV line,” I told her, the words sounding clear in my head but coming out croaky and garbled. “Caffeine drip, right into my bloodstream.”

“As a nutritionist, I cannot even begin to explain to you how unhealthy that would be,” Mary replied. “I’m making pancakes for everyone; would you mind heating up the syrup?”

“No problem.” Mary had always made pancakes for Amanita and me the mornings after we’d slept over at her house. “These little baskets are adorable, Mary—you really didn’t have to.”

“Of course I did; I want to take care of my friends,” she replied. “Speaking of being taken care of…”

I took a sip of coffee to brace myself. I knew that mischievous tone—and I should have known that Mary wouldn’t let the subject of my anorgasmia drop so easily.

“Now, I know you’re going to just say no right off the bat,” Mary said, “But I want you to hear me out first.”

“Okay…”

“I know of this guy; he goes by the name of Dr. O.”

I almost spit out my coffee.

“He goes by the name of what?”

Mary gave me a ‘you heard me’ look.

“He’s a professional.”

“You sure about that?”

“He has a medical degree and everything.”

“Those things can be faked, you know.”

“He’s an expert at teaching women how to pleasure themselves, both alone and during sex.”

“You realize you sound like you’re quoting a brochure.”

Mary sighed.

“Honey, I want you to experience this.”

“But what if I’m okay without it?”

“Are you?”

I shrugged.

“I mean, I am okay. I do want—I wish that I could have the same experience that you all have had. I want to share in that, since you all seem to have such fun with sex. I do enjoy it, even without the orgasms, but I just get so stressed out! I keep trying to figure out how to do it and I never get there, so it just becomes a disappointment for me and my partner. I feel like a disappointment, like there’s something wrong with me. Best-case scenario, I lie to them, and then I feel like crap for lying to someone I’m being intimate with.”

“You feel like crap for lying about why you’re five minutes late to work,” Mary pointed out.

“Honesty is important, okay?” I replied.

Mary was a proponent of little white lies and that sometimes a lie could be a good thing. I was not so on board with that.

“Anyway, I do want to have an orgasm, if only because I wouldn’t feel so incomplete.”

“Then go to Dr. O!” Mary said, flipping the pancakes.

“Mary, no. Think of what people would say if the news got out.”

I could already imagine the workplace whispers, the comments about what kind of woman past the age of thirty had never had an orgasm. I’d be the butt of every joke. My boss might even fire me; she was overly-paranoid about PR.

“The news wouldn’t get out,” Mary replied. “He has tons of clients and he’s very discreet.”

A thought occurred to me.

“Wait…have you hired him?”

Mary shook her head.

“No, I met him at a party. But I’ve sent some of my friends and clients his way and they’ve all reported him to be a great success, and quite the gentleman.”

I snorted. “I’m sure they have.”

“Just think about it, okay?” Mary said. “Just promise me that.”

“I’ll think about it,” I hedged, “But my answer’s not going to change. I’m not risking anyone finding out about it and hurting my career. And I’m fine, okay? I am perfectly fine.”

“If you feel like you’re a disappointment,” Mary pointed out, “Then you’re not fine.”

“Forget I said that,” I snapped, embarrassed.

I knew I shouldn’t have been so snappish with her, but I was operating on only a few hours’ sleep, and damn it, I’d gotten that far in life without an orgasm.

“Do you think this is the reason that you haven’t ever had a long-term relationship?” Mary asked.

I rolled my eyes. “No. Men just aren’t to be trusted, that’s all.”

“Hmm.”

Mary didn’t sound convinced. As I said, I’m a bad liar.

“Well, if you change your mind, just let me know.”

I snorted. Fat chance of that.