Laird
I couldn’t stay.
That dream. That wonderful, awful fucking dream. Wonderful, because I got to see him again, in sharp, bright, high-definition clarity in my mind. And it had been long enough since he passed now that, between dreams, he’d started to blur a bit around the edges. I’d forgotten about that cowlick he had, just above his left ear. And that his smile always tipped at that certain angle. And that he was too motherfucking young to go through any of it.
And it was awful because every time I dreamt of him, I kept getting older. The conversation was always the same, except for what he asked for. Would he get to play the drums too? Would he learn to drive someday? Would he get to graduate at the top of his class?
I lied every damn time. Yes, Garrett, yes, you’ll get to do it all.
Leaving her bed was the hardest and easiest thing I’d ever done. Easy, because I’d never let a girl see me cry. And Garrett brought the tears.
But there was no place in the world I wanted to be except pressed next to her like a sardine in a twin-sized bed, her thigh over mine, her head over my heart, and her hand over that inked G.
That dream was why I found myself watching the sunrise from a graveyard, sitting in a puddle while the rain fell around me. I traced the numbers that spelled out the length of his life, the dates far too close together. He didn’t even get two handfuls of years to be my brother. But I’d be his forever.
My clothes clung to my skin, annoying but not cold. It didn’t matter though. It could’ve been the middle of winter and I wouldn’t have budged until I was ready. The discomfort of being wet or hot or cold was nothing compared to what he’d endured. Nothing.
The early morning text from the band director cancelling practice cemented the conviction that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in that moment. With my brother.
The only concession I made to the rain was the baseball hat I’d pulled low over my face. Not that it mattered. My cheeks were as wet as the rest of me.
By the time I finally rose, the thunderstorm had cleared. The violence of it had helped somehow. The angry vibration of the thunder, the sharp, painful crack of the lightning. The endless, endless rain. I understood all of it.
I embraced all of it.
And when it ended, it was time for me to move on too. To go back to living for both of us. Trying to turn my lies into truths. Until I dreamed of him again one day.
When I got back to the Wrangler, the chill from the AC raising goose bumps on my skin, my phone was dead. It didn’t matter. I had nowhere to be today with practice cancelled.
Except the hospital.
Maybe there, I could keep Garrett close to me a little bit longer. There were always pieces of him lurking in the depths of their eyes. Parts of him I recognized in their actions. Remnants of when I thought I could save him if I just loved him enough, behaved enough, achieved enough.
But I couldn’t. My mom left one year to the day from when we buried him here. I never heard from her again. My dad, he’d stuck around physically, but he’d never been the same. Since love had already failed him twice, he’d come up with new tactics to deal with me. Lists of impossible demands, the strictest of schedules, regimens for both my diet and exercise, and more after-school activities than one person could ever enjoy. He kept me at arm’s length, never closer, never farther. And he never, ever said my brother’s name again.
I wanted to hate him. So bad. But he was the only connection I had left to Garrett.
And there was nothing I wouldn’t do for my brother.
Consequently, I listened to Dad’s lectures, did just enough to keep him off my back, and did my best to live my life in what little space remained.
Like drumline, which he’d always considered a colossal waste of time.
I scrubbed my hands over my face, wishing I could wash away the reality of being a disappointment to the only parent I had left just as easily. And then I forcibly pushed him from my mind, refocusing on the present.
On the way to the townhouse, I picked up Oscar, who spent an inordinate amount of time sniffing me. I played fetch and tug-of-war with him while I ate some cold pizza from the fridge. The AC was working again, thank fuck. By the time I showered, changed, and got to the hospital, it was mid-afternoon. The storm was gone, the August sun having erased any evidence it’d once existed.
When I turned the corner to the oncology floor, she was the last person I expected and the one person I needed to see the most.
And I was finally able to take a deep breath that didn’t pinch. My first of the day that came easy. When my lungs filled completely and the pain squeezing my ribs ceased.
But she didn’t stop. Didn’t even look at me. A sharp, prickly sensation filled my gut.
And when I visited Eli last, after he’d woken up from his nap, she was all he would talk about.
“… and then she covered my arms with all these tattoos, and I could tell Amelia thought I was a total stud, and then we all played UNO, and Amelia kept winning but that’s okay because every time she won she smiled so big, and her smile is just the best thing, and why weren’t you here too? Did you get in trouble with Reese?” He finally paused for a breath while I tried to catch up.
“Trouble?” I repeated. “Why would you think I’m in trouble with her?” Maybe because she walked right by me as if I didn’t exist? But Eli didn’t know that.
He shrugged but looked at me reproachfully from behind those glasses of his. “I asked about you and she smiled, but not like Amelia smiled when she won UNO. She only smiled with her mouth and not her eyes. That’s how you know it’s not real.” Confusion darkened his face. “I thought you liked her? You called dibs on her last time.”
“I do like her.” Something warm and soft bloomed in my chest when I said those words.
He laughed. “Well, you’re not doing a good job of showing her apparently. Maybe you need more tattoos.”
“I’ll take that under consideration.” I nodded seriously.
“Then you can peacock.”
“I can what?” Did he just say something about a cock?
“Peacocking. I saw it on the Discovery Channel. In nature, the male of the species is usually more colorful and bright, to attract the best female. You might need some more colors. Because Reese is the best, after Amelia. Then you can peacock her.”
I bit back a laugh. “I’ll have to work on my peacocking. Good advice, Eli.”
“Just trying to help a brother out.” He held out his fist for a bump.
I tapped it, then said my goodbyes. “Sounds like I got some work to do. I’ll come back and give you an update in a few days.”
“Good luck.” His eyes were wrinkled around the edges, like he was truly worried about my lack of game.
Turned out, he was right.
She ignored my texts the rest of the afternoon.
And at practice the next few days, she was glued to Smith. Reese didn’t avoid me per se, but she certainly didn’t seek me out or hang back to give me a chance to catch her alone either.
And the texts I sent those days? She finally replied. But they were stilted, awkward conversations.
Me: Hey, how are you?
Reese: Good.
Me: Busy tonight?
Reese: Yes.
Me: Want to grab dinner tomorrow? Sammy’s maybe?
Reese: That’s not a great idea. Someone could see us.
Me: We could bring it back to my place. Or yours. Or go to the park or something.
Reese: Maybe.
We didn’t get dinner. Not together anyway. When I stopped at Sammy’s after Thursday’s practice, she was there already, turkey and cranberry sub in front of her. But she was sitting with Smith, Cade, Willa, and Amber. Willa saw me first and licked her lips in blatant invitation as I walked to the counter. After my sandwich was ready, I approached their table, aiming for the empty seat next to Reese, but as I sat down, she popped up like a damn whack-a-mole and announced I could have her seat, she was finished anyway. And Willa and Amber were so visibly excited, talking over each other to get my attention, I couldn’t change my mind and follow her out without it looking awkward as fuck.
Tomorrow was Friday, the last day of official band camp, and the night of the Countdown, a Rodner drumline tradition.
I was the captain, damn it. And her vet.
She wouldn’t be able to avoid me there.
And I planned on peacocking the hell out of her.