The day of the wedding, I was uncharacteristically nervous. It must have been Mary rubbing off on me. She was a pile of anxiety.

I’d let Asher know that he’d have to meet me at the reception as my plus-one and given him the address, because with Mary in this state and all of my other duties as maid of honor, there was no way I’d even be free to see him until after the ceremony. What was the point of the poor guy getting up early in order to sit in a church surrounded by people he didn’t know?

Asher was a good sport about it and told me to tell Mary to break a leg, which made me laugh. At least one part of today was going smoothly.

Mary, on the other hand, was sitting on the ottoman in the room we’d decided was the changing room for her, eyeing a bottle of champagne in a way that made me nervous.

“I should just run away,” Mary whined. “Move to a whole new city. Change my name. Find someone whose mother doesn’t hate me.”

“Now, now, don’t do that. If you’re overdramatic like that, then we get Romeo and Juliet situations, and frankly, I don’t like the thought of you stabbing yourself or Josh poisoning himself, so…”

I helped Mary up so that I could get her into her dress.

“I feel bloated,” she pouted.

“You look radiant.”

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t look bloated.”

“You look healthy and happy and just the same size that you always do. Now step into the dress, girl.”

“What if I forget my vows?” Mary asked, her hands flying up so that she nearly elbowed me in the face.

“Then I have the vows on notecards in my cleavage and I will hand them to you,” I replied, doing up the millions of tiny buttons on the back of Mary’s dress. What the hell was wrong with zippers? She couldn’t have gone and used a normal zipper, she had to get this handmade vintage style dress with its millions of tiny buttons that were mocking me?

“What if someone loses the rings?”

“Josh’s brother Henry has them, and he’s the most responsible person we know, myself included. This is why we didn’t have a ring bearer.”

“I’m going to look like an idiot,” Mary moaned. “Josh is going to take one look at me and realize that his mother was right and that I’m an awful bitch and he shouldn’t marry me.”

“Josh’s mother is delusional and evil,” I replied.

I put my hands on Mary’s shoulders from behind and smiled at her in the mirror.

“You look breathtaking, Mary. You really do. Josh is going to take one look at you and burst into tears and swear fealty at your feet. And you’re going to remember your vows, and everyone will cry because they are lovely vows. And you’re going to exchange rings, and his mother will have a miracle epiphany and realize that that two of you were meant to be together all along.”

Mary slumped back a little, leaning on me for support. “Thanks, Jess. You’re the best.”

“No, Amanita’s the best; she’s the one I sent to keep your mother and Josh’s mother distracted and out of this room.”

Mary laughed, turning around.

“Tell me something. Anything. Talk to me. I want to think about anything except for my wedding right now.”

I understood why she wanted a distraction, but I couldn’t think of anything to talk about. Except for…

“There’s this guy.”

Mary gasped. “What’s he like? How’d you meet?”

“In a bar,” I said. “He’s—Mary, he may be the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. He’s so considerate. And it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. He met my parents—by accident,” I added, when I saw Mary’s knowing face. “And they were, just, you know how they can be. Just so overwhelming, making assumptions, and I love them but in that moment I could have strangled them, Mary, I really could have.

“But he handled it so well. He was just so charming and nice and asked them all sorts of good questions about themselves and really listened to them while they prattled on for a million hours. And he cooks for me and he’s a doctor and saves lives and he’s just…”

“Sounds like you’re in love with him,” Mary noted, grinning.

I started. “What? No. I’m—that is, I don’t think—we’ve been dating for barely a month, Mary. That’s not enough time to fall in love with someone.”

“I fell in love with Josh the first night that I met him,” Mary pointed out. “We got into the same cab by accident and he was just the sweetest guy, and we were going to the same neighborhood so we shared—do you remember?”

“I do,” I said, and I did.

Mary had shown up at my apartment in raptures about this amazing man that she’d met while trying to get a taxi. I’d never seen her so happy.

“You were…what’s the word? Besotted.”

Mary laughed.

“Yup, that’s the perfect word. But I knew, then, that very night, that I was in love with him. And every day just deepened that. Love doesn’t have a time constraint. It can come early or late, and it can build slowly or hit you suddenly and all at once.”

She took my face in her hands, and for some reason, I felt as though I was more grounded. I felt like there was some weight settling on me and around me, but not in a bad way—in a good, stabilizing way, making me more solid than before.

“Honey, Jess—if you’re in love with this guy, you can just say so. Don’t worry about the timing, okay? He sounds like a really great guy. Is he your plus-one today?”

I nodded. “He’s going to meet us at the reception, since I’m so busy with all of this stuff; I didn’t want him to feel awkward sitting with a bunch of strangers.”

“Then I can’t wait to meet him later,” Mary assured me.

“Thanks, Mary,” I said, taking her hands in mine and squeezing them.

Elian stuck her head in. “We’re still running interference, but it’s about to start, so I hope you two are ready!”

I looked over at Mary, who nodded.

“Yes,” I said. “We’re ready.”

As maid of honor, I was second to last to go down the aisle, right before Mary. All of us stood in a line, wearing gorgeous floor-length dresses in various shades of lavender. Mine was a little darker than everyone else’s, because I was the maid of honor, and I definitely thought that I would wear it again if I got the chance.

Tessa was first in line, then Elian, and so on. Amanita was just before me, and she threw a wink over her shoulder at Mary just before she started down the aisle.

Then, it was my turn.

I wasn’t the bride, but people were still craning their necks to look at me, and I felt a little self-conscious as I made my way down the aisle. The church was lovely, decked out in garlands with white and purple flowers that the other bridesmaids and I had spent forever hanging up and interweaving between the church pews.

Everyone was dressed in their best, and at the altar stood Josh, sweating nervously in his tux, with his brother Henry as his best man and the other groomsmen. Some of the groomsmen were eyeing the bridesmaids, and I made another mental note to make sure that none of the bridesmaids made decisions they would regret in the morning.

When I came to a stop at my spot at the altar, I smiled reassuringly at Josh. He gave me a nervous smile in return. Then, the music swelled, turning into the wedding march, and Mary stepped into the room, her arm linked with her father’s.

Everyone turned to look at her, but I snuck a glance at Josh, and I got to see his face light up—and I mean completely light up. I didn’t think that was possible, honestly; I thought it was just an exaggeration. But no, he really was looking at Mary like she was the moon and the stars and everything else on top of it.

It made something wrap around my heart and squeeze, to think that there might be someone out there that would someday look at me like that. Would Asher look at me like that? Would he ever come to love me that much?

Mary seemed to float down the aisle, all of her worries and nerves gone—or apparently gone—and replaced with this serene smile that made her look all the more beautiful. It was breathtaking, actually.

She came up to stand beside Josh, handing her flowers over to me without even a glance my way. Normally I’d make a joke about that, but right now she was all wrapped up in Josh and that’s how it should have been. They were looking into each other’s eyes like they were the only people in the universe, and maybe for each other, in that moment, they were.

I looked back out over the wave of people all staring in raptures up at the couple. Even Josh’s mom looked like she was about to burst into happy tears.

The priest was talking about loving each other through thick and thin, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, and for the first time, I thought about that—I mean, really thought about that. The idea that you would promise to love someone without any caveats, without saying, “All of you except for this one part,” or, “All of you, but only if you change or fix this one thing.” Just…love them, unconditionally.

I wanted someone to love me like that. I wanted someone to make that promise to me. Although my wedding would be a lot smaller, I thought, looking back out over the sea of people. I didn’t think I even knew that many people, certainly not enough of them well enough to invite them to my wedding. And, I thought, I would like to have mine outside.

What was I thinking? I didn’t even have a fiancé or anything yet. Asher and I had barely been together for a month.

Could Asher be the person who waited at the end of the aisle for me? Would he be the one saying things to me like what Josh was saying to Mary? Josh was talking about how he loved having Mary’s face be the first thing that he woke up to in the morning, and how she liked to sing in the shower, and how generous and enthusiastic she was about everything.

Would Asher say similar things about me? Even if I never orgasmed, and made him play golf with me every weekend, and sometimes forgot about sleep because I was bringing work home again, and watched crappy predictable mystery shows, and spread my makeup products all over the floor when I was working on a big project?

I think I want that with Asher, I thought to myself, and that was terrifying.

Terrifying to think about, terrifying to say even if it was just in my own head…but also liberating. At least I’d admitted it. I wanted a wedding, wearing a lovely white dress that had practically been sewn onto me, with my mom crying in the front row, and all of my friends grinning at me like idiots.

I wanted a wedding. And I thought I just might want it with Asher.